How to handle this - two guys

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But you're not involved with work guy, so there is not anything to "end" is there? You're workmates who had sex once and might again..  That is the extent of your involvement; it's unrealistic to believe it is anything more than that and that it's something you should be concerned about IF you and LD guy do click when he visits.  Which you don't know yet.

Right now you're not really involved with LD guy either, other than you've had what essentially amounts to a online interaction for a year and he's coming to visit.

Kim, with respect you are WAY overthinking this.  

Try to take things one day at a time, enjoy your visit with LD guy, and allow everything to play out the way it's meant to.

Like I said before, work guy is a nothingburger, I wouldn't be giving him a second thought let alone believing you are "involved" with him.

Have fun and keep us posted about LD guy, I hope it works out the way you hope!

 

 

I'm supposed to 'hang out' with work guy next week (before LD guy comes) so for me it is kind of 'involvement', I mean it looks like this situation continues and didn't stop with a ONS. Again, I don't expect anything else than sex from him.

Yes, I might be overthinking a little, thanks for your input!

 

 

[kim42]

42 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’d postpone casual guy until after the LD guy. This would be safer if you end up wanting sex with LD guy. If no sex with him you can shift right over to casual guy after LD guy leaves.

Thank you, this was the type of advice I was hoping to get!

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm supposed to 'hang out' with work guy next week (before LD guy comes) so for me it is kind of 'involvement', I mean it looks like this situation continues and didn't stop with a ONS. Again, I don't expect anything else than sex from him.

Yes, I might be overthinking a little, thanks for your input!

 

 

You are involved with your body and his body.  Just like if you went to get a massage you and your massage therapist would be "involved" in the therapist laying hands on parts of your body.  I would delay seeing your sex partner until after you see LD guy.  Shouldn't be a big deal right -I mean assume he can rearrange his schedule to meet up for sex. It doesn't sound like you would be up for hanging out platonically.

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I guess we will see if the LD guy is finally willing to make you his with words and actions. The distance might be a barrier because traveling does cost a lot of $$

I know a lot of people who have had FWB with people who are long distance but they see each other once in a blue moon. Not really sustainable. However, I think if you really like this LD guy, I would recommend not having a FWB with him.

The work guy- I wouldn't worry about him. He is just some guy thats there to flirt and have occasional sex with. And if he's a looker - yes. The only thing I would say is that when I read your thread about him, he reminds me of other good-looking guys back in my days. They come off smooth and flirty but sometimes nervous and does these "I'll let you know" but sometimes they don't let you know. So, yea, its easy to get smitten with them (and thats why girls chase them) but they most likely... do get around. So be careful, never know what diseases they be carrying.

I definitely don't want to be fwb with LD guy, we get along really well and it's more than physical attraction. 

Yes, work guy is good-looking and I'm sure he makes the most of it - we used a condom and will use it again for sure (if we have sex again).

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I definitely don't want to be fwb with LD guy, we get along really well and it's more than physical attraction. 

Yes, work guy is good-looking and I'm sure he makes the most of it - we used a condom and will use it again for sure (if we have sex again).

Condom is not foolproof especially against pregnancy and condoms can break as far as STD.

Your'e not FWB with the coworker -he's someone you work with who you've become friendly with and then had sex with and might have sex with again - I'd avoid the euphemisms because it's not like you two are besties who added sex to the mix -if that were the case then obviously LD guy would know -he'd be in your life as a good friend.  

Since you're making a big deal out of how LD guy is such a gentleman and is relationship material - consider that that is quite important to you -so please don't throw that away -if he wants that with you -for some occasional hot sex with a coworker.

[yogacat]

52 minutes ago, kim42 said:

LDR guy was unemployed for 8 months so that's why we haven't seen each other. He's never been to where I live, so it's not like he's coming here on a regular basis. 

I need to see how things go when he's here and how we feel about it but given how close we've stayed during the 8 months, I think there's a chance it might work out.

And as for the work guy, I wasn't looking for a fwb situation, he pursued me first and it just happened. I don't expect anything else than sex from him though.

Okay, so FWB is a bit of an ego boost for you to 'fill the gaps' until and if anything happens with LD guy.

Not suggesting there's anything wrong with that - there isn't - other than be careful not to conflate sex with LD guy (if you should cross that bridge....) with sex with work guy, it's not always as straight forward as 'sex is sex' 🙂

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Okay, so FWB is a bit of an ego boost for you to 'fill the gaps' until and if anything happens with LD. 

Yes, absolutely. He's younger than me and it's definitely an ego boost.

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, absolutely. He's younger than me and it's definitely an ego boost.

It’s time I think to evaluate what your priorities are. Because even if LD guy doesn’t want to date you or doesn’t want a potentially serious relationship indulging in this sort of ego boost could really hamper you in many emotional and practical ways from finding “gentlemen” as you called it to date.  Just consider it. There are other ways to feel good about yourself that don’t involve this situation with all it’s downsides. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

There are other ways to feel good about yourself that don’t involve this situation...

Agree and I am wondering how a workmate who has made it clear he only wants to **** you when it strikes his fancy could make you feel good about yourself and/or give you a ego boost?

Me?  I would find it deflating and insulting and would make me feel worse about myself!  No thank you.

That said we each dance to our own drummer, I was just wondering what your thought process was/is about it.

[kim42]

Guys, it's not that deep with the work guy - I simply like the attention, we're both cool about it and agreed to have a fling.

@rainbowsandroses you were very understanding when I said we hooked up in my thread about him so I'm surprised by your reaction here. As I said, it's an arrangement that works for me at this point, I'm sure many people went through a similar phase.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

Guys, it's not that deep with the work guy - I simply like the attention, we're both cool about it and agreed to have a fling.

@rainbowsandroses you were very understanding when I said we hooked up in my thread about him so I'm surprised by your reaction here. As I said, it's an arrangement that works for me at this point, I'm sure many people went through a similar phase.

But even if this is a phase -your timing means - that you jeopardize potential with LD guy (unless you insist that he is the type of person who - like you - goes after attention in this way -by having intercourse with a coworker - and understands your view that "many people" have this sort of phase.  Will it work for you if he's not cool with it -and yes assume he will know especially if you contract an STD or have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy (or a wanted one!) - will it work for you if there are rumors at work, if it hampers your social life/ability to date others? It's up to you whether it's worth it.  

How about the alternative of having him as a fun flirt buddy - if  you feel so flattered that he wants your body and wants you sexually - you'll still get all your thrills and boosts but then it's simply a work flirtation which as long as it doesn't jeopardize a job you want to keep - go for it! I had a work crush many years ago that I never acted on ever -I hope he never had an inkling!! - but it was fun at times to go into work -see how darn cute he looked, even though all interactions were professional/friendly coworkers talking about his wife/kids/travels. (This was before I reconnected with my husband and I did have a serious boyfriend for most of that time and I never crossed any lines)

I had a full blown work flirtation with a younger man when I was totally single -until I asked him to lunch and he went on and on suddenly about his girflriend who I had no idea about till then.  But while it was going on it was really fun and yes a bit of an ego boost as he was out of my "league" and I was in my 20s.  We never had physical contact -maybe a friendly hug.

Pick your priorities and be honest because if you choose to have sex with your coworker before you see LD guy accept that either you're not that into LD guy or you're trying to sabotage it so if he doesn't want you you can tell yourself - oh well - you know this phase of having sex with my coworker works for me as I wrote - seems like a better plan than dating some guy long distance -even if he did want me.  Be brutally honest so that you lessen the risk of deep regrets and potential emotional scars. 

 

 

[JoyfulCompany]

I'd also postpone the hookup until the LD guy's visit and it should be a non-issue if you can't "hang out" next week. Even though it doesn't seem you've invested any emotions with the coworker guy so far, having sex with someone does result in producing all kinds of happy and bonding hormones, which may result in anything between a sense of familiarity to some kind of attachment. I would like "a clear head" when meeting the LD guy. But this would be a personal preferences, it's not some rule. Ethically - you're a single woman, do as you please and enjoy.

With that said, I would like to also point out that condoms are not 100% effective towards pregnancy, hpv, hsv, so there's always some risks there...
I would have to support Morello's comment that both situations on your plate may point to you not being fully ready to commit. I've been in a phase where I thought I was but wasn't - falling for guys from other countries and fwb situations, i.e. - unavailable. In my case I was not over an ex, in your case maybe your confidence needs a little build-up from within. You absolutely deserve to be loved. 🙂

Anyway, I've been silently rooting for the LD guy from the very beginning. Not that I'm hyping up expectations but you seemed to really like him and he seemed to stay in touch as much as he could. Was it last August that he was supposed to come but couldn't, gosh, I'm a bit invested.
So - whatever it is, enjoy it. Good luck, have fun, you'll be alright.

[yogacat]

I don't think you ought to be begrudged for having sex with a coworker IF neither of you sees this as anything other than a FWB thing.

As I noted earlier, you may want things to develop deeper with LDR man and since they're not, you may well want whatever you can 'fill up' with because you're not getting your deeper needs met.

I think that's where it can get messy because you're maybe wanting one thing with LDR guy and getting another. So you fill in the gaps with work guy and it could get emotionally messy as it gets less sexual and more personal.

It's a matter of will and whether you really trust and feel comfortable keeping both of them separate. I wouldn't recommend it but it's up to you. You're single and testing the waters in your own way.

Trying to build a bridge to relationship, and FWB to fill the gaps and keep yourself emotionally occupied.  

It's difficult because you don't want to feel lonely during times in between not seeing the long distance guy yet the gaps between his visits are too long for you.    

That is something you need to decide for yourself whether you are content with an FWB and using this person for emotional ego boosting / a distraction.   

Keep an eye out on your honest feelings about LDR guy and with the FWB letting him be recognized for what he is - a filler.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I don't think you ought to be begrudged for having sex with a coworker IF neither of you sees this as anything other than a FWB thing.

As I noted earlier, you may want things to develop deeper with LDR man and since they're not, you may well want whatever you can 'fill up' with because you're not getting your deeper needs met.

I think that's where it can get messy because you're maybe wanting one thing with LDR guy and getting another. So you fill in the gaps with work guy and it could get emotionally messy as it gets less sexual and more personal.

It's a matter of will and whether you really trust and feel comfortable keeping both of them separate. I wouldn't recommend it but it's up to you. You're single and testing the waters in your own way.

Trying to build a bridge to relationship, and FWB to fill the gaps and keep yourself emotionally occupied.  

It's difficult because you don't want to feel lonely during times in between not seeing the long distance guy yet the gaps between his visits are too long for you.    

That is something you need to decide for yourself whether you are content with an FWB and using this person for emotional ego boosting / a distraction.   

Keep an eye out on your honest feelings about LDR guy and with the FWB letting him be recognized for what he is - a filler.

Thank you, you've described how I feel about this situation very well - better than I could describe it myself. 

The work guy is just a filler for sure, I see him as someone I'm happy to have some fun with and I'm sure neither of us see this fling as anything else. 

I still really like the LD guy and I'm excited to finally spend more time with him but it's true that it's been so long since we saw each other the last time, so naturally I did get lonely and it felt nice to get some attention, especially if it's a hot coworker.

I see them very differently and each has a diffetrent meaning for me, if that makes sense. 

I think I'll know more after our long weekend with the LD guy and see if we both want to take the next step together.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

r the last time, so naturally I did get lonely and it felt nice to get some attention, especially if it's a hot coworker.

It is natural to feel lonely but not "natural" to choose to react by having sex with a coworker -that is totally your choice as a single adult but it's one choice of many many ways to react to a lonely feeling.  I think it's fine to have sex with a hot coworker.  I think if you have sex again now before you see LD guy that is fine too.  And also risks potential with LD guy.

Maybe it's been asked -LD guy is single too so he can do what you are doing -if you found out would you feel ok about that even though it's not cheating or inappropriate?

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

if you found out would you feel ok about that even though it's not cheating or inappropriate?

^Is anyone naive enough to believe LD guy has not had sex with anyone for an entire YEAR?  Or eight months or however long it's been?  Job or no job, I'm not.

Kim, I think it's fine if you want to have a FB or FWB, I wasn't judging in my earlier post I was simply wondering how a FB could make you feel good about yourself and boost your ego because I am wired differently and it would actually deflate my ego and make me feel worse to have a man consider me in that light, but you explained why and it makes sense, for you.   

I agree with @catfeeder, it would probably be best to hold off on seeing work guy until LD guy visits which I hope he does and you have an awesome time!

You can decide what to do about work guy after that.

Good luck!!  

[kim42]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It is natural to feel lonely but not "natural" to choose to react by having sex with a coworker -that is totally your choice as a single adult but it's one choice of many many ways to react to a lonely feeling.  I think it's fine to have sex with a hot coworker.  I think if you have sex again now before you see LD guy that is fine too.  And also risks potential with LD guy.

Maybe it's been asked -LD guy is single too so he can do what you are doing -if you found out would you feel ok about that even though it's not cheating or inappropriate?

Thanks Batya for your input, I appreciate it.

I mean he's single and I'm not naive to think that he doesn't go on dates or meet women in his city - he's good-looking, intelligent, great sense of humor, I'm sure he gets a lof of female attention.

From all our interactions, I have the impression that he's not someone who's into casual flings but if I found out that he's seeing someone casually in his city, I guess I'd have to be okay with it because we're not dating at this point.

I think that if we agree to be exclusive and in a LDR after the long weekend, then we both should stop seeing other people. Again, if things go well and we feel the same way about each other.

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^Is anyone naive enough to believe LD guy has not had sex with anyone for an entire YEAR?  Or eight months or however long it's been?  Job or no job, I'm not.

Kim, I think it's fine if you want to have a FB or FWB, I wasn't judging in my earlier post I was simply wondering how a FB could make you feel good about yourself and boost your ego because I am wired differently and it would actually deflate my ego and make me feel worse to have a man consider me in that light, but you explained why and it makes sense, for you.   

I agree with @catfeeder, it would probably be best to hold off on seeing work guy until LD guy visits which I hope he does and you have an awesome time!

You can decide what to do about work guy after that.

Good luck!!  

Thank you, I understand, we're all different, I think @yogacat managed to summarize very well how I feel about this in one of the posts.

I'm not naive at all, I've just explained to @Batya33 that I'm sure that LD guy went on dates and stuff.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think that if we agree to be exclusive and in a LDR after the long weekend, then we both should stop seeing other people. Again, if things go well and we feel the same way about each other.

I forget, but how far is the distance between you?  I think it's doable two weekends a month - one weekend you visit him, the next weekend he visits you.  The other two weekends you both have to yourselves and you can keep in touch via texts and phone.

This is assuming you click romantically and want to pursue an exclusive RL.

Heck, I would LOVE that arrangement but don't go by me, I need A LOT of space and lone time.😆

[kim42]

6 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I'd also postpone the hookup until the LD guy's visit and it should be a non-issue if you can't "hang out" next week. Even though it doesn't seem you've invested any emotions with the coworker guy so far, having sex with someone does result in producing all kinds of happy and bonding hormones, which may result in anything between a sense of familiarity to some kind of attachment. I would like "a clear head" when meeting the LD guy. But this would be a personal preferences, it's not some rule. Ethically - you're a single woman, do as you please and enjoy.

With that said, I would like to also point out that condoms are not 100% effective towards pregnancy, hpv, hsv, so there's always some risks there...
I would have to support Morello's comment that both situations on your plate may point to you not being fully ready to commit. I've been in a phase where I thought I was but wasn't - falling for guys from other countries and fwb situations, i.e. - unavailable. In my case I was not over an ex, in your case maybe your confidence needs a little build-up from within. You absolutely deserve to be loved. 🙂

Anyway, I've been silently rooting for the LD guy from the very beginning. Not that I'm hyping up expectations but you seemed to really like him and he seemed to stay in touch as much as he could. Was it last August that he was supposed to come but couldn't, gosh, I'm a bit invested.
So - whatever it is, enjoy it. Good luck, have fun, you'll be alright.

Yes, LD guy put visiting me on hold because he was unemployed for so long. Now that he has a job again, he finally planned a visit and I'm excited! 

Thank you for your kind words, I do like him and I hope that things have not changed since last November 😊

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thanks Batya for your input, I appreciate it.

I mean he's single and I'm not naive to think that he doesn't go on dates or meet women in his city - he's good-looking, intelligent, great sense of humor, I'm sure he gets a lof of female attention.

From all our interactions, I have the impression that he's not someone who's into casual flings but if I found out that he's seeing someone casually in his city, I guess I'd have to be okay with it because we're not dating at this point.

I think that if we agree to be exclusive and in a LDR after the long weekend, then we both should stop seeing other people. Again, if things go well and we feel the same way about each other.

I’m surprised. You said you typically don’t have sex with hot men randomly. But you are and you plan to again. So assume he does the same if he’s lonely and finds a hot lady. And check yourself as far as whether that behavior would be ok with you. And if he’s not the type assume he might be uncomfortable with your choices although obviously you’d both get tested and wait the appropriate amount of time for a negative result. (When I used to get HIV testing you had to have been abstinent for a few months. Haven’t been tested since I was pregnant if then. 
 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, I understand, we're all different, I think @yogacat managed to summarize very well how I feel about this in one of the posts.

I'm not naive at all, I've just explained to @Batya33 that I'm sure that LD guy went on dates and stuff.

Well, it sounds like you've got your feet on the ground about this while at the same time being excited about his visit, and I think however this plays out, you're gonna be just fine!

Enjoy!!!

[kim42]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I forget, but how far is the distance between you?  I think it's doable two weekends a month - one weekend you visit him, the next weekend he visits you.  The other two weekends you both have to yourselves and you can keep in touch via texts and phone.

This is assuming you click romantically and want to pursue an exclusive RL.

Heck, I would LOVE that arrangement but don't go by me, I need A LOT of space and lone time.😆

It's good 3 hours altogether by train and local transport. It's something we should probably talk about once he's here and things go well. 

[kim42]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’m surprised. You said you typically don’t have sex with hot men randomly. But you are and you plan to again. So assume he does the same if he’s lonely and finds a hot lady. And check yourself as far as whether that behavior would be ok with you. And if he’s not the type assume he might be uncomfortable with your choices although obviously you’d both get tested and wait the appropriate amount of time for a negative result. (When I used to get HIV testing you had to have been abstinent for a few months. Haven’t been tested since I was pregnant if then. 
 

Yes, it's true I'm not someone who usually has casual sex, I think I've made an exception with the work guy because I'm very attracted to him - physically - and we have strong chemistry.

As I said, I'm not naive to think that LD guy has been sitting at home all this time. I think what matters now is how we feel about things when we see each other again and if we want to take things further or not.

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, kim42 said:

It's good 3 hours altogether by train and local transport. It's something we should probably talk about once he's here and things go well. 

Not that far however it can get exhausting.  I briefly dated a man from Los Angeles, I am in San Diego, it's about a 3 hour drive by car.

He would leave work early on Friday to drive down and by the time he arrived, with all the traffic etc, he was exhausted!!!

It really took a toll and we broke up.   It wasn't a serious relationship so not a huge deal and perhaps if we had both been more invested, we would have each made the effort.

Like I said, being 3 hours apart, two weekends a month IS doable assuming you're both invested.

BUT even I am getting ahead of myself now, lol, wait and see how it plays out when he visits!!