Before you decide to get married....

[jul-els]

10 hours ago, mylolita said:

Curious as well jul-els,

 

Can I please ask are you married yourself? 
 

I find in my experience single people, or unmarried people, tend to have a different view of marriage than married people 🤣

 

Maybe why they don’t get married! 
 

x

Folks have lots of reasons for not getting married. Just like they have lots of reasons for getting married. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with whether they’ve been married before. My point was that the idea it’s a life long commitment simply isn’t true. They end all the time. It takes two people to get married, but only one to end it. Not placing a value on it, just stating it as a fact. For some people it works, for some it doesn’t. For lots of different reasons. 

[Capricorn3]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

Seriously though, marriage is out of fashion for many.

...Even if society says that is the way it should be. . Being Married does not define a relationship but is an evolving commitment of a bond.

And whether a couple decides to get married or not, what truly matters is their commitment and dedication to each other. As long as both partners are happy and fulfilled in their relationship, that is what truly matters. Not a piece of paper nor a ceremony.

What's important is that two people have each other's backs...in my humble opinion.

I agree (in bold above).  I was never one who was "ohhhhh, I so badly wanna get married!".  I honestly didn't care - for me it was always a case of if it happens, it happens.  Same with kids - if we have any, that's fine.  If not, that's fine too.  We both had/have the same mindset and that's why we work so well together.  I could easily have just lived together.

[catfeeder]

I grew frustrated by the limited use of what was once called a ‘domestic partnership’. This was a stopgap measure for gay people to claim somewhat parallel rights with marriage before gay marriage became legal. But given all the work involved in creating this legality, I could never understand why it could not be adopted as a legal means for anyone to assume a domestic agreement with a designated other, regardless of whether that relationship was sexual in nature, or not.

For instance, an adult child could support and insure an elderly parent or a less fortunate sibling. Lifelong friends could combine their resources to care for one another, while one could cover the other under their health care plan. But without such a legal framework, no insurance companies, employers, hospitals, tax structures, etc. will recognize the validity of such a partnership. Apparently, just because it’s not sexual in nature.

I love marriage, and I love love. There are just so many more kinds of love than marriage, and yet that’s the only kind of union that legally protects one’s partner. I find that really short sighted and unfortunate.

[mylolita]

14 hours ago, jul-els said:

Folks have lots of reasons for not getting married. Just like they have lots of reasons for getting married. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with whether they’ve been married before. My point was that the idea it’s a life long commitment simply isn’t true. They end all the time. It takes two people to get married, but only one to end it. Not placing a value on it, just stating it as a fact. For some people it works, for some it doesn’t. For lots of different reasons. 

Of course, this is common sense! 
 

We all know roughly half of western marriages end in divorce - anyone with half a brain cell knows that. So so many long term relationships, short term relationships… the odds are, they will fail.

 

I find it fascinating when people opposed to marriage have never experienced it/been married so have no knowledge of what it takes to actually be married and in a long term partnership! 
 

I find it hard to take those opinions seriously because they come from no experience or first hand knowledge! 
 

Everyone is entitled to a view, but if anyone wants to know what it takes for a successful, happy marriage - I would personally listen to married couples who have been happily married for over a decade! Maybe like myself, definitely a lot of others who have chimed in here on this thread which is, after all, about creating good foundations for a great marriage! 
 

If you are single and don’t want to get married, what a couple who does want to get married decide to do before they tie a knot I imagine is irrelevant because it’s something you don’t believe in/will never do! 
 

I have to echo @Batya33 and say, I have absolutely never been one for fashion. Do not care what society says is right or what is cool. Being married for as long as we have takes major work and raising children in that is a huge commitment. 
 

I found this thread quite inspiring and positive hearing about all the good things couples can do before they decide to make that legal and “binding” commitment either in front of God, if you are religious, or in front of and witnessed by dear family members and friends. I also think it’s curious how all the negativity regarding marriage has come from people who have never experienced it! 
 

I find that often in life. I have gotten single women giving me marriage advice sometimes and I think… can anyone else see the irony here? I don’t know, is this just me? 🤪

 

Whether you believe in the concept of marriage as an institution or not is going to influence if you actually do get married or not - of course it will! If you have a very negative view of marriage, I suspect it is very unlikely you will marry, and of course, that is perfectly fine and natural in that stance! 
 

I happen to think it’s the best structure we have to navigate a long term relationship, and I find it highly romantic. It was important to me and my husband hence, obviously, why we’re married!

 

I wouldn’t have settled with a guy who just wanted something casual.

 

x

[mylolita]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I grew frustrated by the limited use of what was once called a ‘domestic partnership’. This was a stopgap measure for gay people to claim somewhat parallel rights with marriage before gay marriage became legal. But given all the work involved in creating this legality, I could never understand why it could not be adopted as a legal means for anyone to assume a domestic agreement with a designated other, regardless of whether that relationship was sexual in nature, or not.

For instance, an adult child could support and insure an elderly parent or a less fortunate sibling. Lifelong friends could combine their resources to care for one another, while one could cover the other under their health care plan. But without such a legal framework, no insurance companies, employers, hospitals, tax structures, etc. will recognize the validity of such a partnership. Apparently, just because it’s not sexual in nature.

I love marriage, and I love love. There are just so many more kinds of love than marriage, and yet that’s the only kind of union that legally protects one’s partner. I find that really short sighted and unfortunate.

Here in the UK catfeeder if you have lived with a partner for a set number of years, you start to legally gain a type of automatic civil partnership with assets can be split equally in court should the couple part.

 

One of my friends also is not married, but joined in a universal civil ceremony that is just as legally binding as marriage. They have been together 21 years and she is a straight woman and he a straight man.

 

x

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

Here in the UK catfeeder if you have lived with a partner for a set number of years, you start to legally gain a type of automatic civil partnership with assets can be split equally in court should the couple part.

 

One of my friends also is not married, but joined in a universal civil ceremony that is just as legally binding as marriage. They have been together 21 years and she is a straight woman and he a straight man.

 

x

In the US some states are common law -same idea and some are not.  But if that came up in a discussion about marriage  that would be interesting -like if one person had the view "let's not get married -after all we live together in X state so in a few years we'll be common law anyway, no difference.  That would be very telling about the person's view of marriage and to me very shocking if this was new information after being together for awhile.  Most men I dated shared with me early on their views on kids and marriage and I hadn't asked -they wanted me to know and typically it was that they were marriage minded and wanted a family.  Sometimes when I was younger there was a timing element like - I'm only 22 so I'd want to wait till X age to have a family. 

[mylolita]

14 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I agree (in bold above).  I was never one who was "ohhhhh, I so badly wanna get married!".  I honestly didn't care - for me it was always a case of if it happens, it happens.  Same with kids - if we have any, that's fine.  If not, that's fine too.  We both had/have the same mindset and that's why we work so well together.  I could easily have just lived together.

I like this Capricorn! 
 

I was fully prepared to be single forever too! I thought, if I ever do get married, hems going to have to knock my socks off! 
 

I just got “lucky” and found him very young. I suppose cupids stars aligned that night for me or something! 
 

I used to tell my friends I wanted to buy a little cottage, a vintage car and try to write a book 🤣 

 

I’m so glad how everything worked out but I don’t care what other people do or conduct their personal lives. I do advocate marriage - I think for traditionally minded couples, it’s a fantastic framework, and it feels very special and uniting to make a public promise, a vow, in front of people you care about. Solidifies your love to announce your commitment in my opinion. But of course it’s not for everyone.

 

I also think if people experience divorced parents, or see a lot of divorce, it jades them and can taint their view of marriage, understandably. A lot of my friends parents started getting divorced when we were about 11 years old and so many of them have gone on to not marry themselves. I think some of them witnessed marriages fall apart. I think those relationships wouldn’t have worked regardless (married or not) but, it can be devastating. 
 

I’m lucky that my parents have a happy marriage and some of my fond memories are seeing my Mum and Dad slow dancing in the kitchen to UB40 (very 80s!) and my Dad goosing my mums bum and nestling into her neck as she washed the dishes. They reminded me of teenagers and I do remember thinking - I want that for myself when I’m “grown up!” 
 

Can I be curious and ask, what made you decide to tie the knot? 
 

x

[mylolita]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In the US some states are common law -same idea and some are not.  But if that came up in a discussion about marriage  that would be interesting -like if one person had the view "let's not get married -after all we live together in X state so in a few years we'll be common law anyway, no difference.  That would be very telling about the person's view of marriage and to me very shocking if this was new information after being together for awhile.  Most men I dated shared with me early on their views on kids and marriage and I hadn't asked -they wanted me to know and typically it was that they were marriage minded and wanted a family.  Sometimes when I was younger there was a timing element like - I'm only 22 so I'd want to wait till X age to have a family. 

That’s interesting Batya! 
 

Some states similar to the UK maybe! 
 

Many couples here simply live together, and buy a house together unmarried and without children for the most part. My sister is an example of this. She is still in the process now of splitting assets even though she is not married, as they bought a house together.

 

No one has to get married now here in the UK. Women in my Grandma’s generation would not have been able to operate anything like my generation now. I think people who marry now really do believe in being a bit “old school” and tend to be traditionally minded, or religious. 
 

In the old vows, we all can recall “before the eyes of God” often included in most marriage vows. “Till death do us part” is also another famous line full of drama, emotion and gravitas. I have to give it to the Catholics - they take marriage very seriously and their vows are some of the “best!” and hefty. Our marriage ceremony was not a religious one, but we still both (sorry to say, very emotionally!) choked out:

 

 “I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife (husband),

to have and to hold

from this day forward,

for better,

for worse,

for richer,

for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish,

till death do us part.”

 

❤️