husband is mad at my spending

[Blueskies8]

A part of me feels like I’m not in the wrong here but I just really need an outsiders perspective. I am a SAHM of four who financially relies on my husband. Over the years I’ve become low maintenance and I do not spend any money outside of the weekly online order for groceries. Groceries are pretty high rn, so I admit that I’m spending a lot more now than I needed to years ago, but I genuinely feel I cannot spend any less than I already do. I placed an order yesterday for a few items we needed and I decided to add a $12 firework on the order. My husband is adamantly against large crowds and public places, and having been together for 8 years, I already know we won’t be going to watch fireworks on the 4th. I just wanted the kids to have SOMETHING that day. He picks up the order, sees the firework, and gets MAD. He says that I hid the fact that I bought it from him because I told him about the other items but not this. I told him I didn’t think it was necessary because it was only $12, but really I knew there would be a problem so I didn’t mention it. For that, I’m wrong I know. He says that I am disrespectful and that I’m basically lying and hiding things from him when I think it’ll make him upset. We have argued in the past about similar stuff, and I just feel like a child having to get his approval for all purchases, no matter how small they are. I oblige most of the time to avoid a fight or the cold shoulder but really I feel like I should be able to make small purchases on my own without approval. I’ve told him before that I don’t think it’s right that I don’t have access to the bank accounts or credit cards. Within the last year he opened up a bank account and credit card in my name, but he’s an authorized user on both accounts and there is less than $100 available for me to spend. I’ve never touched the cards because I feel like it’s just to say “look you have something, stop complaining!” I thought maybe we’re really struggling with money because he’s ALWAYS complaining about my spending for groceries but recently I broke down saying I wish we had more money because the stress of it all was weighing on my mental health. He told me to stop worrying because we’re fine, and he told me how much we have in savings. I was surprised by how much we have because it’s always SUCH a big deal if I spend anything extra. He always says that it’s a respect thing. I feel like I can’t talk to him about it because then he will be upset at me for thinking badly of him or treating him like a villain. It’s always “wow, that’s how you think of me. That’s fine.” I’ll try to backtrack because I’m not trying to attack him, I just want him to understand how I feel but he will say “no, it’s okay. I see how you truly think of me.” It’s not about the firework, I just wanted to do something fun with the kids and I feel like such a child for being “in trouble” because of it. I’ll have to deal with the anger and cold shoulder for the rest of the week now. 

[LootieTootie]

So he jumped down your throat because ONE time, you decided to spend TWELVE dollars for the kids? 

Here's what I think. I think your husband is self-centered, controlling spiteful and manipulative. I am offended for you that he thinks of you so little. You have no say in this relationship as long as he has control of the finances.

Have you thought about getting a job so you don't have to rely on him for $ ? 

I know childcare is expensive but do you have a family member who can help with the kids?

My husband pretty much makes decisions (except for 2 things) about what we spend money on but he isn't going to freak out about little things as long as I don't have a pattern of buying things we don't need. I don't think you did anything wrong, like going on a shopping spree or purchasing something with a high price tag.

Also why do you put up with the cold shoulders? He talks about you being disrespectful and he doesn't realize that giving someone, who happens to be the mother of your children, the cold shoulder is just plain rude. I don't know where he thinks that type of behavior can win you over. It would just demoralize me.

[TeeDee]

I suggest you get a sense of how much you could earn outside the house & then figure out how much childcare, meal prep  & a cleaning service will cost.  Present those figures to your husband & hopefully seeing it in black & white will cause him to shut his trap.  He clearly doesn't value your contributions to the household. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Wow... That was tough to read.

He's a controlling person who likes to see you plead for some approval and suffer.

A healthier partner would give you a card with a good balance and no need for approvals unless it's a big purchase. You're an adult and his partner, and he would trust your judgment.

Sigh... I'm afraid what your partner exhibits is a personally trait. He's a controlling and manipulative person using wanting to be financially safe as a BS excuse. You can't change it hun'.

You need a better man at this point... But can you workaround with what you got until then? Do you have any family member who could financially lend you a hand so you can confidentially (and off record) seek legal advice? I'm sorry it's like this.

What he does is unacceptable and he refuses to acknowledge the behaviour. Please let that sink in, and know you are worthy of good treatment as a woman and mother.

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, Blueskies8 said:

He always says that it’s a respect thing. I feel like I can’t talk to him about it because then he will be upset at me for thinking badly of him or treating him like a villain.

 Speaking of "respect" he could use a few lessons, himself.  He needs to grow up, and treat you as an adult.

You have every right to speak up, otherwise he'll continue to feel he has you over a barrel. You're better off showing your self-respect, where, he'll either sink or swim.  yet he'll get the message, and hopefully he'll be singing a different tune.

[itsallgrand]

He's got an abusive streak. However, this is exactly why I think it's every woman's responsibility - not choice, but your responsibility to yourself and kids - to provide financially. It's never ever up to someone else to do this for you. 

[Seraphim]

Can you work from home ? I created my own home daycare so I could be home for my health and my adult child’s disability. I charged $45 a day per child . 

[Batya33]

When I was a SAHM for 7 years I felt better contributing half the rent from my expenses.  It was my idea to contribute $$.  To me you are contributing financially if the alternative was to pay $$ for daycare/sitters/nannies.  Whose idea was it to stay home? For my husband and me it was a joint decision.  I think it might be time to start doing something from home/part time and maybe barter babysitting with friends?

[Cherylyn]

What a control freak!  Not that this happens in all marriages but there tends to be more respect when the wife is employed.  It is rare to be able to afford to be a SAHM nowadays.  You might want to start thinking about seeking employment and either supplement your husband's income or eclipse him.  You can work from home as well.  This is how you get your power and have more of a voice in your marriage.   Your husband controls the marriage because he's the sole breadwinner.

Despite your inferior status in his eyes,  his mistreatment of you is terrible.  You should have access to bank accounts and credit cards.  It's awful that the credit cards are in your name yet he is the one who has free reign to charge to them.  So let me get this straight,  in the event of a financial fiasco,  you are the one to take the fall and not your husband?  😡

You need to start thinking about your financial independence because I don't see you surviving in a miserable marriage like this.  You need to figure out how to be economically strong on your own.  Money gives you independence and power.  No one can tell you what to do nor order you around.  Those days are over. 

This is the 21st century,  not the 1930s and prior to that anymore.  Get with the times!  Barefoot and pregnant days are over!  Women are financially strong and powerful nowadays. 

I've sat on both sides of the fence.  I was a SAHM and my husband always deferred to me as your husband should to you as his wife and the mother of his children.  He's extremely disrespectful and abusive.  Remember,  money is power in this world.  Go get it.

[Batya33]

I think women who marry on the younger side can’t afford to be SAHM because they likely don’t have savings to contribute to the family income. And a husband who - understandably these days - cannot afford to be the primary provider. I had the downside of marrying and becoming a mom much later but the upside of having planned for SAHM when I was single so I could contribute as needed. It wasn’t needed but I needed it and so I share the wisdom and echo what Cheryln wrote that in certain marriages rhe dynamic is greatly impacted by who contributes money instead of in kind as in child care. 
I also agree that of course he shouldn’t control spending in the way he does. Or control access to the extent he does.
 

I think each couple should decide - what is the $ amount limit you can spend without consulting with the other spouse. So it might be $50 - if he wants a $50 something- whether a thing or a monthly subscription to a certain game or tv network- he checks in. For us it’s more than $50 and we actually don’t have a specific amount but more of an understood amount.

also I believe in joint and separate accounts.

In your situation I’d see the writing on the wall and start making some $ - and putting some away in a separate account. Not hidden. But yours. Take care. . 

[Cherylyn]

Start figuring out your trajectory in your life possibly without your husband in the picture.  Seek economic independence because your economic independence will give you more choices in your life.  Where there is a will,  there is a way.

Also,  as a mother teach your children the importance of never depending on any man or woman for their financial survival.  It's an extremely important and helpful life lesson.