Did I go overboard? Should I trust her again?

[Treyou916]

Soo I just had one of the worst weeks of my life and I thought things were clearing up.. but it's just getting more and more confusing.. alot of you will probably tell me to cut my losses and get out! And honestly... I've thought about it.. but.. I love her.. she's the mother of my 2 boys.. clearly something needs to change but how can I make this work when I don't know if I can trust her stories! 

 

So Me (26m) and my (23f) fiancé have been having alot of communication problems, intimacy problems, not the same interests anymore and most recently trust issues.. 

 

I'm not able to tell the story without it looking sus and trusting her after all of this... I'd be an idiot.. but I still believe there's room for improvement 

 

Last week I noticed my fiancé was texting someone ALOT.. like she's glued to that phone all the time! I asked who she was talking to and she just casually told me "A guy I met on Facebook dating" so I was kinda shocked.. I asked what she was doing on there and she told me it was still active frome before we met.. almost 4years ago.. I kinda brushed it off but that's the first red flag. They met last Friday.. went to the beach with the guy alone after only talking to him for 4 days.. and when she got back.. looks like they now have plans for a concert 2hrs away from home and since she has no license she's gonna sleep over there... and that's when I kinda went woooow.. idk about this.. making friends is one thing but planning to sleep over there soo quickly after meeting him..I'm suspicious getting suspicious of this guy.. 

 

And while she's planning all of this with him. Me and her are literally fighting over everything we're on the edge of breaking up because we never spend time together, we can't communicate like normal people without getting in an argument.. 

 

A few days ago.. I asked if I could at least meet the guy before she sleeps over.. if I could at least just put a face on the guy who my fiancé talking too and meet her "new friend" that could at least make it a little less stressful.. and if he really is a nice guy then we could all chill and put this tension behind us all.. but.. she don't want me to meet him.. and he don't want to meet me.. and so I said I'm not comfortable with her sleeping over at that guys house if I can't at least meet him or talk to him! She's met all of my friends and I don't see a problem with that if it really is just friendly..

 

And then we broke up.. she broke down in tears.. we got back together.. and then she lies to my face.. 

 

To make me feel better she told me he had no idea about our relationship problems.. that did reasure me cause if he's not aware of anything then I don't need to worry he's gonna make a move, she's in a happy relationship in his head right? But what she said was sooo fishy.. idk how to say it but I didn't believe her.. so what I did next I'm not proud of but I checked her last convo with him.. and there you have it.. she was planning to break up with me again and she was conspiring with him on how to do it!! 

 

When I caught her she broke down into tears again.. I said I could forgive her but she need to show me I can trust her.. but at this point idk if I want to trust her again.. she lied to my face to make me feel better and then went behind my back doing exactly what I was scared of.. 

 

What the hell do I do now? Things could have been simple but got waaaay out of hand.. now we don't trust each other.. we're mad at each other 

[TeeDee]

You have 3 choices, none of them good. 

1.  You can bury your head in the sand, marry her & be miserable for ever. 

2.  You can fight with her until she dumps you 

3.  You can break up with her, protect your kids & try to civilly co parent for their sake. 

You are foolish if you don't believe this "sleep-over" doesn't involve sex.  You are foolish if you have sex with her again without a condom & an STD test. 

Understand the only reason she's mad at you is because she knows the gravy train in ending & she's upset she got caught cheating. 

If you stay with her, what are you teaching your children about self respect & boundaries?  

[yogacat]

I don't think that you're being an idiot for wanting to try and make things work with your fiancé. You obviously love her and want to do what's best for your family.

She, however, is not being respectful of your trust or your relationship. It's not fair for her to continue talking to this guy if it's causing so much tension and insecurity in your relationship. If she truly wants to make things work with you, she needs to cut off all communication with him and focus on rebuilding trust with you. 

Why does she need to spend the night with him if they are just "friends?" That seems like another red flag. 

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't trust her in this situation. I have a male friend since eight years old and I would never sleep over his house if it meant making my significant other uncomfortable. That's just not respectful or fair to you. I've never slept over his house and vice versa period, I just don't think there is a need for it, why push it?

[Treyou916]

We've been in a constant back and forth over all of this.. 

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I don't think that you're being an idiot for wanting to try and make things work with your fiancé. You obviously love her and want to do what's best for your family.

She, however, is not being respectful of your trust or your relationship. It's not fair for her to continue talking to this guy if it's causing so much tension and insecurity in your relationship. If she truly wants to make things work with you, she needs to cut off all communication with him and focus on rebuilding trust with you. 

Additionally, it's concerning that she lied to you about her intentions with this guy and was even planning to break up with you. And why does she need to  spend the night with him if they are just "friends"? That seems like another red flag. 

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't trust her in this situation. I have a male friend since eight years old and I would never sleep over his house if it meant making my significant other uncomfortable. That's just not respectful or fair to you. I've never slept over his house and vice versa period, I just don't think there is a need for it, why push 

In retaliation she just gave up, she sent him a text saying "the father of her children" doesn't want her to be friends so shes canceling all plans.. that's not what I wanted I just didn't want her to sleep over there.. I could of picked her up after, or even go with them but.. doesn't seem it's an option for her..

[TeeDee]

That wasn't retaliation.  That was passive aggressive, but she is trying to pick you.  The fact that she doesn't see why this is a problem. The fact that you weren't invite are the real issues.  

[DarkCh0c0]

She wants to break up on her own terms so she'd have time to prep emotionally, financially, and so forth. But since you caught her before she's ready, of course she backtracked.

Can you accept that she's emotionally cheating on you and is not loyal to you?

Are you willing the accept that she's no longer "the one"? And stop holding to the fantasy of what the relationship could have been?

In any case, let your parting be as peaceful as possible for the kids' sake, and you will be fine. You deserve true and beautiful love. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Treyou916 said:

So Me (26m) and my (23f) fiancé have been having alot of communication problems, intimacy problems, not the same interests anymore and most recently trust issues

These are common issues when you get together at a young age when you are still developing your personalities, specially your younger gf. The incompatibilities, the differing interests and so forth.

These are more reasons to part ways.

[yogacat]

51 minutes ago, Treyou916 said:

In retaliation she just gave up, she sent him a text saying "the father of her children" doesn't want her to be friends so shes canceling all plans.. that's not what I wanted I just didn't want her to sleep over there.. I could of picked her up after, or even go with them but.. doesn't seem it's an option for her..

I think she overexaggerated, it isn't that you're not wanting them to be friends but that the sleeping over part is not necessary. Just because you said you felt uncomfy, it wasn't wrong.

You were not against her being friends with a guy, you were against her sleeping over this guy's house, which is a completely valid concern. 

I would tell her if she wants to sleep over then she can, but if she does, I'm not sure if your relationship can continue. It's not controlling, this is one basic decision which can be done without any sacrifice to her as a favor of your relationship.

Honestly, if my boyfriend told me he was sleeping at some random girl's house he just met ---> I would say "okay, when is your drop off time?" 

[Treyou916]

24 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

The fact that she doesn't see why this is a problem. The fact that you weren't invite are the real issues.  

Yeah.. she doesn't have many friends since she moved here almost 4 years ago so I can understand why she wanted her own friends but the issues for me is how she met him and how fast it's all going.. the lack of communication makes it suspicious and then I look like an *** who doesn't want her to go out and have fun when I ask questions.. the lack of trust was already there before the lie.. 

[Treyou916]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I would tell her if she wants to sleep over then she can, but if she does, I'm not sure if your relationship can continue. It's not controlling, this is one basic decision which can be done without any sacrifice to her as a favor of your relationship.

She doesn't want to go back on her decision "whatever that may be" she canceled her plans and now I'm the bad guy.. she's gonna feel trapped again.. and we will be right back where we started before all of this 

[Treyou916]

26 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

She wants to break up on her own terms so she'd have time to prep emotionally, financially, and so forth. But since you caught her before she's ready, of course she backtracked.

Can you accept that she's emotionally cheating on you and is not loyal to you?

Are you willing the accept that she's no longer "the one"? And stop holding to the fantasy of what the relationship could have been?

In any case, let your parting be as peaceful as possible for the kids' sake, and you will be fine. You deserve true and beautiful love. 

It's hard to let go.. especially when everything is so nostalgic lately.. our 3year engagement anniversary is coming up this weekend.. we're going to a wedding the week after for a couple we matched together.. and it's our boys birthday at the end of the month.. *** is confusing! 

[yogacat]

5 minutes ago, Treyou916 said:

She doesn't want to go back on her decision "whatever that may be" she canceled her plans and now I'm the bad guy.. she's gonna feel trapped again.. and we will be right back where we started before all of this 

She didn't need to cancel her plans. Why couldn't she just get a hotel? Really? C'mon man, someone she befriended and gone to the beach with, "planned' to hang out with, who has no intentions couldn't do the right thing and say, hey why don't you get a hotel? This is an important weekend!" That wasn't his idea? She negotiated like she wanted to hang out with him more by staying over at his place??? Seriously??

I think your fiance is up to no good. She likes this guy and wants to explore that. I think given your issues in your relationship she's looking to step out and see if there's someone better for her. I wouldn't believe this FB dating sites stuff. She's just saying that to keep you on your heels. Don't buy it.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Treyou916 said:

Yeah.. she doesn't have many friends since she moved here almost 4 years ago so I can understand why she wanted her own friends but the issues for me is how she met him and how fast it's all going.. the lack of communication makes it suspicious and then I look like an *** who doesn't want her to go out and have fun when I ask questions.. the lack of trust was already there before the lie.. 

Facebook dating is not for making platonic friends.

[Treyou916]

23 minutes ago, yogacat said:

She didn't need to cancel her plans. Why couldn't she just get a hotel? Really? C'mon man, someone she befriended and gone to the beach with, "planned' to hang out with, who has no intentions couldn't do the right thing and say, hey why don't you get a hotel? This is an important weekend!" That wasn't his idea?

Right? If I befriended a woman in a serious relationship I wouldn't mind nor be worried about meeting the guy because I have no intentions with his fiancé or wife whatever! And if he's not comfortable with her sleeping over at ny place it's no big deal, she doesn't need to sleep over, she can get a taxi or whatever, go to a hotel.. idk 

 

I just feel like it's gotten out of hand.. how fast everything went downhill just because I was worried.. 

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, Treyou916 said:

Yeah.. she doesn't have many friends since she moved here almost 4 years ago so I can understand why she wanted her own friends but the issues for me is how she met him and how fast it's all going.. the lack of communication makes it suspicious and then I look like an *** who doesn't want her to go out and have fun when I ask questions.. the lack of trust was already there before the lie.. 

Can you do anything to help her make friends with more appropriate people?  Can you teach her to drive so she has more freedom?  Get her into some kind of mommy & Me classes with the kids.  Maybe help her start a neighborhood play group so she can meet people.  

[Treyou916]

17 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Can you do anything to help her make friends with more appropriate people?  Can you teach her to drive so she has more freedom?  Get her into some kind of mommy & Me classes with the kids.  Maybe help her start a neighborhood play group so she can meet people.  

I've tried.. alot.. she doesn't get along with women in general.. she has 1 or 2 female friends and 1 guy friend.. and this dude.. that's about it

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Treyou916 said:

our 3year engagement anniversary is coming up this weekend.. we're going to a wedding the week after for a couple we matched together.. and it's our boys birthday at the end of the month.. *** is confusing! 

Well, that's life. It's the unexpected and it needs your attention.

You can delay this all you want. It won't change the fact she has no feelings for you and doesn't want you anymore. She's going along the ride now until it's convenient to drop you like a hot potato because you won't stand up to yourself and give her serious consequences for her actions.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Treyou916 said:

To make me feel better she told me he had no idea about our relationship problems.. that did reasure me cause if he's not aware of anything then I don't need to worry he's gonna make a move, she's in a happy relationship in his head right?

She met the guy on FB dating. That isnt some friends meeting platforms. Its a dating site basically. He knows what he is in for.

Also, how much you want to bet that she already talked to him about your relationship problems, how she is going to leave you and how she is going to be with him? Because that is standard cheaters MO.

Yes, cut your losses immediately. There is no happiness for you there nore it will be in the future. She is literally talking and possibly sleeping with other men. 

[TeeDee]

34 minutes ago, Treyou916 said:

I've tried.. alot.. she doesn't get along with women in general.. she has 1 or 2 female friends and 1 guy friend.. and this dude.. that's about it

That is a problem with her . . . 

You need to think long & hard about whether you want to continue this relationship / marry her.   Perhaps get some pre-marital counseling.  It might help you see things more clearly 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Treyou916 said:

Right? If I befriended a woman in a serious relationship I wouldn't mind nor be worried about meeting the guy because I have no intentions with his fiancé or wife whatever! And if he's not comfortable with her sleeping over at ny place it's no big deal, she doesn't need to sleep over, she can get a taxi or whatever, go to a hotel.. idk 

 

I just feel like it's gotten out of hand.. how fast everything went downhill just because I was worried.. 

I feel for you in this situation.

But I am afraid she is dating in plain sight.

She is going to do what she wants as long as you keep taking her back. She may care somewhere in there but not enough to stop her from doing what she is doing.

I think you need to sit back and think about what you want for your life. Is this what you see for yourself down the line? Is this the type of role model you want for your children?

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Treyou916 said:

don't need to worry he's gonna make a move, she's in a happy relationship in his head right?

Uh, no, wrong. Have you even met other men before? 

2 hours ago, Treyou916 said:

I just feel like it's gotten out of hand.. how fast everything went downhill just because I was worried..

Do ya think?! 

It didn't go downhill because you're worried. It went downhill because your girlfriend is pretty openly shopping for your replacement. You need to wake up, man. 

[catfeeder]

If you caught her planning your breakup with the guy, then what’s left to trust?

[Morello]

Come on man... really?

She's showing you nothing but disrespect. She almost surely is (or intends to) cheating on you with that guy. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you're blind to this. She's taking you for a cuckold, and you seem fine with it?

[Treyou916]

Update! So t things are still ***ty.. but getting better, she found a new friend (that's a woman) that she met at one of my friends wedding (her boyfriend is my old neighbor 😅)  and has been talking alot less to "the guy" I've slightly chatted with him and he dosent seem to have any intent to sleep with my fiancé but I'm still gonna keep an eye on him! She let's me read the convo when I feel it's fishy and nothing gets deleted so I respect that! I don't go though her phone as a sign of that respect. 

She doesn't intend to sleep at his house anymore because I think she just gave up and realized that it ain't happening while being in a relationship with me! And she dosent know if she's going to the concert anymore but If she decides to go I will be picking her up after! 

She also agreed to therapy which I think will help alot with communication and trust and she seems to understand she was in the wrong i can see she's  trying to make up for it! 

[lostandhurt]

This is really bad, I mean really bad.

Go back and read what you wrote.

She was chatting up a storm with a guy she met on a dating app.

She refuses to introduce you to him

She plans a sleep over at his house.

She lies to you over and over again.

  Dude seriously???  She has shown zero respect to you, the relationship and the family.  If you have to police your girl and tell her what is okay and not okay in this context it is over.  

Cheaters lie

When caught they lie some more to convince you that they can be trusted but are just more careful from then on.  Their cheating partners will lie to you, them or anyone else so they can bang your woman.  That guy will smile and shake you hand 20 minutes after banging your woman in his car. Don't trust either of them.

 I hope it is couples therapy otherwise she will just spin a tale of how horrible you are and how she is a victim.

Lost