Cute guy

[greendots]

I put it under Friendship and Friends as I have no clue where it belongs in.

I met a cute guy through friends a while back, hung out a few times with friends and once one on one some time ago. Friends think there's a spark, the few times we've met he paid a lot of attention on me, especially the time we met alone. Anyhow here's the gist: He'll only text me, when I text him first or I post a story. Like, he'll react to my story with a heart. Then, I'll reply with "hey, Peter" and he'll ask me how I am and suddenly we're talking. He's hearting my replies, laughing and all that jazz. I could text him nonsense and he'd reply back asap for real. Anyway, he went away for a bit and now that he's back, he told my friend: "Let's hang out with greendots". She's not interested in him, nor him in her.

Why can't he tell me that himself? Why can't he text me directly? Why do I need to post a story for him to text me then?

Guys, any ideas? Obviously, I'm attracted to him as he's really fascinating. But I don't want to get my hopes up. Thanks! 🙂

[ShySoul]

What's his personality like? 

As a shy and introverted guy, I can easily see myself not wanting to make the first moves. There's the fear of rejection. There's the worry I'll say or do something stupid. There's the fact that I'm just not good at coming up with conversation and often don't know what to say. So it's easier to say nothng at all. Yet when I get feedback from the person, or they start things off and give me a topic, I can feel more comfotable and go on forever.

If you like him, take the initiative. Why wait around for him if he's a bit hesitant? Just go for it yourself. All the time you spend waiting is time you could be spending doing a lot more fun things. So just do it.

[Kwothe28]

My main takeaway from this is that I always thought greendots is a man. 🤷

1 hour ago, greendots said:

Why can't he tell me that himself? Why can't he text me directly? Why do I need to post a story for him to text me then?

I dunno, maybe he just wants to find a reason to talk to you first?

Anyway, I think he might be interested. Why dont you see to hang out with him and what would happen then?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, greendots said:

Anyhow here's the gist: He'll only text me, when I text him first or I post a story. Like, he'll react to my story with a heart. Then, I'll reply with "hey, Peter" and he'll ask me how I am and suddenly we're talking. He's hearting my replies, laughing and all that jazz. I could text him nonsense and he'd reply back asap for real. Anyway, he went away for a bit and now that he's back, he told my friend: "Let's hang out with greendots". She's not interested in him, nor him in her.

This wouldn't work for me -and I have had friendships like this -new friends where it's all on me then they'll respond.  Nope I need some reciprocity. I have a really really close friend who's been doing this to me and I am getting really tired of being the one to reach out for too long.  What about you-how do you feel about it? I'm good with people being fine with the "he's just shy" excuse for him not putting in effort but I'm not good with it. 

My husband was extremely shy when we first met and later when we dated and he had to summon up a lot of motivation to ask me out and follow up etc- and he did cause people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  He chose getting to know me over fear or hesitancy.  This is this guy's first impression and assume  you will have to lead him by the nose most of the time -assume that rather than telling yourself fairy tales like "oh once he is secure that I like him he'll step up to the plate.  No I wouldn't have those expectations at all. 

If he's that shy that he chooses shyness over reciprocity then for me personally he's not available to date.  But it's totally cool if you're ok being the one  who reaches out 99% of the time.  It's totally up to you- no right or wrong.

Edited to add- my husband came out of his shell and was less shy on his own as he got older and realized I guess that to pursue his passions in his career he'd have to grow in confidence and assertiveness etc and he did -it wasn't because I reciprocated interest.

[yogacat]

In my opinion, one of the most difficult situations for some guys is deciphering whether a girl is being friendly out of genuine friendship or if she has romantic feelings.

Although I am not speaking for all men, I have observed that it's not always lack of interest that delays a man's actions. However, if you wait for him to make a move, you may never know. Do what you can to make it clear that you’re interested, not just being polite or friendly. 

Next time you're chatting, casually ask him about his dating life, or if he has his eye on anyone particular. Or, if you're feeling bold, compliment him genuinely.

Good luck. 😉

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

In my opinion, one of the most difficult situations for some guys is deciphering whether a girl is being friendly out of genuine friendship or if she has romantic feelings.

This^ is my opinion too. Read some men's forums (not PUA), but it's a real concern for many men.   And confusing for them.. 

If this were me, I'd continue hanging out as a group and start giving him more overt indications of interest.  Nothing blatant, but maybe flirt a little, show YOUR interest.  Be a little more attentive, open and friendly with him than the others. 

For me, I wouldn't ask him out but rather make it easier for HIM to ask you out!   A slight push, a "window".  An opening. 

Give him a chance to feel comfortable making a move, these things take time sometimes!  Especially when you meet in a friend situation versus a dating situation like if you had met on an app or at a club. 

I dunno I rather like all that tension and anticipation!   You know he's interested right?  To me it's kinda obvious.  But he's nervous, which is natural when we really like someone.

General question.  Why is everyone (some) in such a hurry?  I need him to ask me out NOW type of attitude?

Why not relax and allow things to take their natural course?  

@greendots  go hang as a group and give him the chance to feel comfortable making a move.

That's what I would do and it's always served me well.

Have fun and let us know what happens! 

 

 

[greendots]

Thanks to all of you for your replies!! 😊 Here's some more info, which will give you a better idea of things.

Guy will contact me first but through stories. He'll react to it and that will turn into a conversation. Him being the one who asks the first question. The one time we went out, we were all meant to hang out as a group but none could make it, so it ended up just being us instead.

Looked like a date, felt like one even though it wasn't one as he mentioned our wonderful friendship. He never calls me friend though like he calls others. He picked me up, dropped me home, paid for me, no touching, but he was soooo attentive to me all. the. time, complimenting me and all that. We were together around four hours or so.

He used to post stories too, but after that outing crickets. He told me he isn't into social media, to be honest neither am I.  I haven't posted stories for a while. I asked him to meet up before his trip, but he suggested we meet after instead.

[greendots]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why not relax and allow things to take their natural course?  

@greendots  go hang as a group and give him the chance to feel comfortable making a move.

That's what I would do and it's always served me well.

I like your ideea! Thing is, our original group disbanded as some left the country. So I'm hoping that she'll organise something with him as per his request, so we can meet again.

I guess patience isn't my strong suit, lol.

 

8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

My main takeaway from this is that I always thought greendots is a man. 🤷

Hehehe. I am female. 😁

[greendots]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What's his personality like?

His friend thinks he's maybe kinda shy, but he didn't give me that vibe. He's easy to talk to, tranquil. Not a loud personality.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If he's that shy that he chooses shyness over reciprocity then for me personally he's not available to date.  But it's totally cool if you're ok being the one  who reaches out 99% of the time.  It's totally up to you- no right or wrong.

Ergo, why I stopped posting stories. You want to talk to me, contact me directly. 🙂

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

In my opinion, one of the most difficult situations for some guys is deciphering whether a girl is being friendly out of genuine friendship or if she has romantic feelings.

Huh, I would have genuinly never guessed. My concern is that I might have given off more friendship vibes than anything else as I'm not very intentionally flirty.

 

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Next time you're chatting, casually ask him about his dating life, or if he has his eye on anyone particular. Or, if you're feeling bold, compliment him genuinely.

Asking him if he's single. That might work!

[TeeDee]

Somehow you have to find a way to communicate to him that if he found the courage to ask you out, the answer would be yes. 

Men can be clueless.  I was at a singles event, shamelessly flirting with some guy.  We talked a little business too because he was in the market for a service my company provided.  I had to leave to go to another event.  I handed him my business card & told him I'd be happy to help him if he called but I'd be happier if he called for personal rather than professional reasons.  I winked at him & left. 

He did call & confessed that if I had not said that he never would have called because he didn't think I liked him like that.  I was flabbergasted because I thought I have been behaving so overtly, like a shameless hussy.  I couldn't believe he didn't get it.  

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, greendots said:

Looked like a date, felt like one even though it wasn't one as he mentioned our wonderful friendship. He never calls me friend though like he calls others. He picked me up, dropped me home, paid for me, no touching, but he was soooo attentive to me all. the. time, complimenting me and all that. We were together around four hours or so.

He used to post stories too, but after that outing crickets. He told me he isn't into social media, to be honest neither am I.  I haven't posted stories for a while. I asked him to meet up before his trip, but he suggested we meet after instead.

This reads to me that he's not interested in you as dating material. He didn't jump at the chance to see you again before leaving and it sounds like he had nothing pressing to prevent that. Then when he got back, he doesn't even ask you personally about that raincheck. Maybe with that and the crickets, he senses you have a crush and doesn't want to give you the wrong idea but is open to hanging out as friends once in a while. He probably likes it that you're a fan of his and so he thought of you for hanging out. 

I could be wrong though. I wouldn't go as far as asking him if he's single. Since he kept giving you compliments before, you could come up with a few of your own and give off more of a flirty vibe and see what happens.

[greendots]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

This reads to me that he's not interested in you as dating material. He didn't jump at the chance to see you again before leaving and it sounds like he had nothing pressing to prevent that. Then when he got back, he doesn't even ask you personally about that raincheck. Maybe with that and the crickets, he senses you have a crush and doesn't want to give you the wrong idea but is open to hanging out as friends once in a while. He probably likes it that you're a fan of his and so he thought of you for hanging out. 

I could be wrong though. I wouldn't go as far as asking him if he's single. Since he kept giving you compliments before, you could come up with a few of your own and give off more of a flirty vibe and see what happens.

I hear you.

His buddy told me some time ago that he's single and he believes he may be shy but isn't sure. I'm not that close to his buddy though. The thing is that from the getgo cute guy always had to have a reason to talk to me: either reacting to a story I posted, me reacting to his stories or me texting him first. Also, according to my friend, the first time we met, he confessed liking me.

My friend is going to help me make sure that outing happens. I'm not sure if it's relevant, but his suggestion to hang out only included me and her, not the rest of the group.

Next time I see him, I defo plan on giving more of a flirty vibe and see what happens.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, greendots said:

I hear you.

His buddy told me some time ago that he's single and he believes he may be shy but isn't sure. I'm not that close to his buddy though. The thing is that from the getgo cute guy always had to have a reason to talk to me: either reacting to a story I posted, me reacting to his stories or me texting him first. Also, according to my friend, the first time we met, he confessed liking me.

My friend is going to help me make sure that outing happens. I'm not sure if it's relevant, but his suggestion to hang out only included me and her, not the rest of the group.

Next time I see him, I defo plan on giving more of a flirty vibe and see what happens.

It doesn't matter if he actually is shy - a person who is single and available to date will choose asking the person out over fear triggered by shyness or whatever.  I think it is important for a woman especially who is interested to be approachable and show interest. 

Also every day things can change -I know of so many examples -including my own where one day I wasn't  dating anyone or no one special and that changed overnight.  Or the person realized they were interested in someone and shifts focus to that person.

[yogacat]

On 7/2/2024 at 7:27 AM, greendots said:

His friend thinks he's maybe kinda shy, but he didn't give me that vibe. He's easy to talk to, tranquil. Not a loud personality.

Ergo, why I stopped posting stories. You want to talk to me, contact me directly. 🙂

Huh, I would have genuinly never guessed. My concern is that I might have given off more friendship vibes than anything else as I'm not very intentionally flirty.

 

Asking him if he's single. That might work!

I wouldn't specifically ask if he's single, just poke him a bit. Don't come off too thirsty.

[greendots]

We're all going to hang out again soon.Yay! So we'll see what happens.
☺️

Taking it easy and going with the flow.

Thanks again for your advice!

[greendots]

Update:

On the date that we were all supposed to hang out, life happened and he had to cancel at the last moment. Understandably as a close elderly family member of his was very unwell, so he needed to be there for them. His family member passed away about 3 weeks ago. All very sad. I kept loosely in touch with him during those weeks as of course he was going through some tough stuff. He was happy to hear from me. In fact, I told him that he could really count on me and his reply was that I could also count on him, always. Which surprised me in a really nice way. Especially since we've only met a handful of times. Obviously and understandably the wake and all that was private.

One week after all of this, he texted me about a story I posted. We texted briefly as I was at an event. The gist: he was calm, relaxing at home. And I suggested to meet up. He enthusiastically agreed. I asked him when he'd be available that following week and to let me know. Crickets until now. Except he'll watch all my stories. Not that I post that many to be honest.

Any insight is appreciated. 🙂

[Batya33]

Since he was calm and relaxing and at home I am wondering why he didn't try to reschedule.  Why he just texted you about the story.  I get that he agreed to meet up but you had to do all the work.  I don't think he's that interested in getting together-I'm sorry! Also FWIW next time if he texts you non urgently and you're at an event I'd not be so available to him and text him back.

[Andrina]

On 7/3/2024 at 12:05 AM, greendots said:

The thing is that from the getgo cute guy always had to have a reason to talk to me: either reacting to a story I posted, me reacting to his stories or me texting him first.

Sounds like he's continuing the same pattern. It's probably that what you've always seen is what will be what you continue to get. 

 

On 7/2/2024 at 9:04 PM, Andrina said:

This reads to me that he's not interested in you as dating material. He didn't jump at the chance to see you again before leaving and it sounds like he had nothing pressing to prevent that. Then when he got back, he doesn't even ask you personally about that raincheck.

 

1 hour ago, greendots said:

The gist: he was calm, relaxing at home. And I suggested to meet up. He enthusiastically agreed. I asked him when he'd be available that following week and to let me know. Crickets until now.

You're grasping for straws and seeing some pot of gold at the end of the rainbow with his words of "I'll always be there for you." I can't say that I'd be telling anyone that after only spending mere hours with them. And then he enthusiastically agreed without following up. Here again, he's following the same pattern of his words not matching his actions.

If he makes zero effort within the next few weeks, if it were me, I'd delete him from my social media. It seems to stress you out to see his comments about your posts when you want so much more from him. Better to be out of sight, out of mind, if you two aren't on the same page so you can emotionally move on.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, greendots said:

I asked him when he'd be available that following week and to let me know. Crickets until now. Except he'll watch all my stories. Not that I post that many to be honest.

This is unfortunate, and I'm sorry. I'd go crickets on posting, and if he doesn't reach out directly and soon, I'd consider him disinterested.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, greendots said:

And I suggested to meet up. He enthusiastically agreed. I asked him when he'd be available that following week and to let me know. Crickets until now. Except he'll watch all my stories. Not that I post that many to be honest.

How long has it been since you suggested to meet up? 

Maybe just take the inititive, pick a date, and ask him if it works? You can try to read signs from him and wait around for him to make a move, or you can bit the bullet and make one yourself. If he agrees, then you'll have gotten somewhere. And if he still doesn't respond, you'll confirm not to waste your time wondering anymore. Either way gives you a definitive answer as opposed to the lingering uncertainty.

[greendots]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also FWIW next time if he texts you non urgently and you're at an event I'd not be so available to him and text him back.

I didn't reply stat, but I also wanted to be done with it, so I could focus on the fair.

 

18 hours ago, Andrina said:

"I'll always be there for you." I can't say that I'd be telling anyone that after only spending mere hours with them.

That's what surprised me. I mean we know each other more than mere hours, but still... I thought his words were genuine as he seemed quite upfront with me about many things since the first day I met him.

We text as both don't really have social media accounts, I only have one but barely use it.

I know that interested men will spent time with you and won't be wishy washy. 100%

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd consider him disinterested.

Interested men want to spent time with you.

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

How long has it been since you suggested to meet up?

About 10 days or so. I mean, if he were really interested he would want to spent time with me. Friends spent time too!

 

There's more to the story. So he went on a trip recently, and that's when I thought if he isn't interested let him go.

But then, when he returned from his trip, he did a 180. He visits my friend as per request of his close buddy who lives overseas.

That's another story all-together. My friend and his buddy aren't speaking at the moment. His buddy is alright just can be quite insistent. He may have some mental disability, but we don't know. He was into her, she isn't into him. So my friend decided to walk away from his buddy.

The gist is that Peter was just delivering a message to her from his buddy.

Anyhow, Peter was eager and suggested to her: "Let's meet up with greendots".  Apparently, he spoke well off me. We had a agreed on a day and a time. He was really keen and was happy I was going to be there. He even proposed more hang-outs.

Then life happened, he couldn't make it for understandable reasons, he left the conversation my friend had created that same day. I was obviously understanding. His grandfather was really ill and eventually passed away. That's tough and he's really close to his family.

Anyhow, I don't know why that 180? And then crickets.

Any additional insight? 🙂

 

 

[yogacat]

Hmmm. I am thinking that yes, his family bereavement has definitely impacted things. But there's a teenie tiny part of me that feels he is not interested in beyond being friends. 

[greendots]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

there's a teenie tiny part of me that feels he is not interested in beyond being friends.

Even friends hang out 🙂

A tiny part of me feels that he's staying away due to the broken friendship between his buddy and my friend... otherwise why that 180?

Interested men and male friends will spent time with you.

[Andrina]

13 minutes ago, greendots said:

Anyhow, I don't know why that 180?

He never did a 180. His words never turned into action. You're giving too much weight to words that never result in action.

One can only guess that maybe he's like this with everyone, or that he likes you fine as a potential friend but keeps pulling back because he's not interested in more and is trying to avoid giving false hope since he likely knows you have a crush on him.

Those are theories, but most people would agree that if you're truly into someone and that someone suggests a meet up, that request will happily be leaped upon very quickly. I'm sure you wouldn't let more than one day go by before giving a guy you were crazy about a positive answer. 

I wouldn't reach out for another invite, as suggested by another poster. I don't put in more effort than given in those sorts of instances, and I believe it's best to not put another person on the spot when they've ignored a first invite, which gives them a chance to fade away if they wish. I know I've been cornered by unrelenting men who can't seem to take a hint and it turned into awkward conversations. The best plan is to emotionally move on and hold out for the guy who makes it crystal clear how crazy he is about you.

[ShySoul]

You're spending all this time and energy figuring out what he is thinking. You're trying to base your actions upon him. Why not forget about him for a minute and focus on what you want?

Do you want to call him? Then call him. Do you want to spend time with him? Then pick a time and ask him to do something. Do you want to let things take it's natural course? Then stop focusing on it and let him contact you should he contact you. Do you want to just give up on him entirely? Then forget about him.

We spend so much of our lives planning around others and worrying ourselves about what they are thinking or feeling. But we'll never really know unless they tell us. So why continue to do it? 

What counts is doing what will make you feel best and happiest. Figure out what it is you want, then let that be your guide on what to do.