She thinks sex will ruin the relationship right now?

[Alittlehelpplz]

So recently I met this girl, well I’ve known for about a year but we started talking a couple weeks ago. 
I was with my ex for majority of the time so I didn’t pay her to much mind. 
My ex and I broke up, she plays a lot of games and this whole going back and forth thing is just stupid. I decided to give her another chance for the 4th time and she pulled away again and said she wasn’t ready. I said ok, I had something big happen in my life recently and I told my ex about it. She said she would reach out to me to talk to me before the event. She didn’t. At that point I decided I was done. She messaged me the day after saying I hope everything went ok and I ignored it. 
 

I started talking to this new girl a few weeks ago, we were just friendly until one night things progressed. But I was worried that I would hurt her considered how new to being single I was. So I didn’t sleep with her. The next time I told her what was in my mind and she understood. 
 

At that point we started talking and getting to know each other. She asked me out one day and I said yes. I planned a date for us and we had a great time but we did end up having sex. She said she wasn’t sure about us doing it because she didn’t want to be a rebound but she doesn’t have regrets that we did. So we did again. 
 

we kept talking everyday and planning other dates and plans. She told me recently though that she thinks it’s not a good idea for us to have sex anymore. She said she’s scared that our relationship will become centered around sex and she doesn’t want that. She’s also concerned because we both got out of relationships recently. Me sooner than her. 
 

I told her I understood and if this makes things more comfortable for her then I’m game. She said just for now, it doesn’t mean we aren’t going to ever have sex again, she just wants our relationship to develop more first. 
 

im concerned because I dated a girl and she had similar concerns so she wanted to do the same. It completely killed our chemistry. We ended up breaking up and she said we lacked in chemistry, but I feel like she caused it. 
 

im concerned it’s going to happen like that again. 
I can also tell that our communication has been less flirty and fun like it was before. 
 

I’m respecting her decision but she’s concerned that we are acting like we are in a relationship but we aren’t yet. 
 

should I just see how things go? 
or should I tell her my concerns 

[Batya33]

You didn't "end up" having sex -you chose to have sex and she did too.  She regrets moving so fast.  So tell her if you want to get to know her -that's fine let's hold off until you're comfortable.  I don't see the comparison with your ex.  What are you main goals -getting to know her or getting laid?

[Alittlehelpplz]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You didn't "end up" having sex -you chose to have sex and she did too.  She regrets moving so fast.  So tell her if you want to get to know her -that's fine let's hold off until you're comfortable.  I don't see the comparison with your ex.  What are you main goals -getting to know her or getting laid?

I actually do want to get to know her. 
She’s different than what I’m use too but I feel like in a good way. I normally date women with a little more edge and this girl is like a teddy bear. 
 

but that’s true we chose to. 
 

I said something similar and she said let me clarify I do feel comfortable with you. I just don’t want our relationship to be all about sex and she wants more of a relationship before we start getting sexual again

[Batya33]

Just now, Alittlehelpplz said:

I actually do want to get to know her. 
She’s different than what I’m use too but I feel like in a good way. I normally date women with a little more edge and this girl is like a teddy bear. 
 

but that’s true we chose to. 
 

I said something similar and she said let me clarify I do feel comfortable with you. I just don’t want our relationship to be all about sex and she wants more of a relationship before we start getting sexual again

This is all confusing to me.  A dating relationship involves two people going on dates and typically involves romance - kissing, hand holding, flirting, maybe sex or being sexual.  She doesn't want to share her body with you to the extent of having intercourse until she feels comfortable - and likely this will be when she knows you as a person better and perhaps then you will see her as more of a person with nuances not in some label as "teddy bear" instead of "edge"  So it's not "more of a relationship" it's more of knowing who you are and how you two interact and future potential.

I think it's not the best idea to have intercourse and then stop because of regrets -especially when you barely know each other. but the alternative is she decides - full stop -no more dating.  

Plan some fun public dates, be affectionate, romantic, sexual - be sober - and avoid doing dates involving only being in someone's home.  And see how it goes.

[TeeDee]

This is like closing the barn door after the horse got out.   If you had never had sex & she wanted to wait that would be one thing.  But having sex, then saying she doesn't want sex that tells me she doesn't know her own mind & has self control issues.  She was a willing participant but now regrets it.  

It's one thing to go on dates but not have every date end up in bed. But to say no more sex at all is ridiculous IMO

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

im concerned because I dated a girl and she had similar concerns so she wanted to do the same. It completely killed our chemistry. We ended up breaking up and she said we lacked in chemistry, but I feel like she caused it. 

Then why are you entertaining another one who is possibly doing the same?

I do get her concerns that you would maybe just want her for sex. So she "cut you off" for the time being. Her decision so OK. But the point is, it shouldnt have mattered if the relationship progresses in the right way. And this just seems like "game playing" and/or confuses you since you already had bad experiences with it.

"The cat is already out of the bag". You cant return time and not have sex nore do I think either of you wants that. If she didnt wanted sex out of the relationship, she shouldnt have done it in the first place. Now its just created problems. At the time when problems shouldnt be there in the first place since its the start of dating.

[Batya33]

As my wise mom used to say when I was dating "you can't go back to holding hands" (yes, she was not a fan of having sex right away and - in my world and in my opinion -she was right as far as what was right for me- I realize sex early on is right for others!)

I read the responses and I agree that she is creating needless complications -by now changing her mind about how she wants to proceed with sex.  Very different if she simply declined on a particular night because not everyone wants sex every single date or there are physical reasons - but yes I agree pulling back in this way is concerning. 

[MissCanuck]

I think she doesn't have the courage to come out and tell you that she isn't sure about continuing to see you, so she's starting by dialing back sex. And now backing off of flrity messages. 

It seems she got ahead of herself and now has some regrets. I would personally not hold my breath for this working out. Give her the space she has requested, but also be mindful that this may simply be her way of ending it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Another alternative theory is that by having sex and I'm assuming good sex, she's becoming quite attached to you emotionally (sex and emotions tend to be linked for some people myself included) and she wants to get to know you better and spend time outside the outside the bedroom before becoming "too" attached. 

I mean how many threads have we read where when the woman agreed to early sex and she's become attached/bonded and wasn't emotionally prepared for it and/or trust had not been fully established, and the advice was to dial things back sexually?  At least for awhile.

Tons!

So it is possible that's what's going on with her too.  She needs to feel she can trust you and it's possible that's not there yet all the way.

It's actually smart imo. 

And yes you can go backwards, relationships rarely develop in a linear fashion.  These early stages are chock full of twists and turns; remaining flexible to all the various nuances is key to whether it will be successful or not.

So back off on the sex for now and spend time getting to know each other.  

By the way, you can still be physically affectionate with each other - touching, cuddling, kissing - sex alone is not necessary to keep chemistry alive. 

 

 

[TeeDee]

Dialing sex back & getting to know someone is good but to say no, not at all after you have had sex is the problem.  

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Dialing sex back & getting to know someone is good but to say no, not at all after you have had sex is the problem.  

TeeDee OP wrote:

23 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

She said she’s scared that our relationship will become centered around sex and she doesn’t want that. She’s also concerned because we both got out of relationships recently. Me sooner than her. 
She said just for now, it doesn’t mean we aren’t going to ever have sex again, she just wants our relationship to develop more first. 

This^ makes total sense to me and again I think it's smart given how she feels. 

And like I said, no sex does not mean no physical affection, there should be physical affection - kissing, cuddling, just being close.

If she is resistant to that too, then yes that's a problem!

It's only temporary until trust has been established and she feels more comfortable.

JMO we can agree to disagree.

[TeeDee]

I suggested that the OP go on some dates that do not end up on the bedroom.  That may allay the woman's concerns.  

My point which is something we may actually agree on, is that dialing sex back is fine; withholding it altogether at this point is a problem.  Early on it can be off-putting when every date is only about sex to the exclusion of all other activity 

IMO I don't trust people who run hot & cold like this.  A relationship should be an upward trajectory.  You build toward sex, then continue having sex as you get to know your partner better.  If you aren't ready to move forward, then don't have early sex.  It's not that complicated but does take self awareness & self control.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

A relationship should be an upward trajectory. 

Ideally yes but it doesn’t always play out that way at least in my experience and from observing other couples in long term relationships. 

Things don't always move in a linear fashion, again flexibility is key. 

The course of true love never did run smooth”  -- William Shakespeare 

What he meant is that love is not always easy. True love is not something that always flows smoothly without encountering any obstacles.

Bottom line, who knows?  It's all speculation.  All the OP can do is read the various responses and do what's best for HIM.

 

 

[smackie9]

When you have someone that doesn't have the confidence in her own actions/decisions..it is a problem you don't need to deal with. I would just move on. I can see it if you were teenagers discovering sex and relationships but being a grown a$$ adult...this is silly s%$^

[Andrina]

Yes, the wiser route she should have taken is to not have had a conversation about no more sex for the time being. Instead, she would've kept thoughts to herself and thought: Let's see if this guy wants to really get to know me and not just have the goal of sex every time we're together. I'll ask him if he wants to take a hike in the park and see if he enjoys that time with me, knowing we won't be going to one another's homes afterward. Time will tell.

But that didn't happen. You don't know her well enough to know why she's behaving like this. But, you say you're in the rebound stage just breaking up with your ex, so it's not like you should just jump into yet another dating situation besides this one so soon. You like this woman well enough, so would it really be a horrible thing if you give this another 30 to 60 days and see what happens?  Make your efforts to getting to know her.  See if she's making an equal effort. It's not that long in the span of things. If she lets things fade away, it's still early days where you won't be devastated.

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, Andrina said:

See if she's making an equal effort. It's not that long in the span of things. If she lets things fade away, it's still early days where you won't be devastated.

I agree with Andrina^ and as I stated earlier, no sex does NOT mean no physical affection.  If she recoils at physical affection such as kissing and cuddling, then I would venture to guess she's simply not attracted to you enough and perhaps is seeking more of a friendship.

One thing I don't agree with Andrina about is that I think it was okay for her to be straightforward about her feelings about pulling back on the sex despite initially agreeing to it.  She wasn't quite ready emotionally which to me makes sense since she's just out of a previous relationship and so are you.

Also, as with many of these posts, we are only hearing one side.  It's possible that she had perceived your behavior such that you only wanted sex, that sex is all you were focused on.  Many women feel this way based on a man's behavior during early stages.  There are a zillion posts on this forum discussing it.

That may not be true, but that was her perception so she thought it prudent to tell you "hey let's back off on the sex for awhile and get to know each other."

If she had not told you that, you would still be pushing for sex whenever you got together and that could be uncomfortable for her.

Try to understand her perspective, as she should try to understand yours as well.

 

[Alittlehelpplz]

It’s a weird situation, within 2 days she back acting like she did before. She said she thinks we should wait on all the sex stuff for a while and just date. No sexting pictures or whatever, then 2 days ago, she changed her mind. She said we shouldn’t but she got right back on to sexting and asked me if she could spend the night because she wanted to cuddle. 
mixed messages right 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alittlehelpplz said:

It’s a weird situation, within 2 days she back acting like she did before. She said she thinks we should wait on all the sex stuff for a while and just date. No sexting pictures or whatever, then 2 days ago, she changed her mind. She said we shouldn’t but she got right back on to sexting and asked me if she could spend the night because she wanted to cuddle. 
mixed messages right 

I'd back out now because she may then claim you were using her, had sex without her consent or act on impulse and put you both at risk for an unplanned pregnancy.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

It’s a weird situation, within 2 days she back acting like she did before. She said she thinks we should wait on all the sex stuff for a while and just date. No sexting pictures or whatever, then 2 days ago, she changed her mind. She said we shouldn’t but she got right back on to sexting and asked me if she could spend the night because she wanted to cuddle. 
mixed messages right 

My guess is her "no sex for now" was some sort of **** test to see how you'd react, if you would still stick around. 

She needed to be certain you weren't "using" her for sex. As juvenile as that sounds (to me).

Since you complied and still stuck around, she now feels comfortable having sex!

She wouldn't be the first woman to play this game and she won't be the last!

I dislike games and * tests but many women play and so do many men!  In one form or another.   

Your call if this is OK with you assuming I'm correct which I may not be.

Just my opinion as I've seen it before and even done myself in my younger days not proud to admit. 

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

It’s a weird situation, within 2 days she back acting like she did before. She said she thinks we should wait on all the sex stuff for a while and just date. No sexting pictures or whatever, then 2 days ago, she changed her mind. She said we shouldn’t but she got right back on to sexting and asked me if she could spend the night because she wanted to cuddle. 
mixed messages right 

Hot & cold. . . doesn't know her own mind.  

If you are OK with this just go with the flow.  Let her lead.  If she initiates, have at it.  Do take her on a few dates where you pick her, go on the date, then drop her back home without going inside to have sex with her. Show her through your actions that you do like her as a person. 

[ShySoul]

On 7/8/2024 at 9:25 AM, Alittlehelpplz said:

im concerned because I dated a girl and she had similar concerns so she wanted to do the same. It completely killed our chemistry. We ended up breaking up and she said we lacked in chemistry, but I feel like she caused it. 

im concerned it’s going to happen like that again. 

Never compare one girl to another. Never compare one relationship to another. Each relationship is an entirely new experience. What worked before may not work now. What was an issue before may be just fine now. Take each things that happens as a new experience and live in the moment, with the person you are with now. She deserves to be recognized and valued for who she is, not having to deal with the ghost of relationships past.

On 7/11/2024 at 9:36 AM, Alittlehelpplz said:

It’s a weird situation, within 2 days she back acting like she did before. She said she thinks we should wait on all the sex stuff for a while and just date. No sexting pictures or whatever, then 2 days ago, she changed her mind. She said we shouldn’t but she got right back on to sexting and asked me if she could spend the night because she wanted to cuddle. 
mixed messages right 

Makes perfect sense. Just because you don't believe you should have sex, doesn't mean you don't still feel like having sex. It doesn't mean you suddenly lose interest in the closeness or intimacy that sexting or cuddling provides. Sex creates ties between people that can draw us together. Like a can of Pringles, once you pop you can't stop. Even when you tell yourself not to, there is a part of you that second guesses or rationalizes that it's okay.

 I don't see a game or someone trying to start anything. I see a person wrestling with conflicting feelings. On one hand she enjoyed it and would like to do it again. On the other hand, she realizes it was too much too soon and is afraid of all the ramifications of being sexual. She was being honest in everything she said. She doesn't want this to be a rebound. She doesn't want it to be all about sex. She wants to have a deeper relationship first. But she is also human and she remembered and enjoyed the experience.

You can have a middle ground. It doesn't have to be all sex or no sex. The important thing is to communicate with each other what is acceptable versus what is off limits. Respect each others boundaries. I've spent nights just cuddling and enjoying her presence. Sex was not on the table, we both knew and accepted that. You can have the same. If she wants to take it slow, then just make a rule that you don't go there and have the willpower to stick to that rule. If she is okay with other things, then enjoy those other things.

Don't overthink. Don't try to read into things. Be in the moment and take people at their word. It generally works out and is just way easier and less of a headache.

[shouldhavelearned]

Hopefully she's not pregnant.

Maybe this will help you to keep your zipper up with the next women you date for a lot longer time frame.

You both caused this and to some degree imo, you share more of the responsibility.

[MissCanuck]

She's probaby on-off with someone else. 

[ShySoul]

On 7/8/2024 at 9:25 AM, Alittlehelpplz said:

My ex and I broke up, she plays a lot of games and this whole going back and forth thing is just stupid.

Your ex played games. It's what you are used to. Now you expect it from others. You are looking for it in her actions. Don't.

So often we assume ulterior motives. We don't trust or believe in people. Once you've been hurt you feel you have to guard yourself and see dangers everywhere. Sometimes it's true. But usually it's in our own minds. We create the very problems we don't want to have.

Take her for who she is. Take her at her word. Show the respect and courtesty to take your time and only do the thnigs you are both comfortable with. If something confuses you, go directly to the source and talk it out. You can't read her mind. No one else can. So talk to her and get it straight. 

So many issues could be solved so easily if people just talked and communicated with each other more.

[catfeeder]

If you like this woman enough, then I don't see the problem. She wants to know whether you're interested in getting to know her or you just want a sex buddy. This doesn't make her a villain, just insecure even while she's not exactly in control of her own sexuality. She likes sex, she wants sex, she just doesn't want it to be the only thing you like about her. But she's never going to learn that if she keeps turning sexual with you.

You get to decide whether you want to be along for this, or not.