Do I have romantic feelings for my childhood friend?

[fairytale02]

Hi everyone, I am a 25 year old female I have a male childhood friend of my age. We haven’t been in communication about 9 years because my family had to move to a different city then later university years came, we studied in different cities. When I graduated from university he texted to congratulate me. That’s when we started to talk again. When I come to my hometown on summers we started to meet and talk for hours because we haven’t been seen each other for months. This has been going on for two years, we don’t talk often through text or call when I am away during rest of the year. However, when we get together to meet face to face time flies really. He has always been nice to me. However since about 2 months I feel extra attention from him and I think he is more flirtatious when texting and during our meetings. He is also touchy and make compliments. I have always thought about him as a friend or I didn’t think of the idea if I like him romantically. I was afraid to ask him whether he likes me or not because I didn’t want to lose his friendship, his friendship is very dear to me. I can be vulnerable and myself with him. Today I asked him if he feels more than friendship. I told him I am inclined to be friends but your behavior makes me think you want more. He said he is not certain and it depends on me. Like his decision depends on mine. If I said I want more, he would have said he likes me. At least I thought about it like that because he didn’t exactly say he wants to be friends. Now that we talked about this, I found myself thinking again whether I like him or not. I enjoy spend time with him, like his sense of humor, and he listens to me attentively he genuinely cares about my feelings and my struggles. He always succeeds to make me laugh. I don’t think about him all the time to be honest and when he hugs me or puts his head on my shoulder to relax, I feel kinda weird or I should say tingly and this could be related with my shyness (I haven’t been in a relationship before). Or maybe I feel awkward, and I think this is not a good thing. If I like someone I would be comfortable with his touch. What do you think? Also, I think this relationship could be good on paper because we have known each other for years and our families are familiar, our dads were friends in their youth. I know I should make up my mind first whether I like him or not but I still think about logic too. What do you think and do you have any advice for my situation? 
Thank you for reading, I appreciate your answers. :)

[Andrina]

Do you know what his relationship history's been like? It might be helpful to notice a pattern, although you're both still young so that's not always a good indicator since many have shorter term relationships while in their late teens and early twenties.

Don't feel like you fully know every aspect of him as people can change a lot from the teen years through the twenties. If you happened to date, take it as dating anyone new you'd just met.

But the reality is that LDRs that start that way have a high risk of failure. It takes regularly seeing one another locally to really know the reality of a person, especially past the honeymoon stage of the first 3 or 4 months.

The pickle is that if you moved back to your hometown to try and date him, that will psychologically put a lot of pressure on him, since a lot of new relationships fizzle out. He'd be thinking: OMG, she moved all this way to be near me. What if I start not feeling it with her?

That's the cons of the situation. But if you want to give an LDR a chance you can address that with him and see if he's on the same page about a plan. As far as a forever friendship with him, that might not pan out when one or both of you gets a serious partner. New partners aren't always comfortable with their SO being friends with someone whereas their's been a sort of spark between them.

[fairytale02]

I don’t know his relationship history exactly, I know that he dated with a girl I guess during last year but I heard that it was a short amount of time they were together. I am not certain how long he dated because he didn’t tell me he dated. I heard from my mom and she heard it from his mother. 
I always assume I know him but you are right people can change and I didn’t see all of the aspects of him, especially when he is in a relationship. 
LDR can be tough I agree and I will be very busy with my school work so it could be extra challenging to get into a relationship right now.
I actually want to figure out my feelings first before I think about the relationship. I know there are lots of things to consider but I think it would be better to feel certain of my feelings. 
Thank you for your answer and time 😊

 

[ShySoul]

Feelings aren't about logic. It's not about what looks good on paper. It's not about his past relationships. It's not about the complications that may or may not arise in the future. It's about embracing the present, living fully in the moment, and trusting what your heart tells you.

Developing feelings for a friend can be difficult. It can be scary. You want to let them know, but you don't want the risk of them not feeling the same. You don't want to do something that might hurt the friendship that you value. Just as you didn't want to say anything out of fear of losing the relationship, he probably feels the same. He is willing to give it a go, but doesn't want to pressure you as you are important to him. If you are interested, I think he would jump at the opportunity. But if you aren't, then he is okay continuing things as they are. The most important thing to a person who has fallen for their friend, is to have that person in their life, even if it means you love them from afar, unrequited.

On touching, are you generally okay with friends or loved ones touching you, or do you prefer a lot of personal space? Outside of maybe a couple people, I don't like anyone getting near me. I feel very awkward and uncomfortable, even with people I love. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't have to be a sign you aren't interested in someone. I'm shy to and the thought of letting someone in that much physically, even when I might be thinking of a relationship with them, still makes me nervous. When I was your age with no experience, it was even more nervewracking.

Stop thinking about it and go with your feelings, your instinct. Do you look forward to being around this person? When you are together, does it feel like you had never been apart and you could spend countless hours with him without growing tired of it? Is this someone who gets and understands you? Does he treat you with respect? Does he randomly pop up in your thoughts and make you smile?

[shouldhavelearned]

Make a move 

[Kwothe28]

“Having a feelings” and “making it work” are two different things. I would say from your story that yes, you do have a feelings for that guy. But that due to LDR and your obligations with school, you cant commit to the relationship. So you would just probably ruin friendship. Which isn’t really friendship in a friendship sense when you both have romantic feelings to each other. So its maybe not that bad thing.

I would also be inclined to ask whether there are another men interested in you at the moment. As, this is maybe just something you entertain because there are no other prospects right now.

[fairytale02]

Thank you for your answer ShySoul, it was very helpful. 😊 I am okay with my loved ones touching me but mostly I prefer my space. Or I don't initiate hugs or kisses. 

Actually, I do look forward when I think about it now. It isn't like we haven't seen each other for months, it is easy to get things going from where we left out. 

[fairytale02]

Thank you for your answer Kwothe28 😊 There is someone I have been talking online since 2 months. He said he likes me, but I said I am not sure and we should see each other face-to-face. He plans to come to my hometown. And, I mentioned this and him to my childhood friend yesterday. He was surprised that I am talking someone online in this regard, he said he wouldn't trust. He is right of course, one should always be cautious. Maybe I shouldn't have said this to him because nothing is certain with my online friend but I prefer open communication. Even though, now thinking about it. he doesn't tell me everything about his dating life. He just talked about once that he did chase girls during his school years. I am not saying he should say everything maybe he does this because he doesn't want to talk about other girls when he is with me.

[smackie9]

He has romantic feelings for you, so he is no longer a friend...he's a man interested in dating you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@fairytale02from what I read and your thread title your question is if you have romantic feelings for him not whether he has feelings for you. 

To your question, a couple of things:

18 hours ago, fairytale02 said:

I didn’t think of the idea if I like him romantically. I was afraid to ask him whether he likes me or not because I didn’t want to lose his friendship.

^Be honest with yourself.  You never thought about him in any way other than a friend.  You never felt romantic attraction to him and the only reason you question your own feelings now is because he seems to like you and wants more than friendship with you.

This is not how romantic attraction and feelings work.  You can't (and shouldn't) force or talk yourself into feeling attraction or feelings for someone just because they like you and want more.  

18 hours ago, fairytale02 said:

Now that we talked about this, I found myself thinking again whether I like him.

18 hours ago, fairytale02 said:

I don’t think about him all the time to be honest and when he hugs me or puts his head on my shoulder to relax, I feel kinda weird.

If you like someone I would be comfortable with his touch. 

You're absolutely spot on here^.  His physical touch kinda repels you and makes you uncomfortable. This indicates that no you do not have romantic feelings for him beyond friendship and are trying to force yourself to because he likes you. 

Again this is not how attraction and chemistry works.

I realize you probably want to like him because you feel comfortable and vulnerable around him but again if the thought of him kissing you, holding you, touching you in a romantic way makes you feel weird, uncomfortable, awkward then that's your answer. 

No you don't.  He's a good friend and nothing more. 

It's possible this may end the friendship which happens sometimes when one person (him) becomes romantically attracted and wants more and the other person (you) doesn't.

But that's no reason to push or force feelings that simply aren't there. 

Try and trust your own instincts and feelings more; my take is you've known all along you don't like him in a romantic way but because you're inexperienced, you questioned yourself and don't trust your own feelings (or lack thereof).

Give yourself more credit, your instincts and awareness are good! Trust them.

When you meet a man who generates all the "right" feelings in you, you won't have to "think about it," you will know it and will no longer need to question it.

As far as pursuing an actual relationship, whether it's long distance or local, that comes after you both acknowledge romantic feelings for each other.

In your case, that hasn't happened and imo based on what you've posted, won't because I don't think the feelings are there for you. 

JMO.  Only you can know that for certain. 

 

 

 

[fairytale02]

Thank you, @rainbowsandroses for your answer and time. You gave me another insight, and thank you for your kind words about my instincts and awareness are good. 😊