I'm so confused, lost and questioning myself

[lsuckAtThis]

Just a warning, this will be long.

My girlfriend and I (both now in our 40's) have been dating/together about 10 years, with about a 8-10 month break. Shortly after covid, when places started opening back up, we split up due her life dynamically changing after getting involved with CrossFit. We both used to do traditional (bodybuilding) workouts, now just me as she moved on to CrossFit. She would stay out late during the week after her classes, she would then start going out with them on the weekends. When she was home, her face was buried in her phone in their group chat. It just escalated from there and I was left alone. So we broke up and I moved out and have been renting a place since.

During that break up, we have tried to work things out but they always fell short so we would go back to our own separate ways, that only last a month or two before trying again. The last time we agreed to give it another try was about two years ago, maybe a little less but everything seemed to be working....until last weekend. 

Edit: Every since this "working it out" again, we mainly spend time on the weekends, so two days sometimes three days a week at the most. We have done a few trips and vacations together. 

So she has been inviting me out with her group of friends she met from CrossFit since we have agreed in trying to make this work, I believe it's been a total of five times. They only talk about a couple things, CrossFit and the dramas there. If they're not talking about their workouts or "the work out of they day", it's about who's hooking up with who and who has hooked up with who. Which seems very common in CrossFit, as she would tell me stories when she got in with her group. 

So these last two times I was out with them, this new guy showed up twice. The first time he showed up, she told me who he was. Said "Oh 'his name' is here". Told me he usually does a different class then her during the week but on some weekends he's in her class. Said he's married with kids but thinks he's unhappy in his marriage. I just said "Oh ok", really didn't pay any attention to it. He came over to our table and she said hey 'his name', this is my boyfriend. He sat at the other table and everything continued on. Again, all the conversations were about CrossFit and hooking up/infidelity going on at their gym. 

We moved outside to some picnic tables, I sit at the one in the back. My GF is standing between the two so she can talk to her group. She eventually sits down at my table, but across from me with her back facing me. This guy comes and sits next to her and lays his arms on the table, so his right arm is laying behind her. No big deal, I didn't think anything of it. After a while he puts his hand on her thigh and starts talking to her, I don't know about what. I didn't ask, she didn't tell but he had his hand on her thigh for a while during their conversation. She's wearing shorts so it's skin on skin. We left and I didn't mention anything about it.

Last weekend, we all meet up again. He also shows up, comes up and says hi then sits at a different table. Again, everybody having the same conversations. The night was ending and we were getting ready to leave. He walked up to her to give her a hug goodbye, hands on her hips/waist but when they finished their hug, he kept one hand on her hip while talking to her. About what, don't know but now I really don't like what I've been seeing. So on our way back to her house, she mentions how she had a good time. I told her how I felt about their conversations, how it feels like I'm back in high school with all the drama and hooking up talk. She didn't like that and said well these are my friends and they bring me happiness. After that it was a silent drive and when we got to her house, I just went home. 

We had a talk the next day and I told her one thing I did not appreciate is that guy having his hands on you and it made me feel disrespected and boundaries were crossed. She told me not to worry about him, she did no wrong and she can handle herself. She said those were his actions and not hers. I said correct, you can't control his actions but you can control the outcome.

She then informs me that he once was "aggressive" to her early on but she has put an end to that and has purposely distanced herself from him. She asked what she could have done to make that situation better for me, I said simply move his hand. She said I should have done that if I didn't like it, which I do not agree with because what happens when I'm not there. She feels there's nothing wrong with another guy having his hand on her thigh or on her hip. Said if another guy tries to feel her "intimate" parts, stomach, butt, chest etc. that's when she would put a stop to it. She finds it unmanageable and unreasonable to be constantly worried about what social interaction may be viewed as too flirtatious or crossing my boundaries. She said just because I find those areas to be intimate areas doesn't mean she feels that way.

I ended the conversation with thanks for showing me his actions mean more than my feelings and that I am not interested is sharing with I value to be intimate, sensual and deserving with other guys. 

I feel so drained over this, questioning myself. Questions like is it me? Is it me that is making nothing out of something? It's been two days of telling her my feelings about this and her saying "well I don't fell that way, what about my feelings". 

I think this is pretty much over, run its course. Her and I are not seeing eye to eye on this, and the only solution is for me to accept other guys touching her like that, because her feelings. I just can't understand why she is neglecting my feelings in this.    

 

[TeeDee]

How awful for you.  It's one thing if it was a glancing touch but that guy's hand on her thigh was territorial & highly disrespectful toward you. 

IMO you have the reconciliation a fair shot -- 2 years -- but Cross Fit & her new "friends" are more important than you are.  

Knowing where you rank, you have decide what you want to do, assuming you will always be 2nd fiddle.  

[smackie9]

Off and on relationships don't work for the long haul. Should have seen her behavior as a big red flag the first go around. She totally dissed ya, so it's time to send her to the curb because she won't / doesn't liste.n.

[lsuckAtThis]

57 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

How awful for you.  It's one thing if it was a glancing touch but that guy's hand on her thigh was territorial & highly disrespectful toward you. 

IMO you have the reconciliation a fair shot -- 2 years -- but Cross Fit & her new "friends" are more important than you are.  

Knowing where you rank, you have decide what you want to do, assuming you will always be 2nd fiddle.  

She has never came out and said CrossFit and her new friends mean more than me, but she has said they are a very important part of her life. 

The more and more I think about this, I can't help to feel like she is controlling. She wants me to change and/or adjust things about me that bother her. Nothing like what she what has done, more along the lines of traits and habits I have that annoy her. Like sniffling my nose. She self diagnosed herself with "Misophonia" via Google, ever since I am the one that needs to carter to her. I am the one that needs to go to a doctor and see if removing my sinuses would eliminate my sniffling.    

[JoyfulCompany]

13 minutes ago, lsuckAtThis said:

She has never came out and said CrossFit and her new friends mean more than me, but she has said they are a very important part of her life. 

Well, she kinda showed her priorities and that was the reason you split up:

4 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

When she was home, her face was buried in her phone in their group chat. It just escalated from there and I was left alone.

And for what? For superficial gossiping and high-school-like drama about who did it with whom...

Also this:

4 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

She finds it unmanageable and unreasonable to be constantly worried about what social interaction may be viewed as too flirtatious or crossing my boundaries.

is huge exaggeration. It's not about constant worries or ambiguous social norms - it's a very clear boundary. It's about you not being comfortable with her comfort of another man keeping his hands onto her.

I don't think she respects you too much acting like she's clueless and dismissing you like that. It's not rocket science to understand that boundary - it only needs a drop of care and consideration.
Maybe it's time for an off & done this time.

[lsuckAtThis]

38 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

is huge exaggeration. It's not about constant worries or ambiguous social norms - it's a very clear boundary. It's about you not being comfortable with her comfort of another man keeping his hands onto her.

I don't think she respects you too much acting like she's clueless and dismissing you like that. It's not rocket science to understand that boundary - it only needs a drop of care and consideration.
Maybe it's time for an off & done this time.

In a way, that is what I've told her. She just says that her feelings also matter and she doesn't see it as being an issue. Said she didn't feel uncomfortable with his hands on her so I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. Throws in my face it's because I don't trust her. No matter how many times I tell her, it is not a trust thing, it is a boundary and respect thing she still believes it's a trust issue. 

But now I am thinking, how can I trust her if she doesn't respect me or my boundaries. 

[Batya33]

Agree with the others -separately I know of people involved in Crossfit and their FB posts are very similar in intensity and cliqueness to what you've described here.  I work out daily and I know I'd not be into that sort of intense focus on working out at Crossfit.

[rainbowsandroses]

There is something seriously seriously wrong with her thought process w/r/t proper boundaries.  I wouldn't waste time attempting to educate her, she seems rigid and closed-minded and I know from experience it's very difficult maintaining a healthy and happy RL with such a person.

6 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

I think this is pretty much over, run its course...

Totally agree!  The sooner the better.

Ten years is a long time so it won't be easy, or perhaps it WILL be easier than you think.

 

[yogacat]

She feels there's nothing wrong with another guy having his hand on her thigh or on her hip?

TBH I stopped reading here.

This sounds like too much of a hassle to me. I wouldn't put up with it or respect someone who acted like this.

[HeartGoesOn]

It sounds as if she's trying to turn the tables on you, in order to play the victim.  I believe she knows exactly what she's doing.

Since you're not at the top of her list, maybe it's time to close the door and move on. I'm sorry this you're in this situation...

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

I ended the conversation with thanks for showing me his actions mean more than my feelings and that I am not interested is sharing with I value to be intimate, sensual and deserving with other guys. 

You are exactly right and your feelings are valid. You two have grown in different directions. As for her, she's either definitely regressed or it's taken certain circumstances for her true self to be revealed to you.

She lets a married dirtbag be touchy feely with her, and I'm guessing it has gone further than that. This isn't the way to live your one precious life. Free yourself now to eventually find someone who treats you as the special person you are.

[Morello]

I am surprised you are still here asking for advice. Another man putting a hand on her thigh (right in front of you) and she letting him get away with it would be enough for me to call it quits right there (or after, so as not to make a scene). I am also surprised you said nothing to her right there and just let it happen. This showed her that you don't respect your own boundaries.

The fact that she doesn't see how disrespectful that was... I wouldn't be surprised if she's already cheating on you.

[lsuckAtThis]

Well we just had a talk. I actually texted her and asked if I could get a few things from her house and drop her key off. She asked if I could do that while she's there so we can talk. Said she'll be home soon and that she stayed late after her CrossFit class, an hour after her classed ended.  

It went kind of as expected, she was defensive and telling me I need to know that him touching her was in no way intimate or sensual for her, and it meant nothing to her. I told her I can understand that but it doesn't make the situation any better, and actually makes me worried. 

She then started saying how she's going to fear the next social outing, because she doesn't know if another guy is going to do something that crosses my boundaries and she either doesn't know or can't react fast enough. She said now she has to manage when guys come up to her and worry about if their actions are flirting or harmless/friendly. I told her I find it very hard to believe she can't tell the difference between the two and it's not that hard. 

I left by telling her that she is trying to control me and the relationship, and she's been controlling all along. That the only solution to this is for me not worry about other guys putting their hands on her because she don't care. I told her that she doesn't need to worry about "managing", such a hard job, or fearing her social outings because we are done.     

[jul-els]

Her boundaries are different than yours. You’ve established that there’s no middle ground. You have to either be okay with it or move on. 

[lsuckAtThis]

9 hours ago, Morello said:

Another man putting a hand on her thigh (right in front of you) and she letting him get away with it would be enough for me to call it quits right there

Can you explain this to me? How this would make you feel and why? 

9 hours ago, Morello said:

The fact that she doesn't see how disrespectful that was... I wouldn't be surprised if she's already cheating on you.

I can only take her word on it, but she told me last like "believe me I have been loyal to you". But she said it in a way like it was either an inconvenience for her, or a tough time for her. 

[jul-els]

You two have grown apart. Different interests, different values. You’re going through the motions. It's time to let it go. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

She then started saying how she's going to fear the next social outing, because she doesn't know if another guy is going to do something that crosses my boundaries and she either doesn't know or can't react fast enough.

Pfft, BS. 

I am assuming she did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday. She knows most men would not be okay with her behaviour and doesn't want to admit that she likes this man's hands on her. I can nearly guarantee you these two have more history than she is letting on. They are way too comfortable with each other, and especially right in front of you. 

Nah. Get rid of her. You should have stayed broken up. Free yourself to find someone else who actually respects you and is into you. This woman is not it anymore. 

[lsuckAtThis]

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She knows most men would not be okay with her behaviour and doesn't want to admit that she likes this man's hands on her.

I asked her this, if she likes other men's hands on you. She said not in an intimate or sensual way and that she only likes my hands on her in that way. But her intimate and sensual areas are her stomach, chest, butt, neck. She said those are the areas where she draws the line, and mentioned it has happened before with someone from her CrossFit. Another married guy, was dancing with her and tried to feel on her butt and she said she put an end to that. 

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I can nearly guarantee you these two have more history than she is letting on

I also asked her this, if they ever had anything going on and she said absolutely not and never. She said she has known him for four years, since she started CrossFit and during out first breakup he was very aggressive and flirtatious towards her, but since then she has put an end to that and has distanced herself from him.   

[yogacat]

10 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

I left by telling her that she is trying to control me and the relationship, and she's been controlling all along. That the only solution to this is for me not worry about other guys putting their hands on her because she don't care. I told her that she doesn't need to worry about "managing", such a hard job, or fearing her social outings because we are done.     

Good for you! Had you stayed, it would have been constant drama, the latest liar and cheater in her life. She's more into CrossFit and the dopamine rush it provides her. Translation, she is more into her self image than she is into you. 

Farewell, farewell, I bid you adieu. 

[TeeDee]

16 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

 Said she didn't feel uncomfortable with his hands on her so I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. Throws in my face it's because I don't trust her.

Basically she gave you the finger using his hand.  It's not about comfort or trust.  It's about respect.  

This other guy wants her & she knows that.  Since she knows his intentions, she should have been sitting next to you & not allowed more than superficial touching. She's lying to you about putting distance in the "friendship."  At the very least she gets off on making you jealous.  By putting his hand on her thigh, he was claiming her making you come across as a cuckold.  Sorry.  

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

I told her that she doesn't need to worry about "managing", such a hard job, or fearing her social outings because we are done.     

How did she respond to "we are done"?

You left the most important part out - her reaction! 

Are you really done?  Or was it simply a threat or ultimatum, words spoken in the moment out of anger? 

 

[lsuckAtThis]

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How did she respond to "we are done"?

You left the most important part out - her reaction! 

Are you really done?  Or was it simply a threat or ultimatum, words spoken in the moment out of anger? 

 

She pretty much sat there in silence, said she has a lot to think about. I said there is nothing to think about, we are done. You don't have to worry about managing or fearing your next social outing because you didn't respect me/us before and there's no need to respect me/us now.

She also said at one point that she has always been loyal to me and something like this make her feel like being loyal doesn't matter. I told her this has nothing to do with being loyal, it's about my boundaries, respecting my boundaries and respecting the relationship. 

[lsuckAtThis]

48 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Basically she gave you the finger using his hand.  It's not about comfort or trust.  It's about respect.  

This other guy wants her & she knows that.  Since she knows his intentions, she should have been sitting next to you & not allowed more than superficial touching. She's lying to you about putting distance in the "friendship."  At the very least she gets off on making you jealous.  By putting his hand on her thigh, he was claiming her making you come across as a cuckold.  Sorry.  

She tried justifying his actions by saying that's just how it is, he's touchy feely and it's not her being touchy feely with him.  

[TeeDee]

It may be how he is but she tolerated it.  That part is on her.  She had all sorts of ways to stop him.  She didn't because she didn't want to stop him.  She liked sitting by him instead of you.  She liked having his hand on her thigh.  

[LootieTootie]

You did the right thing by breaking up with her. Nobody deserves that type of treatment and the sniffing thing, oh gosh, she sounds so high maintenance. Glad you're able to see clearly and I would just implore you to so some self-reflection during the break-up.

Our partners are a reflection of who we are so you need to ask yourself why you chose to stay with her even tho she was controlling and had little regard of your feelings. 

Any way, good luck to your journey onward.