Before you decide to get married....

[SherrySher]

Before getting married, discuss bills, parenting style, debts, credit, religion, how to deal with one another's family together, what beliefs will be instilled in your children, childhood trauma, sexual expectations, partner expectations, financial expectations, family health history, mental health history, bucket list, life goals, dream home, careers and education, political views, and anything else you think is important.

Marrying is a lifetime commitment. All the fine print should be read first before signing.

It will save you a lot of surprises and incompatibility issues down the line.

[Seraphim]

100% LOOOOVEEE doesn’t triumph everything . Love is the icing on the cake . 

[Batya33]

We did and I think the list will vary for some but with rare exception -family  -kids? fur babies? neither? geographical restrictions (we had to do that as soon as we started dating/got back together) and some we already knew extremely well -career/educational and  religious values for example.  

And I think there's a place -for sure there is in traditional marriage vows -of having the same outlook on flexibility- stuff happens - external stuff too -health issues, financial issues, job issues - and it means that quite often you've committed to going with the flow, accommodating, compromising.  "She realized being a SAHM wasn't for her" "his sister got divorced and needed a place to stay" "he wanted to go back to school for another degree" - and the better you know someone before marriage the more this stuff doesn't rock the boat. I'm a fan of getting to know  someone at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time so the real life stuff that happens to all of us happens during the relationship and you see how the person handles it.

Thank you so very much for posting this.

[mylolita]

I have to concur Sherry! 
 

And, so nice to see you post!!!!!! 😘

 

Can I also add my little nod towards this? I find, morally - you just have to be on the same page. People have principles and they vary from person to person; they must gel in unison and agreement nicely! Even friendships I’ve found don’t work or won’t become deep if morally you are on completely different pages. It’s okay to think differently, no one can agree on everything, but you can’t compromise your own personal standards and principles to be with anyone (friendship or romantic!) it never seems to work! 
 

Great post!

 

x

[mylolita]

There is also a stigma out there that these in-depth and deep conversations are cringe, bunny boiler or too much for first, second and third dates! But I’d argue if you really click with someone, conversations run in all kinds of personal, open and revealing directions and all this stuff comes up naturally! 
 

Great conversations are made up of all this stuff, including the nitty gritty stuff like politics, religion, morals, life goals, dreams, strengths and weaknesses! And on and on! 
 

Fab post Sherry! I’m repeating myself! 
 

x

[waffle]

Physical attraction is paramount.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, waffle said:

Physical attraction is paramount.

I can't see any of the discussions Sherry referenced coming up unless there was a foundation of physical attraction and chemistry.  Yes if one person believes it's not important to be physically attracted to a spouse that person needs to speak up ASAP and early on because other than in a marriage of convenience that would be really really weird.

[waffle]

Right, I'm just thinking 30 - 40 years down the road or longer, is it really going to matter what your dream home is or what your parenting style was if your spouse has gained 20 pounds and you see someone at work younger and fitter that you'd like to get to know better?

No horse in this race at all.  Just asking.

[mylolita]

30 minutes ago, waffle said:

Right, I'm just thinking 30 - 40 years down the road or longer, is it really going to matter what your dream home is or what your parenting style was if your spouse has gained 20 pounds and you see someone at work younger and fitter that you'd like to get to know better?

No horse in this race at all.  Just asking.

I would say hopefully waffle, if you have a deep, “soul mate” type connection, 20lbs shouldn’t cause a split up.

 

I guess everyone is different, but for me personally, when I’m in love, I’m in love - I’m going to be here for my husband if he was in a car crash and became disabled for the rest of his life, or gained weight, or got sick, or lost all his money. 
 

Depending on how seriously you take wedding vows, it’s ride or die for some people (within reason, of course). 
 

People change and hopefully grow together throughout a marriage. I’ve only been with my husband 16 years so I can’t say I have the experience of a relationship over many decades, but I do know that when people truly click, and need each other, that kind of thing isn’t washed away easily. Being aligned on all the big things obviously helps and is pretty essential. 
 

I have heard of couples who have completely different political ideologies getting alone and well, but it seems to be rare. People tend to match like for like - roughly! 
 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Right, I'm just thinking 30 - 40 years down the road or longer, is it really going to matter what your dream home is or what your parenting style was if your spouse has gained 20 pounds and you see someone at work younger and fitter that you'd like to get to know better?

No horse in this race at all.  Just asking.

Yes if you feel that way discuss it in advance -how you feel about physical attraction and if your physical attraction is focused on what the person looks like at that time and that if the person looks different in a bad way to you you will be too tempted to cheat -that absolutely should be discussed in advance so the potential spouse will know whether they can adhere to that.  My husband  gained weight.  I lost weight.  I have wrinkles.  He has gray hair. 

I don't think dream home matters unless that is a big deal.  I think geography matters and lifestyle -so if a person is absolutely committed to farming then a person absolutely committed to being in a major city should strongly consider whether to marry the person.  If I were strongly committed to owning a specific type of home with a specific amount of property I should communicate that.  

As far as physical attraction I couldn't have married anyone who would have been tempted to cheat if I gained weight. -too stressful for me  I gained 35 pounds from pregnancy.  I then lost most of it right after but I was around 10 pounds over my pre pregnancy weight (I am petite so it shows) for approximately 5 months after pregnancy.  So from around October 2008-August 2009 I was overweight.  And quite large when pregnant -I waddled!! I thought I looked cute but you know that's just me lol.  I would never have married my husband if my being overweight for that period of time would have meant I was risking him being attracted to some thinner lady at his office or who he met on his travels such that that attraction would have actually tempted him to cheat.  But I can see where couples can discuss before marriage that a condition of staying married is [fill in the blank -you can't gain more than 5 pounds/you have to color your hair if it goes gray/do Botox if you get wrinkles).

My husband thinks I'm very cute -he says so! He wants to be intimate with me.  We're 57.  I'm fit and thin and I don't think I'm that cute - it's not easy getting older!! But -he does - and he is surrounded with much much younger looking and much much prettier ladies constantly.  I'm not worried.  I see handsome men around - they're nice to look at once in a blue moon - it's not my thing really but once in awhile I'll notice - it means NOTHING as far as my love and commitment to my husband.  It's just like oh he looks cute and oh wow I love how our park looks from a distance in the morning when the sun is coming up and -OMG what an adorable puppy!  Like that. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Right, I'm just thinking 30 - 40 years down the road or longer, is it really going to matter what your dream home is or what your parenting style was if your spouse has gained 20 pounds and you see someone at work younger and fitter that you'd like to get to know better?

No horse in this race at all.  Just asking.

There, there, just because one member of the Forum doesnt have physical attraction toward his date, doesnt mean you should "doom and gloom" on another pretty good thread. 

I say "pretty good" because lots of threads we have could be avoided if people just discussed that stuff in advance. And that many of them you should already know through the process of dating if they are important to you. "Important" because not everybody would care about something like politics. I first dont unless they are political extremists of both sides. And that would be very quickly revealed because those tend to blurt out politics even on first date. Heck, even on dating site bio.

I do agree that some like where will you live, needs to be discuss later in the relationship when its time for it. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I would say hopefully waffle, if you have a deep, “soul mate” type connection, 20lbs shouldn’t cause a split up.

 

I guess everyone is different, but for me personally, when I’m in love, I’m in love - I’m going to be here for my husband if he was in a car crash and became disabled for the rest of his life, or gained weight, or got sick, or lost all his money. 
 

Depending on how seriously you take wedding vows, it’s ride or die for some people (within reason, of course). 
 

People change and hopefully grow together throughout a marriage. I’ve only been with my husband 16 years so I can’t say I have the experience of a relationship over many decades, but I do know that when people truly click, and need each other, that kind of thing isn’t washed away easily. Being aligned on all the big things obviously helps and is pretty essential. 
 

I have heard of couples who have completely different political ideologies getting alone and well, but it seems to be rare. People tend to match like for like - roughly! 
 

x

For me 16 years is - a long time!! I’ve known mine for 29 years together a total of 20 or so.  But he absolute had to know before we got back together would I be willing to relocate for his career. I said yes. I had a few caveats. One was a location he wouldn’t want either and another was also very understandable to him. And would I be willing to relocate more than once for his career. 
I love him so much AND if he’d told me while we were dating hey I decided I don’t ever want kids I’d have been compelled to end our relationship. But if he said look would you reconsider Nebraska because turns out they have this great opportunity- I mean sure ok. 

But I mean - for marriage - yes if he gained 100 pounds because of alcoholism and refused to get help - I mean I don’t know especially if he was abusing me. Or started abusing drugs etc. obviously there are changes that are at a level of “I do not know you anymore at all and you doing this means you’re not really committed to us anymore “. But weight gain and wrinkles and hair loss etc - part of life ?

[mylolita]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For me 16 years is - a long time!! I’ve known mine for 29 years together a total of 20 or so.  But he absolute had to know before we got back together would I be willing to relocate for his career. I said yes. I had a few caveats. One was a location he wouldn’t want either and another was also very understandable to him. And would I be willing to relocate more than once for his career. 
I love him so much AND if he’d told me while we were dating hey I decided I don’t ever want kids I’d have been compelled to end our relationship. But if he said look would you reconsider Nebraska because turns out they have this great opportunity- I mean sure ok. 

But I mean - for marriage - yes if he gained 100 pounds because of alcoholism and refused to get help - I mean I don’t know especially if he was abusing me. Or started abusing drugs etc. obviously there are changes that are at a level of “I do not know you anymore at all and you doing this means you’re not really committed to us anymore “. But weight gain and wrinkles and hair loss etc - part of life ?

It feels like a blink of an eye to me Batya! 😭 But I know what you mean! It’s a decent time. I’m very proud! My marriage and my children are my biggest achievements! 🥲

 

And weight gain and all of this I mean, falls under real trivial stuff to me it really does. How strong is your bond and love if some water retention is gonna turn off your eternal bond!? 😂

 

Of course my love is not absolutely unconditional. If he did something heinously criminal, or yes became abusive - I couldn’t stand for any of that. 
 

I remember just talking and talking and talking and we never wanted to stop, on our first meet and our first date! The bar staff had to throw us out because they wanted to close! I remember by about date three I felt like so much had been discussed - big and small. We couldn’t be parted! After three dates I knew where he wanted to go in life, what his passions and hates were, if he was religious or not, his political beliefs, his relationship to his family and close friends (I’d met them by then ha!) and his relationship history and dreams and generally what kind of man he was. 
 

I couldn’t tell for certain, I hadn’t known him long enough but if you pay attention and your intuition about someone is firing on all cylinders, you can be scarily accurate about these things.

 

I am absolutely in awe to say, he never proved me wrong, and he was exactly what was worn on his sleeve! 
 

People change over time as well, some people can change quite drastically in a way. You have to fall in love with the essence of them deep inside. Strangely if I had to attempt to summarise it up (I could never!) I would say I am in love with his brain, and his heart, and his “soul”. His outer shell is lovely, I am wildly attracted to him, but honestly? Appearance alone is not what makes me adore him at all. I can confidently say it’s the same for him. I know he loves some unseen, hidden aspect of me that’s not available to the rest of the world. He tells me sometimes the song ‘Secret Garden’ by Bruce Springsteen reminds him of me. I think that’s what real love is. Seeing something in someone no one else does, and knowing that unknown thing no one else knows. You capture it and are bewitched by it and I suppose, it stands the test of time because it’s something “other” and transcendental to weight and stylish clothes and a confidence and things like that. 
 

When you’re in love, everything that person does, says, is and touches - owns - becomes quite magic. And it’s magic because you love them, not because it was magic regardless 🥲

 

*CRIES* 🤣🤣🤣

 

I took my wedding vows deadly serious. “Till death do is part” and I meant it. The more I look around, I get the feeling a lot of people don’t feel the same gravitas for their vows as I did. You have to be all in or I doubt it can work happily or last, in the end. 
 

Being on the same page from the off is a fantastic start, but it’s not everything. You need so much more than the basics. This is the mystery of the successful marriage. It’s extremely complicated but beyond simple, all at the same time! 

 

x

[DarkCh0c0]

@mylolita @Batya33 do you ladies have marriage rules? Like, you don't go to sleep upset unless you solve the disagreement?

[mylolita]

12 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@mylolita @Batya33 do you ladies have marriage rules? Like, you don't go to sleep upset unless you solve the disagreement?

I wish Dark LOL! 
 

Joking - we kind of do but they are “unspoken unwritten” ones. One of our main ones is “don’t argue in front of the kids”. 
 

Been to sleep absolutely furiously and outrageous seething at my husband before!!!! In separate beds! We’ve had some terrible nights. He is actually normally the one to make peace and approach me. We’ve never had a fall out last more than 24 hours and we never do the silent treatment as, I’m not quite the silent type… 🤣 

 

The sentiment between us is, we’re in this together, we’re madly in love and you’re also my best friend. Let’s work through stuff and for the rest of it, enjoy ourselves! 
 

I think the one thing that has kept us fresh is the fact we are extremely playful and flirtatious with each other and always have been. We both have a bizarre sense of humour. Mine is quite a dark sense of humour maybe. It’s got us through a lot! And I know he is the only person on this planet who truly understands me. My parents don’t, my sibling doesn’t - my friends never did. But he does. He knows me so well he knows what I’m thinking sometimes before I think it! And that to me is too precious to ever throw away on a whimsy! 
 

I actually love hearing about long term relationships and everyone’s nuanced little modes of operating!!! 
 

x

[Cherylyn]

Those are all important points @SherrySher. 

Not everyone scrutinizes every requirement but fortunately some couples will find "the one" in each other.  I wanted to marry a very moral man and got him!  🙂 Another 'tick the box' to consider is it's very important that the man (or woman) hails from a great family with positive influences and role models because it sets the tone and stage for married life. 

Fast forward years later,  two sons,  roses and the white picket fence.  It's a very established,  settled and stable life.  Granted,  it's not for everyone but he's always been my steady.  ❤️ 🤗

Haste makes waste to be sure.  Better safe than sorry.

[yogacat]

I've never wanted to marry, just not for me, but I think my sister and her now ex husband were very in tune this way. They had what looked like the perfect marriage and they were very happy but after 20 years together and two children it all fell apart.

I always wonder how those that manage to stay together for 20+ years can suddenly fall out of love. Was there always doubt hidden? Was it a gradual thing that got too much?

Honestly I have no answers but I do know that it doesn't matter how much you plan or communicate, unexpected things can happen that can change everything. I think this is a great topic raised by the asker and I would like to shout it from the rooftops. Thank you for sharing this.

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I've never wanted to marry, just not for me, but I think my sister and her now ex husband were very in tune this way. They had what looked like the perfect marriage and they were very happy but after 20 years together and two children it all fell apart.

I always wonder how those that manage to stay together for 20+ years can suddenly fall out of love. Was there always doubt hidden? Was it a gradual thing that got too much?

Honestly I have no answers but I do know that it doesn't matter how much you plan or communicate, unexpected things can happen that can change everything. I think this is a great topic raised by the asker and I would like to shout it from the rooftops. Thank you for sharing this.

I've noticed this phenomenon, too @yogacat.  There are some couples whom I know who divorced after they became empty nesters.   It's easier to part ways because there are no more child rearing responsibilities.  Some couples hung on to prevent breaking up the family while kids were still of school age.  Now that their grown adult children are economically independent,   parents have 'free bird' status.  It is sad though.  Very sad.  😢 Perhaps divorce is easier to cope for their grown adult children after they've flown the coop and became very busy with their own new lives with relocation,  careers,  marriage,  family, etc.

[mylolita]

48 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I've never wanted to marry, just not for me, but I think my sister and her now ex husband were very in tune this way. They had what looked like the perfect marriage and they were very happy but after 20 years together and two children it all fell apart.

I always wonder how those that manage to stay together for 20+ years can suddenly fall out of love. Was there always doubt hidden? Was it a gradual thing that got too much?

Honestly I have no answers but I do know that it doesn't matter how much you plan or communicate, unexpected things can happen that can change everything. I think this is a great topic raised by the asker and I would like to shout it from the rooftops. Thank you for sharing this.

This is sad Yoga and a shame! 
 

I do look at a lot of other couples and I have a feeling they are not “desperately in love” which, I think is needed along with the other practical things. 
 

I do also feel like, after speaking to divorced people - generally they seem unhappy as well. Often the grass isn’t always greener. 
 

Sometimes I wonder - did they simply grow ungrateful for the special bond they had? Did it become too familiar and therefore temporarily lose that “specialness” it held in the early days? 
 

I was fully welcome to spend my whole life single if it meant waiting for the right man to come along - but ironically, I’ve spent none of my adult life single, as I ended up meeting my husband when I was 18! 
 

The beautiful things I enjoy about being in a long term relationship are maybe the things people grow tired of. Like seeing my husbands personal things about the house (because he’s not tidy like me). Instead of annoying me it gives my heart a little pang! The knowing he’s always there, which can become irritating and stifling to some, soothes and comforts me. 
 

I spoke to an older lady once who worked and shared a business with her husband. We were taking about marriage and relationships. I was a newly wed back then (only 3 years in) and she said, when talking about her husband - “I don’t know. My Brian and me - we’re a sure thing.”

 

That simple sentence seemed to sun it all up to me. You can’t explain it to anyone else, but you have an unshakeable confidence in that fact you’re together and you’re not budging. I suppose it’s as trusting as you can get. 
 

I think sometimes people who drift away in marriages allow it. Small grievances build up, over years they become unspeakable, where even they themselves can’t put their finger on what is wrong but it just is. And the couple don’t seem to have the energy or will to fight for their love anymore. The belief and passion is gone for it. They no longer happily tell their love story in their own minds and that historically great tale of how they met and how they are together is replaced with lists of hurts and complaints and what the other does wrong or doesn’t do anymore. 
 

All guessing, of course! Sometimes people simply make the wrong match as well, cope with it but suddenly wake up and realise they’ve been lying to themselves and don’t want to go on. Which is understandable!

 

I’m speculating of course! And I’ve only been with my husband 16 years - not like we’ve been married for 65 plus like my Grandparents were!

 

You don’t just want longevity - you want genuine happiness and contentment in your marriage and I think that’s the key! 
 

x

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@mylolita @Batya33 do you ladies have marriage rules? Like, you don't go to sleep upset unless you solve the disagreement?

Not so much spoken but more unspoken - like I don't think either of us would leave any real disagreement hanging if he was going on a business trip - like -I know it's superstitious but oh my god what if our last convo was a disagreement and there was a plane crash.  Also for me personally I won't text/email angry stuff if I can possibly avoid it.  He doesn't either.  We talk when we can have time to do so.  

Also he defers to me as far as when we leave for the airport (if up to him he'd cut it wayyyyy too close LOL).

Edited to add as this thread reminded me and the question about rules.  43 years ago I had my first babysitting job for my upstairs neighbor.  They were a young couple with a baby.  They were a striking couple because - this was in the early 80s- she was about 5 feet tall.  He was well over 6 feet.  She was very pale skinned and he was very dark skinned! The baby slept most often so I could -look around lol. 

On their refrigerator was a paper attached with magnets and it had  - how the chores were divided up between them.  I mean -my mom worked at that point -part time like 20 hours a week and my older sister I think had moved out already - but - my mom -was a traditional housewife married in the mid 1950s. 

My dad actually did do quite a lot around the house but to see it -spelled out like this - divided up -like a contract I guess -I was in shock and also sort of assumed she'd been the one to require it.  I was in awe of her for doing that.  I always wondered if it actually worked that way in practice!

[yogacat]

28 minutes ago, mylolita said:

This is sad Yoga and a shame! 
 

I do look at a lot of other couples and I have a feeling they are not “desperately in love” which, I think is needed along with the other practical things. 
 

I do also feel like, after speaking to divorced people - generally they seem unhappy as well. Often the grass isn’t always greener. 
 

Sometimes I wonder - did they simply grow ungrateful for the special bond they had? Did it become too familiar and therefore temporarily lose that “specialness” it held in the early days? 
 

I was fully welcome to spend my whole life single if it meant waiting for the right man to come along - but ironically, I’ve spent none of my adult life single, as I ended up meeting my husband when I was 18! 
 

The beautiful things I enjoy about being in a long term relationship are maybe the things people grow tired of. Like seeing my husbands personal things about the house (because he’s not tidy like me). Instead of annoying me it gives my heart a little pang! The knowing he’s always there, which can become irritating and stifling to some, soothes and comforts me. 
 

I spoke to an older lady once who worked and shared a business with her husband. We were taking about marriage and relationships. I was a newly wed back then (only 3 years in) and she said, when talking about her husband - “I don’t know. My Brian and me - we’re a sure thing.”

 

That simple sentence seemed to sun it all up to me. You can’t explain it to anyone else, but you have an unshakeable confidence in that fact you’re together and you’re not budging. I suppose it’s as trusting as you can get. 
 

I think sometimes people who drift away in marriages allow it. Small grievances build up, over years they become unspeakable, where even they themselves can’t put their finger on what is wrong but it just is. And the couple don’t seem to have the energy or will to fight for their love anymore. The belief and passion is gone for it. They no longer happily tell their love story in their own minds and that historically great tale of how they met and how they are together is replaced with lists of hurts and complaints and what the other does wrong or doesn’t do anymore. 
 

All guessing, of course! Sometimes people simply make the wrong match as well, cope with it but suddenly wake up and realise they’ve been lying to themselves and don’t want to go on. Which is understandable!

 

I’m speculating of course! And I’ve only been with my husband 16 years - not like we’ve been married for 65 plus like my Grandparents were!

 

You don’t just want longevity - you want genuine happiness and contentment in your marriage and I think that’s the key! 
 

x

Yes, they always seemed super in love. Affectionate with each other, teasing each other and just seemingly happy. They have those little private jokes and always seem to be on the same page. They were also very patient with each other, which I thought was amazing. 

I think that's the key too - genuine contentment and happiness. And like you said, being a "sure thing" for each other. 

I've also heard from many divorced people that divorcing their spouse was one of the hardest things they've done and they still love them in some way, but just can't be together anymore. People aren't naturally mono-focused creatures; we have a variety of instincts that served us well in ancient times, but can seem like conflicting drives to us. 

I think also, adults are just naturally complicated to each other. Lots of interlinked layers of ridiculousness but you only have ONE lifetime to iron those problems out and share closeness with each other. So that takes effort and that is work. I think people lose the love of work in general. 

The core is, nobody will ever know how and why your special bond happened and flourished. But it is worth cherishing.

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Those are all important points @SherrySher. 

Not everyone scrutinizes every requirement but fortunately some couples will find "the one" in each other.  I wanted to marry a very moral man and got him!  🙂 Another 'tick the box' to consider is it's very important that the man (or woman) hails from a great family with positive influences and role models because it sets the tone and stage for married life. 

Fast forward years later,  two sons,  roses and the white picket fence.  It's a very established,  settled and stable life.  Granted,  it's not for everyone but he's always been my steady.  ❤️ 🤗

I relate to this post the most. I can't ever remember us sitting down and discussing any of the "check list" but I realize for the vast majority of people it's not the norm.  It was a whole other world back then and we just worked well together and faced any "crisis" when and if it happened and still do.  We never have things like "chore lists" for me to do, or him to do - I find that incredibly weird and more something I would do with very young children etc.  

Anyway, I just wanted to say nice post Cherylyn.

[Seraphim]

8 hours ago, waffle said:

Right, I'm just thinking 30 - 40 years down the road or longer, is it really going to matter what your dream home is or what your parenting style was if your spouse has gained 20 pounds and you see someone at work younger and fitter that you'd like to get to know better?

No horse in this race at all.  Just asking.

We are 35 years into our relationship and an extra 20 pounds on either of us hasn’t made a difference. 

[LootieTootie]

9 hours ago, mylolita said:

I have heard of couples who have completely different political ideologies getting alone and well, but it seems to be rare. People tend to match like for like - roughly! 

Yes, husband and I were totally at opposite ends when it comes to political ideologies when we met. My husband is an extremely intelligent guy and he loves a great debate. I always said he went into the wrong professional, should have gone into academia. We are close to our 8 year anniversary and I want to say we both have grown to become more in the middle. I don't know if its because of any influences from each other but I would say just more so because of life experiences after being together. 

 

9 hours ago, waffle said:

Right, I'm just thinking 30 - 40 years down the road or longer, is it really going to matter what your dream home is or what your parenting style was if your spouse has gained 20 pounds and you see someone at work younger and fitter that you'd like to get to know better?

It just depends on the person. I know for my husband and I, we see people as "oh they're good-looking" matter of factly feeling - nothing more. Not "they're good-looking. I want to know them more" feeling. I think most people who think the latter are 1) someone who is unhappy with themselves or life and seeking fulfillment in others, or/and 2) not getting enough attention/sex from S.O. or/and 3) just a cheater (but if been married for 30-40 years, I'm sure the partner would already know this).

 

6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@mylolita @Batya33 do you ladies have marriage rules? Like, you don't go to sleep upset unless you solve the disagreement?

We don't fight a lot but when we fight, we agree that we need space or break. So even a 15-30 min space away from each other helps.

Another rule is we don't need to spend every day off together but at least make one night of the week a date night - and it can be at home together. 

Another rule is decision making. We don't always agree how to problem-solve, like 95% of the time but we are good about picking our battles. However, there are 2 things that have always been contentious. Money and Pets. So we divvy it up to Husband takes care of the money and I make the last decision on our Pets when it comes to medical care.

These things are things we didnt talk about prior to getting hitched, 1) how do you handle conflict, 2) how do you compromise, 3) what do you think a couple should do with their free time. These are things that I think people need to talk about with a potential partner when things get serious, but I know sometimes these things aren't something that can be said but only experienced with the other person.

UNPOPULAR Opinion: I really believe that when it gets serious with someone you are with, you should definitely have a marriage trial with the person by living with them. ONLY THEN WILL YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF IN TO.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

have a marriage trial with the person by living with them. ONLY THEN WILL YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF IN TO.

Have you done it without?

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

We don't fight a lot but when we fight, we agree that we need space or break. So even a 15-30 min space away from each other helps.

Another rule is we don't need to spend every day off together but at least make one night of the week a date night - and it can be at home together

Awww weekly date night! That's cute. Are you able to sustain it?