My boyfriend called me a dead fish as a “joke.” What should I do?

[Spencerhastings0907]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years. Our sex life wasn’t too bad for the first 2 years. We would do it 3-4 times a week and sometimes even twice a day. Then about 3 years into the relationship our sex life fizzled out. I actively tried pursuing fun time with him and he rejected me for a number of reasons. The frequency of our sex life was maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. Now, it’s at least once every 3 or 4 weeks.

I’m overweight, been SA’ed, have severe ptsd, and am insecure about myself in bed and out. When we do do it, it’s almost always missionary. I don’t like being on top because I’m embarrassed of myself being too heavy or gross looking or not being good performance wise. Doggy makes me bleed like crazy (I’ve been to the gyno about it and don’t know what the problem is) and that only started a few years ago. Regardless of all that, I still actively try to pursue him and he rebuffs me more often than not. And when we actually do, I feel essentially like a “*** toy.” I can’t explain it better but he only has sex with me for his own “completion.” We never do foreplay, he just jumps right into it. And when we do, he literally lays his entire body weight on me and holds the top of my head or shoulders while he digs his elbows into my chest to move in and out of me. It’s really weird and uncomfortable. I NEVER enjoy it and I try to do other things but he finishes in less than 5 minutes anyway.

Anyway, moving on to last night. I was quoting this song that’s trending where it goes “is somebody gonna match my freak?” And I said it kind of messing with him but said it’s just because of the rarity of us ever having sex anymore. Then IMMEDIATELY he goes “you’re one to talk. I’m not the one lying there like a dead fish.” He then proceeds to mock him by stiffly shaking around on the bed moaning and laughing. I didn’t know really what to say but it hurt bad. I went to the bathroom and lost it. 

Finally I built up the courage to go to him and tell him how bad that hurt me. He said he was only joking, but I said that joke genuinely hurt I didn’t think it was funny at all. Just for a quick background, my boyfriend NEVER shows me he loves me in any way. He constantly “jokes” with me by telling me I stink, always nitpicks all the small things I do, and never says anything sweet to me. Not even a “hey you look beautiful today.” So I brought this up to him when confronting him and he completely ignores me.

I ask him to say something and all he says is “I don’t know what you want me to say.” I said you could reassure me I’m not a dead ***ing fish for one and then he just bursts out laughing at me as I’m dead serious bawling my eyes out to him. I get mad and say it’s not ***ing funny and he gets serious and tells me not to talk to him. HE got mad at ME for being mad at HIM for insulting me.

I literally said nothing else and stared at the wall until he finally says “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.” He doesn’t hug or kiss me or reassure me he doesn’t feel that way. Just that. So I go to bed without saying a word. The next morning he wakes up like nothing ever happened. As if it didn’t matter.

I’m so insanely hurt by this. It’s one of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me. And I’m just not sure what to do. I still want to talk to him about it, but this just feels like the last straw for me. I want to tell him I want more reassurance and no more insults like that, joking or not or he’s going to lose me. But I’m afraid he’s going to turn it around like I’m the bad guy yet again and get mad at me and we’re going to in circles. I don’t want to lose him but I’m fed up with not being treated right in bed or out. I don’t know how to go about talking to him or what exactly to say.

Please no judgements or insults, I might be in the wrong but it doesn’t feel like it. I just really need advice.

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry it is long passed time to break up. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm sorry you were sexually assaulted, have you received therapy for that?  And your PTSD?

If not, please do.  I think it's all related -  the fact you've allowed yourself to become overweight and your low self esteem generally which impacts how you respond sexually.

Of course the way your boyfriend treats you doesn't help with any of that and would strongly suggest you consider ending the relationship.

Get into therapy.  Adopt a physical fitness and eating regimen to get healthy and fit.  

Start there.  It will help you physically, mentally, emotionally and perhaps even spiritually if you believe in that. 

I do and I was also sexually assaulted years ago.   I am way past it now thanks to everything I mentioned.

In other words, take care of YOU.  You're all you've got and life's too short for anything else. 

Wishing you all the best. 💛

 

[Cherylyn]

He should become your ex-boyfriend.  He's not good.

[yogacat]

Your boyfriend's behavior towards you is not only hurtful, but it is also disrespectful and potentially abusive.

He consistently invalidates your feelings, belittles you, and puts you down. If you're already suffering with weight and self-esteem issues, this toxic dynamic is only making things worse for you.

It's clear that he has no regard for your sexual needs and desires, as he only seems interested in his own satisfaction.  The thing about relationships and sex is that both parties should be equally invested in the other's pleasure and satisfaction. It's not just about one person getting what they want and disregarding the other's needs.

He calls you a dead fish sexually? That's rich considering his performance sounds pretty selfish and lackluster. And then to mock your feelings and dismiss them as a joke? That's manipulative and dismissive behavior.

[rainbowsandroses]

OP I don't disagree with @yogacatand @Cherylyn, they're right but I suspect you know all this already, you spelled it all out in your OP.

Trashing HIM isn't going to help you unless you need validation that he is in fact NOT a good guy or the right guy for you. 

And if that's the case, you got it!  He's not a good guy and causing you to feel worse about yourself than perhaps you did before you even met him.

What I think will help you more at this point is some introspection into why you have chosen to remain with this person. 

On your own and with the help of a qualified professional who can also help you manage your PTSD

As I said, I do think it's all related. 

JMO, been there. 

[yogacat]

I don't see her trashing him. She is a bit blind to her self-worth and doesn't think she can find someone better.  

So you stay and make excuses to justify it in your head.

What's more accurate is that you were likely conditioned to believe you're not deserving of being treated decently. It's not uncommon for someone who's been SA'd to have their self worth destroyed and the SA may not have been the only reason for this.

OP, you're not a dead fish. I'm sorry you are suffering from/enduring your ptsd. PTSD can push people to hunt out ways to numb their feelings. Being in a fked up, confusing, non supportive relationship is a great way to stay in numb state. It keeps you from feeling a lot of feels.

After reading your post, you need to dig deep and put the breaks on the BF because some of the things that have happened to you have ruined your quality of life. For starters I advise a visit to an abuse counter website then run fast in the opposite direction.  

[Seraphim]

As someone who was sexually assaulted in childhood and as an adult and have PTSD I second therapy it helped me immensely especially EMDR. 
 

What you are experiencing within yourself is completely normal after being assaulted. It doesn’t mean it is a permanent state though. However , this man won’t aid in your recovery or form a good relationship. It is time to leave him behind . 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, Spencerhastings0907 said:

He said he was only joking

Yea. You do know that him saying "I'm joking" is a manipulative tactic. When he says so, he allows himself to dismiss your feelings and not take any accountability. And you suck it up. He knows you would.

But underneath it all, he disrespects you. He has no empathy for you.

Why are you staying with him?

[Andrina]

I'm sure you must know that your self-love/self-worth has been and still is severely lacking. It's why he chose you, because bullies tend toward who they see as weak prey. And people with low self-worth accept toxicity because subconsciously they believe that's what little they deserve.

Fortunately, in coming from a low place in life, there's always a chance of moving in the opposite direction. Make your goal sky-high for changing your life.

In your shoes, I'd break up. Find a good therapist I connect well with. Stay alone until I achieve self-love and have researched what a healthy romance looks like.

We all know you deserve better. Now keep telling yourself the same until you believe it. You can do this!

[Spencerhastings0907]

I’m not sure why I’m still with him. I know I love him, but I think I’m afraid of being alone and not good with change. Which I understand and acknowledge I need to get over if I ever expect to be happy. But part of me also wishes he’d change. Unfortunately, this is a recurring issue and I know when I address the problem again, it will be turned around on me. He’ll say things like “you just want to start an argument for no reason,” or “what about what you say and do.” These are things he CONSTANTLY does. We just go in circles. I’m so tired from it all at this point.

I do need therapy and to better myself mentally and physically as well. I was going to therapy for a while, but had issues with my therapist and it discouraged me from pursuing it any further. But my mental health is getting out of hand.

i appreciate all the words and advice, it means so much to me to be validated for something he minimized as a harmless joke. 

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Spencerhastings0907 said:

I’m not sure why I’m still with him. I know I love him, but I think I’m afraid of being alone and not good with change. Which I understand and acknowledge I need to get over if I ever expect to be happy. But part of me also wishes he’d change. Unfortunately, this is a recurring issue and I know when I address the problem again, it will be turned around on me. He’ll say things like “you just want to start an argument for no reason,” or “what about what you say and do.” These are things he CONSTANTLY does. We just go in circles. I’m so tired from it all at this point.

I do need therapy and to better myself mentally and physically as well. I was going to therapy for a while, but had issues with my therapist and it discouraged me from pursuing it any further. But my mental health is getting out of hand.

i appreciate all the words and advice, it means so much to me to be validated for something he minimized as a harmless joke. 

Common sense -don't be with someone -close friends or partner -if you're "not sure" why you hang around in the face of such awful treatment and disrespect.  It's also not fair to cling to someone out of "fear of being alone." I mean with this person who acts like a jerk I'm not worried about him getting his feelings hurt so much but in general it's not nice to use people.

Of course what he did was jerky and rude! Please do get the help you need in the form that works best for you.  Take care.

[yogacat]

Being alone, gee. Never knew it was so scary for some people.

I mean the sex alone makes me cringe, how is that remotely enjoyable for you? I can't wrap my head around having sex with someone where I feel that uncomfortable and/or who would appreciate having his own personal *** toy. 

That's exactly the position you've allowed yourself to be in for the past six years. At this point, you value this current relationship and your security in it more than your own happiness and well-being.

As for therapy, please consider giving it another try. It's difficult to find the right therapist, but it's worth the effort to find someone who can support and guide you in improving your mental health.

[smackie9]

When they don't lift you up when you are down...it's time to breakup.

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

When they don't lift you up when you are down...it's time to breakup.

So simple. But so very true.👍 

[AndyPandy]

On 6/30/2024 at 3:33 PM, Spencerhastings0907 said:

Finally I built up the courage to go to him and tell him how bad that hurt me. He said he was only joking, but I said that joke genuinely hurt I didn’t think it was funny at all.

He wasn't joking, obviously and no, it's not funny at all. This is classic behaviour for emotional abusers to put down someone else and then quickly package the abuse within the gaslighting claim that it was only a joke. Which of course is a complete lie. I've encountered this behaviour repeatedly and it's despicable, manipulative and cowardly.

On 6/30/2024 at 3:33 PM, Spencerhastings0907 said:

Just for a quick background, my boyfriend NEVER shows me he loves me in any way. He constantly “jokes” with me by telling me I stink, always nitpicks all the small things I do, and never says anything sweet to me.

This man doesn't like you at all. He wouldn't treat you this way if he did. What's even worse is that instead of walking away, he chooses instead to remain with you because it provides him with an opportunity to abuse another human being and that's truly sick.

No matter how badly you feel about yourself, I guarantee that you can do better than this man. There is someone out there who will show you love, affection and kindness but you'll never meet them if you stay with him.

On 7/1/2024 at 2:04 AM, yogacat said:

Being alone, gee. Never knew it was so scary for some people.

A terrifying prospect for many.

On 7/1/2024 at 2:04 AM, yogacat said:

As for therapy, please consider giving it another try. It's difficult to find the right therapist, but it's worth the effort to find someone who can support and guide you in improving your mental health.

Agreed. Years ago I had the misfortune of receiving a dreadful therapist but recently I had sessions with one who nearly made me cry (tears of joy!) due to the level of support and kind words that they imparted and I feel in a much better place as a result.

[TeeDee]

On 6/30/2024 at 10:33 AM, Spencerhastings0907 said:

 I don’t want to lose him but I’m fed up with not being treated right in bed or out.

Why don't you want to lose a guy who taunts you & doesn't act lovingly toward you?  

I get it.  You have issues:  PTSD, body image issues, self esteem issues etc.  But did you ever stop to think that all the rejection & flack you get from him exacerbates those problems?   Yes, you will be alone if you break up but alone is better than this.   Change can be good even if it's scary.  

Exercise is a great mood elevator.  You don't have to become a gym rat or a size 0 model.  Just talk a walk.  Get some sun on your face.  

When you stop giving him power to hurt you & remove his negativity from your life, I bet your situation improves. 

Do try therapy again.  Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one.  I went through 4 this year before I found a good one for me.  The others weren't bad but we just didn't click.  

Good luck!