Bf moved to usa ?

[MariaMagdalena]

18 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I answered you already on that.

 

Why are you sticking around such a man? He doesn't sound like a catch at all, yet you're obsessed.

Would this be your first break up?

Yes this is my first breakup 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, MariaMagdalena said:

Yes this is my first breakup 

I can see that.

You've not done it before. Maybe you think he needs to be absolutely horrible to break up with him, or you feel you don't have enough courage or confidence to pull the plug? Are you afraid of being single? Do you feel desperate for his approval?

Just reflect on those questions and see if anything comes up to you.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, MariaMagdalena said:

I don't understand why he couldn't say he wanted to break up instead of deliberately going away and creating distance.

Because, it might not be worth it to him to break up right now. Perhaps he sees this move to the U.S. as a natural way for the relationship to eventually run its course . Or, perhaps, he doesn't want to necessarily break up but nor does he mind if the relationship ends. Someone doesn't have to explicitly wish to break up  to not particularly care about the relationship. Both things can be true at the same time. If a relationship is convenient, comfortable, kills time, or is simply nice for what it is until it isn't, then sometimes people don't mind being in something.

In the end, none of what came before now matters - what you have to work with is what is in front of you. And, what is in front of you is a man who has definitively decided he wants to pursue a 6-year PhD in the U.S. whilst you pursue a 3-4-year PhD in the U.K. In addition, PhD programs don't just let you travel willy nilly whenever and wherever you please without justifying the travel expense and time away from research. True, the UK is not particularly far from NYC by plane, but it would not really be a sustainable relationship with the limited opportunities you'd have to visit each other over such an extended period of time unless you were in a committed, loving relationship, which you aren't. Furthermore, the other thing that is in front of you is a man who is already expressing interest in and intention to spend time with other women in their private rooms, which is a significant violated to most healthy relationship boundaries. He has emotionally checked out of the relationship and moving on, but is happy to maintain his current relationship with you whilst you are physically in the same location because...why not? He doesn't hate you or not like you, so, why not? 

It doesn't matter why he hasn't done this or done that at this point. What matters is you and he are on completely different trajectories that are shooting you in opposite directions. You're not compatible either, as you have different lifestyles (e.g. the cat situation - which he didn't even see you as equal enough to discuss the situation and compromise before simply telling you what he will and won't allow). You also downplay his goals and the reality of what it means to be very particular about choosing the right educational programs for one's self. Again, incompatible. I know it's hard to accept, but you need to let it go in a caring and kind way with each other. Appreciate the relationship and let each other go.  

[MariaMagdalena]

6 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Because, it might not be worth it to him to break up right now. Perhaps he sees this move to the U.S. as a natural way for the relationship to eventually run its course . Or, perhaps, he doesn't want to necessarily break up but nor does he mind if the relationship ends. Someone doesn't have to explicitly wish to break up  to not particularly care about the relationship. Both things can be true at the same time. If a relationship is convenient, comfortable, kills time, or is simply nice for what it is until it isn't, then sometimes people don't mind being in something.

In the end, none of what came before now matters - what you have to work with is what is in front of you. And, what is in front of you is a man who has definitively decided he wants to pursue a 6-year PhD in the U.S. whilst you pursue a 3-4-year PhD in the U.K. In addition, PhD programs don't just let you travel willy nilly whenever and wherever you please without justifying the travel expense and time away from research. True, the UK is not particularly far from NYC by plane, but it would not really be a sustainable relationship with the limited opportunities you'd have to visit each other over such an extended period of time unless you were in a committed, loving relationship, which you aren't. Furthermore, the other thing that is in front of you is a man who is already expressing interest in and intention to spend time with other women in their private rooms, which is a significant violated to most healthy relationship boundaries. He has emotionally checked out of the relationship and moving on, but is happy to maintain his current relationship with you whilst you are physically in the same location because...why not? He doesn't hate you or not like you, so, why not? 

It doesn't matter why he hasn't done this or done that at this point. What matters is you and he are on completely different trajectories that are shooting you in opposite directions. You're not compatible either, as you have different lifestyles (e.g. the cat situation - which he didn't even see you as equal enough to discuss the situation and compromise before simply telling you what he will and won't allow). You also downplay his goals and the reality of what it means to be very particular about choosing the right educational programs for one's self. Again, incompatible. I know it's hard to accept, but you need to let it go in a caring and kind way with each other. Appreciate the relationship and let each other go.  

my bf doesn't want to teach during his MPhil years and is more involved in Palestine protest and worker, labour rights protests and he spends a lot of time doing that when not studying. So he didn't need to go to the US to do these things 

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, MariaMagdalena said:

They are the same as in the US you won't miraculously find Stephen hawking type of professors as supervisors. They are longer and yes they do have teaching opportunities early on but my bf doesn't want to teach and is more involved in Palestine protest and worker, labour rights protests and he spends a lot of time doing that when not studying. So he didn't need to go to the US to do these things 

For perspective, Maria, I went to Cambridge where there ARE Stephen Hawking type professors and supervisors - in actual fact, Stephen was a Cambridge Fellow, and many other well known and well published researchers supervise there. I had one such supervisor who is very very well known in our field. I had all the best opportunities, the best professors, and the list goes on.

I vehemently WISH I had not attended Cambridge and instead chosen a much lesser known university with "average", every day supervisors that actually cared about my education. Those supervisors are worth their weight in gold and most have not heard much about them. You choose a supervisor who serves your interests the best and whose research interests align with yours. I am glad he has chosen what is best for him instead of what the world sees as the best. I suspect once you begin your PhD you will understand what I am talking about, especially if you end up with a terrible supervisor. Again, I am glad he has chosen what is best for himself in terms of education and it really doesn't pay to judge how good a program is based on the prestige of the university or supervisor. I had both and it was the worst decision of my life. So, don't necessarily look down on the "lesser" universities because many of them have incredible lecturers.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, MariaMagdalena said:

So he didn't need to go to the US to do these things 

The problem with this is, you are the one determining in his life what qualifies as necessary and what doesn't, but it isn't your life. You both may have very different ideas of what "need" means. His "need" might not be related to the program itself, but to something entirely different. He obviously does need to go to the U.S. because he had determined that that is where he wishes to be and has been clear about that for a long time. It wouldn't matter if what caused his need was something as simple as seeing Central Park every day. It might not be significant to you, but whatever it was that gave him this unwavering desire to do his PhD there was strong enough for him to make it a reality. You don't get to decide what qualifies as necessary and what doesn't when it isn't your life. His need might not be a case of life or death and it may not impact his progress as an academic, but it may be wrapped up in his progress as a person and his overall happiness. There was obviously an important reason he chose to do his studies there. So important that he is willing to leave everything behind, including his relationship with you, to go there. 

Anyways, I wish you all the best luck moving forward, Maria, in whichever direction your life leads you. Sit with yourself a good, long while and really consider what serves your best interests and what doesn't. Don't cling onto what isn't good for you simply because you're scared not to have it. Sometimes making the right choice means doing the hardest thing. When you care about someone and want for them what makes them happiest, you have to acknowledge that you have to let them go if what makes them happiest means not being with you. That includes letting go of someone you care about if it is also what is best for you and your long-term happiness.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, MariaMagdalena said:

I told him to choose a UK school and he did his Bachelors here at a school that was a specialist in his field. But he still choose to go to NY.

Good for him for not doing what he was told and doing what was best for him.  Many years ago - like over 30 years ago I was applying to grad schools and I lived in NY as did my bf who was in grad school in NY and he said respectfully- I know you might want to apply to (one school out of state -hundreds of miles away) - but I hope you stay in NY! That's appropriate.  We weren't married and he knew this program was my dream (he was in the same one) and there was no way he wanted to at all pressure me to stay.  I knew for sure I'd go to the best school I got into as that was very important for  this degree.  And I did.  

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MariaMagdalena said:

He was also befriending multiple girls at the NY school and was even going to meet them jn their dorm rooms , take photos with them and publish them on facebook.

Oh ok this is much more important than anything else you have written. He is hoping you end it.  He is not acting consistently with being in a romantic relationship.  I have a grad degree not a PhD but I would have known this with less than a high school degree. 

In about 1952 my dad left my mom to pursue a medical degree 400 miles away. Might as well have been 4000.  They spoke once a week, saw each other once a month.  They were engaged to be married. In 1956 a month after my mom finished college and he'd finished his medical degree he returned to NY and they got married.  I guess the long distance thing worked out as they were married 62 years until he died.

My father never ever would have spoken of other women he was meeting (honestly I don't know if women were his classmates but he was in a major city and so so handsome!) and my mom was loyal and faithful too.  My parents had zero tension over my father's decision -his -it was simple- they loved each other and had been together almost 2 years at that point and they made it work, the end. 

I followed my husband for his career and moved 800 miles away from NY where I'd been 43 years straight.  As a newlywed, newly unemployed, new momma at age 43.  Because we loved each other and were committed to each other.  I was committed to the promise I'd made years earlier -that I would be willing to relocate for his career -more than once.  

(Also Lotus Black we went to Cambridge for the first time last year -my husband had been there before, first time for our son and me - and had a great time and were in awe of all the history and historical buildings!)

[smackie9]

You don't wait around for him to make a decision. You see what has happened, you found out you are second choice, etc...it's up to you to make the right decision for you. It's not working out, this relationship has fallen flat....time to move on. I get it, we always ponder what if, if I did this, why did he do this and the typical question "did he even care about me or love me?" None of that matters now. Getting on with your life without him is where your energy is best spent.

[TeeDee]

On 7/5/2024 at 10:45 PM, MariaMagdalena said:

PhDs are already very difficult. Do you actually think our relationship will stand the test of time with 2 people living in 2 different continents?

It is possible if that is what the two people want.  People survive LDRs all the time.  People in the military survive deployments.  If you both want this to work it will but it will also take effort & sacrifice.  

 

On 7/6/2024 at 3:17 AM, MariaMagdalena said:

He basically made me feel like I'm second best and he did make me feel that way 

So if that is how you feel end things.  Why stay with somebody who does this to you? 

 

On 7/6/2024 at 3:20 AM, MariaMagdalena said:

He was also befriending multiple girls at the NY school and was even going to meet them jn their dorm rooms , take photos with them and publish them on facebook.

That sounds like he is not willing to put in the work to make an LDR work. 

He's ready to start the next chapter in his life but isn't man enough to tell you that 

 

On 7/6/2024 at 4:28 AM, MariaMagdalena said:

 So he didn't need to go to the US to do these things 

Perhaps he wanted to go to the US to do something else. 

 

On 7/6/2024 at 5:01 AM, MariaMagdalena said:

Yes this is my first breakup 

Alas it won't be your last.  Break ups suck.  They are painful. They cause us to doubt but you will heal.  You will move forward to love again. 

Hang in there. 

[ShySoul]

On 7/6/2024 at 1:31 AM, MariaMagdalena said:

I don't understand why he couldn't say he wanted to break up instead of deliberately going away and creating distance.

On 7/6/2024 at 12:17 AM, MariaMagdalena said:

He basically made me feel like I'm second best

He was consistent with who he has always been. From the sound of things he didn't take your feelings into consideration most of the time. So him deciding on his own was another example of who he is.

I understand how much it hurts. When you care for someone, you want to see the good and ignore the bad. But a person shows you who they are in small ways everyday. Believe them. 

Long distances relationships can work out. Just because someone is in a different country, doesn't mean it has to be the end. But both sides have to be willing to put in the time and effort. If he wasn't, then he wasn't right for you and you are better off without him, especially if this is how he has treated you this whole time.

I hope you have been able to find some peace and come to understand that he is the one who made these choices. He is the one who treated you poorly. You deserve better and will have better eventually. Take time for you and find happiness on our own, treating yourself the right way.