MrsWise Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 I was seeing a co worker for few months and I ended it. He made it clear that he still wanted to see me and told me that if I change my mind to let him know. Even though I liked him, I didn't see myself with him long term. He started showing interest again after months then he randomly send me two pics he took of me when we were seeing each other and how nostalgic she was feeling. I didn't respond to these texts but acted nice as usual at work with him at work. I continued being friendly towards him, then few weeks later he started texting asking how my night was and tried to keep the conversation going but I gave one word answers to not encourage the conversation. Then he came out and asked me to meet and possibly hook up gain. I didn't respond to his last texts but made sure to be still nice to him at work. He was friendly back the first week after that but now he pulled back. He is still polite but I can tell he doesn't go out of way to talk to me anymore.. Is he offended that I didn't respond to his text Should I have told him straight up that I had no interest reconnecting outside work instead of ignoring him ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 30 minutes ago, MrsWise said: He is still polite but I can tell he doesn't go out of way to talk to me anymore Translation "he doesnt give me attention as before". What did you expect? That you can ignore his texts and that he would still give you the same amount of attention as when he tried to get together with you? Be lucky that he is even polite and talks to you. Because you werent polite to him at all with ignoring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 Ignoring was the perfect answer. The fact that it wasn’t the answer he wanted is not your problem. You are kind to him in your professional setting, and that’s all that’s required of you. If you’re let down that he’s no longer enlivened after his own let down, then you’re heading into game playing territory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 7 Share Posted July 7 Honesty is the best policy. Direct communication is the best course of action. That's simply showing the other person respect and courtesy. If roles were reversed, how would you feel? If it was someone you had feelings for or someone you wanted to spend time, would you want to be ignored? Don't you think it would hurt at least a little that this person who once was close with you suddenly seemed to want nothing to do with you? Doen't it make sense that he would pull back after what has to feel like a stinging rejection? You say you do like him, just not as a long term relationship. So why the need to ignore him? Why not just be friends who occassionally do something fun together? It's entirely possible. Be honest. Make clear there isn't anything beyond friendship. If he starts asking for more, just repeat that it's not happening now. If you don't want to see someone outside work, you should tell them directly, in person. Ignoring a person just makes the other person feel worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 He got the hint and is keeping his distance. Isn't that what you wanted? Or did you like that he was a Break Glass In Case of Loneliness guy always hanging around? Be polite at work and totally business treating him exactly like you treat other coworkers and it will be fine. Lost 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 Why did you ignore him and not tell him that you were not interested in reconnecting outside of work? I think you should have been honest with him and let him know that you appreciated his interest, but you did not see a future or long-term potential with him. Ignoring him may have hurt his feelings and made him feel rejected without an explanation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 Why does it matter if he was offended or not? You told him you were done, and he didn't seem to take it seriously so kept on trying. His choice. There was an inherent risk he wanted to take. It's not "mean" to stop engaging with a person you used to be involved with, though it can be very awkward and someone probably is left feeling less than grand. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 20 minutes ago, Jaunty said: Why does it matter if he was offended or not? You told him you were done, and he didn't seem to take it seriously so kept on trying. His choice. There was an inherent risk he wanted to take. It's not "mean" to stop engaging with a person you used to be involved with, though it can be very awkward and someone probably is left feeling less than grand. Exactly. No reply IS a message. Just as nobody’s obligated to answer a phone call, nobody is obligated to answer a text. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wonderstruck Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 6 hours ago, catfeeder said: Ignoring was the perfect answer. The fact that it wasn’t the answer he wanted is not your problem. This. 25 minutes ago, Jaunty said: Why does it matter if he was offended or not? You told him you were done, and he didn't seem to take it seriously so kept on trying. And this. 3 minutes ago, catfeeder said: Exactly. No reply IS a message. Just as nobody’s obligated to answer a phone call, nobody is obligated to answer a text. And definitely this. He CHOSE to be a pushy creep, who refused to take "No" for an answer. You HAD to ignore him, just to get him to back off. You don't owe him anything, and I would strongly recommend that you BLOCK him on all modes of communication, and stay away from him at work. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 38 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said: He CHOSE to be a pushy creep, who refused to take "No" for an answer. You HAD to ignore him, just to get him to back off. Wouldn't that depend on HOW he was asking? If he is trying to pressure her into being in a relationship again or force a situation, then yes it's creepy. But it's just as possible he was reaching out to someone he missed being around and was wanting to hang out as friends. He said he was feeling nostalgic. Maybe something happened to him and he felt lonely and vulnerable? I would hope no one would see that as being a pushy creep. And you never have to ignore a person. Ignoring a person is a choice. You could also choose to talk to them and explain yourself in a clear manner. Talking to someone is not an obligation, it's just respectful. It's doing onto others as you would like done to you. I've been ignored. I'm sure we all have. I doubt any of us thought the person that was ignoring us was completely within their rights and were doing the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 1 hour ago, ShySoul said: And you never have to ignore a person. Ignoring a person is a choice. You could also choose to talk to them and explain yourself in a clear manner. I disagree. Well, you certainly do not HAVE to ignore a person, but if you tell someone that a relationship / fling or whatever is over, you also do not HAVE to explain yourself to them when they try to get back in contact months later. This is an important lesson to learn: NO is an acceptable response to all kinds of things and you do not have to provide an "acceptable" or clear explanation as to why, in many cases. It works the other way as well. So many people on these boards are very wrapped up in "WHY" another person did or said this or that. Especially WHY they left. That is so understandable. We have all been there. But the thing is, "I don't want to carry on with this any further" is a good enough reason for someone to leave. If we are on the receiving end of it, we do not need to insist on an explanation that seems acceptable to us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 34 minutes ago, Jaunty said: I disagree. Well, you certainly do not HAVE to ignore a person, isn't that what I said? Ultimately no one HAS to do anything. There is any number of ways people can react. What I'm driving at is that some ones are more thoughtful and considerate then others. There is a huge difference between the following: A. I think you are a great person and a good friend. I've enjoyed our time together. Unfortunately, I don't see this working out as a longterm relationship. B. I don't think we should be in contact again outside of work. C. Get lost. I never want to see you again. We don't know eactly what he was told or how he was told it. We don't know what his reaction was or why he chose to contact her again. Depending on what was said, there may be an innocent explanation. So clarifying could have helped. And it would have done so in a much more compassionate manner that is less likely to leave hurt feelings. No one wants to feel rejected. So why do it in manner that is likely to sting the most? I, for one, know just how depressing and miserable it feels when someone suddenly starts ignoring you when you thought everything was okay. 34 minutes ago, Jaunty said: I don't want to carry on with this any further" is a good enough reason for someone to leave. If we are on the receiving end of it, we do not need to insist on an explanation that seems acceptable to us. It really isn't about the why. That's what people ask because there aren't really the words to express all the things they are feeling. There are so many thougts and questions going on inside you that it gets wrapped up in that one word question. Why? Whar people really want is to figure out a way to cope and process what has happened. They want to make sense of all the conflicted emotions. And that is always easier when you have something concrete to point to. They want the easy answer of pointing to exhibit A and saying that was the cause, even if the cause is a multi-level maze of actions, feelings, and events that can't be so simplified. Yes, you do not NEED an explanation, but it sure helps. What I think more people should see is that the explanation doesn't always have to come from the other person. That person may not even understand their actions themself and be incapable of giving an explanation. If people really looked at a situation, setting aside personal bias, the answers are usual pretty clear. People are predicable and understandable. We just need to learn to look within ourselves for the explanations we seek and learn to trust ourselves better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 You could have told him "no" again, but ignoring sent the message. What exactly is the issue? He got the hint and stopped reaching out. Problem solved, no? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 1 hour ago, Jaunty said: Well, you certainly do not HAVE to ignore a person, but if you tell someone that a relationship / fling or whatever is over, you also do not HAVE to explain yourself to them when they try to get back in contact months later. Trouble is that ignoring also sends a certain tone with it. For example, the kind of tone that wouldnt make him want to talk to her again in a way he did before. And that is the issue OP has. She wanted the same amount of attention, but to also ignore the man and not answer his messages. Which is a fine as a response, she is allowed to do that. But then dont expect to get treated the same by other side when they get your answer or shall we say the lack of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 5 hours ago, ShySoul said: . I think you are a great person and a good friend. I've enjoyed our time together. Unfortunately, I don't see this working out as a longterm relationship. But that likely isn't true here. She doesn't think he's a great person -she ended the dating and now he's being pushy. Not so great. None of his business if she ended it because he's not long term material- maybe he's not even short term material and it's awkward to tell a coworker that level of information anyway -way too personal. She may or may not have enjoyed the time together. I'm not a fan of choosing that over ignoring and I hated getting those sorts of overblown messages from men who didn't want to see me again after a couple of dates. I didn't need all that sugary sweet buttering up. Ick. I will choose ignore when someone is pushy and doesn't get the message. I will choose it for a variety of reasons including safety. One of my friends made a new friend who has a podcast. She is a "life coach". She wanted me to listen to the podcast badly. I saw it was only 11 minutes (which I do not prefer as my cleaning tasks are very often longer and I don't like to touch my phone when cleaning). But I did it. I barely made it through. It was drivel. So I told my friend I listened and diplomatically said that the host seemed very enthusiastic about her podcast, seemed like a warm and friendly person, and I surely hoped she succeeeded with her new podcast AND that it wasn't the right fit for me. I also told her I wouldn't be sharing my personal opinions of it since they are friends and it's irrelevant anyway what one person thinks. This was not good enough for my friend. She continued to ask if I had listened to the most recent podcast. Told me how good it was. (I'd already unfollowed it). Continued to try to get me to share "why" I declined(rejected) the podcast. I vaguely referenced the "not a good fit" but my plan is to ignore any further questions. I will change the topic or repeat something like "glad you are enjoying it" "glad she is a good new friend" but no I don't have to explain myself to her -again. Just like the OP ended things - which means -it's over, sayonara and if the OP wanted a friendship she would have said so as the ender person. And if that wasn't clear then this pushy person should get the hint that -if someone doesn't respond to you they probably don't want to develop or resume a friendship. Common sense and ignoring I think is the best choice in this particular situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 I tend to want to reply civilly to someone when I am uninterested but I think I change my initial opinion here in that you didn't respond initially so that should have been enough to deter him from continuing to text you. I sometimes feel bad when ignoring someone but unanswered texts after the first time should have been a hint to him to stop pursuing you. Continuing to give him one-worded responses or ignoring him after that was appropriate. Especially crude messages asking if you want to hook up again... I don't think you should worry too much about it. Focus on your job and don't feel guilty for not responding to his advance. You were clear in your initial decision to end things with him and you have the right to stick to it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 1 hour ago, yogacat said: I tend to want to reply civilly to someone when I am uninterested but I think I change my initial opinion here in that you didn't respond initially so that should have been enough to deter him from continuing to text you. I sometimes feel bad when ignoring someone but unanswered texts after the first time should have been a hint to him to stop pursuing you. Continuing to give him one-worded responses or ignoring him after that was appropriate. Especially crude messages asking if you want to hook up again... I don't think you should worry too much about it. Focus on your job and don't feel guilty for not responding to his advance. You were clear in your initial decision to end things with him and you have the right to stick to it. I saw it as - she ended it. So - he shouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t respond to future texts 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 Breaking off dating is difficult for both people, but it only needs to happen once. If the other returns to ask for a different answer a second time, then that’s on them. Silence means that the answer still stands. Expecting anything different is the only part of the equation that is rude. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 19 hours ago, MrsWise said: Should I have told him straight up that I had no interest reconnecting outside work instead of ignoring him ? When somebody doesn't get the hint that by ignoring their texts you want nothing to do with them, sometimes you have to be blunt. Because you tried to remain civil at work I think you took the high road. The problem lies with him. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 20 hours ago, MrsWise said: he came out and asked me to meet and possibly hook up gain. I didn't respond to his last texts Eww, what a jerk. You owe him nothing. You are already broken up. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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