How to handle this - two guys

[kim42]

Hey everyone,

 

So some of you probably remember the long-distance guy, he's coming to visit me next week and we will spend a long weekend together. We haven't seen each other since November and I'm excited to finally see him again! We've stayed in regular touch, he has a job now and it seems we still have a good connection. 

 

We're not dating though and we're not together so I have been going on dates in the meantime but didn't meet someone I'd click with.

 

I got to know a coworker though - I have a thread about him too. After talking and flirting for a few weeks, we hooked up after a work party. Since then, we've been talking together (outside work) and it looks like we might hook up again, we're supposed to see each other next week. He made it clear he's only looking for casual and although I was not looking for a fwb situation, we have great sexual chemistry. 

 

So while I'm technically single, I'm feeling a little weird about this situation. I know that if things go well with the long-distance guy, I'll have to stop seeing my coworker. I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for, I guess I feel a little weird because these two guys kind of overlap (I don't know how to explain this), and it's unusual for me.

 

I'm trying not to overthink this and just see how things go - any advice on how to navigate this situation?

 

 

[TeeDee]

I'd wait to see what happens when long distance guy comes back.  

Then you really have to do a pros & cons analysis about what you actually want:  good chemistry with co worker but no commitment or some commitment with a guy you rarely see.   If LDR guy, what is the game plan for closing the distance? Until you figure that out, what's the point? 

[kim42]

4 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I'd wait to see what happens when long distance guy comes back.  

Then you really have to do a pros & cons analysis about what you actually want:  good chemistry with co worker but no commitment or some commitment with a guy you rarely see.   If LDR guy, what is the game plan for closing the distance? Until you figure that out, what's the point? 

Yes, I think it's a good idea to wait to see what happens with the long distance guy. We didn't talk about this yet, he was unemployed for a long time so we couldn't make any plans, and only now we can finally move forward (hopefully). We get along very well and have many things in common but I don't know how he feels about the distance.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but, is there something to navigate?

The other guy just wants sex with you. The first one might be after that as well since in a year he hasnt pushed for more(as far as we know). So, what is there to navigate? Aside of you hoping that the first one wants more which he never expressed.

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but, is there something to navigate?

The other guy just wants sex with you. The first one might be after that as well since in a year he hasnt pushed for more(as far as we know). So, what is there to navigate? Aside of you hoping that the first one wants more which he never expressed.

Yes, I know that my coworker only wants sex, I don't expect more from him.

I don't think the long distance guy is coming to visit just because he wants to have sex, he's been a gentleman so far, and kept his promise that he'd visit me once he has a job again. Of course, we're still have to see how things go when he's here.

I think I just feel a little weird that he's coming to visit me while I'm also talking to another guy who I had sex with. Maybe there's not much to navigate but I just wanted to share it here.

[yogacat]

Here's the thing.

When we really like someone, we're not going to want to sleep with someone else.

I know you feel weird about the situation, I would too, it's okay to feel that way. Are you fine with sleeping with someone and then dealing with the emotions/effects of being involved with two people?

Though, you're in no commitment with anyone, you have the liberty to do almost whatever you want to do. Like @Andrina, when dating, I was not interested in sleeping with someone while also liking someone else but it's 100% up to you!

And if the shoe were on the other foot, I would bow out.

[Andrina]

As for myself, when I was single I didn't veer from my goal of a longterm relationship though at least once, I was offered a FWB situation I rejected. I think one con is if you find a guy you want to become serious with, and then he finds out you've been in a FWB with a co-worker, even if you don't divulge that. Sometimes info like that is found out by accident or circumstance. He might be the type who doesn't like to be with a woman who has FWBs and if she's still working with the co-worker, that'll certainly cause anxiety even if he does decide to give dating a go.

Though I think it's totally ethical for two single people to have a no-strings attached FWB thing, for me, if I'd found out my future husband had done this with a co-worker right before meeting me to tide him over until he found someone he wanted to be serious with, I'd be totally turned off and probably wouldn't have dated him. It's just a preference thing for me, and others might feel totally fine about it. Just something for you to think about--if a FWB is worth the cons that come along with it. 

[Kwothe28]

19 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think I just feel a little weird that he's coming to visit me while I'm also talking to another guy who I had sex with. Maybe there's not much to navigate but I just wanted to share it here.

We who follow the story appreciate the update. 😁

Just dont think there is anything to navigate. When a guy likes you, he wont wait a year until he proclaims to you that he wants something. Because there is a chance somebody else would in a meantime. Since he didnt do it in a year, I dont believe he will now, sorry.

Are you hoping he would? Did he hinted toward that at all?

[rainbowsandroses]

54 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You're in no commitment with anyone, you have the liberty to do almost whatever you want to do.

This^ and without feeling guilty for it either! 

If me, I would just wait and see what happens with LD guy, it makes no sense to speculate about something that has not even happened yet, that only causes unnecessary anxiety as it is now.

A year is a very long time, you may not even click in person after all that time OR you might, again just wait and see and deal with it when it happens.

Including and perhaps most importantly how you will eventually close the distance gap assuming you click and you're both on same page re developing a RL.  Which you don't know yet!

Re work guy, he's nothing to you nor are you to him.   Other than an occasional sex buddy, I wouldn't even give him a second thought.

 

[kim42]

51 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

We who follow the story appreciate the update. 😁

Just dont think there is anything to navigate. When a guy likes you, he wont wait a year until he proclaims to you that he wants something. Because there is a chance somebody else would in a meantime. Since he didnt do it in a year, I dont believe he will now, sorry.

Are you hoping he would? Did he hinted toward that at all?

I'm not sure what you mean by 'something'. He didn't visit me sooner because was unemployed for a long time, and he wanted to find a job first. Once he found a job, he booked the tickets and planned the visit.

He's looking forward to seeing ne again and we've planned this long weekend together so I believe it looks good,  but I also realize we haven't seen each other in a while so I don't have crazy expectations either.

[kim42]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ and without feeling guilty for it either! 

If me, I would just wait and see what happens with LD guy, it makes no sense to speculate about something that has not even happened yet, that only causes unnecessary anxiety as it is now.

A year is a very long time, you may not even click in person after all that time OR you might, again just wait and see and deal with it when it happens.

Including and perhaps most importantly how you will eventually close the distance gap assuming you click and you're both on same page re developing a RL.  Which you don't know yet!

Re work guy, he's nothing to you nor are you to him.   Other than an occasional sex buddy, I wouldn't even give him a second thought.

 

Thank you, rainbow, this makes sense! 

I want to clarify that I am fully aware that work guy is just for hooking up and I don't expect anything else from this situation. 

 

[LootieTootie]

Hi Kim,

Are you hoping the LD guy show more interest in you now that he has a job? Or are you ok with just having sex with him too (which theres nothing wrong with)?

[Morello]

Sounds like two somewhat unavailable dating options. Is that a trend in your romantic life or just a coincidence? It would be good for you to give it some thought as to why you're involved with two guys who are unlikely to become more than flings. Not a problem per se if you're not after a relationship, of course.

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Morello said:

Sounds like two somewhat unavailable dating options. Is that a trend in your romantic life or just a coincidence? It would be good for you to give it some thought as to why you're involved with two guys who are unlikely to become more than flings. Not a problem per se if you're not after a relationship, of course.

I agree with this.

You're into situations that are sure to fail, at least short term. Are there any underlying reasons that are causing you to be attracted to guys who aren't available?

No judgment, but maybe that's something to think about. You know you can't ultimately be happy or feel secure in either situation. Unless LDR guy wants to pursue it and given he's spent eight months not doing that, it looks like a casual situation if he makes contact when he's in town.

Unless, you're open to not being in a committed relationship in which case, they're both options. If that's the case, just enjoy. Sounds like you're missing physical intimacy and each guy offers a different experience.

I'd take LDR with a grain of salt. 

[catfeeder]

I’d postpone casual guy until after the LD guy. This would be safer if you end up wanting sex with LD guy. If no sex with him you can shift right over to casual guy after LD guy leaves.

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Hi Kim,

Are you hoping the LD guy show more interest in you now that he has a job? Or are you ok with just having sex with him too (which theres nothing wrong with)?

Hi LootieTootie, he has definitely shown more interest ever since he's found a job, we talk almost every day and I'd say we're pretty close. He kept his promise and planned the visit once his situation was more stable.

I don't think he's coming to visit only to have sex, he's been very respectful so far. I'll see how things go, but I think there's a  high chance we'll have sex when he's here.

[kim42]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I agree with this.

You're into situations that are sure to fail, at least short term. Are there any underlying issues that are causing you to be attracted to guys who aren't available?

No judgment, but maybe that's something to think about. You know you can't ultimately be happy or feel secure in either situation. Unless LDR guy wants to pursue it and given he's spent eight months not doing that, it looks like a casual situation if he makes contact when he's in town.

I'd take LDR with a grain of salt. 

LDR guy was unemployed for 8 months so that's why we haven't seen each other. He's never been to where I live, so it's not like he's coming here on a regular basis. 

I need to see how things go when he's here and how we feel about it but given how close we've stayed during the 8 months, I think there's a chance it might work out.

And as for the work guy, I wasn't looking for a fwb situation, he pursued me first and it just happened. I don't expect anything else than sex from him though.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Here's the thing.

When we really like someone, we're not going to want to sleep with someone else.

I know you feel weird about the situation, I would too, it's okay to feel that way. Are you fine with sleeping with someone and then dealing with the emotions/effects of being involved with two people?

Though, you're in no commitment with anyone, you have the liberty to do almost whatever you want to do. Like @Andrina, when dating, I was not interested in sleeping with someone while also liking someone else but it's 100% up to you!

And if the shoe were on the other foot, I would bow out.

I really like the LDR guy. When I started to get closer to the work guy, I didn't know yet that he would come to visit.

I think that's maybe new for me - being involved with 2 people. I think I don't want to end things with the work guy until I see how it goes with the LDR guy.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

As for myself, when I was single I didn't veer from my goal of a longterm relationship though at least once, I was offered a FWB situation I rejected. I think one con is if you find a guy you want to become serious with, and then he finds out you've been in a FWB with a co-worker, even if you don't divulge that. Sometimes info like that is found out by accident or circumstance. He might be the type who doesn't like to be with a woman who has FWBs and if she's still working with the co-worker, that'll certainly cause anxiety even if he does decide to give dating a go.

Though I think it's totally ethical for two single people to have a no-strings attached FWB thing, for me, if I'd found out my future husband had done this with a co-worker right before meeting me to tide him over until he found someone he wanted to be serious with, I'd be totally turned off and probably wouldn't have dated him. It's just a preference thing for me, and others might feel totally fine about it. Just something for you to think about--if a FWB is worth the cons that come along with it. 

Same exact here. I wouldn't judge my friend for doing that though -and I have had friends who did that -but I would not date that person.  I had a date with my neighbor and he told me casually over dinner that he hadn't been serious with anyone in awhile but had a gal he hung out with now and again for sex.  Huge turn off.  And I'd had a crush on him before he asked me out.

 I was dating someone casually for about 4 weeks during the time my now husband and I had 3 platonic evening dates.  I was not having sex with that guy, we were dating in order to see if we should be serious - and my future husband and I got back together on the 3rd evening out with no contact before that in any romantic way.  Once we did I stopped dating that guy and stopped looking to date others.  My husband's ex girlfriend was a coworker but they had broken up already and he wasn't dating anyone.  My husband was generally aware I was in the dating scene but during our platonic evenings I mentioned my ex boyfriend and why we'd ended things but I didn't discuss my dating life.  It was none of his business.  Also before we met up we'd had two phone calls and maybe one email literally just to set up a plan to meet to catch up as friends.  That was long distance too so when he called me in early June it was to tell me he'd be in town the following month which is when we met.

I think if he expresses interest in dating you with potential for a serious relationship I'd stop the sexual arrangement even if you're still "exploring" wiith long distance guy.  That way if it comes up you can tell him -yes I hooked up with that coworker but before you and I were dating.  After all LD guy arguably didn't pull out all the stops to see you till now - I get the whole unemployed thing -but it's -arguable.

Also fine if what is important to you is keeping this hot sex partner around -maybe part of you is hoping he'll change his mind about wanting to date you properly -as a "gentleman" as you mentioned about the other guy.  

 

[LootieTootie]

I guess we will see if the LD guy is finally willing to make you his with words and actions. The distance might be a barrier because traveling does cost a lot of $$

I know a lot of people who have had FWB with people who are long distance but they see each other once in a blue moon. Not really sustainable. However, I think if you really like this LD guy, I would recommend not having a FWB with him.

The work guy- I wouldn't worry about him. He is just some guy thats there to flirt and have occasional sex with. And if he's a looker - yes. The only thing I would say is that when I read your thread about him, he reminds me of other good-looking guys back in my days. They come off smooth and flirty but sometimes nervous and does these "I'll let you know" but sometimes they don't let you know. So, yea, its easy to get smitten with them (and thats why girls chase them) but they most likely... do get around. So be careful, never know what diseases they be carrying.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

And as for the work guy, I wasn't looking for a fwb situation, he pursued me first and it just happened. I don't expect anything else than sex from him though.

I'd shift that mindset -many people aren't looking for sexual arrangements -by definition really -some people do seek out ONS or sexual arrangements but be honest with yourself that it doesn't matter who pursued who "first" - when you're naked and having sex you're obviously pursuing each other literally lol.  I didn't read that you don't expect this man to date you properly so pls ignore what I wrote in my post in that regard.  

Your involvement with the two people -neither is dating.  The work guy is a sex arrangement.  You got closer to him in a friendly way and now you are closer in a sexual way.  With LD guy you accepted that he is a person who would not be available to date when unemployed.  You are not dating him, you don't know if he wants to date you or maybe just have fun hanging out with you whether you have sex or not.  So you're not dating two men you simply are interested in two men one of whom is interested in you sexually and one of whom might be interested in dating you but has not yet tried to close the deal and is ok risking you being snapped up by someone else (whihch you have been, at least sexually)

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

As for myself, when I was single I didn't veer from my goal of a longterm relationship though at least once, I was offered a FWB situation I rejected. I think one con is if you find a guy you want to become serious with, and then he finds out you've been in a FWB with a co-worker, even if you don't divulge that. Sometimes info like that is found out by accident or circumstance. He might be the type who doesn't like to be with a woman who has FWBs and if she's still working with the co-worker, that'll certainly cause anxiety even if he does decide to give dating a go.

Though I think it's totally ethical for two single people to have a no-strings attached FWB thing, for me, if I'd found out my future husband had done this with a co-worker right before meeting me to tide him over until he found someone he wanted to be serious with, I'd be totally turned off and probably wouldn't have dated him. It's just a preference thing for me, and others might feel totally fine about it. Just something for you to think about--if a FWB is worth the cons that come along with it. 

Thank you for sharing this. I think it's very unlikely that the LD guy could find out about my coworker - it's a different country, he doesn't know anyone in my city but I know what you mean.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think that's maybe new for me - being involved with 2 people. I think I don't want to end things with the work guy until I see how it goes with the LDR guy.

But you're not involved with work guy, so there is nothing to "end" is there? You're workmates who had sex once and might again..  That is the extent of your "involvement," it's unrealistic to believe it is anything more than that and that it's something you should be concerned about IF you and LD guy do click when he visits.  Which you don't know yet.

Right now you're not really involved with LD guy either, other than you've had what essentially amounts to a online interaction for a year and he's coming to visit.

Kim, with respect you are WAY overthinking this.  

Try to take things one day at a time, enjoy your visit with LD guy, and allow everything to play out the way it's meant to.

Like I said before, work guy is a nothingburger, I wouldn't be giving him a second thought let alone believing you are "involved" with him.

Have fun and keep us posted about LD guy, I hope it works out the way you hope!

 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Thank you for sharing this. I think it's very unlikely that the LD guy could find out about my coworker - it's a different country, he doesn't know anyone in my city but I know what you mean.

I wouldn't be so sure particularly with social media.  All you need is a tag of you and or him, a photo you didn't know existed, and small world stuff - and if he then asks something tangential - you'll have to figure out what to do.

My friend's boyfriend who she had a son with cheated on her.  My friend wanted to show me the letter from the mistress and I said no.  The mistress harassed her.  She did mention the mistress's first name and that the mistress was a doctor.

About a year later her boyfriend died -at the time they were living "together" but in separate rooms.

About 6 months after that a woman I'd known in my former city and was FB friends with posted something about the death of her "friend" - my friend's boyfriend.  It was clear she was the mistress.  So hmmm - had the timing been different I would have been a person who knew my friend's boyfriend was cheating on her - and I had only met the boyfriend a few times, I was friends with this woman when we lived 800 miles away and she'd happened to live in my current city for a couple of years. Of course I said nothing but just saying.  

[Capricorn3]

33 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’d postpone casual guy until after the LD guy. This would be safer if you end up wanting sex with LD guy. If no sex with him you can shift right over to casual guy after LD guy leaves.

^ My thoughts exactly.