He won’t create boundaries with Ex

[ShySoul]

Curious why isthison can't just invite herself? She's an adult capable of making her own decisions and going on a trip if she wants. If she wants to celebrate Jacob's birthday as well, why shouldn't she? That would at least solve the current issue, everyone can go on the trip. 

And lost in all this is that it is Jacob making this request to begin with, not Lisa or the husband. I'd be interested to know what his thinking is on everything and why he is asking for it. Maybe isthison should speak to him and they should discuss how his requests are affecting her and her marriage? Maybe none of this would be an issue if they could come to an understanding between themselves?

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Curious why isthison can't just invite herself? She's an adult capable of making her own decisions and going on a trip if she wants. If she wants to celebrate Jacob's birthday as well, why shouldn't she? That would at least solve the current issue, everyone can go on the trip. 

And lost in all this is that it is Jacob making this request to begin with, not Lisa or the husband. I'd be interested to know what his thinking is on everything and why he is asking for it. Maybe isthison should speak to him and they should discuss how his requests are affecting her and her marriage? Maybe none of this would be an issue if they could come to an understanding between themselves?

How awkward and uncomfortable to be somewhere where you are not wanted. If she was wanted and welcome on the trip, she’d have been invited directly or included in the invitation with her husband.

To be honest, it isn’t really about the trip. Even if she invited herself and went, it wouldn’t change the fact that she was not wanted there and that she was essentially given an ultimatum to accept something that is inappropriate, or hit the pavement. That her feelings were neither considered or respected and the potential loss of his wife if she chose not to accept his terms and conditions did not seem to bother him highlights his utter lack of love and commitment to his partner.

The trip doesn’t matter at this point, but it put into stark contrast the dire situation OP’s relationship is in. I also hope OP has far too much self respect and dignity to invite herself along on the trip.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Curious why isthison can't just invite herself? She's an adult capable of making her own decisions and going on a trip if she wants. If she wants to celebrate Jacob's birthday as well, why shouldn't she? That would at least solve the current issue, everyone can go on the trip. 

And lost in all this is that it is Jacob making this request to begin with, not Lisa or the husband. I'd be interested to know what his thinking is on everything and why he is asking for it. Maybe isthison should speak to him and they should discuss how his requests are affecting her and her marriage? Maybe none of this would be an issue if they could come to an understanding between themselves?

To me that would be rude and interfering. She can go separately to Vegas and stay separately and tell them she will be in town should they want to meet up.  That would create so many more problems IMO and poor Jacob who would have to deal with his dad's wife interfering in his birthday.

My friend's son just turned 21.  He and his wife/the mom planned a night out in Manhattan.  The plan was for the son to have his friends have dinner at a trendy place in the city and meanwhile the parents would sit at a separate table not nearby - my sense is they wanted to be there because some of the friends were not yet 21 and perhaps some of the kids hadn't been to Manhattan on their own/weren't allowed to drive in the city etc.

The son ended up telling his parents -no I want you both at the table with my friends to celebrate.  My friend was so touched -but no he'd never have insisted on being at that table.

My inlaws twice told me to plan a bday party at a restaurant for their son -first for his 30th bday then for his 40th.  Both times they said -we want to pay - and we are not coming -we want this to be for our son and your friends only.  Had they showed up/invited themselves it would have been upsetting -yes, even though they were paying - certainly had they changed their minds I totally would have said yes please come!! But to me there are reasons parties like that are planned in a specific way for a milestone bday - reasons why there are often separate celebrations of a milestone bday. 

Why some are included and some are not.  I was once told to step away from a family type photo at my niece's wedding -I'd been holding one of her new baby cousins -the child of her uncle -and his new wife. The new wife asked me to step away -why? Because my sister was divorced from her husband's brother and it was "awkward". Yes I was slightly offended -I mean I'd been holding one of her  babies! - but she didn't want any issues with a photo that included me.  So in this case if I were the husband I'd tell the son - I don't want any awkwardness with my wife - and it will be if I go on a vacation as if I am still married to your mother or with your mother.  As you know I am not and I don't want any impresison that I am. Let's figure out an alternative.  

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

How awkward and uncomfortable to be somewhere where you are not wanted. If she was wanted and welcome on the trip, she’d have been invited directly or included in the invitation with her husband.

To be honest, it isn’t really about the trip. Even if she invited herself and went, it wouldn’t change the fact that she was not wanted there and that she was essentially given an ultimatum to accept something that is inappropriate, or hit the pavement. That her feelings were neither considered or respected and the potential loss of his wife if she chose not to accept his terms and conditions did not seem to bother him highlights his utter lack of love and commitment to his partner.

The trip doesn’t matter at this point, but it put into stark contrast the dire situation OP’s relationship is in. I also hope OP has far too much self respect and dignity to invite herself along on the trip.

^^Well said @Lotus. 

With respect to bolded, I'm rather shocked it was even suggested as a solution. I was taught it's rude to invite yourself.... anywhere.

I'd never do it, I always wait for the invite.  

And especially in a situation like this where the entire situation is so very inappropriate, insensitive and frankly cruel with ultimatums being made etc.

Anyway....

@Isthisonhasn't returned but if you are still reading, hope you're okay and all the best whatever you decide.

Take care. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Curious why isthison can't just invite herself? She's an adult capable of making her own decisions and going on a trip if she wants. If she wants to celebrate Jacob's birthday as well, why shouldn't she?

Because one would have to be missing some pretty big social cues and a serious amount of self-respect to invite themselves where they are not wanted. 

That's why. 

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Because one would have to be missing some pretty big social cues and a serious amount of self-respect invite themselves where they are not wanted. 

That's why. 

Right. It’s not about the trip. It’s about the disrespectful ultimatum and the open disregard for the marriage.

The OP can’t solve that.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Because one would have to be missing some pretty big social cues and a serious amount of self-respect invite themselves where they are not wanted. 

That's why. 

Yup.  A lack of social awareness

[ShySoul]

On 7/6/2024 at 11:39 PM, ShySoul said:

And lost in all this is that it is Jacob making this request to begin with, not Lisa or the husband. I'd be interested to know what his thinking is on everything and why he is asking for it. Maybe isthison should speak to him and they should discuss how his requests are affecting her and her marriage? Maybe none of this would be an issue if they could come to an understanding between themselves?

Curious that everyone commented on the other part and missed this part. Wonder why Jacob got the free pass instead of figuring out why he is the one wanting something that caused the problems in the first place.

Isthison, if you ever read this, I hope you are in a better place in the relationship and took the time to talk things out with everyone involved. It's not an easy situation, navigating the feelings of all four people involved. I hope you can find peace and happiness with whatever you decided is right for you.