What is some advice for an almost 32-year-old virgin?

[lucky992]

I’m 31 and turning 32 on October 9, considered attractive by many, yet I'm a virgin who has never been in a relationship. I lead a normal life, am sociable, and run a small business, but my lack of intimate experience weighs heavily on me. I'm interested in a 28-year-old woman, but I fear she might reject me due to my inexperience. The feeling of shame is overwhelming, and as time passes, I worry it's too late for me. This situation stems from a past rejection that led me to avoid pursuing relationships, causing my insecurities to mount. Recently, I met a woman who works in a local shop, and I'm very drawn to her—it's been years since I've felt this way about anyone; I even dreamt about her. Please excuse any errors in my English. I understand that many women might be reluctant to date older male virgins, according to what I've read online. I'm open to any advice.

[shouldhavelearned]

Get out and be social.

Attend mixers, events you enjoy. 

Go to the library.

Talk to as many women as you can to feel comfortable. 

Just start with hi, my name is....

Mention it to family and friends you need a date for an event and see if they know anyone that might be interested.

[ShySoul]

Yes, many women may be reluctant to date a virgin. But those aren't the kind of girls you would want for a relationship anyway. Do you really want someone who would judge you based on such a superficial thing? 

There will also be women out there who might like the idea of being with a virgin. There is something romantic and charming to know that they are "pure," having saved themselves and waited for the right time and person. She gets to be the very first, the one who shares such an intimate personal experience when no one else has. She can teach you and show you things. She can witness the joy of someone experiencing everything new and fresh, something most women as they get older probably won't get to do. She won't have to worry about you comparing her to past experiences and other women. She'll get someone who will approach it with extra enthusiasm and passion, all those years of built up desire. And practically, less health risk.

See, it's all how you look it it. There's many advantages to being a virgin.

I once knew a woman in her late 20s and a woman in her 30s. Both were virgins themselves and told me how they dreamed of finding a male who was also a virgin. So there are girls out there in the same position as you and even would be happy to meet you.

When you meet the right person, and it's the right time, it will be fine. If the woman is right for you, she will like you for you. Your sexual history won't be a top concern. A person's virginity is a personal thing. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about it. You should do it when you are ready, for something that is real and someone that really loves you and you love her. Any woman who deserves a guy like you will be fine with your lack of experience and will respect you for it.

[Batya33]

I personally would have been fine with that aspect.  I'm not sure I would have been fine with the reasons why. I was looking for marriage at age 28 and I'd have had serious concerns about a man in his early 30s who chose to let one bad dating experience where he was rejected stop him from trying again.  I'd be concerned about his choice of fear over closeness, fear over the chance at being in a loving long term relationship leading to marriage and family.  But if the person told me it was for religious reasons, moral reasons, or similar that would have been fine.  

I waited until I was 24.5.  I was going to wait for marriage and changed my mind. I was rejected many times over in my many years dating.  Some hurt more than others.  My unwavering goal was marriage to the right person for me -without settling - and therefore I chose not to let getting hurt or the risk of being hurt get in my way of meeting appropriate people and dating people.  I didn't take dumb risks like dating people who were unstable in some way, who were still in relationships, who didn't want marriage or family but I took the typical risks so many take when their goal is potential marriage and family. 

I wouldn't have been a match at age 28 for someone with the reasons you stated but at age 28 I started dating my future husband who had very little dating experience compared to me and was very quiet and shy. 

I knew from the first time I met him 9 months earlier that he was a person of character and integrity with a positive outlook, positive energy and vibes and reasonably stable. That he had little experience wasn't a big deal in the least.

At age 31 (future husband and I broke up for many years) I dated a man with a similar background -little experience - and his reasons why made sense to me too.  

So it depends.  By contrast I avoided dating men who were comfortable with casual sex and having had multiple casual sex partners.  When I did I regretted it. (Not because we had casual sex- because we had incompatible values).

[ShySoul]

Lucky, do some more research. However, focus on looking for postive articles that show virginity as something good, not something to be ashamed off. I've finding quite a few and I'm seeing comments from women that might cheer you up (and even blush). These comments were about a 32 year old virgin male:

"It is SO hot to hear a guy is a virgin! Sex is everywhere, and to meet someone who didn't /doesn't put such importance on it is really admirable, and did I mention smokin' a** hot?!"

"Lots of woman like men like you because for one you are sincere and second because they can teach you the things that they like! You should be proud of it."

"I would think it was adorable. The right woman would think was extra special if you told her you were waiting for just he right one."

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/relationships/q6491-would-women-date-32-year-old-virgin

https://everydayfeminism.com/2014/10/problem-male-virginity/

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Lucky, do some more research. However, focus on looking for postive articles that show virginity as something good, not something to be ashamed off. I've finding quite a few and I'm seeing comments from women that might cheer you up (and even blush). These comments were about a 32 year old virgin male:

"It is SO hot to hear a guy is a virgin! Sex is everywhere, and to meet someone who didn't /doesn't put such importance on it is really admirable, and did I mention smokin' a** hot?!"

"Lots of woman like men like you because for one you are sincere and second because they can teach you the things that they like! You should be proud of it."

"I would think it was adorable. The right woman would think was extra special if you told her you were waiting for just he right one."

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/relationships/q6491-would-women-date-32-year-old-virgin

https://everydayfeminism.com/2014/10/problem-male-virginity/

 

I don't think it has to be seen as positive or hot -why not just neutral -no biggie. What is a biggie to many people I know and know of is a person in their 30s who avoided all relationships and intimacy because of one rejection -and chose not to work through that because -presumably being in a serious relationship wasn't worth it. However a person looking for a sexual experience, a one night stand, a sexual arrangement or fling likely wouldn't care about this aspect at all, likely wouldn't care about virginity and/or might find it hot.  Depends on what the OP is looking for.  And we're not sure what the 28 year old woman is looking for either.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it has to be seen as positive or hot -why not just neutral -no biggie

I agree, most people won't care one way or another. It doesn't really matter when we lose it, what matters is that it's the right time and the right person. It doesn't matter if it never actually happens. There are so many other and more important things in life.

My goal was to try to get him to shift perspective. He's so focused on it being a negative that he's sabotaging himself. Having known plenty of guys in his shoes, they get stuck in berating themselves for a perceived shortcoming. But if I can get them thinking postive and see it could actually be a benefit to them, tends to build up the confidence and gets them to start framing the issue differently. The power of positive reinforcement.

And besides, there really are woman who find it hot. Why not believe when it does happen it will be all you've waited for and more?  😉

5 hours ago, lucky992 said:

This situation stems from a past rejection that led me to avoid pursuing relationships, causing my insecurities to mount

What were the circumstances of the rejection? If it hurt you so badly that you weren't ready to pursue something else, that's okay. Healing takes as much time as you need it to take, Some will take 5 minutes, some will take 5 years. Others take longer. What counts is that you take a look at one happened and come to a place of peace and understanding with it. If you haven't been able to, or just aren't ready for something else, then that is fine. It's actually better you don't pursue something until you are sure you are ready for it.

Whatever happened, you are stronger then it. That was one person. They do not speak for or represent everyone. There is someone out there that will value you for you and treat you better. You just need to believe it. I was devastated by someone once. I didn't think I could ever survive or love again. I was wrong. And what came after was far better and more amazing then anything I could have had with the first one.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Vapecoin said:

I get laid plenty of often and lemme tell you, it's mediocre. Most people just aren't that good at sex, they're barely attractive, and they'll look for any excuse to be alone so relationships are a ticking time bomb. You're not missing out, really...

. You know what my last two relationships were? "You were just a fetish for me" and "I'm not in love with you anymore" 

Maybe take a break from it all? Definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results, right? Instead of seeking relationships and sex to find something and not be alone only for it to end in disaster, just throw your hands up and say "Why bother?" Something always tends to come along when it's supposed to anyway.

I've never tried looking for love and certainly not sex. But when I have gotten physical, I've never found it lacking. Think it's because I waited until it was the right person who did love me. That connection made it stronger and we clicked on every level.

2 hours ago, Vapecoin said:

I'm talking to a Catholic girl right now with at least five guys burgers and fries on their hands and knees to marry her.

Five Guys? Try being different and offer her In-N-Out instead. 😁

[smackie9]

You need to be more socially active, have a few friends, and do social activities. Shy people have a difficult time finding each other because ya don't get out there a interact with people at parties, events, functions, etc. How is anyone supposed to know who you are, and what you like to do? there are courses you can take, like public speaking, assertive training, and those camps where they challenge you physically and mentally. have to get off yer butt and get moving. 

[TeeDee]

Sex is an instinctual act.  Assuming you know the basics -- tab A goes into slot B the rest will come.  Don't worry & don't announce your virginity before hand. 

Do some things to improve your overall self esteem.  If you regain some of your confidence, this will be easier to manage. 

Like anything else, sex is a bit of a skill.  You will get better as you go along.  

[ShySoul]

Also realize that each new partner is a new experience. Just because they had sex before is no guarentee it was good for them. And it's no guarantee that because you haven't that you won't be good either. If you care about the person and fully allow yourself to be in the moment, everything will work out just as it's supposed to.

I'd say let them know in advance. Before you have sex you should both be fully aware of what you each bring to the table in terms of your past. Be honest, as honesty is important in any relationship. If she is the right one for you, she won't have a problem with it and will probably want to do everything she can to make it easier and memorable for you.

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 6/30/2024 at 7:52 PM, ShySoul said:

Five Guys? Try being different and offer her In-N-Out instead. 😁

Excellent choice!  Doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg. Also tastes hot and fresh. Even better when you get your burger or fries animal style.   

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 7/2/2024 at 10:25 AM, smackie9 said:

You need to be more socially active, have a few friends, and do social activities. Shy people have a difficult time finding each other because ya don't get out there an interact with people at parties, events, functions, etc. How is anyone supposed to know who you are, and what you like to do? there are courses you can take, like public speaking, assertive training, and those camps where they challenge you physically and mentally. have to get off yer butt and get moving. 

Does all of this apply to those of us who are in our late 40s as well?  

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 6/30/2024 at 5:07 PM, ShySoul said:

Lucky, do some more research. However, focus on looking for postive articles that show virginity as something good, not something to be ashamed off. I've finding quite a few and I'm seeing comments from women that might cheer you up (and even blush). These comments were about a 32 year old virgin male:

"It is SO hot to hear a guy is a virgin! Sex is everywhere, and to meet someone who didn't /doesn't put such importance on it is really admirable, and did I mention smokin' a** hot?!"

"Lots of woman like men like you because for one you are sincere and second because they can teach you the things that they like! You should be proud of it."

"I would think it was adorable. The right woman would think was extra special if you told her you were waiting for just he right one."

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/relationships/q6491-would-women-date-32-year-old-virgin

https://everydayfeminism.com/2014/10/problem-male-virginity/

 

Being one at 47, I feel like it’s a double edged sword. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Being one at 47, I feel like it’s a double edged sword. 

I felt that way in my late 30s when the assumption was I was Still Single because no man had wanted to marry me.  Dating is hard at any age.  I'm surprised the conversation here is so focused on how he shares just  the fact that he is a virgin as opposed to how he plans to share if it gets to a real discussion about dating regularly -why he hasn't been sexually intimate.  The why to me is the concern, not the fact that he is  a virgin.  And as far as the fact I don't see why he should care whether it's seen as hot or neutral - it is what it is just like if he dates a woman over 35 the fact is if she wants to birth a baby she's likely to have more challenges than someone  younger and she too can be questioned as  to why she never started a family with someone years earlier.  There are all sorts of "outliers" like that in the dating world.

[lucky992]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I felt that way in my late 30s when the assumption was I was Still Single because no man had wanted to marry me.  Dating is hard at any age.  I'm surprised the conversation here is so focused on how he shares just  the fact that he is a virgin as opposed to how he plans to share if it gets to a real discussion about dating regularly -why he hasn't been sexually intimate.  The why to me is the concern, not the fact that he is  a virgin.  And as far as the fact I don't see why he should care whether it's seen as hot or neutral - it is what it is just like if he dates a woman over 35 the fact is if she wants to birth a baby she's likely to have more challenges than someone  younger and she too can be questioned as  to why she never started a family with someone years earlier.  There are all sorts of "outliers" like that in the dating world.

the reasons are many during adolescence and up to 23-24 years old I was in a difficult economic situation which influenced, I have always been shy with women, and I have a bit of self-esteem problems although as many have told me I am a good looking man, I want to get out of this situation, because I really like this girl, it's been a long time since I liked anyone like this

[smackie9]

7 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Does all of this apply to those of us who are in our late 40s as well?  

yes

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, lucky992 said:

the reasons are many during adolescence and up to 23-24 years old I was in a difficult economic situation which influenced, I have always been shy with women, and I have a bit of self-esteem problems although as many have told me I am a good looking man, I want to get out of this situation, because I really like this girl, it's been a long time since I liked anyone like this

Right exactly so the issue will be not whether you've had intercourse but why you chose not to put in the effort to get over  your various challenges in order to be involved in serious or potentially serious romantic relationships.  A woman who is interested in having sex with you but not dating you likely won't care and a woman looking for a casual dating arrangement might not be interested in having sexual intercourse casually but an adult woman interested in finding a potentially serious romantic relationship likely will carea great deal about your choices not to get involved.  Whether you're told you're good looking or not is irrelevant other than to a person who focuses on looks and is looking primarily for a sexual encounter focused on physical features as the main attraction.  

If you want to be involved in a potentially serious relationship I'd be open as soon as it's appropriate that you have chosen not to be involved in one until now and that you had internal/mental health challenges but that now you are enthusiastic about getting seriously involved, you are long-term minded etc.  The status of whether you've had intercourse likely will come up in that context. 

Many people have intercourse and some with multiple partners whether or not they are interested in getting to know someone in the way people do who are serious minded.  It doesn't mean they have the sort of sexual experience that is relevant.  But what would be relevant to me as an adult women looking for a potential serious relationship is why a 32 year old man made the choices he did not to do what it took to connect with women with potential for a serious relationship (despite no guarantees).  That is how I personally would have viewed it.  That is the perspective I humbly suggest  you have not whether you've ever had intercourse.

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Excellent choice!  Doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg. Also tastes hot and fresh. Even better when you get your burger or fries animal style.   

Probably an unpopular opinion, but I find In-N-Out overrated. Don't get me wrong, it's fine. But from the way everyone was raving about it before I tried it, I was expecting a lot more. Guess that's the danger when you hype something. Undersell, then overdeliver. Personally, I grew up on the Whopper so that's always going to be my fast food burger of choice.

15 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Being one at 47, I feel like it’s a double edged sword. 

It is. There's a stigma attached to it and so much of the world is sexualized. It's not easy. But you can always choose to keep that negative edge in the sheath and instead wield the more postitive edge. 

And I could be making so many inappropriate jokes right now. Must resist....

For what it's worth, 47 is still pretty young. And if Issac Newton and Nicolas Tesla probably died as virgins, goes to show you can do pretty well for youself even if you never have that experience.

https://www.oldest.org/people/virgins/

https://www.kaya959.co.za/entertainment/123-year-old-virgin-still-hopes-to-fulfill-her-desire-for-intimacy/

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, lucky992 said:

the reasons are many during adolescence and up to 23-24 years old I was in a difficult economic situation which influenced, I have always been shy with women, and I have a bit of self-esteem problems although as many have told me I am a good looking man, I want to get out of this situation, because I really like this girl, it's been a long time since I liked anyone like this

Don't focus on the sex part. That will take care of itself when the time is right. Don't even worry about having a relationship. Instead focus on your self esteem. Think of your good qualties. Concentrate on all the good things inside of you that you could bring to a relationship. Learn to be happy with yourself. When you truly believe in and have confidence in yourself, that shows through. Just being the person you natural are, and recognizing that it's a good person will attract someone eventually. 

I went from shy with no experience, no female paying any attention, and feeling like I wasn't good enough to a half dozen females being interested in me in a matter of months. The secret was to stop caring and beating myself up over what I hadn't done. Instead I embraced being me, every part of me - the no relationship, no kiss virgin part as well. I had the confidence to be okay with it and let people like me or not for who I was. That authenticity and openess, combined with my nice and compassionate nature, attracted others.

Don't worry about it. Be you and simply spend time with this woman. Enjoy each other's company. Treat her well and relax. See where it goes. Should something happen, you'll be fine. Believe in yourself.

[lucky992]

On 7/5/2024 at 12:50 AM, ShySoul said:

Don't focus on the sex part. That will take care of itself when the time is right. Don't even worry about having a relationship. Instead focus on your self esteem. Think of your good qualties. Concentrate on all the good things inside of you that you could bring to a relationship. Learn to be happy with yourself. When you truly believe in and have confidence in yourself, that shows through. Just being the person you natural are, and recognizing that it's a good person will attract someone eventually. 

I went from shy with no experience, no female paying any attention, and feeling like I wasn't good enough to a half dozen females being interested in me in a matter of months. The secret was to stop caring and beating myself up over what I hadn't done. Instead I embraced being me, every part of me - the no relationship, no kiss virgin part as well. I had the confidence to be okay with it and let people like me or not for who I was. That authenticity and openess, combined with my nice and compassionate nature, attracted others.

Don't worry about it. Be you and simply spend time with this woman. Enjoy each other's company. Treat her well and relax. See where it goes. Should something happen, you'll be fine. Believe in yourself.

How old were you when finally had your first experiences