Am I over reacting, or should he be allowed to talk to his ex.

[RobustMouse]

Hello everyone, sorry for the long post.

My boyfriend ("mark") and I have only been together about a week and half, but have known each other for over a year. We finally got together and I was the happiest woman ever.

Until I discovered his ex was talking to him

His ex ("Anna") was someone who was a very close friend to him (Talking hours over the phone) that HE wanted to date, and she rejected it saying she was not ready for a relationship. He made it clear he wanted to date her. They did sleep together a few times.

It was 5 months since they last spoke, that she called him after we got together and said "What's your relationship status?" and he told her about me. THats the extent of what I know.

Last night we were together, and she called him.

I expected him to pick it up and tell her not to call him to chat any more since he was with me, and she essentially was his ex. TO my surprise, we get into an arguement.

• He says that "it is my mission in life to be there for people, and she is going through a lot, and I am her only friend."
• Starts making rules "I wont talk to her if your over."
• "I cant control what she does."

He has assured me, I am the only one he wants, that he loves me - and I do believe him. He is a wonderful man with a huge heart. He did ask me, "Do you want me to stop talking to her all together?"

Here's the deal - she's an ex. He shouldn't be telling her. If there were once feelings, than that person needs to be stopped.(IMO)

I don't want him to stop talking to her, because I said so. I would have wanted him to do this on his own merit.

She clearly, (I think) is someone he feels he needs to be able to connect with, even if its only talking to her. Other wise, why not block her or tell her to stop calling?

He has mentioned her a lot. "Anna and I did this." "Anna did this."

Not obsessively, but he mentioned her.

MY logical brain is telling me "They are just chatting; she just needs help. He loves me so who cares?"

The emotional brain is "Something isn't right. I don't know if he as a hero complex, or if he just doesn't get this!"

How would you feel if your partner's ex was having occasional platonic calls with your partner?

• I truly believe he loves me, and if not interested in dating her any longer. This isnt me worried about getting cheated on. I don;t want to be controlling, and tell him no, I wanted 'Mark' to tell 'Anna' "I have a girlfriend. We can't talk. Sorry" and instead I get him telling me she has no friends and might need him. 
• I have asked him, "Why does she has to call YOU. Can she not talk to anyone else?" And he says "No, she trusts me"
• This is not happening often. Mostly when she gets bored or drunk and calls him. He does not call her to chat. (1-2 times a week maybe)
• I suspect he has a hero complex and wants to be everybody's helper.
• The worst feeling is that he said, "I dont control what she does. So in the future if we see her calling, can we just ignore it and go back to what we are doing?"
• My emotional side is believing that while he loves me only, he still has residual feelings for her.

 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, RobustMouse said:

His ex ("Anna") was someone who was a very close friend to him (Talking hours over the phone) that HE wanted to date, and she rejected it saying she was not ready for a relationship. He made it clear he wanted to date her. They did sleep together a few times.

Yeah, he still wants her and is in friend zone hoping she will take him back sometimes. That is why he answers her drunk calls.

He is allowed to talk to his ex, you cant forbid him that. But you also are allowed not to like it and not be in a relationship with somebody who is like that. Because that guy would leave you as soon as she wants him back. Not really somebody you should build a relationship with.

[smackie9]

He's being an idiot, and a jerk. Yes he does have control over what she does...he can block/delete her number after he tells her to stop contacting him. If he loved you so much he would go to the ends of the earth to make you happy. You just wasted a week and a half of your time, dump this chump.

[Batya33]

I would be and have been fine with it if - the person knew about our relationship and I had the opportunity to meet the person and the person was supportive of the relationship between me and him. 

If it's his "mission in life" to "be there for people" does that mean that if she calls and he is her only friend and he is on a date with you he goes with his mission and will "be there" for her and leave you alone on your date if you are doing fine at that moment and she asks for him to "be there" for her? If he truly has no boundaries to his Mission then make it your Mission to be there for -yourself.  And treat yourself with respect. I'd tell him -I'm fine with you being in touch as long as she knows you and I are a couple and as long as she is happy for you that you are in a relationship and she acts in a supportive way about our relationship.

[RobustMouse]

She does know about our relationship. He will not answer her if we are together. 

He would never leave a date to be with her. He will not be there with her in person.

I am wondering if he is a big idiot who just doesnt see the wrong.

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, RobustMouse said:

She does know about our relationship. He will not answer her if we are together. 

He would never leave a date to be with her. He will not be there with her in person.

I am wondering if he is a big idiot who just doesnt see the wrong.

He’s not a big idiot who doesn’t see wrong. He simply is a person who prioritizes being close with his ex girlfriend. And he’s lying when he says his “mission” is to “be there” for people. You told him you’re upset. He’s not there for you in that situation. And if he won’t be with a person in person who needs support and asks him then obviously his mission is not to be there for people. He’s simply a typical person who tries to be supportive when he can and a typical person who does what pleases him. It pleases him more to be her close friend than it does to change his behavior because if your discomfort. Is he open to you meeting her ?

[shouldhavelearned]

She knows he's got someone else and she probably doesn't.

[yogacat]

Just because someone is an ex, doesn't mean they can't be friends or confide in each other. As long as he's not hiding anything or being deceptive about it, I don't see why it should be an issue. 

Albeit, I would have a problem if it was interfering in our time together (meaning if we were hanging out and she was constantly calling) or if they are sharing too much personal information, that should be reserved for a relationship, not a friendship.

Or, if he was being inappropriate with her.

But it doesn't seem like that's the case here. If it were, we wouldn't be dating for long.

I'm wondering why though, if you have only been dating for a week and a half and that he already loves you, what was he doing for the year before you both got into a relationship? Presumably you didn't go from nothing to exclusive overnight.

[ShySoul]

My brother and his first wife had a really messy and ugly divorce. They had no children to tie them together. By many people's standards they should have had nothing to do with each other ever again.

And yet, they found a way to stay friends eventually. He would stay in contact with her parents and was there if she needed something. She gave support when his daughter got a terminal illness. When he took his son back to the west coast for a vacation, she gave them a place to stay and helpd make sure the child had a blast with trips to SeaWorld, Legoland, and more. Neither she nor more my brother wanted to get back together. They realized they made better friends then a couple. They still cared about each other and wanted to help each other out.

Just because two people are no longer a couple, doesn't mean they have to erase each other from their lives. If they can find a way to be friends, that's a good thing. And no one else has the right to tell a person who they can or can't be friends with. 

The important thing is not who else he talks to, it's how well he treats you. It's if he shows you respect and love. He offered to not talk to her, even though it is important to him. If he was willing to make the sacrifice for you, that means you are even more important to him. Don't fault him for not immediately dropping contact with people he cares about (non romantically) as a way of showing his love for you.

21 hours ago, RobustMouse said:

He says that "it is my mission in life to be there for people, and she is going through a lot, and I am her only friend."

That's the hallmark of a good person. He is the kind of guy who wants to be there for people, who doesn't want someone to suffer. If there is something he can do for a person, even just listen, he will do it. That is also the kind of guy who will do the same for you, who will do his best to be there and support you when you needed. It also shows he doesn't just give up on people and drop them. He still wants to help people, regardless what might have happened between them. I'd take that as a postive sign for your relationship.

 

[poorlittlefish]

He's been your boyfriend for a week and a half, but he's already saying he loves you? I'd be very wary of someone who does this while continuing to be close to their ex. He's still talking to her and about her. I wouldn't feel at all comfortable with any of this. 

[DarkCh0c0]

On 7/1/2024 at 9:30 AM, RobustMouse said:

He has mentioned her a lot. "Anna and I did this." "Anna did this."

He's not over her. 

59 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

He's been your boyfriend for a week and a half, but he's already saying he loves you? I'd be very wary of someone who does this while continuing to be close to their ex. He's still talking to her and about her. I wouldn't feel at all comfortable with any of this. 

This is spot on.

He claims he loves you in a week of being your bf? What is this? Insta-relationship?

Why stick around when you have a bad feeling all over this? If she changes her mind to be with him, he'll be dropping you like a hot potato. You're his backup.

[TeeDee]

On 7/1/2024 at 2:30 AM, RobustMouse said:

My boyfriend ("mark") and I have only been together about a week and half, but have known each other for over a year.

* * * 

• I truly believe he loves me,

Slow your roll.  You have only been together 10 days.  It's not love.  

I occasionally talk to EXs if I bump into them.  I have sent EXs messages of condolence when a family member of theirs dies but people who are in regular communication with an EX who don't share children with those people are not emotionally available to date.  

She wasn't all over him when you & him were just friends.  The minute he started dating you, he suddenly became more attractive to her because somebody else wanted him.  Since he wanted her but she rejected him, now that she's around it's only a matter of time before he picks her.   If you end things you get to keep your dignity.  

[Andrina]

You two have different relationship boundaries. You communicated to him about the issue. He's not changing how he handles this part of his life. Your life with him continues to be upsetting because of an issue that might never end.

Time to realize you two are incompatible. That's the point of dating. You're vetting at the beginning and should be cutting off a person as early as you see a dealbreaker. He has a right to be who he is and you have a right to say, "This isn't working for me." And then walk away.

[RobustMouse]

I am talking to him tonight. I am not sure where this is going to go. We've been friends over a year, and have been telling eachother we love eachother for months now. Platonically. Once we got together, it just stayed.

When I was over there last, he put his phone down, shut it off, and was with me and only me. I am still angry that he thinks its ok for her to call him. I don't like that he said "I can't control her." 

I don't want a boyfriend who thinks its ok for an a ex. (Again, they never truly dated, and had barely been in contact before he and I got together) to call him. I have spent this entire ***ing week wondering, if he talking to her? How many hours? About what? Is she being inapproriate to him?"

 

[TeeDee]

He is right about one thing.  He can't control her.  But he can control himself.  He needs to make it clear that he's taken. 

If you are not inclined to break up at the very least you need to follow the Art of War:  keep your friends close but your enemies closer.  Ask him to invite her and a date to do something with you & your guy.  Perhaps if she sees him with you, she will power down.  I doubt it, but once you see him & her interact you may be clearer about enforcing your own boundary.  

[RobustMouse]

In all honesty, I do not know if this is a 'hes my friend and I want to drunk call him at 2am' or if its 'do you still want me?' I will talk to him tonight.

I honestly wish I had never asked him to be mine. In the future. I will make sure to ask anyone I date if he is still talkking to an ex even if its platonic.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, RobustMouse said:

In all honesty, I do not know if this is a 'hes my friend and I want to drunk call him at 2am' or if its 'do you still want me?' I will talk to him tonight.

I honestly wish I had never asked him to be mine. In the future. I will make sure to ask anyone I date if he is still talkking to an ex even if its platonic.

No you should not ask this.  It's airing dirty laundry.  Simply say in general "If we are going to be a couple I am not comfortable with you being in touch with any exes in any way unless it's a true emergency."  I wouldn't ask if the person is I wouldn't pry into that kind of thing -you have a black and white rule set in stone (I would like to know that as I never could date someone ever with that sort of rule but this way you screen out those who still are friends with exes, people they dated, etc. -my husband and I have been/are over the many years we've known each other -never a problem).

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Boy I have a lot to say about this situation!!

On 6/30/2024 at 11:30 PM, RobustMouse said:

Last night we were together, and she called him.

I expected him to pick it up and tell her not to call him to chat any more since he was with me, and she essentially was his ex. 

First off she is NOT an "ex" so please stop referring to her that way.  It's misleading and garnering responses that don't apply because she is NOT an ex.  She is a female friend he liked at one point but she wasn't interested in dating and they remained friends.

Now he is in a relationship with YOU.  And loves YOU.

On 6/30/2024 at 11:30 PM, RobustMouse said:

He has assured me, I am the only one he wants, that he loves me - and I do believe him. He is a wonderful man with a huge heart. He did ask me, "Do you want me to stop talking to her all together?

3 hours ago, RobustMouse said:

When I was over there last, he put his phone down, shut it off, and was with me and only me.

^^He did everything right here.  He reassured you, shut his off phone and gave you his full attention.  So what's the problem again?

3 hours ago, RobustMouse said:

I don't want a boyfriend who thinks its ok for an a ex. (Again, they never truly dated, and had barely been in contact before he and I got together) to call him. I have spent this entire ***ing week wondering, if he talking to her? How many hours? About what? Is she being inapproriate to him?"

^^This is YOUR anxiety, YOUR insecurities, and IMO unreasonable expectations at play here.  And as such, it's up to you as a grown woman to manage them.

That said, if you don't want a boyfriend who maintains friendships with women (again she is NOT an ex), then STOP dating him.

It really is that simple.  You will never control him or any boyfriend no matter how much you dislike it, cry, scream, yell and start arguments.

You can only control your own reaction so again if you don't want a boyfriend who has female friendships (which is what this is), then stop dating him.

It's your choice.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

One more thing to add to my previous.

I think it's unreasonable to expect a man you just started dating to drop his female friends with whom he's been friends with for years just because he has started dating you.

Which is what this woman is, a friend, NOT an ex.

I also think you should TRUST that if she were to step over friendship boundaries and begin behaving inappropriately, he would put a stop to it.

But from what I have read she has not done that.  As for him, again he reassures you that he wants and loves only YOU and gives you his 100% full attention when with you, shuts off his phone etc.

Lastly, it's perfectly OKAY to not want to date a man who has female friends.  That's your boundary and you're entitled to it.

What you are not entitled to is to make demands that he give up his female friends because he is now dating you.  Get upset and create arguments. 

That is unreasonable IMO.

My advice since their friendship winds you up so much and creates so much anxiety for you is wish him well and walk away.

It's only been a week and a half, shouldn't be that difficult.

Again, your choice.

 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Which is what this woman is, a friend, NOT an ex.

I also think you should TRUST that if she were to step over friendship boundaries and begin behaving inappropriately, he would put a stop to it.

What concerned me was that he told her basically his mission is to be there for all people and that's when I questioned this further -like where does that end and how would a girlfriend fit into this? Then she clarified that he didn't mean it that broadly. 

[Jaunty]

Like some others here, my biggest concern is that you've been dating a guy for 10 days and you are calling it LOVE and expecting the other person to change for you.

Yes, I understand that you were friends for a year and had "platonic" love.  That is not in the same category.

If you feel strongly that a person has to shut off contact with anyone he's been close with in their past (no - this is not his "EX" - though I would also include real exes) because they've been dating you for a week and a half - that is your prerogative.  But do not think that you can make rules or control him.  All you can do is state your boundaries:  Make it clear to him that you will not be with him if he is friends with people he knew before if he'd had any kind of sexual or romantic interest in them, or whatever your parameters are.

Then it's up to YOU to leave if he does not change his life in that way for the sake of your relationship.

I agree with the posters who have said that this shows a giant basic incompatibility though and I hope he does not choose to change for you.  There are plenty of men who believe the same things about relationships from the past as you do.   You will be much happier with one of them.

For the record, I am friends with real exes including an ex spouse and my partner respects my feelings and reasons for doing so - and they do the same.   This works out for US.  It's not good for YOU.

 

[TeeDee]

I think this guy's relationship with this "friend" is a grey area.  

He wanted to date the other woman.  She said no.  He is still in contact with her.  That makes him an orbiter.  As soon as he starts dating the OP all of sudden this girl is calling him all the time.    Now even though he has been a decent guy & pays some attention to the OP, I still get the sense that the OP might be his second choice.  I would be leery of this friend because he liked her before.  If he can see clearly that her new found interest in him is primarily because the OP finds him attractive & that knowledge makes him recognize that she's playing games, then the OP has nothing to worry about but if he is wondering if he has a shot & second guessing being with the OP that is a problem.  

To me, it's not all that clear.  

[graphicdesigner]

On 7/3/2024 at 4:55 PM, Batya33 said:

What concerned me was that he told her basically his mission is to be there for all people and that's when I questioned this further -like where does that end and how would a girlfriend fit into this? Then she clarified that he didn't mean it that broadly. 

What exactly does he mean by that? Is he a missioner? I don't get this feeling of "wanting to be there for all people" statement. Is that his way of not blocking/deleting her contact info?

[Jaunty]

I have a problem with the concept of a person having the authority to "allow" their partner to do something or not.  

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I think this guy's relationship with this "friend" is a grey area.  

He wanted to date the other woman.  She said no.  He is still in contact with her.  That makes him an orbiter.  As soon as he starts dating the OP all of sudden this girl is calling him all the time.    Now even though he has been a decent guy & pays some attention to the OP, I still get the sense that the OP might be his second choice.  I would be leery of this friend because he liked her before.  If he can see clearly that her new found interest in him is primarily because the OP finds him attractive & that knowledge makes him recognize that she's playing games, then the OP has nothing to worry about but if he is wondering if he has a shot & second guessing being with the OP that is a problem.  

To me, it's not all that clear.  

I don't think it matters.  The issue is the OP doesn't like their friendship, it causes her tons of anxiety, it brings out the worst in her.  Causes arguments and drama which she initiates.

After only a week and a half, I wouldn't even bother analyzing what his feelings are, simply end this very VERY brief interaction.

Life is too short to put oneself through this type of stress and anxiety, again it's only been a week and a half.