wanting to reconnect with estranged cousins

[rabbitrok]

So I guess in this situation I'm the estranged one, but not sure how it works exactly. Due to them moving when I was young, I have three cousins I haven't seen in around 20 years. Two of them I follow on FB, one of them I occasionally interact with. I grew up with all three of them and spent the first 12-13 years of my life with them. I am estranged from most of my family. Both of my parents are deceased. After my mother died in 2016 I was cut off from everyone, but I have no idea why. I've reached out several times, but I get no responses from any of the 'adult' relatives. I feel extremely lonely and isolated a lot of the time. I told my therapist I would love to reconnect with some of my cousins and I think this may help my relationships in other areas of my life as I struggle making friends and have never had a romantic relationship. She suggested I send these cousins a message explaining what I would like, but I'm so worried they will either ignore it or say no. Worse, I'm worried we will try and fail. All 3 of my cousins are married with children. I am single, no children. We all live in different places (2 in different states, 1 same state different city) and I don't know if there would even be a place for me in their lives anymore. Honestly I don't even know how often they communicate with each other. Maybe it's not at all. I do have a few other cousins, but due to a bad relationship with another Aunt I don't think my other cousins are a good shot, so these guys are my best bet. But I feel like we are literally living opposite lives and would we even have anything to connect over anymore? I worry it's just been too long. What should I do? Should I even do anything? 

[ShySoul]

If you do nothing, you will never know what could happen. You will guarantee that nothing comes of this. You will be continuing the same lonely isolation you are in now. There is no way of knowing how things will turn out. But if you don't try, nothing good can open of it.

I am essentially estranged from my family as well. I still call my mother each week. I have one aunt I talk to but generally its under sad circumstances (like her husband just passing away). But otherwise no one stays in contact. I also have tried to reach out to people, family and friends, and get no response. I get being scared of trying again and again. I get worrying that things won't work out. But I also know what's it's like to not do anything. If you are at a point where you don't want to be lonely and you feel you need that contact, then you need to reach out to them. Being that lonely isn't good for you. Sometimes just having one person you can connect with makes things infinitely better.

Send a message just saying hi and that you'd like to catch up. Most people are at least willing to chat. And most people like thinking about old times, as you would probably remind them of. Don't go into expecting to be fast friends and hanging out all the time. Just try to take things as they come. Talk when you can. Find something you have in common. You can be the cool cousin to their children. And parents tend to love talking about their children, so ask about them. Most importantly, relax and believe in yourself. This can work.

As the saying goes, the longest journey begins with a single step. So take the step and see what happens. 

[Batya33]

I have somewhat similar situations with certain relatives. I'd reach out via Facebook or Linkedin.  Their and your marital status should make no difference.  Geography might make it harder to see each other.  Good luck!

[TeeDee]

I think you have to try.  You already have some sort of connection through social media.  That is a start. 

Do you have any independent reason to be near where any of them are?  If so reach out a few weeks in advance & say something along the lines of

"I'm going to be in your area on [dates].  I would love to treat you & your spouse to lunch.  Are you free on [day]?" 

See if that gets you anywhere.  I doesn't always work.  The last 2 times I was on the other side of the country I reached out to a cousin & made plans but once I got there she couldn't be bothered to answer my calls.   

[Cherylyn]

Your story resonates with mine.  We have parallels despite different situations regarding cousins. 

What have you got to lose?  Contact them however way you can.  The best way to go about this is to express your humility.  Tell the truth.  Tell them that since they're family and you feel lonely,  you'd love to have a cousin rapport with them.  Remain realistic though.  Some people don't want the burden of frequent,  too close of a relationship,  expectations of travel,  excessive electronic correspondence and high expectations of their generosity,  time and efforts to keep the cousin-ship afloat.  You're the one who will have to set the tone and pace to be very mindful.  Everyone has very busy lives and not everyone wishes to have an invasion of their privacy or have their lives interrupted with yet another person to maintain and interact with family or no family.  It's not that people hate you.  It's that they don't care about you.  It's nothing personal. 

They will be more amenable if you are a low maintenance cousin. 

Also,  don't bad mouth anyone even if you're tempted to or partake in those types of conversations.  They're watching you and as long as you are kind and good even behind people's backs,  they're more apt to build a trusting cousin-ship with you.  Walk the fine line. 

In the worst case scenario,  they'll either ignore you entirely or decline a cousin-ship with you.  Be prepared for the outcome either way so you won't be surprised nor shocked. 

Be nice and treat them the way you would want to be treated without being overbearing.  I hope it works in your favor.