Fearful Avoidant Destroyed Me - 37M 33F

[Bern216]

I will try and keep this as short as possible. I was in a fantastic 4 month relationship. Had tons in common, did a lot of fun things together, we wanted the same things in life, she told me she loved me like she's never loved anybody else and we started to make plans to move in together at the end of the year because we were in a long distance relationship. I met her family and in July she was going to meet mine. Well we had an amazing vacation together and a few days later things changed drastically.

I always drove down to spend the weekend with her after the work week and could immediately tell something was off. This was June 14th. She wasn't excited to see me, no affection, turned down my advances for intimacy. I knew something was up but kept it to myself. The rest of the weekend was not bad. Saturday we went to a festival and she was like have you ever been to something like this before and I haven't. She was like this will be the first of many firsts for you with me. So thought okay maybe she was having an off day yesterday. Then fathers day came. I could immediately again tell something was up. Her Dad and Brother were arguing and I could tell she felt uncomfortable. So she has had a rough childhood a lot of trauma. Her parents marriage was abusive, they both abandoned her at a very young age and she was also in a 7 year marriage that ended two years ago. She told me it was very abusive on both ends so she said chaos is all she knows and is always in survival mode.  So not sure if her Dad and Brother fighting triggered her but she took it out on me. I said something that wasn't a big deal at all and she blew up on me telling me she was gonna hit me in the face, and that she sometimes felt she was better off being alone. Ive never seen that amount of rage from her and I decided  to walk away until she was ready to leave.

When we got back to her house she apologized and said she always does this. When something good comes into her life she always pushes it away that she doesn't deserve love so she self sabotages. I told her I was willing to be patient with her and she said you might not leave now but you will. She then cried in my arms and told me she loves me.

So the following week seemed okay but she then got fired from her job Wednesday which caused her a lot of stress but luckily she was able to get a new job just unfortunately couldn't start for a month so she was super stressed about money. Well I got there Friday and everything seemed okay we had sex cuddled and watched movies so thought things were going better. Saturday then came and at one point she said please drop any talks of moving down here its becoming so overwhelming and this relationship is triggering me. I apologized and said its just been hard bc just a little over a week ago we were on the same page about everything and now we are not. The main event was last Sunday night/ early Monday morning.

So I went to let the dogs out before we headed to bed and my phone was missing. I confronted her calmly and was like are you really going through my phone and she said yep and we are done. My heart was destroyed. I was in tears trying to figure out why. She told me saw messages I had sent to girls in the past saying the same things to them that I did to her. Now given these messages were from before I even knew who she was. I said that has nothing to do with our relationship judge me off my actions not my past and she told me Im not gonna be made a fool of I knew you were too good to me and said you are now single. I was crushed. I had done everything this girl to the point I was putting in a work transfer to be closer to her and for her to say nothing Ive done has been genuine was absolutely crushing. At this point I wanted to go home but she wouldnt let me because it was too late. She hid my keys so I couldn't. She then kept saying you want to hit me dont you and Im like why would I lay my hands on you. So eventually we went to bed and she cuddled up next to me. Cuddled Monday morning and then I said my goodbyes and she said we will talk later. She then called me to tell me she had tested positive for Mycoplasma Genetilium a very mild STI. She told me I needed to get tested and that she knew she was clean before me. I never cheated on her but was transparent that I have slept with girls in the past. I did research on it and it can stay in your system for months to years with zero symptoms so I honestly didn't know. She cried saying how could I be so irresponsible and her life has now hit rock bottom. I went ahead and took full accountability and paid for her prescription and told her I was truly sorry but I didn't know. Now I shouldn't take all the fault bc she did tell me she tested positive for an STD last year. So knowing my past why wouldn't she ask me to wear protection or get tested first. To me I feel like we are both at fault but I took 100% to blame.  She thanked me for the money and I said youre welcome that was the last time we spoke.

 

Now I noticed that she hid all our posts on Facebook right before the breakup. Well after the breakup she defriended me. Thursday night comes around I  am on my page and see all the posts are now backup. So since Im tagged in them they popped up on my feed.  She also made sure to edit them to take the pics of us off  yet she leaves me tagged? Seems weird idk and then yesterday she posted something about how she always overthinks things with a sad face. I really shouldn't be looking on her page just delaying my healing this has just been a brutal 5 days of NC. I mean she went from being my best friend to nothing with the flip of a switch and I am absolutely gutted. I was literally the best version of myself that Ive been in a relationship giving her complete love, affection, support. I never judged her I was literally her biggest fan. This is just really hard for me to wrap my head around to the point I am seeing a therapist today. 

[Cherylyn]

You need to dump her.  It's time to break up.  In the future,  be with a stable lady because it will make your relationship much smoother and easier. 

[Batya33]

How was a person you knew for 4 months long distance your best friend? She sounds unstable and is taking it out on you.  I'd stop contact with her.

[MissCanuck]

21 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I never judged her I was literally her biggest fan.

Because you didn't know her very well yet, clearly. 

She is abusive and has a boatload of problems. Stay far, far away from her and cut all ties. 

[yogacat]

She is not good for you mate.

You were there supporting her and showing her unconditional love, and she just bit your head off. Doesn't matter what her past is- this is about you. It hurts because she royally wronged you. Snap out of it, and work on yourself. What she did to you is hurtful, disrespectful, and malicious, and no amount of backstory can justify it.

She ditched what sounded like an amazing guy, and I'm sure you can find someone who will cherish you the way you should be.

Stay NC, delete her from your socials, and start your healing process. It'll be hard, but trust me, it gets easier as time goes by. Wishing you luck!

[MissCanuck]

On 6/30/2024 at 6:15 PM, Bern216 said:

she blew up on me telling me she was gonna hit me in the face

Oh, and next time? Don't turn around and tell such a person you are going to be patient with them. 

See it for the enormous red flag it is, and get out. Don't wait around and let the situation devolve into the mess it became. 

[MissCanuck]

On 6/30/2024 at 6:15 PM, Bern216 said:

When something good comes into her life she always pushes it away that she doesn't deserve love so she self sabotages

This all sounds like a lot of frilly words to say that she abuses the men in her life, and they rightly leave her. Then she cries and wonders why men abandon her. 

[Bern216]

So this breakup has been very difficult to the point I have been seeing a therapist trying to make sense of how she could turn things off like she did. He said she most likely suffers from PTSD and BPD. Stated that I needed to block all avenues of communication bc more than likely she will try to continue the cycle. Essentially saying to run like hell. Also to stop beating myself up and there was nothing I could do. It’s been 10 days NC and I want to reach out so bad which I know would be a horrible decision. 

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, Bern216 said:

So this breakup has been very difficult to the point I have been seeing a therapist trying to make sense of how she could turn things off like she did. He said she most likely suffers from PTSD and BPD. Stated that I needed to block all avenues of communication bc more than likely she will try to continue the cycle. Essentially saying to run like hell. Also to stop beating myself up and there was nothing I could do. It’s been 10 days NC and I want to reach out so bad which I know would be a horrible decision. 

So, have you blocked her? If not, make sure to block her.

As for resisting the urge to contact her, I suggest putting a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you feel the urge to reach out to her, pull the rubber band back and let it snap on your wrist.

This will release norepinephrine and cortisol, which will temporarily divert your attention from your thoughts and emotions. It will allow you to calm down and think rationally. Remember that there is no positive outcome from contacting her, you will only end up feeling worse.

If you get angry at yourself for feeling the urge, that's okay. The point is to take a moment to pause and think before acting on your impulses.

This will help break the immediate connection you feel with her and give you some time to regain control. You won't necessarily lose the bond, but you will lose the urge to act on it in that moment.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Bern216abuse is very familiar to her, her childhood was abusive, her previous relationships were abusive and now she's creating that same abusive dynamic with you.   

Which is why she virtually begged you to hit her and why she wanted to hit you!  It's familiar to her, it's how she's learned to deal with conflict and how to cope..

She admitted herself she feels more comfortable with chaos; going forward unless you're into chaos, high drama and abuse yourself, immediately distance  yourself from any woman who expresses such things to you.

You cant "save" her, get rid of that thinking.  Like yesterday!  Not gonna happen.   

Be thankful she exposed her true colors after only four months.  

Continue with therapy and wish you all the best moving forward.

[Andrina]

First off, please own up to your own mistakes so you can have better dating experiences in the future.

One mistake is not realizing the great psychology of words. A woman you knew 120 days has destroyed you? Really? 

That speaks of how you immersed yourself way too much into someone you barely knew and convinced yourself it was love when 4 months in it can never be more than infatuation. 

Another mistake is not seeing that someone who lugs around toxic emotional baggage is not dating material. You should've walked away the moment she began divulging that. Since she knows all that about herself, she's chosen to live that way forever since she hasn't sought treatment to get rid of the baggage. The worst thing is, she doesn't care enough about any guy to avoid bringing them along for her bumpy, abusive ride.

Even if she was a good partner, it wasn't smart to spend so much time, every weekend together when the relationship is so new, and especially since you made 100 percent of that effort. That's one of the cons of LDRs. Long periods of time apart and then too long together in one sitting with someone little more than an acquaintance. Gets to feel smothering. You also have to really gauge a person's true interest by letting them put in some effort themselves.

Another mistake: Making major plans like moving closer/ moving in with someone you haven't even known a year. Even if two people seem to be on the same page in the honeymoon stage, it's way too soon. Enjoy a normal pace in the future, and know that it often takes a good year to know all aspects of a person and how they will treat you after the honeymoon stage.

You found out sooner who you were dealing with, and yet you'd probably get back together with her in a heartbeat. That speaks to your own issues of a lack of self-worth. That's what you should be working on with your therapist. And don't date until you achieve self-love or you will probably keep attracting, and be attracted to, others similar to her. 

Take care.

[smackie9]

Sorry but intense love bombing people are mentally messed up people...she gave you the moon so you could be over the moon with her...it's a repeat persona. I'm sure she has done this before. My dear you need to leave your heart at the door and run for the fickin hills. It's not what you thought it was. She hid a lot from you from the start to lure you into an illusion. Let it be over....save yourself. 

[Bern216]

I appreciate all the advice. My therapist after my first session left me with this. I no longer even see patients with BPD and you’re over here wanting to be in a relationship with one. Let that sink in. 

[LootieTootie]

Oh Bern... I hope you listen to your Therapist and everyone here. 

4 months of love bombing is not love. Please be grateful that you got this experience to learn from it. It's important that when we put ourselves out there and someone comes along, we pace ourselves and don't get wrapped up in "soulmate" or "twin flame" BS. Once you get sunk in, coming out of it is very hard. Good luck on your recovery and healing journey.

[MissCanuck]

OP, how was life going for you when you met her?

Were you at a particularly lonely point? Not having much luck in love? I am wondering what sort of headspace you were operating from that you go this wrapped up in anyone this quickly. 

[Bern216]

Honestly not in the best headspace. I was feeling good about myself in the best shape of my life then I was diagnosed with Bell’s palsy thought I was having a stroke. So this really killed my self confidence. Then I met her online and she was so sweet and supportive. Never judged me for it and treated me like a king. Followed by lovebombing etc. This may be why I chose to avoid the red flags - abusive parents, abusive marriage, always in survival mode, quickly dismissing my feelings etc.  It was all there in front of me and I chose to ignore it. Luckily my Bell’s palsy is mostly healed now just now have to heal from this relationship. 

[Morello]

I've had an extremely similar experience about 5 years ago. It really destroyed me too, something in the way it happened (how quickly it went from awesome to crashing and burning), all the love bombing, etc.

I was at a low point in my life, so when it all began it felt like a dream. We almost became an inseparable couple in a couple of weeks, acting like bf and gf. Obviously, that was not genuine or sustainable, and it ended in a similar irrational and abrupt way. It quickly turned into a nightmare.

I can say that you might want to talk to a therapist about this experience because it most likely says a lot more about you than about her. Yes, she might be BPD, and all of that. But what made you fall for all of this? What made you become so involved so quickly while ignoring red flags? Was this more about your low self-esteem than the reality of this artificial love you were giving and receiving? Once you get to the bottom of that, you will be in a much better situation to date and find the right person for you.

Some of these 'extreme' experiences can be harder to overcome than breakups from longer relationships. Again, don't overestimate the impact of that in your life and look for professional help where possible. I could only fully heal from my experience after seeing a counsellor for a few months; I owe a lot to the professional help I've received. There might be some processing you haven't completed yet in terms of your life before this experience.

[Bern216]

Well she broke NC and now I just feel worse. She tested positive again for the STI but she was only on one week treatment and needed to be on two. She showed me the positive test so I sent her another round of money. 
 

Then I again told her I’m sorry and she said I’m sure you didn’t know. I said of course not and that I would’ve gone to war for her so of course I didn’t.

Then she stated it’s fine. I said it’s not fine bc I love you and I wish things didn’t end like this. 
 

She’s like well I’m sure you never got tested after being with 100s of women and that it makes her feel dirty. 
 

I stated I tested in November 2023 and it’s not 100s of women but I get it. I said I was always honest with you about my past which im not proud of. Then stating but I can’t change it. Then saying she’s far from being dirty. I just feel so dumb.
 

12 days of NC down the drain and now I feel worse. Like you slept with me so many times before but now I make you feel dirty? I feel like such a scum bag now bc of her.  

[Morello]

She had an STI herself before you… and calling you dirty now?

Sorry, but you’re being manipulated, which is not hard for her to do given your ideas that you’d “go to war” for a chick you met 4 months ago. Let me guess… she’s extremely attractive and the sex was really good?

she was already acting really off (and weird) with you becore any of that STI debacle started. She’s clearly very unstable and your falling for whatever BS she throws at you. Apologies if I’m being harsh, but I think you need to take all she says with a grain of salt. She’s making this all about you now and you’re falling for it. 

 

 

[Bern216]

Morello you make a very valid point. She’s acting as if I ended things. Pinning me as the bad guy. I need to stop allowing her to bring me down bc right now she’s winning and delaying my healing bc I’m enabling it. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Bern216 said:

She showed me the positive test so I sent her another round of money. 

Dude - why??

You have no clue where she picked up the infection from. You have no idea if she might have given something to you. She is also an adult that had every right to say "no" to unprotected sex and insist on a condom. 

Stop being such a simp. 

[poorlittlefish]

This girl was a hot mess; you just didn't see it at the start and it's only a few months in that someone's true nature starts appearing.  You can't save her and it won't get any better.  Unfortunately you'll just have to chalk this one up to experience and hopefully you've learnt a few things along the way about what not to do so quickly into a new relationshp. 

I don't know why people keep messages from exes on their phones.  As soon as a relationship is 100% over for me, they are 100% gone.  It was obviously wrong of her to go through your phone, but if you no longer have those women in your life, why keep remnants of them?

[Bern216]

You guys are all right. I woke up this morning once again beating myself up and quickly realized that she is being toxic and manipulative. Feeling like that is exactly what she wants. It’s made me realize that isn’t the kind of person I want to be with. Our 10 min conversation yesterday completely drained me more so than my 2 hour workout. Im understanding the toll my mental health will take from her if I don’t walk away
 

As for the messages they weren’t even from exes just girls that I had talked to for a week or two and realized there was no connection. Just honestly forgot they were in my phone. 

[yogacat]

16 hours ago, Bern216 said:

Well she broke NC and now I just feel worse.

She didn't break no contact, you did!  She didn't force you to respond.  

Take it as a moment of weakness, it happens, it's a hard time right now. It's not "down the drain" because you had a lapse in judgement and fell back into talking to her. You're only human.

While I understand why you wrote this post, I think you need to dig into some bigger issues right now. You need to discover why this good time you shared with someone became so damaging to you in the end.  

But seriously, forget about her for a moment, this is about you, this downward spiral you've been experiencing recently.

She is trying to make you feel bad about your past that’s why she threw it back in your face about the number of women you have slept with. You were honest with her about your past and she made the choice to be with you. To make you feel bad about your past when you were transparent with her all along.

She is doing everything she can to make you feel guilty and responsible - so she can feel like a victim.

Stop falling for it.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

She didn't break no contact, you did! She didn't force you to respond.  

This^ is a really excellent point!  She attempted to break NC but you were the one who actually did by responding.  

Stop blaming her.

Which also includes her request for money.  No one forced you to respond and no one forced you to send $$$ to her

What are you doing man, why isn't she BLOCKED?

At this point, it's all on you. Start taking some responsibility for your own choices. 

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Stop being such a simp. 

Well said. 

@Bern216, please block her now. 

Find the strength. 

Take care of YOU.