Standing Alone: When Your Partner Disagrees

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He may have and in this particular situation saw a reason to make an exception despite stating it broadly -after all he's not  your partner and you don't know him well enough to know how he's processing something despite stating it as a broad belief that one should feel sympathy for someone who caused their own pain -and others' pain.

.  For example some FB friends are accusing those who watched a certain debate and criticized the performance as discriminating against people with disabilities/medical or mental health conditions.  I absolutely do not discriminate against people with disabilities.  It is a core value.  AND if I had a discussion with that person (which I won't, ever -not worth it) that person might believe my analysis of the performance was discriminatory and believe I didn't share her core values.  She would be wrong in her analysis of my opinion and also short sighted IMO. 

Right.

I think because he didn't automatically jump on board with me, he didn't believe in the same values and beliefs, which was my core belief - that we should always stand up for injustices, even if they were caused by the victim, because it is just the right thing to do.

I do understand and respect that other people might have different interpretations or views about certain things, but in my core belief, standing up against injustices is more important. And this friend making this comment about sympathizing with the perpetrator rather than the victim(s) goes directly against this belief, and that's what upset me.

In any event, thanks for allowing me space to process things. It is much appreciated. I really needed it.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Right.

I think because he didn't automatically jump on board with me, he didn't believe in the same values and beliefs, which was my core belief - that we should always stand up for injustices, even if they were caused by the victim, because it is just the right thing to do.

I do understand and respect that other people might have different interpretations or views about certain things, but in my core belief, standing up against injustices is more important. And this friend making this comment about sympathizing with the perpetrator rather than the victim(s) goes directly against this belief, and that's what upset me.

In any event, thanks for allowing me space to process things. It is much appreciated. I really needed it.

Yes that's  your take on his comment and if you believe in always standing up for injustices please know it can cause great injustice to act on a misinterpretation of someone's words.  I've had  that happen to me and had that happen to me professionally too and it's -awful!  Feels very unjust. Also someone might not "automatically" jump on board with you but might later on reflection so how about giving grace and cutting slack. Life is much more nuanced I believe than your example above.

I had a friend who claimed she cared more about animals than I did because she was a vegetarian and helped in animal shelters.  She automatically assumed that because I ate meat and had no interest then in volunteering in an animal shelter and volunteered in different environments she cared more.  To me that's an injustice against me -presuming that I couldn't possibly care as much about animals based on those facts.  That to me is elevating an abstract belief, a devotion to a Cause over caring about an individual -me in that instance -and how hurtful it can be to accuse someone of not caring as much about other human beings or animals. She -did more -than I did for animals since she volunteered at an animal shelter but did she "care" more?  That's her opinion.  (Had a friend -because after that I kept my distance as I didn't want to be hurt again)

 

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Yes echo everything you said, Cherylyn, because it aligns with how I am with my husband. I also can't stand my FIL and I don't say or do anything - which is doing nothing in order to keep the peace.

Talking about standing up for your spouse, my husband and I have publicly defended each other. It's not a common thing but those are the moments you know your partner really has your back. There's been times where we said "ops my bad" in public, yet the rude piece of crap person kept on berating and one of us would stand up for the other. I've done it when someone yelled at my husband thinking he "stole" an open-seating table at an outdoor restaurant. And he's actually defended me before against a mob attack! Not kidding, I almost backed into a group of teenage kids that were running around and being straight hooligans at a shopping center parking lot. I didnt see them because they were running around. I said sorry when I stopped right in time, but NOOOO these kids were so mad that I almost hit one of their friends. So they're hitting the trunk of the car, calling me all kinds of names, telling me I can't drive. Husband gets out and yells at them to not hit the car and we both said sorry again. One of the kids had a real attitude and his friends were just egging him to fight my husband because as my husband was trying to talk to them and apologize that we didnt see them because they were running, they kept calling me a b word who can't drive. Of course it goes on and on, my husband is now just furious and he starts raging at them. My husband has a booming voice so the kids are all getting drowned out and all I remember seeing is the kids are backing away since the kid with the biggest attitude is the first one walking away. I guess since the kid with the biggest attitude didnt want to fight, none of the other kids wanted to fight. But any way, I think once they saw that my husband wasn't backing down and he was angry, they got scared and left.

 

 

I hear you @LootieTootie Same here with my local in-laws.  I don't say nor do anything.  I'm too tired.  The most effective response is a passive response which requires the least amount of effort.  I also make us unavailable.  We no longer socialize frequently anymore.  We only see them a few times a year as opposed to every month of the year.  Behave?  Then all is well and being together is a joy.  Misbehave?  Bye.

That was quite a story @LootieTootie.  It was scary, too!  😵  I'm glad you and your husband were safe and the kid with the biggest attitude decided to walk away.  Then the others followed suit.  It makes you wonder what type of parents are raising these monsters who grow up to be pure evil. 👿 Yeah,  I have sons, too and thankfully they're honorable and never a shameful embarrassment. 💗  💜

The other story about the restaurant table was very unpleasant.  Dealing with the public in society is sick.  There are times when one loses faith in the human race.  Granted,  there are nice folks out there but it's the bad ones who leave a sour taste in your mouth.  😒

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Hi @Cherylyn!

I know what you mean... I've always tried to follow the praise in public, criticize in private. lol.

Separate from romance, it can be hurtful if a conversation turns into something that requires defending in general, but it can also be the point of growth. 

I try to consider what I say as a reflection of me, not others. So it seems like a lot to expect another to be able to speak for me. After all, no one agrees all the time. 

 

Hi @Lambert!

I know what you mean, too .  .  .  Positivity in public and comment or criticize in private, 😊.  We all talk especially at home. 

Yes,  there are conversations when we defend ourselves.  As long as conversations are calm and mature,  the outcome is empathetic.  There is a better understanding.

I agree,  no one agrees all the time.  Fortunately,  my husband and I don't have many major disagreements.  We're generally on the same page.  If there were significant transgressions committed by others and they went out of their way to be dismissive and disrespectful,  I've noticed that they don't abuse me when they realize my husband is the one looking over my shoulder.  They tend to back off because they know I can always defer to him as if in autopilot.  I've had his back when it came down to the wire as well.  It works both ways.  Fortunately,  most people don't bother us.  We're like pieces on a chessboard and lately,  it's always us in the position of:  Checkmate.  🤗

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes that's  your take on his comment and if you believe in always standing up for injustices please know it can cause great injustice to act on a misinterpretation of someone's words.  I've had  that happen to me and had that happen to me professionally too and it's -awful!  Feels very unjust. Also someone might not "automatically" jump on board with you but might later on reflection so how about giving grace and cutting slack. Life is much more nuanced I believe than your example above.

I had a friend who claimed she cared more about animals than I did because she was a vegetarian and helped in animal shelters.  She automatically assumed that because I ate meat and had no interest then in volunteering in an animal shelter and volunteered in different environments she cared more.  To me that's an injustice against me -presuming that I couldn't possibly care as much about animals based on those facts.  That to me is elevating an abstract belief, a devotion to a Cause over caring about an individual -me in that instance -and how hurtful it can be to accuse someone of not caring as much about other human beings or animals. She -did more -than I did for animals since she volunteered at an animal shelter but did she "care" more?  That's her opinion.  (Had a friend -because after that I kept my distance as I didn't want to be hurt again)

 

Yes Bat, I fully support this.  

He did later express his viewpoint and I sympathized with it. I suppose that's the best outcome. But my initial hot little head was overly hot. I should think of him as capable of nuanced thought and have more grace.

To your friends point, I hear that often because sometimes people assume things of me and I myself have practiced vegetarianism and volunteered in kill shelters so I don't have to get any grief from them or anyone else about not loving animals more than them.  

People can make comparisons, create hierarchies where there should be none. It makes me crazy. Oh, you eat meat? You drive a car that runs on fossil fuels? You use plastic straws sometimes? And you claim to care about climate? I can just PRETEND animals are sacred or I could do you one better: I can just kill something in the wild with my Prius on the way home.

Beyond that some causes aren't fun because they force people to make such choices and face their limitations. I don't need more sanctimonious vegans making me feel guilty because I choose not to make that choice right now-to eat cheese --- while they seemingly sneer.  

(But.. sorry I digress.)

My point is-and it goes back to the original conversation- thoughts and words can spawn a chain reaction.

It's important to get them right or fix them as quickly as possible. Or maybe just walk away! 

[mylolita]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He may have and in this particular situation saw a reason to make an exception despite stating it broadly -after all he's not  your partner and you don't know him well enough to know how he's processing something despite stating it as a broad belief that one should feel sympathy for someone who caused their own pain -and others' pain.

.  For example some FB friends are accusing those who watched a certain debate and criticized the performance as discriminating against people with disabilities/medical or mental health conditions.  I absolutely do not discriminate against people with disabilities.  It is a core value.  AND if I had a discussion with that person (which I won't, ever -not worth it) that person might believe my analysis of the performance was discriminatory and believe I didn't share her core values.  She would be wrong in her analysis of my opinion and also short sighted IMO. 

Ohhh wouldn’t be referring to someone beginning with a big ol’ B and ending in an N would we?

 

Don’t tell me! 🤤🤣

 

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