Did I do something wrong?

[jshdsnajwjs]

I met a girl at my workplace today, who was fairly nice and polite. It turned out we had a lot in common and we spoke for a while, but I did make sure to eventually bring up my girlfriend so that I can set a boundary and make sure she knows I'm not trying to be more than friends. She said it was very cute and asked to see my girlfriend, after which I showed her a photo.

After this I saw my girlfriend and told her about the new friend I made, and how I told her I have a girlfriend so that she doesn't think something's going on between me and the girl and I set a boundary. My girlfriend initially thought the girl liked me, but I told her either way it doesn't matter because I don't and I told her I have a girlfriend, so it's all good.

I told my friends about this, who flamed me and said that:

1. I shouldn't have told my girlfriend as it would make her jealous and

2. I should've kept my options open as it's my first relationship and if we ever broke up I'd regret rejecting that girl. 

I obviously stood my ground and denied the 2nd point as I'm loyal to my girlfriend, and I said we're not breaking up anytime soon (and it's been over a year), and even if we do break up and the other girl was meant for me, then she'll come back or stick around in some sort of way. However, upon second thought I'm worried that I told my girlfriend. I was trying to be transparent with her and assure her I'm not secretly talking to some girl at work, what if she did get jealous/insecure on the inside and tries to talk to another guy now or even go further, as a sort of revenge? Am I overthinking or was I wrong in telling her all about the girl?

[yogacat]

It would have come up eventually.

Keeping secrets or hiding things can breed mistrust in a relationship. If your girlfriend found out about the girl from someone else, she may have felt like you were trying to hide something from her.

I don't necessarily agree with your friend's point about keeping your options open. It's strange they would suggest that you shouldn't be honest with your girlfriend in case you might break up in the future. That type of thinking assumes that the relationship is already doomed and you should be looking for other options?

[jshdsnajwjs]

Just now, yogacat said:

It would have come up eventually.

Keeping secrets or hiding things can breed mistrust in a relationship. If your girlfriend found out about the girl from someone else, she may have felt like you were trying to hide something from her.

I don't necessarily agree with your friend's point about keeping your options open. It's strange they would suggest that you shouldn't be honest with your girlfriend in case you might break up in the future. That type of thinking assumes that the relationship is already doomed and you should be looking for other options?

I agree, I couldn't tell if they were joking or not, but I was very defensive as doing that hints at being disloyal and I'm not trying to do that. So in the end I didn't do anything wrong?

Also, my girlfriend instantly said "she likes you" when I told her, but I also did reassure her that it doesn't matter because I don't. The only thing I'm worried about is her getting insecure/jealous now and trying something similar with another guy, is that a valid thing to worry about or am I thinking completely wrong?

 

[Batya33]

I would have told my husband I made a new friend at work.  The end. If i mentioned it was a he I wouldn't have told him that I told the coworker I was married.  Because it is obvious to my husband that we trust each other and he trusts me to make new friends/colleagues and behave appropriately.  Many years ago a man I met messaged me for advice as he was going through a divorce and some of what he wrote seemed too personal.  So I showed my husband and asked his opinion on how I should word the response so that I gave him the logistical advice he was looking for and shut down any boundary crossing.  He liked my way of dealing with it. The end.

Why would  you have to tell your GF about your choice to behave appropriately -shouldn't it be obvious?

[jshdsnajwjs]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would have told my husband I made a new friend at work.  The end. If i mentioned it was a he I wouldn't have told him that I told the coworker I was married.  Because it is obvious to my husband that we trust each other and he trusts me to make new friends/colleagues and behave appropriately.  Many years ago a man I met messaged me for advice as he was going through a divorce and some of what he wrote seemed too personal.  So I showed my husband and asked his opinion on how I should word the response so that I gave him the logistical advice he was looking for and shut down any boundary crossing.  He liked my way of dealing with it. The end.

Why would  you have to tell your GF about your choice to behave appropriately -shouldn't it be obvious?

Just in case she gets insecure or jealous of the girl, to prevent her from thinking anything.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jshdsnajwjs said:

Just in case she gets insecure or jealous of the girl, to prevent her from thinking anything.

The problem is then you're introducing that there is any issue at all with you being friendly with a coworker whether female, male, nonbinary, etc.  My husband once asked me if I thought it would be awkward if he asked a female colleague if he could use her completely empty hotel room to shower as he had to check out of his hotel room and would need a shower. 

He didn't say "and of course I'll tell her it's just to shower I don't mean any innuendo" and he didn't say "and she won't take it the wrong way that I have a crush on her -we've been friends for X years and she's never thought so" -he simply wanted to know if it could possibly be misconstrued as inappropriate given the work relationship.  I advised him not to ask.  Not because I was jealous or insecure I was concerned of the risk like what if she misunderstood the timing then went back to the room while he was showering -so awkward.  He agreed. 

Had he introduced the whole insecure/jealous/crush thing that would have made me wonder -why -why is he even bringing this up -did she come on to him?  I would still trust him but I'd be annoyed at the comment.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, jshdsnajwjs said:

I told my friends about this, who flamed me and said that:

1. I shouldn't have told my girlfriend as it would make her jealous and

2. I should've kept my options open as it's my first relationship and if we ever broke up I'd regret rejecting that girl. 

Point no2 is silly. But point no1 has a validity. Dont think she would like that you tell her every time you have a conversation with somebody of opposite gender. As you wouldnt like for her to tell you the same. She is a woman, she probably has way more of those conversations than you do. Imagine her telling you every day "Oh that guy talked to me, but dont worry, I told him I have a boyfriend". 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, jshdsnajwjs said:

I met a girl at my workplace today, who was fairly nice and polite. It turned out we had a lot in common and we spoke for a while, but I did make sure to eventually bring up my girlfriend so that I can set a boundary and make sure she knows I'm not trying to be more than friends.

^^I'm wondering why you felt it necessary to mention to your co-worker you had a girlfriend?

Was she flirting with you?  Did she indicate she had any interest in you other than a co-worker and friend at work?  

If she did, then yes making a point to mention you had a girlfriend was appropriate but other than that it was presumptuous and unnecessary IMO.

Unless your girlfriend came up in casual conversation such as "my gf and I watched a great flick over the weekend."

She's a co-worker, best to keep things professional (but friendly) at work.

Telling your girlfriend was also unnecessary.  What you did by telling her was cause her wheels to spin wondering if there was something "going on" and why you felt the need to mention it?

She may think you felt guilty for something and wanted to "come clean" which again may cause her wheels to spin and get jealous, the very thing you were trying to avoid!

I dunno, I typically never felt it necessary to tell my boyfriends about everyone I met and talked to that day (male or female) or every new co-worker I met.  It just wasn't that important.

And if I did, I certainly wouldn't announce "oh and I told him I have a boyfriend." 

Again, gets them thinking about a simple chat with a co-worker in a professional setting as being more like a flirtatious encounter with a new woman you met at a club or party or something.

No wonder she said "she likes you." 

You implanted that seed yourself.

 

 

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, jshdsnajwjs said:

I agree, I couldn't tell if they were joking or not, but I was very defensive as doing that hints at being disloyal and I'm not trying to do that. So in the end I didn't do anything wrong?

Also, my girlfriend instantly said "she likes you" when I told her, but I also did reassure her that it doesn't matter because I don't. The only thing I'm worried about is her getting insecure/jealous now and trying something similar with another guy, is that a valid thing to worry about or am I thinking completely wrong?

 

No, you didn't do anything wrong by telling your girlfriend about your new friend. Now, I agree with others, that you don't need to tell your girlfriend about every woman that you become acquainted with.

For example, if you were introduced to a woman, who was sitting next to you on a plane, you don't need to tell your girlfriend!

However, since you see her often at work, that may be different. Here is the deal, why would you tell your girlfriend about every woman you spoke to in a random place like a grocery store.

On the other hand, you may wish to introduce your girlfriend to a woman when the situation arises. For example, if you were to introduce your girlfriend to a coworker during a day trip with your girl, where you bumped into your coworker would be okay.

Further, if a colleague wanted to go to lunch, or out after work, then you'd disclosed your relationship then. However, keep in mind, there may never necessarily be a reason to be that specific with your girlfriend unless your coworker suggests you do something else like go to lunch.

Also. Your girlfriend may not be jealous over your new friend. It is not clear to me she was jealous. She may have asked to see a photo of your girlfriend for validation that you are in a relationship because you brought up the woman in the first place.

Other than that, she appears to trust that you are doing the right thing.

That you would think that your girlfriend would try something similar with another guy to make you jealous, based on what you've written, sounds more an issue with you and not her?

You reject your girlfriend's comment when she said the other woman liked you. You don't trust her, which is your own insecurity. The thing is, if you trust your girlfriend, you would expect her to think you were loyal and honest. This fear does not sound based on solid ground.

So while you say you are worried about her acting upon feelings that you may not have, you are really worried she is not going to give you what you want--someone to hang out with that you can trust implicitly, and won't talk to any other guy if you two should break up.

You're looking before some form of revenge, and you are projecting that perhaps she is thinking the same way about finding someone close to her to do the same thing. I don't read this is what your girlfriend wants.

I think you need wake up and smell the roses. 

[smackie9]

ya saying that makes you look guilty. Like what Batya33 said Just mention you made a new friend...end of. Your friends must be dudes....what they say is stupid, don't pay any attention to that dribble. 

 

[Andrina]

How old are you? You say this is your first relationship so you'll be learning quite a bit as you go along. One thing I learned over time is that it's wise to discuss, before deciding to become exclusive with someone, relationship boundaries you're comfortable with. Don't enter into a relationship with someone who has totally different views in that area.

I'm guessing you two didn't do that, but you should probably soon have that discussion. What are your personal rules for friendships with the opposite sex when you have a girlfriend. Do you exchange numbers? Can you call each other and text numerous times during each day, or would you, and how would you, limit that if it becomes too much to be appropriate? Do you think it's okay to regularly hang out with a female friend. And would it always be without your gf or would you always introduce them? Are you okay with your gf hanging out with a new male buddy one-on-one?

You don't have to answer those questions to the forum. They are just questions you should consider for yourself and to discuss those boundaries with your SO to make sure you match, to make sure there are no false assumptions between you two, and to make sure you're doing what's in the best interest for your primary relationship.

In case you didn't know, there are many troubled marriages that have been worsened, sometimes ending in divorce, because of a partner having an emotional affair with a co-worker. If there is a co-worker whom you find attractive in both looks and personality and you feel a great connection with, when you're already in a relationship, that is the co-worker you're going to have to totally avoid getting too close to. If you're seeking out this person more than other co-workers for talks at their desk, meeting up for lunch, speaking and meeting after hours, and you get excited about going to work just to see them, then you're not putting proper boundaries up for yourself as a taken person. It's not fair to your partner. 

Think about how you want to be treated by your partner, how you want them to behave appropriately when you're not a fly on the wall, and you do the same. In that way, you usually can't go wrong.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If there is a co-worker whom you find attractive in both looks and personality and you feel a great connection with, when you're already in a relationship, that is the co-worker you're going to have to totally avoid getting too close to.

^^Which begs the question...

Do you feel an attraction to this woman beyond a co-worker friendship?  Was your conversation flirtatious?

Did you/do you feel guilty for having that conversation? 

I think it's fine to mention to your gf you met a new co-worker that day, no issue with that. 

But consider why (1) you felt it necessary to tell the co-worker you have a girlfriend and (2) you felt it necessary to tell your girlfriend you told your co-worker you have a girlfriend.

On its face, it does sound like you felt an attraction to your co-worker and you felt/feel guilty because the conversation went further than the type of conversation one might have with a co-worker in a professional setting. 

Not accusing just asking..

[catfeeder]

I think it’s exciting to make a new friend, and I understand why you’d want to share that with your GF. You know her better than we do. If you felt it was a good idea to assure her that you included mention of her in your conversation, then I don’t see anything wrong with that.

[shouldhavelearned]

If you just met her, why push that right away?

You shouldn't have said anything to anybody right away. She's just a co-worker.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

She's just a co-worker.

Unless she's not...  

I'll wait for OP to return clarifying but it seems like too much drama including now he's concerned that his girlfriend will be jealous and seek revenge and cheat?

Holy smokes, something's happening beyond "she's just a co- worker."

Don't know what, whether within the OP himself or potential trouble in paradise, but something.

JMO.

[JoyfulCompany]

I don't think you did anything wrong. You tried to be respectful and transparent.

Recently I was at a conference and I was among a small group of people. A guy came to the group and we had some casual but fun and lengthy conversation, mainly he and I. He mentioned his girlfriend a few times and I felt so much at ease - it was just a case of a nice chat, which I appreciated. I have a boyfriend, I have zero interest in other men and I try to be cautious not to mislead anyone. In social settings I can be very friendly and enthusiastic (when I have the energy) and people have mistaken this as flirting/interest before. So I sometimes tense up. But it was made clear it's just a chat, i.e. he was not fishing for attention and this helped me simply enjoy it.

I don't think it was wrong you told your girlfriend. You shared something that was a nice part of your day and you reassured her it was innocent. Your friends gave you a very immature advice, imo.

[Batya33]

I'd avoid showing photos of your girlfriend to coworkers at work.  Especially who you've just met.  A puppy or a child-fine.  Why does it matter to someone you just met what your SO looks like?

A few years ago I met a new coworker -a man who had just moved to my state with his wife and son.  We had very specific things in common related to our background and our children.  So I thought it would be a good idea to get to know his family better (and him).  But the way I went about it was asking him if I could friend his wife on FB (and later I'm sure I linked in with him as many of us do in my office -it's encouraged) and he said yes so I did.  But I never would have asked him if we could be friends on FB.  Had he been a woman I likely would have and also would have told her about the moms groups I was involved in since she was new in town.  To me that is important -to maintain that boundary with opposite gender coworkers particularly if one or both is married/committed.

[ShySoul]

You didn't do anything wrong. If anything, you were overly thoughtful and considerate of all parties. You clarified where everyone stood made sure every one felt okay with it. That's mature and a sign of a good guy.

What a random friend thinks doesn't matter. What matters is the people involved. You felt okay with what you did. Your girlfiend was okay with it. And the other girl even thought it was cute. If none of you had a problem, then there is no problem and no reason to worry about it.

On 7/4/2024 at 8:36 AM, jshdsnajwjs said:

what if she did get jealous/insecure on the inside and tries to talk to another guy now or even go further, as a sort of revenge? 

Revenge for what? That you talked to another female at work? Unless you work at places that only hire males, that's bound to happen. You didn't flirt or cheat. You specifically made a point not to flirt and clarify it was just as friends. So you've given her no reason to be jealous or insecure. And she didn't indicate she was. And on the virtually nonexistent chance she would, that would speak way more to her insecurities then on anything you did.

On 7/4/2024 at 8:36 AM, jshdsnajwjs said:

2. I should've kept my options open as it's my first relationship and if we ever broke up I'd regret rejecting that girl. 

You're in a relationship, no reason to keep your options open. If he's saying this nonsense, why are you taking anything he says seriously?

[Cherylyn]

You didn't do anything wrong because every relationship is unique to both individuals. 

I support those who are in relationships and have opposite gender friends. 

I personally wouldn't approve of my husband having opposite gender friends and I don't have opposite gender friends myself.  For my marriage,  it's a form of disrespect because we wouldn't do that to each other nor confide in opposite gender friends because as husband and wife we confide in each other.  We're each others best friends ever since day one.  Having said that,  I fully support whatever other couples do and the choices they make are fine with me.  It's simply not my or my husband's way;  that's all.

You were right to tell your girlfriend and be completely honest.  Don't pay attention to your friends.  Your colleague is not on standby mode should you and your girlfriend break up.

We have acquaintances but none of us are chummy with opposite gender friends.  It's great that other couples are this way but it's not what we do though.

We don't share photos either generally.  We're very private people.  We have borders and boundaries. 

[Andrina]

So, OP, what are your thoughts on everything that's been said? 

[jshdsnajwjs]

On 7/6/2024 at 1:30 PM, Andrina said:

So, OP, what are your thoughts on everything that's been said? 

I just want to say thank you to everybody and apologies for being gone for so long. I don't feel like it was a big deal to overthink about, and I've come to terms with having done nothing wrong since a lot of people assured me and I appreciate it. I'll be a bit easier on myself from now on and try not to tell my girlfriend absolutely everything I say to another female since it's unnecessary and she should have trust in me. I was just excited haha.

On 7/4/2024 at 10:26 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Unless she's not... 

I see her as a friend; I feel like I get anxious after conversations with other girls because I'm too harsh on myself and that's why I set the boundary, I was being overprotective, but yeah I definitely wouldn't put it in their face unless they ask or try to flirt with me. Thanks again to everyone, it really wasn't a big deal and I always eventually realise it, but unfortunately my mind only lets me calm down after overthinking it.