Why am I not important to him and why?

[kimmi1234]

I have been in a relationship for 2 years and we have a baby together. There have been many red flags and in all honesty I don't know why I'm still around or why I put up with it because I know myself it isn't right but for what ever reason I feel like I need this man.

A lot of very negative things have happened in my life lately and I already suffered with my mental health prior to this. Yesterday was a bad day for me. I feel so low and hopless that I considered taking my own life. I live with my partner but he chose to leave me in this state with our baby and he left to stay at his mums. I battled my demons hard through the night and instead of being stupid I have decided to seek help on Monday because I scare myself with how much I have given up any hope.

Now my question is this. Why did he leave me alone in such a state? I have nobody else I could turn to. He left me around 12pm by 1pm I begged him not to leave me alone feeling this way but his reply was that he had drove past my house and picked up someone else and he was spending the day with them and they were both sleeping at his mums so if I shut my mouth he would come home the day after. Tomorrow could have been too late and he had no remorse for my feelings and the fact he planned this knowing I was giving up hope. I asked him if he could have our baby to give me that break and he also refused.

I want to know how and why he could do this and not to be there for me and today I don't know what to do. I feel like telling him its over but for what ever strange reason I feel like I need him and don't want him to go but I shouldn't be avaliable once he's finished what he was doing. He wakes up early and he still hasn't messaged me yet and I know he will be up. He doesn't know if I'm dead or alive 😞

I am so lost and I don't know what I can do to get my life back on track because at the minute I don't feel like I have much of a life. I have lost everything because of this man and in my time of need he was no where to be seen.

Any advice on why I feel like this and what I can do please?

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, kimmi1234 said:

I want to know how and why he could do this

We can't answer that, but I suspect you already know the answer. He doesn't want to be there when you are struggling. I don't know the backstory between you two but it doesn't seem he really wants the relationship anymore. 

23 minutes ago, kimmi1234 said:

There have been many red flags and in all honesty I don't know why I'm still around or why I put up with it because I know myself it isn't right

Then forget trying to figure out why he's waving even more red flags. Focus on figuring out why you have chosen this for yourself.  

[yogacat]

I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. 

Even IF he fell out of love with you and is checking out of the relationship, which sounds to be the case here, leaving you alone in that state is cowardly, it's cruel, and it's irresponsible. You have every right to be livid, hurt, and disappointed. Everyone would be.

Why you're single-handedly raising a child with someone like this is beyond me. Genuinely. It's not healthy, you know it, and yet you continue to stay with him. This guy is not the love of your life, he is toxic and should not be in your life anymore. Your child should be your priority now, anyway. Which means you need to get yourself together so you can be there fully for them.

You're clinging onto him because your confidence/reliance in yourself is so low. The story of him coming back would be just 'it' to help save your life (for you). But please know him coming back will only temporarily fix all this.

It's a knee-jerk emotional reaction to push back the sad person you don't like and bringing back a happy person that you do like. He only reinforces the negative pictures of yourself inside of you. You've got suppressed emotions inside of you from a lifetime, now you've chosen someone who is acting to show you those same images and you're creating an environment to bring them up so you can deal with them.

I also have a terrible feeling that him picking someone else up and staying at his Mum's house might be because he hooked up with someone else in the night and gave him that excuse as a reason why. 

At this rate, if I were you, I would look into therapy and try to find my strength within myself. Start thinking about why you stayed with him for so long and what you want to do with your life. Do what is best for YOU and your child.  Get yourself together so you're no longer dependent on someone who leaves you to suffer alone.

That said, you can't expect a partner to rescue you from parts of your life you don't want anymore. A partner isn't a therapist.  You have to be able to give yourself the love that you crave for. 

Look into therapy, find better people to love around you, try to get your head straight, and hope this helps and guides you. 

[smackie9]

You sound really depressed which can happen after having a baby/ raising a little one ....and depressed people can't see beyond themselves, with the state they are in mentally. He's very overwhelmed, and worn down mentally and yes some people are not made to cope with situations like that. When it gets to that point, they escape because they too are not strong enough mentally. You only have given a brief look as to what's happening...obviously there is a history here. The only real advice we can give you is to seek out professional help. Focus on getting better on your own, and forget about him....be strong and go forward, take care of your child. Talk to family and see if they can take you in, help with the child while you get therapy.

[Cherylyn]

He doesn't know how to handle you.  A lot of men don't know how to handle emotions,  be the morally supportive type or they burnout from endless compassion.  It's easier to leave than deal with you during your moments of either whining and / or despair. 

Other than consulting a psychologist,   you might want to try changing the way you think.  Every single time you start thinking negatively or think depressive thoughts,  try having feelings of gratitude.  Be grateful for anything good in your life such as health,  your baby or anything you can think of.

If your boyfriend is habitually cold and unfeeling,  then perhaps he's not for you long term.  Sometimes co-parenting is all there is if you're unsatisfied with how he consistently treats you.  I can understand some people who experience compassion fatigue but at the same time it helps to have a kind listener even if he can't help you. 

Also,  keep in mind that the father of your child shouldn't be your whole world.  You need other outlets whether it's work,  great friends to share camaraderie with,  perhaps a mothers group with or without children during social settings,  hobbies,  taking care of your health and self care whether it's a hair salon, manicure / pedicure or whatever.  You need to focus on you instead of expecting your boyfriend to provide happiness for you.  He's not the end all.  When you have other facets of your life going on,  you'll complain less,  exude self confidence,  become secure and make yourself more attractive.