Should i stick with him or let him go?

[Anneson]

I really need your advice..there are lot of things i have to say and i hope you can take your time to read it..thank you

Okay so i met this guy and ever since then we have been talking actually been chatting..i met him at a lesson we both go too..and after the lesson ended we didn't get the chance to meet again cause i have protective parents that don't let me go out

We both like each other but we are not dating..and he's a very different guy..he's an introvert who loves being alone..He doesn't live with his parents or family cause of some things that happened so he lives alone.He was around 17 when he started living alone and now he's 18

He takes care of himself..pays every bills himself

He's sometimes get suicidal thought because he feels no one needs him..he's useless..and other things like that..so anytime he feels down he talks to me and later on feel better 

He makes me the happiest when I'm with him and i also do the same to him

So something happened recently..it was my birthday so i was allowed to go see my friend and so i decided to go to his place with my friend..i told him to try create chance since he's mostly busy and he said he'd try then my birthday came..and he even forgot it was my birthday until i reminded him and then he sent me a heartfelt message...then later on reminded him about my coming then he later said he was busy that we should postpone it...i got really upset cause he knows i dont get the chance to go out but now i do ..so he should have created the chance..he told me he was sorry but i continued talking dis n dat which made him angry..he ghosted me till the next day..i even called him but he didn't pick my calls then the next day he did and i told him how bad i felt that he did that on my birthday..i.e ignoring me

But he told me angrily that if i knew what he has done cause of me i wont be saying all this I'm saying..i asked him what it is..then he said because of me..i got him really angry that made him shout at his mum..talking back at her because she came visiting..i was going to talk back cause i didn't see anything i did wrong but then he said he's going to be staying in the barracks for a week as punishment..actually i didn't mention it..all his family are in the military,both his parents.

And he has been there before for two days and he came back with lot of marks on his body..but now it would be for a week.And when i think about it everything happened because of me

I felt really really bad..he also said other things that he already has lot of things he's going through and i was busy adding my own..that y cant i just try and understand and that he told me he doesn't believe in love or anything like that..that i should grow up..he said lot of things

Before then i sent him a voice note express how i feel but he ignored them..and i couldn't even bring it up cause i felt really guilty for all that happened

So now my question is should i just let him go

[Andrina]

Why would you stay in a toxic environment? Do you enjoy your gut roiling with such negative drama? Is that normal to you in your home life so that's in your comfort level?

Even if he was pleasant to you, the fact he is suicidal, if in fact that's true, makes him in no position to be in any romantic relationship. He should be seeking treatment for that without the distraction and stress of a romance, but that's his business to handle or not handle as he sees fit.

Perhaps you have a rescuing mentality which is never a healthy thing to do to yourself.

How old are you? Are you planning on going to college? Have your parents given an age when you can start dating? I always love to hear about schools that give programs to girls in spotting red flags when it comes to romance, and signs one should never enter into a romance with an abusive guy, and also how to leave the relationship. Since your school apparently doesn't have that program, you will have to educate yourself. Thank goodness you never even kissed him and never even dated him. Start reading books and articles on how to wisely date for when the time comes that you can do so. Knowledge is power.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Anneson said:

I met him at a lesson we both go too..and after the lesson ended we didn't get the chance to meet again cause i have protective parents that don't let me go out.

Can you clarify the bolded?  Do you mean they don't let you "date"?  Are you allowed to go out with friends? 

It sounded like your birthday was a one time deal and you were allowed to go out to meet your friend (and subsequently him without your parents' knowledge) that day but what about the other 364 days of the year? 

How old are you?  Are you home schooled?

I will await your response before responding further. 

 

 

[ShySoul]

None of that happened because of you It sounds like his parents have done things to him and continue to do so. They are instigating and causing trouble, This has damaged him and caused him to have his own emotional and physical issues that he isn't handling in a very mature manner. He allowed his anger and fustration to come out and aimed it at the nearest target - you. But you were right, you didn't do anything. All you wanted was to have this person make time for you on your borthday, as any potential partner wouold do. So don't take feel guilty over it and don't allow him to put the blame on you. He (and his parents) are the ones responsible and need to learn accountability.

Seems like he has had a messed up life and is not in the position to give you the relationship you deserve. He told he doesn't believe in love, so how is he going to be able to love you? This is a person who needs love and attention himself, and who needs to learn to love himself. If you were older and had your life in order, I think your presence could be a good influence on him (provided you still watched out for your safety But you're not. You are young and not in the position to be able to give that to him. And he isnt in the position to give that to you. 

You tried your best. You said your piece and tried to defend yourself. You've reached out and tried to help him. But until he can help himself, he isn't in the postion for any relationship, not just with you.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

Why would you stay in a toxic environment? Do you enjoy your gut roiling with such negative drama? Is that normal to you in your home life so that's in your comfort level?

Even if he was pleasant to you, the fact he is suicidal, if in fact that's true, makes him in no position to be in any romantic relationship. He should be seeking treatment for that without the distraction and stress of a romance, but that's his business to handle or not handle as he sees fit.

Perhaps you have a rescuing mentality which is never a healthy thing to do to yourself.

How old are you? Are you planning on going to college? Have your parents given an age when you can start dating? I always love to hear about schools that give programs to girls in spotting red flags when it comes to romance, and signs one should never enter into a romance with an abusive guy, and also how to leave the relationship. Since your school apparently doesn't have that program, you will have to educate yourself. Thank goodness you never even kissed him and never even dated him. Start reading books and articles on how to wisely date for when the time comes that you can do so. Knowledge is power.

Agree with this^.  Who gives a * about the boyfriend, he is who he is, doesn't matter why.  His parents, his screwed up childhood, it does not matter. 

What matters is why YOU choose this for yourself.  His behavior is not your fault nor your responsibility.  You choosing this for yourself IS.  Please learn this, it will help you a lot as you experience life. 

Andrina was spot on with everything she wrote and hope you're listening @Anneson.

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Let him go.  He's too unstable.  Never be a hero,  never try to fix anybody despite your good intentions.  It's not your job to rescue anybody.  Avoid anyone who is high maintenance because they're a drag and not healthy for your mental well being. 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Who gives a * about the boyfriend, he is who he is, doesn't matter why.  His parents, his screwed up childhood, it does not matter. 

Think it matters to him. And if any of us were in his shoes, I would think we would want it to matter to someone else. Doesn't justify the behavior. But you can't fully deal with or process what happened unless you try to understand ALL perspectives.

And as someone who has dealt with people having suicidal thoughts and had them myself, it's a delicate situation. I already felt like I and nothing I did mattered. To know that was the reaction of others, particularly one I thought cared for me and was helping me through it, would have set be back even further. I wonder how people would ract if they found out that losing you was the thing that pushed a person over the edge. Yes, it wouldn't be your fault. But I imagine there would be some hurt and second guessing.

I know I'm on an island regarding this, but I try to show compassion and understanding to everyone, even if they've messed up.

[ShySoul]

Anneson, you've done what you can. You helped him when he needed you. But he has to be the one to help himself. If it is causing you pain, then it's not healthy for you. You have to protect your own well being. 

I hope both of you can find the peace and happiness you deserve.

1 hour ago, Vapecoin said:

using each other as a strawman to blame rather than what's really the problem. Environment, trauma, bad borderline criminal parents, circumstances... You both are trying to find happiness through each other but struggle with happiness to begin with. That won't change until choices change, thoughts change, environment changes.

Well said. Things could change, but it would require a very different frame of mind then he seems to be in right now. Unless that changes, nothing will change.

[smackie9]

Him and his life is too unstable and you are not a social worker...get out now.