Fearful Avoidant Destroyed Me - 37M 33F

[Bern216]

We have now been broken up for 2.5 weeks and 6 days NC. Is it hard still? Yes my feelings for her were genuine but I am feeling much better than I was when I first made this post. 
 

I have worked on getting lost in work and the gym. Seeing a therapist has helped tremendously as we are now working towards why I’d even consider taking somebody back that is this toxic for my mental health. He said we are done talking about your ex as you know what the end result will be if you decide to take her back as long as she’s not being treated for her BPD.

We are now working towards building up my self esteem so I realize that I truly deserve more than what she was offering. Which will help me in future relationships to set boundaries and stick to them. Moments of weakness do come but I am excited to continue to heal and come out a stronger person. 

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Bern216 said:

He said we are done talking about your ex as you know what the end result will be if you decide to take her back as long as she’s not being treated for her BPD.

Your therapist has a good point, but also does not even know what her mental health issues are. He has never met her and cannot begin to assume she suffers from BPD. Please be cautious in indluging that line of thinking. 

5 hours ago, Bern216 said:

We are now working towards building up my self esteem so I realize that I truly deserve more than what she was offering.

Focus on this instead. It will help you make bettter choices in the future. 

[catfeeder]

I missed whether you ever got tested for this STI? Were you positive, and how successful was your course of treatment? I think you got milked for that second round of money. The grown woman failed to treat herself properly, and that's on you? How about if she wants more money next month--is that your problem, too?

I agree with your therapist. This woman showed you and even told you that she was a walking propeller blade, and you embraced her for it anyway. That doesn't make you a villain or a bad person, in fact, I think most of us have gone there. But your unwillingness to block her? What does that tell you about your commitment to your own healing?

Next appointment with your therapist consider pulling out your phone and blocking this woman--on everything--right in front of the therapist. This accountability may help you to feel like you've won liberation, and the rest of your session may turn out very satisfying.

You deserve to find happiness and contentment, and you deserve to find a healthy person to love. But you can't get there by victimizing yourself or holding this breakup open to pour all your sorrows into. It's a toxic opening, and it doesn't serve you to place a bandage on it and call that healing. Clear it out, acknowledge the discomfort that goes along with that, and seal it shut with the proper medicinal attitude and goals of your own for a fabulous future. A heathy person attracts healthy people. A toxic person attracts more toxicity.

It's a decision. You can do this.

[Bern216]

I did test positive for the STI. I assumed I would since she tested positive. But I took my two rounds of antibiotics and just waiting another week to get tested which the doctor directed me to do. A lot of people have told me to not beat myself up over it bc it’s very possible she was actually the one that gave it to me.
 

As far as blocking her I need to. People are concerned she will try to come back into my life and the damage she can inflict this time will be a lot more severe. I need to find the strength to do it. I’m not sure what’s making me hold on. I know it’s 100% a me issue. 

[Bern216]

Well I was enjoying myself with friends at a pool party/cookout. I go to check my phone and there she is once again reaching out. The nerve of this woman is unreal. 

She told me she will not receive her first paycheck for another two weeks and was asking if I could send her money. I did respond with I hate that the only time you ever reach out is when you need money. She goes you think I enjoy this? I'm also having a very hard time getting over what recently happened. I said it's hard for me as well because we could've easily worked through this. She then replied its hard for me to trust anybody. I stated I know that is why I was always honest with you about everything. 

She goes look I am not trying to get into a fight alright. I said we aren't fighting at all just at this point trying to figure out what you want. She goes right now I don't want anything.  I state that is what I figured which is why I have chosen to respect your decision. She was like well I feel like an idiot for reaching out to you. I was like don't I will always love and care for you and of course I would want to help. She goes I am assuming there are stipulations. I said there are none. If  we were together I would 100% be there for you but due to the current circumstances I cannot help you. She replied with K. I said I am happy that you're starting your new job and that I'm excited for you. She then goes yup thanks. 

Do I feel worse? Honestly I might even feel better because she is showing me her true colors and just how truly toxic she is. I am proud of myself for one being true to myself and also standing my ground and not giving her more money. Was it hard yes because I do have feelings and want to be there for her. A few weeks ago I probably would've caved so I am glad to see that I am healing.

 

[catfeeder]

30 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

A few weeks ago I probably would've caved so I am glad to see that I am healing.

Good. Maybe now you'll be able to block her...

Fingers crossed for you.

[Tinydance]

Dude you have seriously dodged a massive bullet here! This woman is a complete fruit loop! At the lack of a better word, she's crazy. From everything you've described, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. She just completely flipped out and acted really out of line!

She had absolutely no right to go through your phone for no reason. And especially to break up with you just because you talked to other women before her! It's none of her business whatsoever who you talked to before her and what you said to them! She hugely violated your privacy.

I actually can't believe you keep responding to her. Especially because it's now becoming clear that she's using you for money. Please block her on everything for your own sanity and protection!

[MissCanuck]

On 7/15/2024 at 2:37 AM, Bern216 said:

I was like don't I will always love and care for you

Dude, really?

You will always love this unhinged woman who treated you like crap and that you only dated a few months?

And you said this to her after she tried to squeeze more money out of you? 

 

[Bern216]

Yeah I know but I’m glad I was strong enough to not cave which is progress this time. 

[Bern216]

So it has been one month since the breakup. It is hard to believe that it has already been that long as I type this out. Are things any easier? I would say yes they are but definitely have my weak moments which today has been very difficult for me. I think what has delayed my healing is that she has continued to reach out after the breakup with the longest we have gone NC is 11 days which we all know is no time at all. I do know it is my fault as well because I for one didn't have to respond or I could've easily just blocked all forms of contact. I do truly love this girl so one month is by no means enough time to get over somebody especially with there being so much contact after the breakup and also that our relationship  was heading in the right direction until she decided it was no longer what she wanted. 

Last Sunday she told me things such as I don't want anything right now, I am having a hard time getting over everything that happened recently and I am having a hard time trusting you it clearly shows me that healing and moving on is the only option. There's so much animosity towards me so any interaction with her at this point will continue to set me back and delay my healing. I did make sure to tell her I will always have love for her and that I am gonna respect the decision that she no longer wants me in her life. 

I will say I went on a couple casual dates this week which went well but I felt guilty the entire time as if I was cheating on her. There was nothing sexual at all just felt horrible and was wishing she was the one sitting across from me the entire time. I do truly wish her all the best. Nobody knows what the future has in store but it is obvious at this point in her life she is just not ready for a relationship. 

My path is clear. I will continue to stick to NC, focus on me such as getting lost in work, the gym, picking up old hobbies, continue to see my therapist and surround myself with friends and family. I do not expect any responses but any insight is always appreciated. I will continue to give updates in my healing journey as this helps me stick to the path I know I need to stay on to come out of this in a much better headspace. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I did make sure to tell her I will always have love for her

Again? 

Why do you keep repeating this? You need a backbone, dude. Sorry to be very blunt, bur you are simping hardcore here. 

[Morello]

OP, how old are you? It looks like you're confusing love with lust. Sorry, but you do not love her, and the fact that you keep repeating this is very concerning. Are you seeing a therapist?

You say you will continue with NC, but you haven't been in NC. You are in absolute denial.

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, Morello said:

OP, how old are you?

From his thread title, 37. Old enough to put all this nonsense behind him, that's for sure. 

[Bern216]

I am not confusing love with lust. I am 37 years old and I’ve been through both. Sure I miss the sex and physical intimacy part of it but I miss a lot more than that. Our talks that we would have every night before bed. Hearing about her day, doing small things for her, just everything that went into the relationship. I did truly want to build a future with her was far from lust. I’ve experienced lust and it’s nothing like this. You can tell me how you think I feel all you want but at the end of the day they are my feelings. 
 

Sure if me telling her how I feel is simping then so be it. I stood my ground our last discussion and told her no when she asked for more money. 
 

I have been in NC for 7 days now and will continue to stick with it. Agreed I have not been in NC previously that’s why my healing has been delayed but I know what I need to because any talks with her are not productive by any means. 
 

Yes I am seeing a therapist to now work on my self esteem and self worth. He was concerned as to why I’d even entertain her coming back into my life after the way she treated me towards the end of the relationship. 

[Bern216]

So I was on Facebook last night and saw that I had a friend request from some random girl. I had no clue who she was so went to her profile. I noticed that she worked where my Ex use to work before she got fired, was single, and lived in the same town as my ex. So I clicked on her profile pics and sure enough my Ex loved every pic Now it wasn’t a fake profile bc she had a ton of friends and plenty of likes on all her pics. I’m  thinking now why on earth is one of her friends trying to add me when one we have never talked or met,  and have zero mutual friends. She literally had to go out of her way to type my name out to find me. Then 12 hours later she cancelled the request because I never accepted. 
 

Now I wanted to give my Ex the benefit of the doubt that she was not behind it but this was just too weird and random. Even my therapist today said it’s most likely her pulling the strings. He said I highly doubt this girl that knew nothing about you that is friends with her just magically wanted to connect on Facebook. My friends and family even see it as high school game as her trying to get a reaction or testing me. 
 

Some of my friends are concerned that her behavior is escalating and that I truly do need to be careful

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

that I truly do need to be careful

Eh, I wouldn't go that far. She seems manipulative and calculating but I don't see any truly dangerous behaviour towards you. 

It's risky for your emotional health, yes, because she knows exactly how to wind you up. But let it be even more reason to leave her in the past forever and never speak to her again. 

[Bern216]

Yeah I wouldn’t say this is dangerous behavior but is a light form of stalking. I guess my friends are just concerned that the night of the break up she did threaten to hit me multiple times, threatened to self harm herself and blame me. Also if her Dad and Brother showed up that night which they threatened to it would’ve been very ugly for me. Her Dad and Brother love violence and I know they would’ve brought their guns so lord knows how that would have turned out. 
 

They just want me to get as far away from the situation as possible bc they are worried about what she is capable of. 

[yogacat]

What are you talking about?

I would say that that is dangerous behavior. Threatening to hit, hurt or harm someone, to self harm, and involving others who could potentially bring violence into the situation, is very concerning and dangerous. It's good that your friends are concerned for your safety and are encouraging you to distance yourself from the situation.

Hitting you and blaming you for her self harm is straight up physical and emotional abuse.

Take their advice and stay safe.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Bern216 said:

They just want me to get as far away from the situation as possible bc they are worried about what she is capable of. 

And have you blocked her yet? 

[LotusBlack]

@Bern216 You are so lucky you are in a position to be able to block someone and walk away from a toxic, terrible situation. I am nearly 3 years post break-up (1.5 post divorce) with my ex-husband who was emotionally, psychologically, and financially extremely abusive. But, I have to see his face and hear his voice for over an hour on a video chat EVERY Saturday because we have a 4yo together.

My son cannot operate my phone on his own, nor has the concentration to sometimes not forget he is talking to his dad during the conversation. As such, I have to supervise my son to make sure he’s on track, and engage with my ex up to a certain degree. It has dragged my healing out by YEARS. I wish I could co-parent with my ex in such a way as limiting our interactions to polite drop-offs and pick-ups only. But, due to our living internationally from each other, this is how it has to be. 

I know you believe yourself to be in love with this woman, but what you are feeling is not love. Far be it for me to tell another person how they feel, but, truly, you cannot genuinely love someone who does not allow you to love them, nor is it a healthy, positive emotion that you’re experiencing (from you towards them) when a person treats you in a way that is psychologically and emotionally damaging and then call that feeling [romantic] love. It’s just not possible. Sure, you can feel empathy, compassion, understanding, etc. and truly want them to be healthy and happy, but romantic love? No. I dare say what you feel is a desperate desire to be part of something with someone you initially felt a spark with and saw potential in. In addition, there is a level of trauma bonding and martyrdom.

What you envision with this woman ‘if only things could get back on track’ is a mirage. It doesn’t exist, because the person you believe her to be deep down doesn’t actually exist. You’re hanging onto a hope that isn’t real. That is why I know what you feel to be love, simply cannot be love. It’s an addiction to the hope of things turning out well if only she’d stop doing what she’s doing. She can’t. And she won’t. And you are sabotaging yourself by not blocking her. Because you don’t truly want her to stop reaching out. You are looking for any reason to justifiably forgive her and give her another chance. 

Continue on this path to your own certain detriment. She is never going to be anything other than who she is and who she is is a toxic, unwell, abusive individual - BPD or not. Many people with mental health issues who are GOOD people, choose to make the best choices they can in their circumstances, such as seeking ongoing support and treatment so that they are good to themselves and others. You are bonded to the illusion of her, not her herself. This is not love.

Please help yourself by removing her completely. She is a cancer and one gets rid of cancer, not tries to hold onto it. You’re very lucky to have that option, unlike me.

 

[Bern216]

LotusBlack I would love your reply if I could. Your response was very enlightening. I highly appreciate it more than you know. Sorry to hear you’re going through what you are. 

[LotusBlack]

4 hours ago, Bern216 said:

LotusBlack I would love your reply if I could. Your response was very enlightening. I highly appreciate it more than you know. Sorry to hear you’re going through what you are. 

I hope some of what I said can help you move forward. You deserve love, not this toxic abuse. Just think - which choice[s] brings you closer to [true] happiness and which choice[s] take you further away from it. Then, act accordingly.

As for me, I’m past most of it now. But, I do still struggle with resentment and anger towards my ex for the unnecessarily difficult positions he’s constantly putting me in with regards to our son. Be very glad that you are not in such a situation.

Also, I highly suspect your ex gave you that STI, not the other way around. And, I’m equally sure that she knows that too. I’d feel disgusted at such behaviour as to not even be able to stomach speaking to that person again. Imagine she gave you something more serious that permanently affects your life. Would you still be so forgiving?

[Bern216]

In regards to the STI I’m starting to agree with you on that. Because she has twisted everything around to place the blame on me. Even friends and family have stated out of all your past partners how many have come to you with something like this. The answer is none. She is the first person I’ve had this issue with. Seems suspicious.

Agreed I have two paths I can heal and move on eventually finding the love that I want and deserve. Or I could continue to go down the rabbit hole with her. Decision seems easy when you put it like that. 

[LotusBlack]

22 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

In regards to the STI I’m starting to agree with you on that. Because she has twisted everything around to place the blame on me. Even friends and family have stated out of all your past partners how many have come to you with something like this. The answer is none. She is the first person I’ve had this issue with. Seems suspicious.

Agreed I have two paths I can heal and move on eventually finding the love that I want and deserve. Or I could continue to go down the rabbit hole with her. Decision seems easy when you put it like that. 

The decision is very easy to make, less so to actually do. But, do it you must.

Love yourself more than than the phantom attachment that you have to her. Like phantom pain - it feels so real, but it isn’t. For whatever reason, you’ve attached yourself to this woman, but it cannot end in happiness because she is not a happy or healthy person and people who are unhappy and unhealthy need to heal before they can even start to entertain life united with someone else.

It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility or job to provide us with happiness, we need to do it ourselves and then we can share it with others as they equally share theirs with us. It’s too much responsibility to be the one in charge of another’s happiness, and often it is an unattainable responsibility to fulfil.

Further, if you do truly care about her as a person, you’ll block her and be done - not just for your sake, but for hers too. You are currently a crutch, an enabler. She needs to walk her own path on her own or she will never get close to being a healthy person.