I feel like I have a problem

[Octo1757]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m almost addicted to chasing people. I will go from one person to the next so fast. It’s like I don’t even spend time to process losing them. This year alone I think I’ve been with 2 girls, I’ve told at least 3 girls I like them, and had several really odd half-dating situations. I feel so attached to these people when I’m with them, but the second it ends, I just forget about them like it was all nothing. It makes me unsettled about myself, but I can’t stop. I have backups upon backups, and I feel so guilty, but at the same time, I know I’m not going to stop. I’ve only ever loved once. She wasn’t allowed to date me. I miss the time period where we were sort of between friends and dating. Unfortunately, I messed that up, and we are now just simply friends. Every time I talk to her, I think about the current person I’m with/pursuing. It just makes me feel so sad because she’s the only one I really want to be with. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to move on, but I know I have to. And how do I fix my problem? I’m doing things that aren’t fair to the people I chase. Please help me. I don’t want to hurt people. I feel like that’s all I can do.

[yogacat]

I'd suggest not dating until you get your head straight but I don't know if that's realistic for you. It behooves you though to be straightforward with people and tell them you don't want anything serious because you have a tendency to get attached very easily and quickly. That way they know what they are getting into.

Do you feel like you cannot go for any amount of time without dating someone? Are you compulsively swiping and matching on dating apps and going out with anyone who shows interest?

If this is the case, you may want to seek therapy to work on the root causes of these behaviors and learn healthy coping mechanisms and strategies for building self-worth and self-esteem, so you don't rely on external sources for validation and attention.

I'd also go out on a limb and say fear is a big component of why you do what you do based on the part about your ex...

At least you recognize that it's a problem, which is a good start.

[Octo1757]

21 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Do you feel like you cannot go for any amount of time without dating someone? Are you compulsively swiping and matching on dating apps and going out with anyone who shows interest?

 

Basically, yes. I don’t do dating apps, but, irl, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

 

22 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I'd also go out on a limb and say fear is a big component of why you do what you do based on the part about your ex...

I don’t want to be alone. I just always want to be with someone. It makes me feel safe and comfortable. And I do care about everyone that I connect with. I genuinely care about them and I support them and make them feel good. I’ve just never achieved what I did with that one girl.

[Octo1757]

28 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It behooves you though to be straightforward with people and tell them you don't want anything serious because you have a tendency to get attached very easily and quickly.

Actually, that’s the issue. I want a committed relationship so badly that I will basically take anyone attracted to me. And I trick myself into thinking I like them too. I do take care of them and I never treat them badly, but the second it’s over I turn around and go to the next one without a second thought.

[yogacat]

20 minutes ago, Octo1757 said:

Actually, that’s the issue. I want a committed relationship so badly that I will basically take anyone attracted to me. 

I'm the opposite. 

Maybe you need to be more discerning. It's nice when others are attracted to us but that doesn't have to translate into "I must date this person."

[Octo1757]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I'm the opposite. 

Maybe you need to be more discerning. It's nice when others are attracted to us but that doesn't have to translate into "I must date this person."

No it doesn’t. But for some reason I will either take them or save them as a backup if I’m already with someone. I think of it like a collection. I’m collecting girls that like me. And that sickens me. I hate it. But I can’t stop.

[Batya33]

Don't ever chase anyone - because also it sounds like you like the thrill of the chase more than you are interested in the person.  Asking a person out is not chasing.  You don't "process" "losing" them because there's nothing to "process" and nothing lost. You never really knew the person and you never really wanted to - you like the thrill of the chase.  Get to know women - whether by dating them or meeting in a group or whatever -as individual people. Not as a challenge to be chased and won over.

Be honest with yourself about the person -are you interested in that person in a genuine way -do you want to hear about her daily life, her goals, how her past has shaped who she is? Do you desire to share your daily life with her because you find her input and reactions and sense of humor compatible, supportive, fun, intriguing? 

 

[Octo1757]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Be honest with yourself about the person -are you interested in that person in a genuine way -do you want to hear about her daily life, her goals, how her past has shaped who she is? Do you desire to share your daily life with her because you find her input and reactions and sense of humor compatible, supportive, fun, intriguing? 

 

Yes I am. As I said earlier I am very attached to the girl that I’m currently with. I treat them with utmost respect, I would never hurt them, and I do care entirely about her opinions and life. I want to know everything about them. I basically treat them exactly as if I would actually like about them. And for that time period, I do.

[Octo1757]

I know it doesn’t make sense. I know I’m not ok, and I probably need help. I don’t want to hurt anyone with this. I really don’t. I’m addicted to the game though. The game of romance and finding a partner. And I’m scared of being alone. Scared of not having someone’s shoulder to cry on. I’m actually a pretty sensitive person. I am always being praised by people that I am extremely sweet. And I’m not afraid to cry and things like that in front of people. I just feel like a sick person sometimes. 

[graphicdesigner]

It sounds like you're very codependent. You feel like you always need to be with someone and fear of being alone. Before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself first. Take some time and be alone. Enjoy your own company. There's something to be said about solitude. I've always been a loner, even while I was married for 26 years. Thankfully my husband understood and accepted that about me, so he let me go off on my own and spend time with my friends if needed. I was never one of those women who always needed or had a boyfriend, I just went with the flow and when I met someone, I was truly into them. 

Enjoy your time alone and with yourself. You'd be surprised how rewarding that can be.

Maybe you should look up Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous and see about attending a meeting or two. It's been really helpful for me.

[Octo1757]

Just now, graphicdesigner said:

It sounds like you're very codependent. You feel like you always need to be with someone and fear of being alone.

That’s the thing. That’s it right there. I’m terrified that I won’t have anyone to go to if I’ve had a hard day or I just need to talk about something. I crave that security that comfort. I’m a physical touch person and I love being able to have someone to hug. I become depressed when I don’t have someone to talk to or even just be with.

[graphicdesigner]

1 minute ago, Octo1757 said:

That’s the thing. That’s it right there. I’m terrified that I won’t have anyone to go to if I’ve had a hard day or I just need to talk about something. I crave that security that comfort. I’m a physical touch person and I love being able to have someone to hug. I become depressed when I don’t have someone to talk to or even just be with.

Do you have any friends that you could talk to and confide in? I talk to my friends about everything, and it really does help. Look up SLAA and there are others who are just like you (and me). Like I said, go to a meeting or two and you'd be surprised how common this is. You're not alone!

[Octo1757]

2 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

Do you have any friends that you could talk to and confide in? I talk to my friends about everything, and it really does help. Look up SLAA and there are others who are just like you (and me). Like I said, go to a meeting or two and you'd be surprised how common this is. You're not alone!

My friends are probably not like yours. To be honest, (and it’s honestly kind of ironic) a lot of my friends are people I’ve dated or tried to date. And my male friends are useless. And I’m actually a teenager. I’m not an adult. I can’t do that.

[yogacat]

16 minutes ago, Octo1757 said:

I know it doesn’t make sense.

It makes perfect sense.

You're chasing people because you're craving that feeling of being wanted and needed. You're terrified of being alone because you feel like you need someone to provide you with emotional support and make you feel secure. This pattern of chasing and "half-dating" isn't just about love, it's about your need for validation and comfort.

But please don't think that you're alone in the sense, that most people are chasing some artificial high, constantly moving from one source of validation to the next. It's a societal sickness that often goes unnoticed and isn't talked about openly enough because it's become so normalized to constantly seek validation from others.

It can be as simple as getting a like on social media, having someone flirt with us, or even receiving a compliment. We become addicted to these small moments of instant gratification because it temporarily boosts our self-esteem and makes us feel good.

The problem is that these short-term fixes are not sustainable and can actually do more harm than good in the long run. Chasing people and constantly seeking validation from them may give you temporary fulfillment, but it's not a healthy or fulfilling way to live.

So how do you break this cycle? Step one is acknowledging that it's not about the people you're chasing, it's about the validation and security you're seeking. Which, you seem keenly aware of, so that's great. From there, a good approach might be to start by building a better relationship with yourself.

Think about what truly makes you happy and fulfilled, independent of anyone else. Really, independent of anyone else. Not only does that mean not considering the validation, but also remaining happily secure without the insurance policy of relationship, if that makes sense.

[Octo1757]

45 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Think about what truly makes you happy and fulfilled, independent of anyone else. Really, independent of anyone else. Not only does that mean not considering the validation, but also remaining happily secure without the insurance policy of relationship, if that makes sense.

Thank you. Are you simply suggesting I get in touch with my hobby’s? Stop focusing on dating and focus on bettering myself? 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Octo1757 said:

Thank you. Are you simply suggesting I get in touch with my hobby’s? Stop focusing on dating and focus on bettering myself? 

Yes. What's wrong with that? Why do you need to constantly be with someone? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Octo1757 said:

Thank you. Are you simply suggesting I get in touch with my hobby’s? Stop focusing on dating and focus on bettering myself? 

What would  you do to "better yourself" -figure that out with real specifics.  When I was a  teenager I did this by getting involved in internships, doing well in school, being part of a youth group at my place of worship, did volunteer work.  I also worked part time - a doughnut shop! -and it gave me a different perspective on my world especially from interacting with the full time employees who had to work to make ends meet.  I tried not to focus inward to the exclusion of being a person who interacted with others including by giving and contributing in various ways.

[Octo1757]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Yes. What's wrong with that? Why do you need to constantly be with someone? 

I don’t know. I really don’t. But I’m going to try to be without someone.

[Octo1757]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What would  you do to "better yourself" -figure that out with real specifics.  When I was a  teenager I did this by getting involved in internships, doing well in school, being part of a youth group at my place of worship, did volunteer work.  I also worked part time - a doughnut shop! -and it gave me a different perspective on my world especially from interacting with the full time employees who had to work to make ends meet.  I tried not to focus inward to the exclusion of being a person who interacted with others including by giving and contributing in various ways.

I want to give. I like to think I’m a nice person or at least someone who wants to be nice. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Octo1757 said:

I don’t know. I really don’t. But I’m going to try to be without someone.

What's the longest you've gone without dating? You don't have to answer that but if it's slim to none, yes, you need to figure out why that is.

Simply throwing your hands up with "I don't know," is too limiting. Knowing why is the key to challenging yourself.

If you are using sex and possible relationships too much, beyond making it an activity, to salve boredom, anxiety, loneliness, or depression, well, yea, you should work on that.

That's addiction territory. 

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, Octo1757 said:

That’s the thing. That’s it right there. I’m terrified that I won’t have anyone to go to if I’ve had a hard day or I just need to talk about something. I crave that security that comfort. I’m a physical touch person and I love being able to have someone to hug. I become depressed when I don’t have someone to talk to or even just be with.

I can relate partially to your situation, but not fully. As an adult looking back to my teen years, I came up with some theories why I grew depressed when I lacked a boyfriend.  I think it was for two reasons: one, that I had suffered from anxiety/depression from a very young age that was never addressed and I received no treatment from that. So I think having a bf might have been a distraction from that and left me with less time in my own head to dwell on my misery, and having these male fans in my life who paid a lot of attention to me became something I craved as some crave other addictions like alcohol, gambling, etc.

two: Though my parents weren't horrible, the majority of the time, they were never physically affectionate with me and my brothers. I've never once been given a warm bear hug from either of them. There was some emotional distance as well. I'd never once had either of them sit down with me for serious talks, such as how I was handling a move across country at age 12. (if they'd asked, they might've found out I was really having a nervous breakdown).

Therefore, when I had my first serious boyfriend, the physical affection and someone who actually cared about how my day went was thrilling and I developed too much of a need for it, even though I don't regret parts of my experiences. I did once read that the closer parents were to their children delayed when that child would start dating. 

Though you say you're treating whatever gf you have at the moment like gold, you're really not when you're keeping in contact with all these women you were once romantically involved with. And especially if you're flirting and giving false messages to a "harem," it's neither fair to your gf and it's also doing a disservice to yourself.

You cannot fully bond with one woman when you keep so many other women in your orbit. You're going to have to cut that behavior out or you will continue your pattern. Likely why you lost that one girl you wanted more with. Any decent woman will drop you fast when she finds out how you juggle a permanent group of women.

I've seen guys like you who act like harem masters. You say your guy friend are useless. My guess is that you don't even have any close male friends as it's a common thing for guys with harems to have no interest or time for any guy.

Time to come up with some rules for yourself. DO NOT date any woman you lack chemistry with. Do come up with a must-have and dealbreaker list and stick to it when choosing a partner. No more just accepting whoever steps into your path.

Be alone right now and practice self-soothing. Write in a journal if you want to express your feelings. See a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist and establish if you could use some treatment for depression. Exercise often helps with seratonin levels so find out what type of exercise you can have fun with and stick to. Sometimes a variety of exercises will keep you from getting bored. And if you aren't gelling with guy friends, seek out new ones you can have more in depth conversations with. Good way to find new friends is with a hobby you can be passionate about.

Good luck and let us know if any new behavioral changes you're making is working.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Octo1757 said:

I want to give. I like to think I’m a nice person or at least someone who wants to be nice. 

How are you planning to contribute and to whom and what plans do you have to implement wanting to be nice?