girlfriend's mother passed away but I wasn't invited to the funeral but...

[Adrian M]

My partner and I have been together for around 9 years. We are in our 50s so maybe a bit older than others here.

Her mother passed away last month.  My girlfriend never let me meet her mother in all these 9 years - she said she was worried what her mother would think of me (sounds bad so far if I read that as it is !).  I wasn't invited to the funeral and was allowed to play no part in it. I found out a few weeks later that our mutual male friend, Martin drove my partner and her sons to the funeral,  comforted her during the funeral, met all her family (that I've never met), and took her to the wake afterwards (I mean the social function afterwards where the family and friends eat, chat and drink and remember old times), and spent the entire day with her and her family consoling her.  She didn't mention this to me nor was I informed about it but I found out by chance afterwards.  

Not surprisingly I was very upset. 

Doesn't it mean she doesn't really see me as a partner or a boyfriend ? 

Doesn't it also mean she feels closer emotionally to Martin than me?

Doesn't it also mean she either considers him to be her partner or that she's hoping he will be by involving him in her major life events ?

Doesn't it also mean she has total disdain or contempt for me to involve him in that whole scenario and not me ? 

Does it also show she has a lack of respect for me to not even consider those things as being unusual ?

Am I right to be upset ?

I mean I think this is the end really,  and it hurts.  Is this the end ? If I read through the above it sounds like I'm a total walk over she has no respect for.

By the way she's highly intelligent (phd) and would be very aware of the impact it would have on me.

 

[tattoobunnie]

She lost her mom, but you made it all about you.  She may not see you as someone who could console her.

[Adrian M]

5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

She lost her mom, but you made it all about you.  She may not see you as someone who could console her.

Thanks, it's worthwhile to hear another point of view

[Cherylyn]

Let it go and take the high road.  Give her all the time and space she needs.  Don't broach the subject.  Have compassion and when she is ready for you,  offer your sincere condolences.  After that,  carry on with the relationship.  Be kind.  She lost her mother.  Don't make her feel worse than she already does and will for a long time. 

Her mother is dead and gone.  No sense instigating a fight over this. 

Be easy and go with the flow.  Pick your battles.

[shouldhavelearned]

Did she express why?

Why did you never meet Mom?

 

Be supportive and caring in this time of need.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Adrian M said:

By the way she's highly intelligent (phd) and would be very aware of the impact it would have on me.

This has nothing to do with that sort of intelligence at all.  I agree with Tattoo and since she never wanted you to meet her mom I'm not surprised she then wouldn't involve you in the funeral.  And she likely wanted a friend there for emotional support.  

[smackie9]

You had 9 years to really address this. A little too late now to dig up that old chestnut. 

[itsallgrand]

Now isn't the time. Leave it alone.

You've had 9 years to decide you weren't OK with her not introducing you. Why are doing this now? 

If you want more from the relationship, talk about it. ...after she has had real time to mourn, deal with the inevitable beauracracy too that comes with a parents death.

[Adrian M]

Thanks everyone, I really needed to hear the other side. I've messed up. I

 

[MissCanuck]

Why had you never met her mom in almost a decade?

[Adrian M]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why had you never met her mom in almost a decade?

My girlfriend said she was worried what her mum would think of me as she's very judgemental.

 

I'd just like to thank everyone who replied - what's startlingly obvious to a neutral observer needs to be said to someone like me who's wrapped up in his own thoughts. I've really messed up.

[TeeDee]

I'd be so hurt.  I would have trouble trusting her going forward.

You can't say anything now though or you are the bad guy.  She's grieving her mother.  By the time enough time has passed for you to be able to discuss it, the slight will be ancient history.  

  I probably would have forced the issue & demanded to be allowed to support her.  Did she think her judgmental mom was going to sit up from the casket to comment?  

[LootieTootie]

I think she was being respectful to her dead mom by not having you there because her mom would disapprove of you.

However saying that, I think you need to not say anything because she just lost her mom and you saying something would just be inconsiderate because it is not the time and place.

I also agree with Tattoo here. You guys had 9 years to address this.

[TeeDee]

4 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I think she was being respectful to her dead mom by not having you there because her mom would disapprove of you.

No self respecting 50 year old woman still needs mommy's approval.  This should have all been worked out years ago.  The OP should have been introduced to the mom while she was alive & then could have come to the funeral (or decided for himself that mom was such a pill he had no need to pay his respects).  

Basically IMO the GF disrespected him twice. 

[Andrina]

Do you live with your girlfriend? If Martin is your mutual friend, what did he say to you about all this? 

Is there a possibility she's living a double life? Are you a person who provides her with all her finances? Sounds like a strange way of life, where you've never met any of her family, so I'm trying to gauge the oddity of the situation.

[LootieTootie]

43 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

No self respecting 50 year old woman still needs mommy's approval.  This should have all been worked out years ago.  The OP should have been introduced to the mom while she was alive & then could have come to the funeral (or decided for himself that mom was such a pill he had no need to pay his respects).  

Basically IMO the GF disrespected him twice. 

Agree. Not sayin what she did was right but just what she was thinking her dead mom would want. 

 

[JoyfulCompany]

I'm sorry for her loss but the whole story sounds really strange - like you and your girlfriend are not really close. I'd assume you don't live together. You didn't meet her family, she didn't want you by her side in these difficult times, she didn't tell you how she got there...

How was the relationship before her mom passed away? Did you spend quality time together? Did you have a loving and committed relationship? Did you spend time with her and her sons, her friends? Does she know your family and friends? If all was alright up until recently, I would try to drop this single incident.
But even if it wasn't alright... man, it's really not a good moment to address anything or draw conclusions. As to how to support her - wether to be close or give her space - depends on your overall relationship, I guess, or you could ask her what she needs.

Did this Martin guy know the mother?

[Cherylyn]

Since you didn't broach the subject with all seriousness for 9 years or if you fell on her deaf ears,  now is late.  At this point,  carry on with the relationship while maintaining peace.  If this still bothers you,  perhaps she's not for you as in forever. 

[Kwothe28]

NGL, its not only strange that you never met her mother in 9 years, but to have another man there to console and not tell you. Makes me think "mutual friend" is something more to her. 

Its never late to adress some issues. You not allowed to go to the funeral is some childish stuff considering you have no beef with her family. If you didnt said your age I would have thought you were 20 year olds.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Adrian M said:

My girlfriend said she was worried what her mum would think of me as she's very judgemental.

What specifically did she think her mom would judge you for? 

[poorlittlefish]

Academic intelligence is not the same as emotional intelligence.  Keeping you a secret for 9 years is terrible.  The only way you 'messed up' is in accepting that position.  When your girlfriend's grief is less raw, I'd tell her how upset you feel at her not allowing you to accompany to the funeral and ask how she views your relationship.