Bf moved to usa ?

[MariaMagdalena]

We ve been together since late 2019. I always felt like I was his second option (as he had a serious obsession with a girl he experienced love at first sight with in 2018 but couldn't be with her due to some faults he created and shortly after leaving her in July 2019, he started talking to me in September as he would be heading to Spain , I'm spanish and by late 2019 we started dating)  but ignored it

We decided to do a PhD and I planned to return to the UK to do my PhD there. He on the other hand didn't agree and was applying to US institutions, finally deciding to go to New York for his PhD.

I told him that LDR during PhD will be tough but he didn't agree and left for New York.

Why would he do this did he even care?

[Batya33]

Why are you surprised since he told you for a long time now that he would be applying to USA institutions? Also why did you settle for being a second choice? How often had you been seeing each other?

[MariaMagdalena]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you surprised since he told you for a long time now that he would be applying to USA institutions? Also why did you settle for being a second choice? How often had you been seeing each other?

I'm surprised because I didn't actually believe that he would move there.

He did his Bachelors in the UK so I felt like he would accompany me for the sake of our relationship by enrolling in a UK Institution but he didn't.  He actually went ahead with the US university. 

We weren't seeing each other. We lived together since 2020 in Spain 

I also didn't know I was the 2nd choice. Found out later 

[MariaMagdalena]

I didn't know I was the 2nd choice 

[TeeDee]

59 minutes ago, MariaMagdalena said:

I told him that LDR during PhD will be tough but he didn't agree and left for New York.

Why would he do this did he even care?

The NY PhD program may be the best program for him.   You shouldn't hold people back from their educational dreams.  

If you are unhappy you can break up with him.  Just because an LDR will be tough doesn't mean it's impossible.  

[MariaMagdalena]

5 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

The NY PhD program may be the best program for him.   You shouldn't hold people back from their educational dreams.  

If you are unhappy you can break up with him.  Just because an LDR will be tough doesn't mean it's impossible.  

PhD programs are same everywhere. There is no need to move across the pond .  Instead the length of a US PhD is 6 years average whereas in UK its 4. He willingly chose to go there knowing these?

[TeeDee]

I can't speak to his motives.  Maybe he always wanted to go to the US.  

All you can do is deal with the present situation.  Do you want to try an LDR?  Do you want to come to the US (that sounds like a bad plan given the time & costs involved).  Do you want to get your degree then use it to try to get a job in the US?  Do you consider his actions inexcusable & are you considering them to equate to a break up?  

You have choices.  Other than make him study elsewhere what do you want? 

[MissCanuck]

Oh, no. 

Not this story again. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Honey, I'll make it simple.

He doesn't think you're worth enough of a move.

His personal/educational goals are higher up. You are not a priority in his life.

Now it's up to your self esteem and self value to decide how to proceed. Either you settle for the LDR scraps of the relationship, or you do the adult thing and part ways to find someone who wants you as much as you want them.

Time to wear the big girl pants on. He might not break up to keep you as back up plan B, or because he's too cowardly. So you need to make the choice.

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, MariaMagdalena said:

I always felt like I was his second option

I don't know why you'd stay a second past when you first realized this. Yes, from what you've written, it sounds like you were always far more into him and he was coasting until he decided to create distance. 

Apparently, you've been like an ostrich with its head in the sand--preferring to assume the best when he kept giving you signs that he's just not that into you.

Let him go and think about lessons you've learned from this. Otherwise you're bound to ignore red flags from men in the future. Work on your self-love as well. It needs your attention,

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MariaMagdalena said:

I'm surprised because I didn't actually believe that he would move there.

Well sorry to say, that's on you.   In the future, when people show/tell you who they are, believe them!

It's a big mistake to start imposing your expectations on them despite them telling you exactly where they are - mentally, emotionally and eventually physically.

I don't mean to be hurtful but why he did this is because you are not a priority to him.  His studies, his life! are more important to him than you and your relationship.

If me, I wouldn't start envisioning a LDR, his actions speak volumes here, he wants out the relationship and I highly doubt it's just because he moved to NYC.

He chose NYC for a reason and it wasn't because it's got the best schools.

It was an easy out for him, and heck NYC is a great place to live!

I am sorry, I wish I could be more positive but this is done IMO.

 

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, MariaMagdalena said:

PhD programs are same everywhere. There is no need to move across the pond .  Instead the length of a US PhD is 6 years average whereas in UK its 4. He willingly chose to go there knowing these?

That’s not true at all. The quality of supervisors, programs, and institutions/departments - even surrounding environment - have an incredible impact on how one goes through their PhD and can make or break a career. I chose the wrong supervisor and the wrong institute and it cost me everything. Now I cannot even work in my field and that has been soul-shattering. They are not all the same by any stretch. (FYI - I’m Australian and went to a university in the UK. I’d have been FAR better off doing my research under a supervisor in Germany).

I would not hold it against him that he chose a program in the U.S., as he was clear it was his plan. You chose not to believe how serious he was about it. If your relationship can stand the test of time, then it will go the distance, literally. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be and would have ended at some point or another, regardless of the distance or lack thereof.

Also, if your sentiment is true, then why not do your PhD in the U.S. with him? Why is it on him to stay(?), as it seems you don’t care where you study (despite “moving across the pond” from Spain to the UK), but he does. So, if it’s all the same to you, why not offer to be the one to move?

[catfeeder]

Why would you ask us to explain his reasoning when you can ask him?

If he hasn’t been forthcoming about this, and he’s unwilling to be forthcoming now, then I would consider this to be a breakup and move myself forward accordingly.

[Batya33]

What were your future plans? Marriage? Family? I agree with Rainbow that it's on you that you ignored his plan to relocate and apply for PhD programs in the US.  When my future husband and I reconnected after breaking up for years one of the first conversations we had after getting back together was if I would be willing to relocate for his career if we got married.  I told him yes and also told him a few places I would not want to move (which was fine with him).  Did I hope he'd end up in NYC where he'd also grown up and where I then lived? Of course! But I went into it with eyes wide open and it would have been really unfair if when he did get a job offer out of state I said oh I thought you'd never actually do it.  

Long distance when we dated was hard but I wouldn't have done it unless we both wanted to get married to each other and try to have a baby - we were on the same page and very clear about our goals.  I think he was clear with you and you didn't want to really hear it.  I agree with the others that he likely has really good reasons to pursue a PhD in NY.  My husband pursued one part time after we married -and he achieved it but it was a lot of work and the type of program was very important to him.  Understandably.

[shouldhavelearned]

If you didn't agree before the move, break up and move on.

[MariaMagdalena]

6 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

That’s not true at all. The quality of supervisors, programs, and institutions/departments - even surrounding environment - have an incredible impact on how one goes through their PhD and can make or break a career. I chose the wrong supervisor and the wrong institute and it cost me everything. Now I cannot even work in my field and that has been soul-shattering. They are not all the same by any stretch. (FYI - I’m Australian and went to a university in the UK. I’d have been FAR better off doing my research under a supervisor in Germany).

I would not hold it against him that he chose a program in the U.S., as he was clear it was his plan. You chose not to believe how serious he was about it. If your relationship can stand the test of time, then it will go the distance, literally. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be and would have ended at some point or another, regardless of the distance or lack thereof.

Also, if your sentiment is true, then why not do your PhD in the U.S. with him? Why is it on him to stay(?), as it seems you don’t care where you study (despite “moving across the pond” from Spain to the UK), but he does. So, if it’s all the same to you, why not offer to be the one to move?

PhDs are already very difficult. Do you actually think our relationship will stand the test of time with 2 people living in 2 different continents?

[MariaMagdalena]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well sorry to say, that's on you.   In the future, when people show/tell you who they are, believe them!

It's a big mistake to start imposing your expectations on them despite them telling you exactly where they are - mentally, emotionally and eventually physically.

I don't mean to be hurtful but why he did this is because you are not a priority to him.  His studies, his life! are more important to him than you and your relationship.

If me, I wouldn't start envisioning a LDR, his actions speak volumes here, he wants out the relationship and I highly doubt it's just because he moved to NYC.

He chose NYC for a reason and it wasn't because it's got the best schools.

It was an easy out for him, and heck NYC is a great place to live!

I am sorry, I wish I could be more positive but this is done IMO.

 

I told him to choose a UK school and he did his Bachelors here at a school that was a specialist in his field. But he still choose to go to NY.

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, MariaMagdalena said:

PhDs are already very difficult. Do you actually think our relationship will stand the test of time with 2 people living in 2 different continents?

Only the two people in the relationship can know if their relationship has the bones to withstand the difficulty of a long distance relationship.

I had a friend from Russia who was together with her boyfriend for years when she moved to Australia to pursue studies (approx 12 years ago). Her partner, also Russian, was a qualified mechanic but didn’t know any English at all and so they agreed to do long distance for 2+ years so that he could learn English and be granted a visa. They were dedicated to each other, had a solid plan and were willing to make difficult sacrifices for the long-term goal. They never wavered. He eventually came to Aus on his own merit, worked hard and then they got married about a year after being together in Aus. By that point, they had been together 12 years. 

Conversely, I know couples who couldn’t last past a few months in different towns, let alone different countries. So, it really depends on each couple. You cannot use other couples as a point of reference for your own relationship potential. All you can do is look at your relationship goals and values as a couple and see if both parties are in alignment. If they are, they need to make, as Batya and her husband did, a well-thought out plan of attack and how to handle the distance when it becomes challenging emotionally. It is imperative for the success of any LDR that there is an end point to the distance and can be proactively worked towards.

My personal opinion is that you and he are not truly in love (a necessity for relationship success) to undergo a LDR. You do not take his goals seriously and place no value in his wants - as evidenced by your utter shock that he is pursuing a PhD in the U.S. despite his many proclamations that that be his plan. He feels that his academic career is more important than your relationship at present - as evidenced by his decision to go despite being together for quite some time, so, I’d cut my losses and focus on your own studies and what people you may meet abroad.

I also implore your to consider if dating outside of your citizenship (or those with EU status) is wise for you unless you and the other person go into a relationship knowing what you are prepared to give up or negotiate logistically speaking. I speak as the parent of a 4yo that I became pregnant with during the writing of my MPhil dissertation in a country I did not have permanent residency and to a man who also was not a resident of that country or my own. My marriage did not work out and I had to return to my home country; I was not granted permission to remain in the UK so that I could co-parent. Now, my son’s father is living internationally and cannot parent his child due to distance - they are a world apart, literally. When he returns to his home country, he will still be separated from his child because although our son has dual citizenship, I do not have residential rights despite being the custodial parent.

If you and your partner (whoever he may be) are not willing to relocate to certain places to be together and can do so legally and long-term, then don’t get into anything unless you intend it to be casual.

[MariaMagdalena]

2 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

Only the two people in the relationship can know if their relationship has the bones to withstand the difficulty of a long distance relationship.

I had a friend from Russia who was together with her boyfriend for years when she moved to Australia to pursue studies (approx 12 years ago). Her partner, also Russian, was a qualified mechanic but didn’t know any English at all and so they agreed to do long distance for 2+ years so that he could learn English and be granted a visa. They were dedicated to each other, had a solid plan and were willing to make difficult sacrifices for the long-term goal. They never wavered. He eventually came to Aus on his own merit, worked hard and then they got married about a year after being together in Aus. By that point, they had been together 12 years. 

Conversely, I know couples who couldn’t last past a few months in different towns, let alone different countries. So, it really depends on each couple. You cannot use other couples as a point of reference for your own relationship potential. All you can do is look at your relationship goals and values as a couple and see if both parties are in alignment. If they are, they need to make, as Batya and her husband did, a well-thought out plan of attack and how to handle the distance when it becomes challenging emotionally. It is imperative for the success of any LDR that there is an end point to the distance and can be proactively worked towards.

My personal opinion is that you and he are not truly in love (a necessity for relationship success) to undergo a LDR. You do not take his goals seriously and place no value in his wants - as evidenced by your utter shock that he is pursuing a PhD in the U.S. despite his many proclamations that that be his plan. He feels that his academic career is more important than your relationship at present - as evidenced by his decision to go despite being together for quite some time, so, I’d cut my losses and focus on your own studies and what people you may meet abroad.

I also implore your to consider if dating outside of your citizenship (or those with EU status) is wise for you unless you and the other person go into a relationship knowing what you are prepared to give up or negotiate logistically speaking. I speak as the parent of a 4yo that I became pregnant with during the writing of my MPhil dissertation in a country I did not have permanent residency and to a man who also was not a resident of that country or my own. My marriage did not work out and I had to return to my home country; I was not granted permission to remain in the UK so that I could co-parent. Now, my son’s father is living internationally and cannot parent his child due to distance - they are a world apart, literally. When he returns to his home country, he will still be separated from his child because although our son has dual citizenship, I do not have residential rights despite being the custodial parent.

If you and your partner (whoever he may be) are not willing to relocate to certain places to be together and can do so legally and long-term, then don’t get into anything unless you intend it to be casual.

He basically made me feel like I'm second best and he did make me feel that way 

[MariaMagdalena]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What were your future plans? Marriage? Family? I agree with Rainbow that it's on you that you ignored his plan to relocate and apply for PhD programs in the US.  When my future husband and I reconnected after breaking up for years one of the first conversations we had after getting back together was if I would be willing to relocate for his career if we got married.  I told him yes and also told him a few places I would not want to move (which was fine with him).  Did I hope he'd end up in NYC where he'd also grown up and where I then lived? Of course! But I went into it with eyes wide open and it would have been really unfair if when he did get a job offer out of state I said oh I thought you'd never actually do it.  

Long distance when we dated was hard but I wouldn't have done it unless we both wanted to get married to each other and try to have a baby - we were on the same page and very clear about our goals.  I think he was clear with you and you didn't want to really hear it.  I agree with the others that he likely has really good reasons to pursue a PhD in NY.  My husband pursued one part time after we married -and he achieved it but it was a lot of work and the type of program was very important to him.  Understandably.

Future plans were just to stay in living together and do a PhD as we couldn't find jobs and we don't want to work under capitalists but work for labour and trade unions. However I did not expect him to leave for USA.

[MariaMagdalena]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well sorry to say, that's on you.   In the future, when people show/tell you who they are, believe them!

It's a big mistake to start imposing your expectations on them despite them telling you exactly where they are - mentally, emotionally and eventually physically.

I don't mean to be hurtful but why he did this is because you are not a priority to him.  His studies, his life! are more important to him than you and your relationship.

If me, I wouldn't start envisioning a LDR, his actions speak volumes here, he wants out the relationship and I highly doubt it's just because he moved to NYC.

He chose NYC for a reason and it wasn't because it's got the best schools.

It was an easy out for him, and heck NYC is a great place to live!

I am sorry, I wish I could be more positive but this is done IMO.

 

He was also befriending multiple girls at the NY school and was even going to meet them jn their dorm rooms , take photos with them and publish them on facebook.

[LotusBlack]

32 minutes ago, MariaMagdalena said:

He was also befriending multiple girls at the NY school and was even going to meet them jn their dorm rooms , take photos with them and publish them on facebook.

He isn't committed to your relationship and has started the mental and emotional process of extricating himself from the relationship. I'd have zero desire for and interest in someone who was behaving inappropriately with the boundaries of our relationship, which he is doing. Seeing my partner want others over me and us would be like a bucket of ice water on my attraction for him. The more you say, the more this relationship sounds not right. 

You and he are not compatible. You want different things in different countries. It isn't going to work because there isn't trust, respect, love, and safety within the bounds of your relationship. Again, cut your losses, as this isn't a healthy dynamic and isn't going to last. It ought not to, really.

[MariaMagdalena]

14 hours ago, TeeDee said:

The NY PhD program may be the best program for him.   You shouldn't hold people back from their educational dreams.  

If you are unhappy you can break up with him.  Just because an LDR will be tough doesn't mean it's impossible.  

They are the same as in the US you won't miraculously find Stephen hawking type of professors as supervisors. They are longer and yes they do have teaching opportunities early on but my bf doesn't want to teach and is more involved in Palestine protest and worker, labour rights protests and he spends a lot of time doing that when not studying. So he didn't need to go to the US to do these things 

[MariaMagdalena]

33 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

He isn't committed to your relationship and has started the mental and emotional process of extricating himself from the relationship. I'd have zero desire for and interest in someone who was behaving inappropriately with the boundaries of our relationship, which he is doing. Seeing my partner want others over me and us would be like a bucket of ice water on my attraction for him. The more you say, the more this relationship sounds not right. 

You and he are not compatible. You want different things in different countries. It isn't going to work because there isn't trust, respect, love, and safety within the bounds of your relationship. Again, cut your losses, as this isn't a healthy dynamic and isn't going to last. It ought not to, really.

I don't understand why he couldn't say he wanted to break up instead of deliberately going away and creating distance.

I have always noticed these things. We found a freezing cat on the way to Satander Spain and I took the cat in as a rescue but then he started saying he's allergic to cats so we can't keep it. Eventually I had to post on instagram and facebook to get the kitty adopted as he wouldn't allow pets together. This was back in 2021

[DarkCh0c0]

10 minutes ago, MariaMagdalena said:

I don't understand why he couldn't say he wanted to break up instead of deliberately going away and creating distance.

I answered you already on that.

12 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He might not break up to keep you as back up plan B, or because he's too cowardly. So you need to make the choice

 

Why are you sticking around such a man? He doesn't sound like a catch at all, yet you're obsessed.

Would this be your first break up?