Fearful Avoidant Destroyed Me - 37M 33F

[Bern216]

I will try and keep this as short as possible. I was in a fantastic 4 month relationship. Had tons in common, did a lot of fun things together, we wanted the same things in life, she told me she loved me like she's never loved anybody else and we started to make plans to move in together at the end of the year because we were in a long distance relationship. I met her family and in July she was going to meet mine. Well we had an amazing vacation together and a few days later things changed drastically.

I always drove down to spend the weekend with her after the work week and could immediately tell something was off. This was June 14th. She wasn't excited to see me, no affection, turned down my advances for intimacy. I knew something was up but kept it to myself. The rest of the weekend was not bad. Saturday we went to a festival and she was like have you ever been to something like this before and I haven't. She was like this will be the first of many firsts for you with me. So thought okay maybe she was having an off day yesterday. Then fathers day came. I could immediately again tell something was up. Her Dad and Brother were arguing and I could tell she felt uncomfortable. So she has had a rough childhood a lot of trauma. Her parents marriage was abusive, they both abandoned her at a very young age and she was also in a 7 year marriage that ended two years ago. She told me it was very abusive on both ends so she said chaos is all she knows and is always in survival mode.  So not sure if her Dad and Brother fighting triggered her but she took it out on me. I said something that wasn't a big deal at all and she blew up on me telling me she was gonna hit me in the face, and that she sometimes felt she was better off being alone. Ive never seen that amount of rage from her and I decided  to walk away until she was ready to leave.

When we got back to her house she apologized and said she always does this. When something good comes into her life she always pushes it away that she doesn't deserve love so she self sabotages. I told her I was willing to be patient with her and she said you might not leave now but you will. She then cried in my arms and told me she loves me.

So the following week seemed okay but she then got fired from her job Wednesday which caused her a lot of stress but luckily she was able to get a new job just unfortunately couldn't start for a month so she was super stressed about money. Well I got there Friday and everything seemed okay we had sex cuddled and watched movies so thought things were going better. Saturday then came and at one point she said please drop any talks of moving down here its becoming so overwhelming and this relationship is triggering me. I apologized and said its just been hard bc just a little over a week ago we were on the same page about everything and now we are not. The main event was last Sunday night/ early Monday morning.

So I went to let the dogs out before we headed to bed and my phone was missing. I confronted her calmly and was like are you really going through my phone and she said yep and we are done. My heart was destroyed. I was in tears trying to figure out why. She told me saw messages I had sent to girls in the past saying the same things to them that I did to her. Now given these messages were from before I even knew who she was. I said that has nothing to do with our relationship judge me off my actions not my past and she told me Im not gonna be made a fool of I knew you were too good to me and said you are now single. I was crushed. I had done everything this girl to the point I was putting in a work transfer to be closer to her and for her to say nothing Ive done has been genuine was absolutely crushing. At this point I wanted to go home but she wouldnt let me because it was too late. She hid my keys so I couldn't. She then kept saying you want to hit me dont you and Im like why would I lay my hands on you. So eventually we went to bed and she cuddled up next to me. Cuddled Monday morning and then I said my goodbyes and she said we will talk later. She then called me to tell me she had tested positive for Mycoplasma Genetilium a very mild STI. She told me I needed to get tested and that she knew she was clean before me. I never cheated on her but was transparent that I have slept with girls in the past. I did research on it and it can stay in your system for months to years with zero symptoms so I honestly didn't know. She cried saying how could I be so irresponsible and her life has now hit rock bottom. I went ahead and took full accountability and paid for her prescription and told her I was truly sorry but I didn't know. Now I shouldn't take all the fault bc she did tell me she tested positive for an STD last year. So knowing my past why wouldn't she ask me to wear protection or get tested first. To me I feel like we are both at fault but I took 100% to blame.  She thanked me for the money and I said youre welcome that was the last time we spoke.

 

Now I noticed that she hid all our posts on Facebook right before the breakup. Well after the breakup she defriended me. Thursday night comes around I  am on my page and see all the posts are now backup. So since Im tagged in them they popped up on my feed.  She also made sure to edit them to take the pics of us off  yet she leaves me tagged? Seems weird idk and then yesterday she posted something about how she always overthinks things with a sad face. I really shouldn't be looking on her page just delaying my healing this has just been a brutal 5 days of NC. I mean she went from being my best friend to nothing with the flip of a switch and I am absolutely gutted. I was literally the best version of myself that Ive been in a relationship giving her complete love, affection, support. I never judged her I was literally her biggest fan. This is just really hard for me to wrap my head around to the point I am seeing a therapist today. 

[Cherylyn]

You need to dump her.  It's time to break up.  In the future,  be with a stable lady because it will make your relationship much smoother and easier. 

[Batya33]

How was a person you knew for 4 months long distance your best friend? She sounds unstable and is taking it out on you.  I'd stop contact with her.

[MissCanuck]

21 hours ago, Bern216 said:

I never judged her I was literally her biggest fan.

Because you didn't know her very well yet, clearly. 

She is abusive and has a boatload of problems. Stay far, far away from her and cut all ties. 

[yogacat]

She is not good for you mate.

You were there supporting her and showing her unconditional love, and she just bit your head off. Doesn't matter what her past is- this is about you. It hurts because she royally wronged you. Snap out of it, and work on yourself. What she did to you is hurtful, disrespectful, and malicious, and no amount of backstory can justify it.

She ditched what sounded like an amazing guy, and I'm sure you can find someone who will cherish you the way you should be.

Stay NC, delete her from your socials, and start your healing process. It'll be hard, but trust me, it gets easier as time goes by. Wishing you luck!

[MissCanuck]

On 6/30/2024 at 6:15 PM, Bern216 said:

she blew up on me telling me she was gonna hit me in the face

Oh, and next time? Don't turn around and tell such a person you are going to be patient with them. 

See it for the enormous red flag it is, and get out. Don't wait around and let the situation devolve into the mess it became. 

[MissCanuck]

On 6/30/2024 at 6:15 PM, Bern216 said:

When something good comes into her life she always pushes it away that she doesn't deserve love so she self sabotages

This all sounds like a lot of frilly words to say that she abuses the men in her life, and they rightly leave her. Then she cries and wonders why men abandon her.