Mixed feelings about my dad

[quark]

I've been running around for my dad a lot lately as he has been having some health issues (in and out of hospital, extreme back pain).  I'm doing it because it feels like the right thing to do.  My parents separated in 1994 and he kept contact for a little bit but then faded out of my life.  Years and years went by including a lot of emotions.   At first I didn't care,  then I washed to reconnect but was unable to locate him,  then I saw him one day at a local fair about 6 years ago.   If my friend hadn't have insisted I say hello, we would probably still be no contact.

I have rushed over to his place to bring him to the hospital twice now and then he makes me wait to get going.  I'm talking an hour or more.  He says he needs to rest first.   I just think it's incredibly inconsiderate.  But at the same time,  if I say no to helping him,  am I a bad person?   I'm the closest to where he lives.   He has a brother about an hour away and a weird girlfriend situation- she lives in another state.   I just have so many mixed feelings.   Just looking to vent. 

[Batya33]

I would use I statements and be calm "Dad I am sorry you are in such pain.  I will do my utmost to make myself available to drive you to the hospital or your doctor and if you're not ready to go when I get there I will be able to wait __ amount of time and  then I will have to go  - I will be happy to call you a car service or a rideshare service or an ambulance.  I'm not able to wait for an hour because of my work and responsibilities.  

I'm sorry you are in this frustrating situation.

[shouldhavelearned]

Do what you can. It might totally suck right now. The problem is, on day he won't be here.

 

Try and rebuild the relationship and make the best of it.

[ShySoul]

My relationship with my father was a mixed back right up until his passing. For several years I was the only one there and had to watch over and take care of him. There was a lot of hurt over things that he did. And his health had been in decline for many years. I know how tiring and fustrating it can be.

Even with the mixed feelings though, you still only have one father. Family comes first. If he needs you, and you are there, then you should help. You could lose him at anytime, especially if his health isn't good. Believe me, you don't want to have that happen and still have so much left unsaid. Try to work with him. Tell him you are fine to help him out, but that you need him to help as well. You're time is valuable, so he should be ready when you get there.

Still, you are not a bad person for saying no at times. You can't do everything yourself. Do what you can, but also realize that you have to take care of yourself. If it becomes to much of a burden or is starting to hurt you, then it's fine to step back a little. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Are there appointments with the hospital?  Let your dad be late if there are appointments.  He will learn quickly after he's turned away and forced to make a new appointment due to his tardiness. 

If he's habitually late,  don't arrive at his house early.  Give yourself an extra 30 minutes because you know he's always late.  You won't have to wait as long if you don't arrive as early. 

Or, simply decline.  Tell him that you'd gladly provide his transportation if he doesn't make you wait an hour and if he isn't late getting ready.  Since his track record isn't good,  he's a grown adult and can make his own transportation arrangements.  Perhaps he can ask his neighbors or friends for help.

No matter who it is,  consideration is a two way street.  If there's no respectful cooperation,  you're under no obligation to do anything for anyone regardless of who it is;  family or no family. 

[DudeSeekingAdvice]

I think it depends a lot on how you are navigating the rest of the relationship. My family also divorced, like in 2009 and my father put the blame of it on me. All my family cut me off for years. 

I've come to realize I don't have the mental strenght sometimes to really dedicate time to him, but I still, deep down, love him. He is a lot in a lot of senses (he was pretty abusive even if he has mellowed out with the years, and he is a very tiring and dogmatic person.) But I guess I try to balance as best as possible. 

Sometimes is okay to put the bad feelings on the balance and choose how to properly process and work with them. He is being inconsiderate here, but so he was for a lot of years. 

Is the problem now that he takes an hour or that plus all the baggage? Because when my father is tiring, the problem is not just the half an hour he is going on a tirade for me, but all that his way of being triggers.

[rainbowsandroses]

I can say from experience (with my late mom who was abusive to me while growing up) try to be there for your dad as much as you can.

You may not feel like it, heck you may not even feel love for him, BUT if you're not there for him now when he needs you, after he passes, you might not experience these feelings right away but in time, you will regret not being there as much as you could have been, it will tear you up, may even cause a depression, and you will have to live and somehow manage such feelings for the rest of your life. 

Think of HIM.  Put yourself in his shoes and what he's experiencing.  The fear, the pain, the loneliness. 

Find the strength.  You will be happy you did. 

I didn't and like I said, I have to live with that for the rest of my life. 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

It might be worth it to do as much as you can while your father is alive.  After he passes away,  it will ease your conscience later. 

[Kwothe28]

22 hours ago, quark said:

But at the same time,  if I say no to helping him,  am I a bad person? 

Yes? He was a bad dad, and that goes on his burden. But if you dont help him, that would go on your burden. Morality is a code of conduct. Something we adopt from society and behave based on its rules. If you believe that not helping him would make you a bad person, than yes, that is exactly how it would be. We dont get to switch our code of conduct just because we dont like the person. Otherwise, we become hypocrits who believe in one and do the other. So yes, you should help somebody who could literally die without your assistance. Even though he didnt deserve it.

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Are there appointments with the hospital?  Let your dad be late if there are appointments.  He will learn quickly after he's turned away and forced to make a new appointment due to his tardiness. 

If he's habitually late,  don't arrive at his house early.  Give yourself an extra 30 minutes because you know he's always late.  You won't have to wait as long if you don't arrive as early. 

Or, simply decline.  Tell him that you'd gladly provide his transportation if he doesn't make you wait an hour and if he isn't late getting ready.  Since his track record isn't good,  he's a grown adult and can make his own transportation arrangements.  Perhaps he can ask his neighbors or friends for help.

No matter who it is,  consideration is a two way street.  If there's no respectful cooperation,  you're under no obligation to do anything for anyone regardless of who it is;  family or no family. 

Yes and you can offer to help in other ways -maybe he needs help with shopping, other errands, picking up meds, etc.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Even though he didnt deserve it.

What I tell myself now which I think is true about my late mom - she did the best she could with the tools she was taught.  

She loved me, that was the important thing.

And even though for YEARS I didn't think I loved her, of course I did, very much!

She was my mom.  May she RIP.

[quark]

23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would use I statements and be calm "Dad I am sorry you are in such pain.  I will do my utmost to make myself available to drive you to the hospital or your doctor and if you're not ready to go when I get there I will be able to wait __ amount of time and  then I will have to go  - I will be happy to call you a car service or a rideshare service or an ambulance.  I'm not able to wait for an hour because of my work and responsibilities.  

I'm sorry you are in this frustrating situation.

You are absolutely right.   Most of my problems in life could be solved with clear and firm communication.  Unfortunately, easier said than done sometimes.   I will just have to work on setting my boundaries.

 

 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, quark said:

You are absolutely right.   Most of my problems in life could be solved with clear and firm communication.  Unfortunately, easier said than done sometimes.   I will just have to work on setting my boundaries.

 

 

Try to limit the "work" because No is a two letter word.

[quark]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I can say from experience (with my late mom who was abusive to me while growing up) try to be there for your dad as much as you can.

You may not feel like it, heck you may not even feel love for him, BUT if you're not there for him now when he needs you, after he passes, you might not experience these feelings right away but in time, you will regret not being there as much as you could have been, it will tear you up, may even cause a depression, and you will have to live and somehow manage such feelings for the rest of your life. 

Think of HIM.  Put yourself in his shoes and what he's experiencing.  The fear, the pain, the loneliness. 

Find the strength.  You will be happy you did. 

I didn't and like I said, I have to live with that for the rest of my life. 

 

 

That's why I am helping instead of leaving him out in the cold  but I am feeling bitter that his brother is not more involved and his stupid girlfriend still lives 4 states away.  It's very frustrating being around him because he constantly brings up my mom and has a small pity party for himself.   (That's his MO, always the victim)   Not to mention his place is absolutely disgusting and it's annoying trying to step over all the junk to fetch him what he needs.   I start to feel like I should do a deep clean,  but I know better because he will just much it right back up.   My brother was living with him and before he took off,  he mentioned to me how frustrated he was trying to keep the place clean living with him.   I don't know where he is now.   He would literally rather be homeless than live with my dad.  

I kind have no familial feelings toward him,  he was never in my life much even when my parents were together.   Either or on the road truck driving or getting drunk with his buddies.   There are no fond father/daughter memories. 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What I tell myself now which I think is true about my late mom - she did the best she could with the tools she was taught.  

She loved me, that was the important thing.

What I've learned is that people love in the ways they know how to love. Sometimes that love doesn't match to the way need to receive love from others. 

My father loved me but only knew how to express it in his way. Unfortunately we were very different people and his version of love wasn't what I needed from him. I couldn't change him. So my choice was either carry the hurt and anger with me or recognize him for the person he is and make the best of the situation we had. 

2 minutes ago, quark said:

That's why I am helping instead of leaving him out in the cold  but I am feeling bitter that his brother is not more involved and his stupid girlfriend still lives 4 states away.  It's very frustrating being around him because he constantly brings up my mom and has a small pity party for himself. 

It's not pleasant to feel like it all falls to you. I got upset a lot that everyone else just left. My father also had the habit of wanting others to feel sorry for him and blame my mother. 

You aren't going to change him. You can't make these other people do their share. Just do the essential things and don't worry about the rest. Try to keep the conversations light and aways from self pity. You're doing a noble thing in helping him and in the long run it will be worth it. Just remember to take care of yourself in the process.