Help on how to navigate and be a better partner (31 M) for my GF (32 G)

[DudeSeekingAdvice]

To give a bit of context, I've been with my partner in a long distance relationship with periods of long time living together. I love her to bits, and I would do anything for her...

Problem is that we both had very difficult childhoods. In her case also, I was also her first relationship, while I came from a very bad previous one.

 

When we started we had a good enough first phase of kisses and some intimate time. Not a lot, but we didn't really saw each other a lot, so it was normal.

 

Since that first period (something like a year.) We haven't had any type of intimate contact, and it has come to not even have contact of any kind at all, and loving gestures are practically non existant. It all has been a long "I don't feel confortable with X" (okay, we don't do X) "I feel bad when Y" (sure, let's not do Y)... and so on and so forth, for the last three years really.

 

She is dismissive avoidant, so this is a little bit expected... and knowing I also had trauma, I did my fair share of therapy on the side. I've worked in being self sufficient while getting out of some big health issues, both mental and physical, and finishing my education (which is a difficult degree). I've focused myself on personal and couple projects, and in a lot of other areas in my life, I'm feeling more and more fulfilled, and she supported me. She was there through it all.

 

She has struggled with therapy though... she tried two that didn't really convinced her much, with long streaks of not seeing anybody, and know has started with a therapist that is specialized in relational aspects and trauma, which I know personally that is a great therapist.

 

I know this is the best way, and that while this might help her, it might not be something that change the relationship. I know that her working through her trauma might not signify a change, but she is funny, intelligent, kind and compassionate, with a lot of empathy and creativity. She is an amazing human being, and even knowing it might not work, I want to hold the space for her and support her. If things don't work ... well, at least I tried.

 

Problem is, I've been feeling worse and worse within the relationship through the years. I feel rejected, sad, hurt, frustrated... and while I have taken this as the so to speak "last chance" I'm feeling myself growing colder and colder, and I don't want to be like that. I still try to be my most loving and support her in everything, but it's starting to be difficult not pulling away...

 

I know this might not work, but I would still love to be for her in this path, even if we end up as friends, or if things go well, as a couple with a more stereotypical loving style.

While I resent the lack of needs met, I don't resent her. She is amazing and I love her to bits.

 

What would you guys do to work through these bad feelings? I don't want to bring them up because she already has a lot on her plate, with therapy and a whole lot of other issues at work and in life in general, and I know it's unfair to blame it on her when I was the one that choosed to stay nor I want to put pressure on her so she feels she needs to change (doubt she would be doing therapy if she wasn't aware, and it's a talked topic in the relationship.)

 

What do you guys think? Is there any way I could help her better?

[Andrina]

She survived with her emotional baggage before she met you and she will continue with her path of working on improving herself without you. You can't stay friends without sabotaging a new beginning with a new love interest. 

Many people who seek out LDRs can't handle the reality of a local relationship because of psychological issues like you two have. Now that you're mentally healthier, the relationship no longer works for you and your needs aren't being met. It's in your best interest to break up and go no contact. That's not an unethical nor unkind thing to do. Free her and yourself to move on to the next chapters of your lives. You're acting like she's some shrinking violet who will wilt away without your presence. That's insulting. Once you gain closure and no longer think of her on a daily basis, try dating locally. No more relying on the barrier of a computer screen and distance. You've evolved.

[MissCanuck]

You have done all you can do. 

She isn't able to handle or offer the sort of intimacy you seek. You know what you need to do, with kindess and respect. Set yourself free. 

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter who has worse issues, or she struggles etc....when a relationship has run it's course, expectations are not being fulfilled, no real future, stability or happiness, then it's time to end it. It's tough, but it will the best solution for both of you.

[ShySoul]

On 7/5/2024 at 7:20 PM, DudeSeekingAdvice said:

I want to hold the space for her and support her. If things don't work ... well, at least I tried.

That is what you should be doing and, really, all you can do. You try. You keep a space in your heart for her and show her love and support. You care about them and help them when they need you. You listen to them and do your best to relate and understand what they are going through. In other words, you be their friend.

That doesn't have to be in a romantic relationship though. If you need to not be a couple and not have that extra layer/tension, then do what is best for you. You sound like a caring person who wants the best for her. And I'm sure she would want the best for you. Love is wanting the best for the other, even if it's not with you. This is a prime candidate for an amicable breakup where the parties are still able to be there and support each other. And there is no telling what could happen in the future. 

 

[TeeDee]

You are her LDR BF not her therapist.  You can't do anything to make her better.  Only she can do that.   The fact that there is distance in here makes it all that much harder for you to do more than you already are.  

You sound like you are growing & healing.  

You now are starting to recognize that your needs are not being met in this "relationship."  It's nice that you "love her to bits" but what about how she treats you & what you need?  A healthy relationship requires that both partners strive to fulfill the other's needs.  

[catfeeder]

It’s unfortunate when people confuse dating with mating for life. Dating is a time of evaluating whether someone would make a good match to enhance your life. It’s not a time to throw away your life in order to cater to someone. That’s a trap of one’s own making. It doesn’t require permission from anyone else to break free of it, you already hold the key.