I feel chemistry with her, but I’m not sure I’m physically attracted

[jul-els]

I’m not sure what to do. I definitely felt a really good connection with her on our first time meeting, but the physical attraction is probably not there for me. I know that sounds shallow and maybe it is, but that’s how I feel. Should I pursue it? Leave it alone? Advice is appreciated. 

[ShySoul]

Outside of when I was five years old, no one that I've been interested in has started from physical attraction. There was always something in the personality that got me hooked. The physical attraction grew from there. My brushes with romance were the same. It was the connection we shared, all the things we had in common, that I first noticed. Their inner beauty made them shine out the outside as well. I'd venture there is a good chance that could happen for you.

Physical attraction is over-rated. No one stays looking like that forever. But the connection is what will make things last far after the body starts to decline. If you only focus on the exterior and drop it, you could be missing out on knowing someone really great and lose out on something special. Is your interest, or lack thereof, in their body worth that risk?

[jul-els]

11 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Outside of when I was five years old, no one that I've been interested in has started from physical attraction. There was always something in the personality that got me hooked. The physical attraction grew from there. My brushes with romance were the same. It was the connection we shared, all the things we had in common, that I first noticed. Their inner beauty made them shine out the outside as well. I'd venture there is a good chance that could happen for you.

Physical attraction is over-rated. No one stays looking like that forever. But the connection is what will make things last far after the body starts to decline. If you only focus on the exterior and drop it, you could be missing out on knowing someone really great and lose out on something special. Is your interest, or lack thereof, in their body worth that risk?

I agree with everything you said. But for me, there has to be some level of physical attraction. It’s not everything, but it’s an important part of desire. With her I feel little of it, but I feel a real connection with her personality. I just don’t know if I could picture myself taking a sexual interest in her. 

[lostandhurt]

Don't force it.  If you have to convince yourself to see her again then you probably shouldn't. It isn't shallow at all to want to be physically attracted to the person you are dating or with, it is perfectly normal so don't let anyone label you.

 I would think you want to be genuine with her and be able to honestly tell her you think she is beautiful, feel that spark, the anticipation of seeing her and kissing her and when she walks into the room feeling like you really are lucky she is with you. 

If all either of you wanted was a random hookup it would be different but you want more do you not?

 This happens frequently.  Sometimes they are smoking hot but have the personality of a baked potato.  Although we usually date these types until the hotness gets overwhelmed by the baked potato...

  If you are not sure go on a second date and see how you feel.

Lost

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

It’s not everything, but it’s an important part of desire. With her I feel little of it, but I feel a real connection with her personality. I just don’t know if I could picture myself taking a sexual interest in her. 

It was a first time meeting. You spent a couple hours together? Just my take, but seems a little early to be focused on sex and desire.

Desire isn't just about sex either. I desire wanting to be with her, to know all about her. I desire learning who she is and what she is all about. And it's the internal things, that real connection with her personality that will make the sex better in the end.

You can be completely into someone physically. You can desire them and wish you could have sex with them. Then you find out there is nothing else to them and the relationship is dead. Physical attraction will have done you no good in that situation.

Also, the connection between physical appearance/sexual desire and the sex actually being good is a fallacy in the first place. So called "hot" people can be lousy in bed. Your average or not as conventionally attractive people can be amazing. As the saying goes, don't judge a book by its cover.

Finding someone who we really do have a connection with is rare. If you feel that, it's something to hold onto and see what happens. It's not something to drop for a superficial reason such as not immediately want to toss them on the bed and go at it. Or at the very least, it's worth having a second date.

[jul-els]

43 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

It was a first time meeting. You spent a couple hours together? Just my take, but seems a little early to be focused on sex and desire.

Desire isn't just about sex either. I desire wanting to be with her, to know all about her. I desire learning who she is and what she is all about. And it's the internal things, that real connection with her personality that will make the sex better in the end.

You can be completely into someone physically. You can desire them and wish you could have sex with them. Then you find out there is nothing else to them and the relationship is dead. Physical attraction will have done you no good in that situation.

Also, the connection between physical appearance/sexual desire and the sex actually being good is a fallacy in the first place. So called "hot" people can be lousy in bed. Your average or not as conventionally attractive people can be amazing. As the saying goes, don't judge a book by its cover.

Finding someone who we really do have a connection with is rare. If you feel that, it's something to hold onto and see what happens. It's not something to drop for a superficial reason such as not immediately want to toss them on the bed and go at it. Or at the very least, it's worth having a second date.

I’m not “focused on sex”. It’s just a consideration. I don’t feel a strong physical attraction. Nothing too early about it. Seeing sex as part of the picture is nothing to feel shameful about. I never said anything about wanting to immediately toss anyone on the bed and going at it, so let’s not draw assumptions, shall we? 

[DarkCh0c0]

How do you feel about leaning in to kiss her?

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, jul-els said:

I just don’t know if I could picture myself taking a sexual interest in her. 

@jul-elsI'm a bit confused as the thread title states you feel 'chemistry' with her however what's quoted above states you lack 'sexual interest' in her and don't envision yourself ever feeling such sexual interest in her.

In a dating and romantic context, that's precisrly what chemistry is.  That 'spark', that 'chemistry', that certain somethin somethin we feel that differentiates a romantic connection from a friendship connection. 

One can certainly feel a connection with the opposite sex but NOT feel attraction or physical chemistry and it has little to do with how "hot" they are as some others suggested.  

And there is nothing wrong with that!  It doesn't mean you're shallow or superficial.

Imo and experience romantic attraction isn't anything that can be described or explained, again it's simply there, you're "feeling it" she's "feeling it."  No rhyme or reason.  You can't create it or force it. 

Bottom line, if you're unable to envision yourself kissing this woman or being sexual with her, you have a friendship.  And again there is absolutely nothing wrong or bad or shallow about it.

That's not to say if you continue seeing each other as friends, that attraction might come later, but I think that's rare. 

There are exceptions but most men I know and have dated have felt that attraction and physical chemistry very quickly after meeting.  So did I for them.

That does NOT mean jumping into bed right away, but you should at least feel like you want to kiss her and be physically close with her - touching, cuddling etc. 

If not again it's a friendship. 

How does she feel?  What's your sense?  Is she feeling sexual attraction and chemistry with you? 

 

 

 

 

 

[jul-els]

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How do you feel about leaning in to kiss her?

Neutral. Based on her personality, I like the idea. Based on her physical appearance, I don’t. 

[jul-els]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@jul-elsI'm a bit confused as the thread title states you feel 'chemistry' with her however what's quoted above states you lack 'sexual interest' in her and don't envision yourself ever feeling such sexual interest in her.

In a dating and romantic context, that's precisrly what chemistry is.  That 'spark', that 'chemistry', that certain somethin somethin we feel that differentiates a romantic connection from a friendship connection. 

One can certainly feel a connection with the opposite sex but NOT feel attraction or physical chemistry and it has little to do with how "hot" they are as some others suggested.  

And there is nothing wrong with that!  It doesn't mean you're shallow or superficial.

Imo and experience romantic attraction isn't anything that can be described or explained, again it's simply there, you're "feeling it" she's "feeling it."  No rhyme or reason.  You can't create it or force it. 

Bottom line, if you're unable to envision yourself kissing this woman or being sexual with her, you have a friendship.  And again there is absolutely nothing wrong or bad or shallow about it.

That's not to say if you continue seeing each other as friends, that attraction might come later, but I think that's rare. 

There are exceptions but most men I know and have dated have felt that attraction and physical chemistry very quickly after meeting.  So did I for them.

That does NOT mean jumping into bed right away, but you should at least feel like you want to kiss her and be physically close with her - touching, cuddling etc. 

If not again it's a friendship. 

How does she feel?  What's your sense?  Is she feeling sexual attraction and chemistry with you? 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like she’s attracted to me. Based on her personality, the feeling is mutual. Based on her appearance, it isn’t. That sounds cold and maybe it is. That’s how I feel. 

[Kwothe28]

I mean, you are in your 50s. At one time you have to ask yourself whether sex is more important than having somebody there to pass you the pills for your health. 

Sorry, just something I read for the guys over 40. 😂

Anyway, joking aside, if you feel it’s important to have physical attraction, then it’s important to you and that is it. Dont lead the woman when you cant feel the attraction and you probably never will. Just find somebody where there is one.

[JoyfulCompany]

At some point we need to be considerate not only to our own needs but to others' well being, too. At least I find it part of being mature. What I mean is - better not lead her on, leave her meet someone who would be attracted to her on all levels. And find someone else you're actually attracted to.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Neutral. Based on her personality, I like the idea. Based on her physical appearance, I don’t. 

Well, would you give it a second date to 100% confirm that? No regrets?

Either ways, we all like what we like. If you feel a strong non-attraction, then do as you need to.

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, JoyfulCompany said:

At some point we need to be considerate not only to our own needs but to others' well being, too. At least I find it part of being mature. What I mean is - better not lead her on, leave her meet someone who would be attracted to her on all levels. And find someone else you're actually attracted to.

I agree with this. It’s an odd dichotomy. If I meet someone who I think looks great, but I don’t like their personality, it’s easy for me to know I’m not interested. It’s also easy for me to know I’m not interested in someone if I don’t like their physical appearance. But I’ve honestly experienced this before, where I feel attraction but no physical interest. It’s probably best not to waste her time. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Anyway, joking aside, if you feel it’s important to have physical attraction, then it’s important to you and that is it. Dont lead the woman when you cant feel the attraction and you probably never will. Just find somebody where there is one.

This^^.  

18 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Based on her appearance, it isn’t. That sounds cold and maybe it is. That’s how I feel. 

It's unclear why you think it's cold.  Or shallow or whatever else negative. 

Physical attraction is important!  Like I said, its what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship. 

It's ALL related.  Physical attraction/chemistry, personality and eventually compatibility and shared values.

But physical attraction is how it all starts.  True for myself and virtually everyone I know in a LTR or married.  

And it's subjective.  But at the very least, you should feel like you want to kiss her.  Bare minimum.

I do think you should be honest with her.  Allow her the opportunity to find a man who IS attracted to her.  

And find a woman you are attracted to as well. 

I don't get it, is she you're only option?  Never settle.  

[jul-els]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^.  

It's unclear why you think it's cold.  Or shallow or whatever else negative. 

Physical attraction is important!  Like I said, its what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship. 

It's ALL related.  Physical attraction/chemistry, personality and eventually compatibility and shared values.

But physical attraction is how it all starts.  True for myself and virtually everyone I know in a LTR or married.  

I do think you should be honest with her.  Allow her the opportunity to find a man who IS attracted to her.  

And find a woman you are attracted to as well. 

When I say cold or shallow it’s because I can see the greatness in her and that we appear to have a lot in common. I just don’t want to kiss her really. I don’t know if other people experience that all the time, but that’s a new one for me. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, jul-els said:

When I say cold or shallow it’s because I can see the greatness in her and that we appear to have a lot in common.

Personally I don't believe having things in common has anything to do with initial attraction and physical chemistry. 

Having things in common helps when in an established relationship but it's rarely what initially attracts us. 

I dunno up to you.  Me?  At the very least I need to feel like I want to kiss him! And I need HIM to have the desire to kiss me! 

How would you get around that?  And sexual intimacy when it was time for that?   

Honestly I don't understand this at all, so I'm gonna gracefully exit this thread and wish you the best whatever you decide. 

 

[jul-els]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Personally I don't believe having things in common has anything to do with initial attraction and physical chemistry. 

Having things in common helps when in an established relationship but it's rarely what initially attracts us. 

I dunno up to you.  Me?  At the very least I need to feel like I want to kiss him! And I need HIM to have the desire to kiss me! 

How would you get around that?  And sexually intimacy when it was time for that?   

Honestly I don't understand this at all, so I'm gonna gracefully exit this thread and wish you the best whatever you decide. 

 

Yeah, I don’t understand it either. Probably best to move on. 

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Personally I don't believe having things in common has anything to do with initial attraction and physical chemistry. 

Having things in common helps when in an established relationship but it's rarely what initially attracts us. 

Do I need to “summon” Cindy to explain in what 2 groups men divide women? And how they are sometimes exclusive. 😁

Anyway, it is possible to establish connection that doesnt include physical attraction. There are people who just dont put that much into physical connection but connect in other ways. And typically that kind of connections could be long lasting. So its is possible that julels can see her as somebody who would be a very good partner to him and see a connection there. But not a physical connection as she is not “hot” to him. But as physical connection is of importance to him, its best to leave it alone.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, jul-els said:

I agree with everything you said. But for me, there has to be some level of physical attraction. It’s not everything, but it’s an important part of desire. With her I feel little of it, but I feel a real connection with her personality. I just don’t know if I could picture myself taking a sexual interest in her. 

Then I would not continue - for me I used to wait 4 dates if I was on the fence - if by then I had no desire to kiss or didn't enjoy kissing the person I was done.  It wasn't shallow with rare exception -shallow was when the person had a physical feature that was a dealbreaker for me - like long hair, very skinny, very obese (although I had immense attraction to a very obese man but that was rare), and in two cases facial deformities I could not get past. Also effeminate voice was a dealbreaker as was bad posture.

On the fence meant there was potential for attraction like I felt a small spark so I saw if it developed.  If I knew I wasn't and knew it wasn't gonna be then --- no on the fence, no real first date or second date etc. 

I think often attraction is based in part on physical features.  Is it shallow -maybe who knows -but this is choosing who to date not who to be friends with.  Dating involves romance and  touching and often sex/sexual touching.  OTOH there are people who want arm candy to show themselves and others they can "get" someone who is objectively hot looking -that turns them on.  To me that's different from the sort of chemistry/attraction essential for dating -that's more like wanting someone who makes a lot of $ for the sake of having a lot of material stuff.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Anyway, it is possible to establish connection that doesnt include physical attraction.

Yeah I suppose if both people are seeking a certain emotional intimacy and companionship (no sexual intimacy), it could work. 

That's not the OP though I don't think. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Personally I don't believe having things in common has anything to do with initial attraction and physical chemistry. 

Having things in common helps when in an established relationship but it's rarely what initially attracts us. 

I think it can be a mish mash -like you meet someone where you have tons in common and if the people are good conversationalist there's that flow - so during that flow it's also easier to notice hey she/he is cute! The very first time I met my husband at work I didn't feell attraction.  We had tons in common.  Often for me attraction was based on the person's confidence/energy/vibe/presence - his eyes and if he "sparkled" - not specific physical features.  

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yeah I suppose if both people are seeking a certain emotional intimacy and companionship (no sexual intimacy), it could work. 

That's not the OP though I don't think. 

 

I have that with close friends.  We do not want to be sexual.  At this point in my life most of my close friends are women.  One of my closest male friends and I caught up briefly by phone the other day.  We have tons in common and have been close friends for about 30 years. We've had some very very personal conversations over the years. I've never wanted to have sex with him. He's never come on to me except he asked me for a date when he first met me (I said no) and there was one night many years ago when we were both single when he said we could watch a movie but it would have to be in his room (roommates) when we got back from dinner.  I said no  just to be totally on the safe side. 

Honestly if we both heaven forbid lost our spouses I could see having that sort of companionship relationship as like old people lol - I know of arrangements like that.  But I'm really glad I didn't go there with him-I thought about it -wouldn't it be great if I was physically attracted to him and him to me - we'd make such a great couple. Instead we found our people who we make great couples with and we've had this strong connection all these years -yes our spouses are totally good with it and we all like each other.

[rainbowsandroses]

What's interesting about this is that for me, and perhaps some men, a man's (or for men, a woman's) personality combined with our chemistry/energy can turn an otherwise mediocre looking man into the hottest man on the planet TO ME.

As I said at least for me, it's all related. 

Contrast to that, I've been asked out by men who were considered to be extremely attractive, even I thought so appearance-wise, but I felt nothing.  

No physical attraction or chemistry at all.

Go figure, it's all so nuanced.  Who can explain it really?  I sure can't. 

What draws us to another -  physically, mentally, emotionally?

But it should all be there in some form or fashion imo.  Otherwise it's a glorified friendship.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

I agree with this. It’s an odd dichotomy. If I meet someone who I think looks great, but I don’t like their personality, it’s easy for me to know I’m not interested. It’s also easy for me to know I’m not interested in someone if I don’t like their physical appearance. But I’ve honestly experienced this before, where I feel attraction but no physical interest. It’s probably best not to waste her time. 

I know of people who settled and it often is disastrous.  My good friend did -she lied to herself and to all of us.  There absolutely were sexual orientation issues on her end but what a disaster because  they had kids, were married several years, ugly divorce, ugly for the kids. Do you need mind blowing attraction or mind blowing all the time -no IMO -and that's a personal opinion! I mean my husband was at my side when I was in active labor -is that -sexy? You see each other in all sorts of less attractive ways when you live together -gross colds, shapeless clothes, someone gains weight/goes bald/goes gray/gets wrinkles. 

There are couples who have this constant za za za zoom and that's fine- maybe even enviable.  But I think you need the early on za za zoom or it's like a friendship caught on fire thing -you've hung out together for a long time through mutual friends or at work and one day you're like -wait -she's -adorable! Why did I never see that before??

But it's still like this - spark -this fire thing - so that during those ho hum times those coasting times - you know you can revive the spark, you know as you're sending the email as I did this morning "hey aren't you supposed to get your next shingles shot soon??" you know as you're talking about whether a zoom call can happen while waiting at the orthodontist's office or whether it's really necessary to save old fast food napkins in a huge wad that you're not thinking of passionate kisses right then or even would stop for one since you have to now choose your virtual background for the meeting but you are also not wondering "why did I marry someone I can't stand the thought of even kissing??" when you have the ho hums.