My boyfriend keeps lying

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Bolosk said:

There is no twisting. I lack boundaries as I mentioned in my very first reply directly to you above. It's not a positive thing - I never phrased as if it were.

Yes it came across as I'm too easy on people because I care so much. I understand and am glad you are working on it.

My general idea of where my partner is located is important when he is taking a plane somewhere, when we have child care responsibilities (he has to pick up so I need to know if he changes location and jeopardizes pickup etc), etc.  Otherwise most of the time he tells me his plan for the day generally.  How often do I check up on him to see if he is where he says he is -never barring an emergency.  Never.  Why would I ever need to check up on what my spouse tells me about his plan? If I did need to do so that would be a mental health issue for me or because I didn't trust him for good reason.  Neither would be good.

Also I don't generally ask him unless there's a reason to ask and my reason is never ever to check up on him. I tell him fairly often where I am going and also might check in if I do something else and believe he will wonder why I'm gone so long -wonder about my personal safety I mean. 

[bluecastle]

10 hours ago, Bolosk said:

It's the only time I'm trying to 'actively' catch him because I want to end it this time.

I don't think you need to conduct the sting operation in order to have a reasons to end it. 

You seem to have a good grasp on him—that he deals with moderate discomfort through moderate fibs, that this instinct is perhaps connected to certain childhood wounds etc. That's unlikely going to evaporate tomorrow, and, more to the point, neither is the effect it's having on you. "Catching" him working from home as opposed to the office—or discovering he was at the office when you thought he was home—isn't going to move the needle. 

I understand it's not easy: you are invested, and you love him. But ask yourself what's always the most important question: When you look into the mirror do you like the shape you are becoming in this relationship? That's the thing to be investigating right now. 

Everyone we partner up with is going to come with a cluster of unfortunate habits that can be linked to their childhoods. The key is for them to be the sort we can live with. 

 

[Bolosk]

20 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I don't think you need to conduct the sting operation in order to have a reasons to end it. 

You seem to have a good grasp on him—that he deals with moderate discomfort through moderate fibs, that this instinct is perhaps connected to certain childhood wounds etc. That's unlikely going to evaporate tomorrow, and, more to the point, neither is the effect it's having on you. "Catching" him working from home as opposed to the office—or discovering he was at the office when you thought he was home—isn't going to move the needle. 

I understand it's not easy: you are invested, and you love him. But ask yourself what's always the most important question: When you look into the mirror do you like the shape you are becoming in this relationship? That's the thing to be investigating right now. 

Everyone we partner up with is going to come with a cluster of unfortunate habits that can be linked to their childhoods. The key is for them to be the sort we can live with. 

 

You might be right. I did question my own ambition of catching him red handed. I'm aware I don't even need a reason to end the relationship if it doesn't work for me.

[yogacat]

The longer you stay with him the more damage this is going to do to your psyche. I hope you're okay with that. Otherwise, you know what you need to do. LEAVE.

[Bolosk]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

The longer you stay with him the more damage this is going to do to your psyche. I hope you're okay with that. Otherwise, you know what you need to do. LEAVE.

You're absolutely right. I'm struggling in this relationship. No one deserves that. Thank you for taking the time to comment by the way. I appreciate it.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Wow. I get why he'd lie to avoid a confrontation with you.  If you feel motivated enough to do something to try to catch him, you two probably are not good together.

Some kids who grow up in toxic home may become people pleasers to avoid conflict, and that's what he feels he needs to do with you.  If you don't care where he works, why ask?  And why try to prove he's lying?  If this relationship doesn't work, it doesn't work.  You do not have stay with all the broken birds.  It's okay to have specific deal breakers, and for you, it's complete honesty.

This^ is exactly what I posted, but got told it was a "rubbish take."

OP when more than one person reads your behavior the same way, it would be beneficial to at least consider it versus getting defensive and responding it's normal.  

It's not normal, most people don't drive to their SO's home to prove they're lying or catch them in a lie. 

They just end the relationship.  Period end of.  

3 hours ago, Bolosk said:

Why are you victim blaming?

Firstly, I'm not and secondly you are not a victim.  Your boyfriend is a habitual liar and YOU choose to stay.  That makes you an active participant not a victim. 

And the sooner you recognize that and stop seeing yourself as the victim, the better. 

Take responsibility for your own choices and your own life.  It's advice that was given to me and the best advice I was ever given.

Good luck moving forward. 

 

.

[TeeDee]

2 hours ago, Bolosk said:

You're absolutely right. I'm struggling in this relationship. No one deserves that. 

There's your answer. 

Just because you understand why he lies doesn't mean you have to tolerate it.