Consistently less communication before and after sex

[TanyaJo]

I have known this man for a couple of months now. We met at a party and he spoke to me and we exchanged numbers. He is also on online dating apps trying to find a suitable match as he is single for the last 5 months. His texting style is very sparce and responds very late sometimes a day. Usually respond well while fixing a date. We got physical last Saturday and we both had fun. He texted me asking if I got home OK and also mentioned that he had a great time. He sent a text on Sunday asking how my lunch with friends went. However he hasn't replied to my text since. It's been more than a day now. I'm wondering if was being polite and nice about it but doesn't really want to see me anymore? He isn't usually very communicative and I understand as he is also see other women before he decides on one or probably at this point we aren't exclusive as it has been only a few dates. Is my expectations unreasonable? I would like to see him again and I'm hoping he would arrange another meet soon. Should I wait it out? Is he breadcrumbing me? 

I'm feeling anxious especially after we got physical. 

I'm 37(F) and he is 47(M)

[Batya33]

What was discussed about your intentions for a potential serious relationship with you? Did you ask him before you had sex with him? Assume as you already know he is busy dating other women as you didn't say there was a promise to be exclusive. Sounds like you both had fun and if there is no plan for another date assume there is no other date until and unless one of you plans one.  He says he had fun -he followed up about how your lunch went and it doesn't mean he wants to see you again -maybe he also had a great date with someone else recently and maybe that is getting more serious?

I'm sorry you are feeling anxious -do you often feel more attached emotionally after having sex? If so maybe next time guard your heart more before having sex even if sex is really fun.  

[TanyaJo]

He said he is looking for a good connection and take it to a relationship and I said the same 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TanyaJo said:

He said he is looking for a good connection and take it to a relationship and I said the same 

What does that even mean ? How does he define connection? His private part connected to yours? Does he want to be connected to a number of women - I guess so since he is dating and advertising his availability on a dating app. Also how does he plan to take this “connection” to a relationship? And how do you ? Are you two in the same page ? What did you discuss as far as your expectations if you connected with him sexually ?

[shouldhavelearned]

Should have waited for intimacy.

With his lack of it, he probably got what he needed/wanted.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, TanyaJo said:

He sent a text on Sunday asking how my lunch with friends went. However he hasn't replied to my text since.

What did you say in your last text to him?

[TanyaJo]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

What did you say in your last text to him?

He asked ahoy my brunch to which I replied. Then I asked what made him text me as he usually less on texting. No reply from him. Going by the history he has not gone beyond a day texting. We had amazing chemistry and thought to take it physically. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TanyaJo said:

Should I wait it out? Is he breadcrumbing me? 

Nah. He got what he wants and now he is "slow fading". Sorry.

[yogacat]

I wouldn't freak after a day on no contact. Then again, if he's going to fade, not much you can do.

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

Then I asked what made him text me

Oh, girl. No. Don't do this. 

It sounds confrontational, even if that wasn't your intention. Nobody wants to be put on the defensive, especially via messaging. 

I am not saying that's why he hasn't replied nor that he isn't fading, but rather to be mindful that a message like yours could also be misinterpreted. 

[TanyaJo]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Oh, girl. No. Don't do this. 

It sounds confrontational, even if that wasn't your intention. Nobody wants to be put on the defensive, especially via messaging. 

I am not saying that's why he hasn't replied nor that he isn't fading, but rather to be mindful that a message like yours could also be misinterpreted. 

Why what's wrong in that? It is a casual ask. As he never used to text much before I was being forward in asking 

[TanyaJo]

There was also flirty text exchange on Sunday but just one. 

[yogacat]

Maybe he's still seeing if you're what he wants or maybe he's still trying to decide who he values more.

Maybe he got caught up with work or personal matters.

Point being, there isn't anything much you can do right now so just focus on your work and life. If you hear from him good. It's a bit early to tag him as breadcrumbing you.

Give him time to prove he's worth your time and wait for him to extend an invitation.

If he's interested he'll make an effort to see you again. 

Don't wait around, get busy living and having fun with or without him.

Also considering your last text to him comes across accusatory. A better text from you could have been saying how much fun you had.

That is, unless of course you didn't then I wouldn't send that but something saying you enjoyed seeing him.

[TanyaJo]

Thank you! 

[smackie9]

If you want a man you have to let him know with flirting, interaction, smiles, taking an interest in him personally, etc. gotta do the dance to get results. 

[TeeDee]

Never judge the quality of a relationship based on the quantity of texts.   At 47 texting most likely wasn't the mode of communication when he was a teen & his dating style formed.  

I agree that you asking him what made him text you was a bad move.  He probably felt attacked or worse that you were rejecting him.   You need to fix that.  If you had to mention it at all you would have been better served making it super positive along the lines of "it makes me so happy when you text first!"  I fear he mis read it & thinks you are rejecting him & weren't happy to hear from him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/1/2024 at 9:55 AM, TanyaJo said:

I'm feeling anxious especially after we got physical. 

You do realize this is your anxiety talking don't you?  The way I see it, he did everything right - texted you asking if you got home okay, texted you the following day (Sunday) asking how your lunch with friends went.   All good!!!

On 7/1/2024 at 12:49 PM, TanyaJo said:

Then I asked what made him text me as he usually less on texting. No reply from him.

What?  Why would you ask him something like that?  You just had first time sexual relations with the man!  He texted you because it's what people do when they give a ****. 

It was definitely a good thing!  Especially after first time sex!

You asking him WHY he texted you makes it appear like YOU viewed sex as casual and that you thought him texting you was weird. 

May not have been what you intended but from the outside looking in and HIS perspective that is what it sounds like.

No wonder he has not texted back.  He probably felt like an idiot.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I agree that you asking him what made him text you was a bad move.  He probably felt attacked or worse that you were rejecting him.   You need to fix that. 

Completely agree.  Do not wait.

HE did everything right.

[shouldhavelearned]

Less texting

More talking 

[TanyaJo]

I sent a apology note after the comments, maybe I overreacted. When asked about his weekend plans he said he has his school friend coming from Australia this weekend. He also asked how my shoulders are feeling after the massage? (this is an innuendo between us) with a wink emoji. 

I replied 8/10 wink and left it with this. 

[yogacat]

46 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

He also asked how my shoulders are feeling after the massage? (this is an innuendo between us) with a wink emoji. 

I replied 8/10 wink and left it with this. 

That's a great response from you.

Him asking about your shoulders is him hinting about the physical fun he had with you.

Give it a bit of time to see if he mentions making plans or asks about your availability. Normally I would suggest mentioning wanting to see him again, but since he already knows that, let him take the lead for now. Especially after first time getting physical.

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

When asked about his weekend plans he said he has his school friend coming from Australia this weekend.

Translation: I have another ONS over weekend but will breadcrumb you in case I want more sex down the line.

You are falling exactly where he wants you to be. Even apologizing that you fell out of line. Its fine if you want just sex. But from your messages you seem to expect more. And I dont think you will ever get that from this man.

[rainbowsandroses]

56 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Translation: I have another ONS over weekend but will breadcrumb you in case I want more sex down the line.

I agree it's likely he has another date (not necessarily a ONS) scheduled however I disagree that automatically translates to he's breadcrumbing OP.

They are not exclusive, they both have the right to pursue their other options.  Neither are under any obligation to not have sex with others, and if this arrangement is not suitable to OP for now before exclusivity, then she should have waited a bit longer to have sex with him.

It's the risk she took and now she must deal with the consequences.  And if she deals with those consequences in the right way by NOT making assumptions that he only wants sex and is breadcrumbing her, there is every chance he will see her as a woman who stands out among the rest and move forward with her. 

I have seen it happen!  It all depends on how she reacts to this period before exclusivity.  

The way he contacted her that night asking if she got home safely combined with him contacting her the following day asking how her lunch went, suggests to me this is more than a ONS.

SHE was the one who sort of blew him off by asking "why did you text me"?  After first time sex.

Imagine yourself in his shoes @Kwothe28you just had first time sex with a new woman you liked, you texted her that night asking if she got home safely, texted the next day asking her how her lunch went, and HER response was "why did you text me"?

I mean what the... heck!!

 

 

 

[TanyaJo]

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Translation: I have another ONS over weekend but will breadcrumb you in case I want more sex down the line.

You are falling exactly where he wants you to be. Even apologizing that you fell out of line. Its fine if you want just sex. But from your messages you seem to expect more. And I dont think you will ever get that from this man.

Yes I kinda agree. I might be on the rota. He is on to his next. 

[TanyaJo]

Also he did not allow me to take my clothes off. I was wearing a skirt. So my gut feeling says he doesn't want to get emotionally intimate and want to maintain distance? 

He might be emotionally closed off. It's weird that someone doesn't want me to take my clothes off.