My boyfriend keeps lying

[Bolosk]

My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s.

I caught him lying about small and inconsequential things before. Nothing big. I posted here about his lies too.

He says that it is a coping mechanism from his childhood. His mum used to get violent whenever she heard something she didn't like, so my boyfriend started lying about everything.

The last 2 weeks he's been telling me he's going into the office. But I saw him online a few times on a desktop app he wouldn't be allowed on his work computer. I suspect he was at home using his personal computer to access to the app.

I asked him if he was home each time but he refused. I don't know why he'd lie about that. I couldn't care less about where he works from. My theory is that he felt unmotivated to go into the office and didn't want to tell me in case I thought he was lazy. I wouldn't think that but his mum would, so I'm guessing there's a lot of shame around it.

I will go to his house next time he says he's in the office but is online on the app. I'm 99% sure that I will catch him.

Would you end it with him if you were me then or give him another chance if his reason is along the lines of what I suspect rather than something dodgy like cheating?

I feel like I can't live a life where I don't know if anything my partner says is true, especially as we do want kids in the future, but I do love him and feel sorry for what he went through as a child.

[Batya33]

It depends on your values. Your kids would think it it is ok to lie and to blame one's childhood on adult choices.  A person can have challenges stemming from childhood and still act with integrity and solid values.  Please don't make excuses for him.

[Bolosk]

I'm not making excuses. I grew up with a similar caregiver, so I understand him. I never picked up the lying habit, but I'm sure brought many unhealthy habits into adulthood. Lacking boundaries for one!

I wouldn't have a problem with my kids processing their childhood later in life and putting the blame where it belongs if necessary/we fail them. But, lying is something I genuinely cannot stand and wouldn't want my kids to pick up on. I used to get lashed out but still told the truth.

Just trying to figure out if I can ever be his safe space. I don't mind him continuing to lie initially so long as he corrects himself straight away and comes clean and eventually stop the habit all together. I'm guessing it will take years of therapy and currently he cannot afford.

[yogacat]

It's like he morphed into a kid. He could do some stupid things that will cause so much pain to you and the rest of the family. How do you even know that he's being truthful when he says it's a coping mechanism? That's ridiculous. Is he a lobotomized elephant or something?

Look, I'm not suggesting that there isn't a thing where people use lying as a mechanism to handle things. But, in those cases, the person is working at it. They are not oblivious to the fear and massive amounts of hurt they are paving in their road. They are aware and so they put everything they have into retraining themselves.

Consider for just a minute all the things that need to happen to truly change a life long habit. Think about the strength required all throughout their lives to sustain. For an example, a person who spins covers that are totally instinctive for decades must do things that are out of their nature for decades before they even come close to reversing their habit. 

You're simply not capable of being anyone's safe space.

Safety is a cheap share.

It is a fundamental responsibility that people owe to each other. If your boyfriend choses to hold onto his developmental defects in order to justify his actions to himself, then he'll be a little boy from now until his final day. That's on him.

[Cherylyn]

Once a person lies to you or does anything to you which is intolerable or unacceptable,  you'll forever doubt and permanently distrust him.  Once trust is no more,  the relationship is dead.  That ship has sailed. 

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, Bolosk said:

. I never picked up the lying habit,

You don't "pick up a lying habit" -it's a choice.  Once a person knows better -i.e. let's say around age what - 6?- then they cannot pick it up as a habit - because they know it is wrong to lie (other than white lies to save someone's feelings -true white lies) - and with that knowledge if they choose to lie it's a lie whether you dress it up as a "coping mechanism" or otherwise.  We all at times know it would be easier to lie to a loved one or a boss or whatever - we all would "cope" better if we could walk away from the truth -but we choose the hard stuff cause it's the right thing to do.  Especially in a close relationship. 

If a person has a disorder -a mental health disorder -or a neurological disorder where they do not know right from wrong or they're delusional that's different -your boyfriend simply takes the easy way out for himself - and hurts others in the process. Ironic since he knows what it's like to feel hurt.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Bolosk said:

But I saw him online a few times on a desktop app he wouldn't be allowed on his work computer. I suspect he was at home using his personal computer to access to the app.

2 hours ago, Bolosk said:

I asked him if he was home each time but he refused. I don't know why he'd lie about that. I couldn't care less about where he works from. My theory is that he felt unmotivated to go into the office and didn't want to tell me in case I thought he was lazy.

Bolded^ yes that's exactly why he lies, he feels the truth would result in you negatively judging him, not a good feeling.  He doesn't trust you with the truth..

My question to you is, if you could care less where he works, then why even question (in his mind interrogate) him about it? 

Look, his lying is wrong but I think it's unsettling that you monitor him to the degree you do, his internet activities, from where etc. 

And then to further invade his space by showing up to his unannounced to make sure he's not lying?  What the heck. 

Again lying is very wrong but he must feel quite controlled and oppressed in this relationship and perhaps he lies as a way of gaining some control back.

It's sad he doesn't trust you enough to tell the truth; he must feel by doing so, you will judge him and punish him just like his mother did when he was a kid.

This is the dynamic you've created - a parent/child dynamic versus a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. 

If you want to get this relationship back on track, lean back.  Stop checking up on him, monitoring him, trying to control him.

If you by chance catch him in a lie by utilizing your intuition and perceptive abilities, don't accuse him but simoly say you don't tolerate lying in any form or fashion, it's a dealbreaker. 

Set that boundary and mean it!!

Start treating him like the man he is versus a child and perhaps he will begin behaving like one..

If he doesn't, end the relationship.

 

 

 

[yogacat]

A mature adult doesn't have to live in fear of being judged for small things like working from home. I'd have to believe that he feels fine spinning lies about ridiculous things to you. But I agree that punishing him for the truth is not the answer nor is monitoring his every move.

I do feel that the behavior is his responsibility to change, though, and not yours to tolerate.

[Bolosk]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bolded^ yes that's exactly why he lies, he feels the truth would result in you negatively judging him, not a good feeling.  He doesn't trust you with the truth..

My question to you is, if you could care less where he works, then why even question (in his mind interrogate) him about it? 

Look, his lying is wrong but I think it's unsettling that you monitor him to the degree you do, his internet activities, from where etc. 

And then to further invade his space by showing up to his unannounced to make sure he's not lying?  What the heck. 

Again lying is very wrong but he must feel quite controlled and oppressed in this relationship and perhaps he lies as a way of gaining some control back.

It's sad he doesn't trust you enough to tell the truth; he must feel by doing so, you will judge him and punish him just like his mother did when he was a kid.

This is the dynamic you've created - a parent/child dynamic versus a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. 

If you want to get this relationship back on track, lean back.  Stop checking up on him, monitoring him, trying to control him.

If you by chance catch him in a lie by utilizing your intuition and perceptive abilities, don't accuse him but simoly say you don't tolerate lying in any form or fashion, it's a dealbreaker. 

Set that boundary and mean it!!

Start treating him like the man he is versus a child and perhaps he will begin behaving like one..

If he doesn't, end the relationship.

 

 

 

What a rubbish take.

There's no monitoring. I use that app for personal reasons and it makes it glaringly obvious when someone is online. I happen to see him.

I'm not a controlling person one bit. He offers up unnecessary details on his own accord then trips over them. 

 

[Bolosk]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You don't "pick up a lying habit" -it's a choice.  Once a person knows better -i.e. let's say around age what - 6?- then they cannot pick it up as a habit - because they know it is wrong to lie (other than white lies to save someone's feelings -true white lies) - and with that knowledge if they choose to lie it's a lie whether you dress it up as a "coping mechanism" or otherwise.  We all at times know it would be easier to lie to a loved one or a boss or whatever - we all would "cope" better if we could walk away from the truth -but we choose the hard stuff cause it's the right thing to do.  Especially in a close relationship. 

If a person has a disorder -a mental health disorder -or a neurological disorder where they do not know right from wrong or they're delusional that's different -your boyfriend simply takes the easy way out for himself - and hurts others in the process. Ironic since he knows what it's like to feel hurt.

I'm certain he has mental health issues. Not sure if personality disorder level.

You are right. It does feel like it's a cop out. More I think about more I want to end things and find someone who values honesty.

[Bolosk]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

A mature adult doesn't have to live in fear of being judged for small things like working from home. I'd have to believe that he feels fine spinning lies about ridiculous things to you. But I agree that punishing him for the truth is not the answer nor is monitoring his every move.

I do feel that the behavior is his responsibility to change, though, and not yours to tolerate.

Never punished him for the truth. It's the only time I'm trying to 'actively' catch him because I want to end it this time. Just struggling with my emotions because I do love him and want to help/support him. It's just too much. I'm negatively affected in all this and need to put myself first once.

[DarkCh0c0]

Find a man, and not a project.

He is a pathological/impulsive liar. HE needs to work on this IF HE thinks this needs work. But he doesn't.

You can't change him. It's a waste of time to live your life wondering what's the truth and lie with him. Imagine with kids later how that would pan out... "Oh daddy lied. Lying is OK".

Set yourself free. You don't need to waste more time on this. This is a red flag and dealbreaker.

[JoyfulCompany]

I wouldn't be able to trust him either. It's okay to understand where it all comes from and have compassion for him, yet refuse to stay under those circumstances. He's aware he does that and why he does it but he chooses not to work on it. So he's okay with it. I wouldn't stay and enable it. I'm sorry.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Bolosk said:

What a rubbish take.

If you're not open to different perspectives, why did you create this thread?  

Why not just dump him?  Why this thread at all?

Look, whether you want to acknowledge this or not it takes two people to create a toxic dynamic such as this.

Perhaps there's more context you have not shared but from the outside looking in, it does seem like you were monitoring him. 

Perhaps that's not your intention but that's how it looks. 

And clearly he doesn't trust you with the truth, it doesn't take Freud to figure that out.

That said, the guy is a perpetual liar which for most people would be a dealbreaker.

You can either do what I suggested and set a strong boundary - no more lying or we're done - or just dump him now. 

Your choice. 

 

[smackie9]

The problem is, he doesn't see it as an issue...because if he did he would seek therapy for it, and find other ways to cope. At 30-ish years old...kinda too late for change. This would be a total deal breaker for me right at the start. 

[Bolosk]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If you're not open to different perspectives, why did you create this thread?  

Why not just dump him?  Why this thread at all?

Look, whether you want to acknowledge this or not it takes two people to create a toxic dynamic such as this.

Perhaps there's more context you have not shared but from the outside looking in, it does seem like you were monitoring him. 

Perhaps that's not your intention but that's how it looks. 

And clearly he doesn't trust you with the truth, it doesn't take Freud to figure that out.

That said, the guy is a perpetual liar which for most people would be a dealbreaker.

You can either do what I suggested and set a strong boundary - no more lying or we're done - or just dump him now. 

Your choice. 

 

Why are you victim blaming?

There is no monitoring or toxic dynamic. Take a look at my previous post. I never snooped or prodded, he just tells fibs on his own accord.

It's not that he doesn't' 'trust' me with the truth, he lies habitually. Lies to me, his mum, friends etc. He admits that he does. The problem here is not me.

I tried to set that boundary but still caught him on a lie. I will confront him at the next opportunity and will dump him most likely.

[Bolosk]

27 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The problem is, he doesn't see it as an issue...because if he did he would seek therapy for it, and find other ways to cope. At 30-ish years old...kinda too late for change. This would be a total deal breaker for me right at the start. 

I recognise that it should've been a deal breaker for me too, but I give people too much benefit of the doubt.

Someone above said be with a man, not a project. I agree wholeheartedly.

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, Bolosk said:

I will go to his house next time he says he's in the office but is online on the app. I'm 99% sure that I will catch him.

Wow. I get why he'd lie to avoid a confrontation with you.  If you feel motivated enough to do something to try to catch him, you two probably are not good together.

Some kids who grow up in toxic home may become people pleasers to avoid conflict, and that's what he feels he needs to do with you.  If you don't care where he works, why ask?  And why try to prove he's lying?  If this relationship doesn't work, it doesn't work.  You do not have stay with all the broken birds.  It's okay to have specific deal breakers, and for you, it's complete honesty.

[shouldhavelearned]

Drop by with lunch time next time you catch him.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Bolosk said:

I recognise that it should've been a deal breaker for me too, but I give people too much benefit of the doubt.

Someone above said be with a man, not a project. I agree wholeheartedly.

You mean you choose to tolerate poor treatment and you don't know your worth.  Please don't twist it for yourself as a "oh I'm just too caring" kind of thing or you will continue to be even a target for people who act in disrespectful ways to you.

[Bolosk]

10 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Wow. I get why he'd lie to avoid a confrontation with you.  If you feel motivated enough to do something to try to catch him, you two probably are not good together.

Some kids who grow up in toxic home may become people pleasers to avoid conflict, and that's what he feels he needs to do with you.  If you don't care where he works, why ask?  And why try to prove he's lying?  If this relationship doesn't work, it doesn't work.  You do not have stay with all the broken birds.  It's okay to have specific deal breakers, and for you, it's complete honesty.

What are you talking about? It is completely normal to have a general idea about where your partner is.

Again, I never tried to catch him previously. It happens natually as his lies are easily provable otherwise (see my previous post). Although I want to this time. To break things off potentially.

[Bolosk]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You mean you choose to tolerate poor treatment and you don't know your worth.  Please don't twist it for yourself as a "oh I'm just too caring" kind of thing or you will continue to be even a target for people who act in disrespectful ways to you.

There is no twisting. I lack boundaries as I mentioned in my very first reply directly to you above. It's not a positive thing - I never phrased as if it were.

[Bolosk]

14 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Drop by with lunch time next time you catch him.

Yeah I will drop by next time. I'm almost sure that I will break things off there and then. I don't think I can tolerate this anymore quite frankly. Even if he IS in the office, does it matter at this point? I simply do not trust him due to his previous lies.

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, Bolosk said:

It is completely normal to have a general idea about where your partner is.

And it's also fine to know where your partner is, and accept their answer. 

For you, it's different.  You already knew where he might be, but kept persisting to catch him in a lie. 

Based on how you responded to my previous post; I can see how your defensiveness triggers his defense mechanisms.

[Bolosk]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

And it's also fine to know where your partner is, and accept their answer. 

For you, it's different.  You already knew where he might be, but kept persisting to catch him in a lie. 

Based on how you responded to my previous post; I can see how your defensiveness triggers his defense mechanisms.

Anyone would struggle to take their proven liar partner's word for it. That's not a 'me' thing. I don't believe him, because of his previous lies, as well as the impossibility of him being online on the aforementioned app in the office. It's evidential, not paranoia.

Based on how you were making it out to be my fault, I don't think I trust your judgement and will take on anything you have to say anyhow.