I feel chemistry with her, but I’m not sure I’m physically attracted

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What's interesting about this is that for me, and perhaps some men, a man's (or for men, a woman's) personality combined with our chemistry/energy can turn an otherwise mediocre looking man into the hottest man on the planet TO ME.

As I said at least for me, it's all related. 

Contrast to that, I've been asked out by men who were considered to be extremely attractive, even I thought so appearance-wise, but I felt nothing.  

No physical attraction or chemistry at all.

Same and I totally accepted it actually -sitting across from a perfect specimen and feeling -nothing.  Sitting across from a person who later a witchy coworker would stare at then stare at me as in "huh? what are you doing with someone who looks like that??" and thinking -he's - not attractive in that way but he sparkles! I want to be with him!"

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Same and I totally accepted it actually -sitting across from a perfect specimen and feeling -nothing.  

^^Totally relate!!  I never questioned it either. 

"I'm not feeling it."

Nuff said. 

[yogacat]

Physical attraction plays a significant role in initial attraction.

It can be either finding someone physically attractive or feeling physically drawn to them.

Without this element, it may be best to leave the situation alone. One or the other needs to be present.

I once went on a date with a man who I found physically attractive, but I WASN'T physically attracted to him, yet...

His personality didn't initially click with mine. He was super handsome.

However, he was persistent and we went out a few more times. He had that something, something and eventually, a spark ignited and I became more than just attracted to him.

However, in your case, with no physical attraction from the start, it may be a fruitless pursuit. While it may not be the most important factor in a relationship, physical attraction is necessary for a strong romantic and sexual connection.

At the end of the day, we all want someone who is not only physically appealing, but also embodies a certain level of cuteness and charm. It's that special smile, the twinkle in their eye, or the way they playfully tease you that really captures your heart.

This type of attraction is what keeps the flame burning and adds an irresistible allure to a person. So, if you're searching for that someone special, don't forget to look for those qualities that make them not just sexy, but also incredibly cute and charming. Trust me, it's worth the wait and effort. 

[jul-els]

4 hours ago, jul-els said:

I agree with this. It’s an odd dichotomy. If I meet someone who I think looks great, but I don’t like their personality, it’s easy for me to know I’m not interested. It’s also easy for me to know I’m not interested in someone if I don’t like their physical appearance. But I’ve honestly experienced this before, where I feel attraction but no physical interest. It’s probably best not to waste her time. 

I meant to say “never experienced this before”. Typo, sorry. What you said Batya, makes a lot of sense to me. Her energy is great, I feel really drawn to it and there is something in her eyes when I look into them that I really like. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s being shallow if I’m unattracted to specific physical feature, which is the case for me here. To state it crudely, she’s 64 and she has many deep lines on her face. I don’t find it appealing. That does seem a bit shallow and cold to me, but I can’t deny it’s how I feel. I won’t deny or apologize for that, but if I find that’s the case, I should probably just move on and not waste her time. Maybe it’s me being a little bit shallow and a little bit not, but that’s the case. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Her energy is great, I feel really drawn there is something in her eyes when I look into them that I really like. 

^^Well they say our eyes are the windows to our soul so this^ says a lot.  And that you're drawn to her energy.  No doubt SHE is drawn to your energy as well, that is actually how genuine chemistry works.  It goes deeper than mere physical appearance.

These are things I value and can make a man look like a god to me.

So yeah it may be considered a bit shallow to reject solely on wrinkles but not gonna negativity judge you for it.

I am curious about your relationship history though.  Any marriages or long term relationships?

If so how did they start out?  Did you feel that same energy/chemistry you feel with this woman?  

Interesting true story.  A man in a "group" I used to attend admitted he fell head over heels for a woman.  Like you, great energy, a spark in her eyes.  Loved her personality.

One weekend they went to the beach and he noticed some cellulite on her thighs and was immediately turned off.

He stopped seeing her but then missed her like crazy and started valuing her despite the flaw and they reconnected.

Eventually he fell in love with her and moved past it.  

There are no perfect people, we all have flaws.  

But if wrinkles are a definite dealbreaker, then end it. 

For her sake as well as yours. 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Interesting true story.  A man in a "group" I used to attend admitted he fell head over heels for a woman.  Like you, great energy, a spark in her eyes.  Loved her personality.

One weekend they went to the beach and he noticed some cellulite on her thighs and was immediately turned off.

He stopped seeing her but then missed her like crazy and started valuing her despite the flaw and they reconnected.

Eventually he fell in love with her and moved past it.  

What a sweet story.

I felt that way towards someone, there was something about his face that annoyed me initially. I wanted to punch it 😂.

But I think that was just me making up reasons for not wanting to like him. 🤭🤫

Another man was a model but he had very small and feminine hands. I was like, errhhh. Nope.

I think sometimes people do that, they create excuses or reasons to not be attracted because they're scared of it. Then they pretend it's because of some physical attribute or something they wore or whatever.

Not saying that's the case with you @jul-elsbut it just jogged the memory of the part in rainbows friend's experience.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

What a sweet story.

I felt that way towards someone, there was something about his face that annoyed me initially. I wanted to punch it 😂.

But I think that was just me making up reasons for not wanting to like him. 🤭🤫

Another man was a model but he had very small and feminine hands. I was like, errhhh. Nope.

I think sometimes people do that, they create excuses or reasons to not be attracted because they're scared of it. Then they pretend it's because of some physical attribute or something they wore or whatever.

Not saying that's the case with you @jul-elsbut it just jogged the memory of the part in rainbows friend's experience.

^100%.  I'm glad you posted it!  I've done it myself at various times throughout my dating/relationship history.

Our fears can affect us in many different ways; I've even heard people say, the more they like someone, the more fearful they become and will create reasons to "disqualify" that person.

Not suggesting that's the case here but it was definitely true with my guy friend in the group.

It's not something we do consciously, it takes a certain self-awareness and with him it became evident when he began missing her like crazy, and he realized he made a hasty decision based on fear. 

 

 

 

[jul-els]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Well they say our eyes are the windows to our soul so this^ says a lot.  And that you're drawn to her energy.  No doubt SHE is drawn to your energy as well, that is actually how genuine chemistry works.  It goes deeper than mere physical appearance.

These are things I value and can make a man look like a god to me.

So yeah it may be considered a bit shallow to reject solely on wrinkles but not gonna negativity judge you for it.

I am curious about your relationship history though.  Any marriages or long term relationships?

If so how did they start out?  Did you feel that same energy/chemistry you feel with this woman?  

Interesting true story.  A man in a "group" I used to attend admitted he fell head over heels for a woman.  Like you, great energy, a spark in her eyes.  Loved her personality.

One weekend they went to the beach and he noticed some cellulite on her thighs and was immediately turned off.

He stopped seeing her but then missed her like crazy and started valuing her despite the flaw and they reconnected.

Eventually he fell in love with her and moved past it.  

There are no perfect people, we all have flaws.  

But if wrinkles are a definite dealbreaker, then end it. 

For her sake as well as yours. 

 

 

 

What I want is someone I feel drawn to energetically and attracted to physically. I definitely feel the energetic connection with her, but the physical attraction I don’t. I know what I want and I won’t settle. There’s nothing wrong with that. In the past, I’ve settled on either side of this equation and I won’t do it again. I’ll move on. Thanks, you’ve helped me answer my question. 🙂

[Batya33]

I don't think ever for me it's been the either or Yogacat wrote about -and if my attraction was based solely on physical features- that  would be a forever issue because people do age/get wrinkles -I see FB photos of my super hot looking ex from years ago and he looks -awful!!!So if I'd been that focused on his particular (male model!) looks I'd have been in trouble.  

OP it's totally fine if her wrinkles turn you off from wanting to kiss her - better to know  that now.  It's interesting -my 40 something year old friend has a pretty face and is overweight. About 6 months ago she discovered her husband was cheating on her and they are now separated and getting a divorce.  She recently got a Mommy Makeover and is recovering -she looks awesome. It's -interesting how certain looks can change.  I am almost 58.  I have wrinkles.  I am not a person who would get plastic surgery for wrinkles.  Or Botox.  I do wear some makeup.  If I were dating again I wouldn't change that and it would have to be a man who was attracted to me wrinkles and all.

Edited to add -this thread reminds me of the romance of Charlotte and Harry on Sex and the City and how at first she basically found him gross with his habits etc and later  they had a very blunt discussion about the disparity in their looks.

[waffle]

Could just date younger women and then dump them when you see the beginning of lines/wrinkles.  Just a suggestion.

[DarkCh0c0]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

this thread reminds me of the romance of Charlotte and Harry on Sex and the City and how at first she basically found him gross with his habits etc and later  they had a very blunt discussion about the disparity in their looks

He did break up with her though! Irl they would have not gotten back together imo. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I am wondering @jul-els, how you were able to find that sparkle in her eyes, and develop a connection after you first laid eyes on her and obviously noticed her wrinkles?

With most people, when they find something that repels them about a person's appearance, they never get that far.

They'd never even notice that sparkle or what a great personality they had or feel a connection unless you had met in a friendship capacity and got to know her that way first.  And when the opportunity to date was there, you realized nope, not physically attracted, too many wrinkles. 

How did you meet?  Did you meet on a dating app? 

If so, were her pics not recent or accurate?

When you first saw her, what compelled you to stay?  Long enough to find that sparkle and connection?  

Sorry don't mean to grill you but yeah imo your experience is highly unusual. 

Feeling chemistry/energy, a sparkle in her eyes, a connection, all the while you're looking at her face and thinking ugh, turned off by the wrinkles..

But yet you stayed long enough to feel chemistry and a connection?

No judgment again just unusual tis all, imo.

[yogacat]

I think if you felt a stronger connection to her (whatever the connection/chemistry might be) the wrinkles would not be a big issue. I totally get it if she doesn't turn you on, I do understand - I am not telling you to overlook that - I think if she turns you on it's a whole different ballgame, clearly - otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

I think there were other elements missing...

Phrases like "I'm not attracted to black men" or "I only date men over 6 feet tall" are coarse (not just "coming off as" but really are coarse) but it's hard to say to someone "sorry you don't fit my definition of what gets me hot and bothered by just looking at you.." Let it go. That's nature - not really under our control.

At the same time think about why elementary school teachers tell kids to not judge the book by its cover.

The man I mentioned, he was VERY handsome, but I wasn't like "oh my gosh, he's so good looking, I want to ******* him". I had no physical reaction.

As I got to know him as a person, I thought he was so handsome because of the man he was and that magnified his facial features. I became more and more attracted to him. There was that little EMBER there initially though. Attraction can grow over the initial spark if the in-person connection and chemistry are strong. 

I did, actually with a long term boyfriend, same thing, he was attractive but I felt his personality off-putting at first. That is 100% true. After we hung out (a year later) and talked a while, I thought he was very attractive. Initially I was lukewarm.

It's not just wisdom I'm sharing - I've been there. I brushed off and ran off before I had the opportunity to get to know someone and feel a connection, thinking if it isn't "love at first sight" he's just not "the one" - and years later, after learning my lesson I realized that love at first sight is a spark that can grow.

That being said, no one should feel like they have to date someone who doesn't meet their physical standards. It's all a balance - knowing what's an absolute deal breaker and what is just preference. 

But do think about giving people a chance to grow on you if it's not?

With her, aside from the wrinkles, there wasn't enough 'gravitational pull' to make you want to overcome your hang-up enough for you to feel connected enough to pursue her - it's okay. It's your life to choose how you spend your time.

[Batya33]

For me there are certain physical features that are dealbreakers if hypothetically I was dating. Tattoos. Long hair. Certain facial deformities as I mentioned. Very skinny. Effeminate voice. He could click with me totally in a personality way. Spark that way. And I’d never have dated him. I’d also never ask someone with long hair to cut his hair. Or ask someone with tattoos to somehow remove them. With rare exception hairstyles and body art are typically serious choices. I mean more unusual hairstyles.  I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who chose to wear very tight clothing (I mean when not typical like when not working out I guess ) or clothing with lots of holes etc. again we could totally spark and it wouldn’t work. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Edited to add -this thread reminds me of the romance of Charlotte and Harry on Sex and the City and how at first she basically found him gross with his habits etc and later  they had a very blunt discussion about the disparity in their looks.

Oh this, lol. It wasn't after Harry approached Charlotte with a lustful gleam in his eye and told her how badly he wanted her then threw her on the bed where they had hot sex that 180'd her view of him.

A more realistic conversation on this topic rarely happens - there tends to be this viewpoint that it's wrong to reject someone on this factor which is so silly. Most people date/marry within their range of what there naturally drawn to. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

  I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who chose to wear very tight clothing (I mean when not typical like when not working out I guess ) or clothing with lots of holes etc. again we could totally spark and it wouldn’t work. 

I guess this^^ is what I don't understand.

You're not attracted based on specific criteria (which is totally fine) but yet you could totally spark with the same men you're not attracted to?

Surely I must be missing something?

Or perhaps it's just not how I'm wired. If I feel no attraction, no way in hell I'm gonna feel a spark with him.

Different strokes...

 

.

 

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I guess this^^ is what I don't understand.

You're not attracted based on specific criteria (which is totally fine) but yet you could totally spark with the same men you're not attracted to?

Surely I must be missing something?

Or perhaps it's just not how I'm wired. If I feel no attraction, no way in hell I'm gonna feel a spark with him.

Different strokes...

 

.

 

On contraire.😉

Recall first date unkempt grossy guy?

Something happened where you 180'd.

Granted, it was the span of a day, but it happens.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

On contraire.😉

Recall first date unkempt grossy guy?

Something happened where you 180'd.

Granted, it was the span of a day, but it happens.

 

I want to say that was different because other than his slovenly dress which I admitted was based on my bias and hangups, I found him extremely attractive physically.

Once I got past the bias, his style of dress no longer bothered me.

And I was "attracted to" him until I got to know him better and realized we're from two different worlds with different values. 

But fair enough!

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I guess this^^ is what I don't understand.

You're not attracted based on specific criteria (which is totally fine) but yet you could totally spark with the same men you're not attracted to?

Surely I must be missing something?

Or perhaps it's just not how I'm wired. If I feel no attraction, no way in hell I'm gonna feel a spark with him.

Different strokes...

 

.

 

I meant a spark like you click -not a romantic spark.  Not physical attraction.  Like when you click with a new person as a friend -you get each other.  

I sort of had a 180 experience. I was friendly with S for over a year.  We met through his brother who I'd been friends with for years.  We met actually at a memorial service for their father. I don't remember why we  started occasionally talking -I believe he was relocating to NYC permanently and had specific questions about a place of worship I was involved with at the time and his brother told him to call me.  Which then became a more broad conversation.  Then I saw him one more time at his brother's party.  I think.  Thing is he was massively obese.  Such a typical dealbreaker for me.  I never ever considered him in any dating way -he was my friend's older brother.  Nice to talk to but -that's it.  

And then one night it 180d.  I'd invited him to an event he might be interested in -not as my date at all - not even a plus one more like"hey there's this event I'm going to - figured you might want to come to." He  said "no, thank you but- instead want to meet for sushi on __ day?" OK -sure I said.  Confused. 

That's where it changed.  I had no clue why all of a sudden I was attracted to this man but there it was. Massive attraction -pun intended.  Ironically we dated for about 5 months during which he went on a big diet (nothing at all to do with me at all -he already was planning this and he was under a doctor's care) and -no I didn't find him more attractive as he lost weight -I was mostly really concerned for his health -he was 40, so very obese - I mean -what a risk.  So I was glad he was on this very healthy diet and under a doctor's care.

He ended up ending things with me. He wasn't that into me.  And for sure I noticed how obese he was -and sometimes it was an "issue" for me but mostly I was wild about him -a 180 from when I had zero interest in him.  So so strange.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

and sometimes it was an "issue" for me but mostly I was wild about him -a 180 from when I had zero interest in him

Did that 180 happen during the first date?

[ShySoul]

For her sake, let her go. If you need physical attraction so much that you are willing to pass on a strong connection, then you aren't right for her. You should be with someone you can be attracted to based on her looks. She should be with someone that will be attracted to her based on simply who she is.

14 hours ago, yogacat said:

Physical attraction plays a significant role in initial attraction.

It can be either finding someone physically attractive or feeling physically drawn to them.

Without this element, it may be best to leave the situation alone. One or the other needs to be present.

The two people I felt the strongest attraction to in my life - both physically and emotionally - started without even seeing them or having anything to do with anything physical.

The first I met online in a chatroom. We messaged each other every night, talking for at least a couple hours each night. We were drawn to each because of similar values and interests. It was two weeks before we even shared a picture or talked on the phone. It was another month before we met in person. And yet, there was clearly an attraction based solely on who we were internally.

The second I also met online on a message board. We communicated in posts and private messages for at least two months before speaking on the phone. Some point after that we did send one picture to each other. And it was another three months before we met in person. Again, the attraction was evident but didn't have anything to do with the physical. It was our similar values, sense of humor, and life experiences. 

Then there are all the stories of friends who never were interested in each other until something changed. One day they weren't attracted physically, next day they are. And it's usually because of something emotional.

Initial physical attraction is not necessary. When you really like and love a person for who they are, that person will become physically attractive to you. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Did that 180 happen during the first date?

Yes. But I had no idea it was a date actually.  I really thought he was suggesting we meet for sushi sort of like "sorry I'm saying no to the event, how about on a different night we do X" and at the restaurant we simply were talking normally -no flirting no "signs".  I just realized -wow -I think I'm attracted to him!

Separately - I've been in several situations where there was a physical feature dealbreaker and no matter how much we clicked otherwise I was never going to want to kiss the person or date the person.  I never ever counted any sort of click before meeting as relevant to dating on either end-meaning if the person complimented my photo etc or we flirted by phone before meeting - I knew for sure  that the sort of attraction for dating purposes and potential serious relationship had to occur in person and that physical features were a really minor reason why -and often irrelevant.  I never face timed but even if I had that wouldn't have made a difference either. And physical features are not my focus.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. But I had no idea it was a date actually.  I really thought he was suggesting we meet for sushi sort of like "sorry I'm saying no to the event, how about on a different night we do X" and at the restaurant we simply were talking normally -no flirting no "signs".  I just realized -wow -I think I'm attracted to him!

Got it! Nice.

[yogacat]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

For her sake, let her go. If you need physical attraction so much that you are willing to pass on a strong connection, then you aren't right for her. You should be with someone you can be attracted to based on her looks. She should be with someone that will be attracted to her based on simply who she is.

23 hours ago, yogacat said:

Physical attraction plays a significant role in initial attraction.

It can be either finding someone physically attractive or feeling physically drawn to them.

Without this element, it may be best to leave the situation alone. One or the other needs to be present.

The two people I felt the strongest attraction to in my life - both physically and emotionally - started without even seeing them or having anything to do with anything physical.

The first I met online in a chatroom. We messaged each other every night, talking for at least a couple hours each night. We were drawn to each because of similar values and interests. It was two weeks before we even shared a picture or talked on the phone. It was another month before we met in person. And yet, there was clearly an attraction based solely on who we were internally.

The second I also met online on a message board. We communicated in posts and private messages for at least two months before speaking on the phone. Some point after that we did send one picture to each other. And it was another three months before we met in person. Again, the attraction was evident but didn't have anything to do with the physical. It was our similar values, sense of humor, and life experiences. 

Then there are all the stories of friends who never were interested in each other until something changed. One day they weren't attracted physically, next day they are. And it's usually because of something emotional.

Initial physical attraction is not necessary. When you really like and love a person for who they are, that person will become physically attractive to you. 

I am not saying that INITIAL physical attraction is necessary for each and every person.  

Perhaps I should have worded it differently (i.e. "Physical attraction CAN play a significant role in initial attraction.").

In fact, I shared an experience where I wasn't initially physically attracted to someone but still developed strong feelings for them as time went on (including physical attraction).

The point I am trying to make is that initial physical attraction can be an important factor for some people in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

It's worth noting the complexity of physical attractiveness, which is shaped by a variety of factors such as evolutionary biology, psychology, and social dynamics. This means that physical attraction is not solely based on appearance. Physical attraction is not just a matter of physical appearance.

However, I do agree that a strong emotional connection is ultimately more important. As you said, when you truly like and love a person for who they are, physical attraction can develop. But that doesn't mean it should be completely disregarded. It's important to find someone who you are not only emotionally compatible with, but also physically attracted to. It's about finding a balance between the two.

There was enough of a pull for you initially that you liked talking long enough and that did not kill the mood, on either side. That speaks loudly in support of saying there was a connection already at that point.

What I am saying is that physical attraction can also play a role in that initial pull. It's just not the only factor and shouldn't be the foundation for a relationship. In my experiences, I've found that a strong emotional connection is what ultimately made me develop physical attraction to someone. But that's just my personal experience. Everyone has their own preferences and what works for them in a relationship.

[graphicdesigner]

On 7/1/2024 at 3:38 AM, jul-els said:

When I say cold or shallow it’s because I can see the greatness in her and that we appear to have a lot in common. I just don’t want to kiss her really. I don’t know if other people experience that all the time, but that’s a new one for me. 

It happens to me all the time actually. I met this man on Facebook dating, and we had a great first date, but I wasn't attracted to him at all. He asked me out again, so I accepted. We ended up just becoming friends because we enjoy each other's company, but he's more attracted to me than I am to him. I have no desire to kiss him because there's no chemistry for me. Thankfully he's dating someone now, so us being friends works. 

I'm just like you, OP. I have to have chemistry there and a physical attraction to want to kiss them or even have sex. I can't just have sex with someone that I'm not attracted to, or kiss for that matter. And for me, it's the whole package, not just their looks, but their personality are very important to me.

I say don't pursue it with this woman and just move on.