Thoughts on the situation I suppose

[Honeybeans]

Hi, I’ll start off with saying thank you for reading and thank you further if you replied to this thread.

Context: I have a long distance boyfriend. We have very busy schedules and don’t get to see each other often so this is the second time he came to visit me in my state. We’ve been dating for over a year and I’ve gone to see him plenty of times. He has severe anxiety and get anxious with even being around my roommates so I allow him to stay in my room and go out of it when he feels comfortable.

situation: he left today and my friend hours later told me that the next time he visits he needs to greet them or else he’ll be banned from the house. I’m not sure if this was a joke but I took it seriously. She says that the third visit of not being greeted is basically unacceptable. She also explained that everyone was sort of gossiping about him not being seen while he visited and theorized when or if he showers or even goes to the bathroom ever.

my thoughts: I was uncomfortable about her comments and gossips because me and him don’t even talk about any of my roommates and their boyfriends like that and the first time he visited my state they said hi he responded back. This time when he first came into the house he greeted them not a big greeting but a simple hi and he also told me another instance she was saying bye to her boyfriend I believe and he said hi to her she didn’t hear at first and later said hi feeling uncomfortable from no initial response he didn’t say hi to her hi which seems like just bad timing.

after thoughts: she had issues with our other roommate not greeting her 3 months ago and said at least “insert name” (my boyfriend) says hi back. But this time says if the third time he comes he doesn’t greet anyone he won’t be allowed back that seems strange that she doesn’t remember that. She also out right says she doesn’t like him but she never said this in the past and they haven’t had enough interactions in my opinion to really say I don’t like this person. The last time it was the other roommates boyfriend she didn’t like because of the not greeting or acknowledgment I guess. I even told her previously he has anxiety and just is not comfortable around them. It just makes me uncomfortable.

I’m not good with confrontation especially with people I’ve known for years I kind of want reassurance that it’s not weird to feel uncomfortable about this. I also told my boyfriend about this too and since he’s uncomfortable with them already it probably made him more uncomfortable and probably insecure cause that’s how he is but I did reassure him so he doesn’t feel down.

[Kwothe28]

I think your roommate overreacts and that its over the board to just straight up ban your boyfriend. You are not in jail and have a right to bring somebody as much as they do.

However, I also believe that your boyfriend is rude. Anxiety or not, its basic courtesy to greet somebody. Otherwise, yes, they will interpret it as "rude". With that and jealousy issues over clothes, I would rather wonder about the quality of the man you call boyfriend as well.

[MissCanuck]

I can see why all of you are uncomfotable, for different reasons. 

Is your boyfriend getting any help for his severe anxiety? It is going to be difficult to sustain a relationship with someone who hides from the world. 

[Batya33]

Does your boyfriend have a job where he has to greet people or respond to greeting people? Where he has to have basic manners and cilvility? Does he ever shop for food or go to a restaurant to pick up food where he says please and thank you to the hard working strangers who are serving him?

Yes if he is staying in someone's home he does have to behave in a polite and respectful way.  Can he stay in a hotel -can the two of you do that? Then he doesn't have to greet anyone who is in the room.

I've had to be around people like him in a home situation and it's really uncomfortable and uncalled for.  Sure if someone is very ill, if someone just had an awful experience but yes even with his mental health issues if he chooses to be in someone's home then it's their house their rules. Obviously with roommates the rules often have to be agreed on collectively but your roommate is asking for basic manners.

Why do you choose to be involved in a relationship where you see each other so rarely?

[Cherylyn]

Have a talk with your boyfriend and request that he practice good manners with a simple,  pleasant greeting.  He does not need to engage in any lengthy conversations but at least be nice.  Or, meet elsewhere to avoid this conflict altogether with your roommate. 

[Honeybeans]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Have a talk with your boyfriend and request that he practice good manners with a simple,  pleasant greeting.  He does not need to engage in any lengthy conversations but at least be nice.  Or, meet elsewhere to avoid this conflict altogether with your roommate. 

I have had talks with him and encourage him to say hi on the phone and when he’s here. He’s very bad at speaking to people he’s uncomfortable with. Since I’m way more talkative I help in these situations I just mostly thought it was off considering what I often do whether he’s on the phone or is in person tell him straight up say hi so he doesn’t feel like he has to start the conversation. He even thought up until now they had no problems and was cordial with them.

[Honeybeans]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Does your boyfriend have a job where he has to greet people or respond to greeting people? Where he has to have basic manners and cilvility? Does he ever shop for food or go to a restaurant to pick up food where he says please and thank you to the hard working strangers who are serving him?

Yes if he is staying in someone's home he does have to behave in a polite and respectful way.  Can he stay in a hotel -can the two of you do that? Then he doesn't have to greet anyone who is in the room.

I've had to be around people like him in a home situation and it's really uncomfortable and uncalled for.  Sure if someone is very ill, if someone just had an awful experience but yes even with his mental health issues if he chooses to be in someone's home then it's their house their rules. Obviously with roommates the rules often have to be agreed on collectively but your roommate is asking for basic manners.

Why do you choose to be involved in a relationship where you see each other so rarely?

We don’t have any issues being in a ldr I prefer going to him anyway. The thing is he never really was in a room with them and the one time he was he tried to say hi. Also when we first came in I even made sure everyone says hi to each other I’m much more outgoing and usually accommodate so the people around me aren’t uncomfortable. I told him that it best that I visit him like I always do so it’s not a problem for anyone. I’ve come to realize the only reason why he comes over to my state even though I would rather go to his is because at one point the people around me pressured me saying he needs to come to my state. But I do agree he needs to work on his greetings more and manners because it’s respectful and good practice. But I also think my roommates should respect my privacy if they had their boyfriends over too and everyone was doing their own thing I don’t think gossiping about not seeing my boyfriend often was a nice thing. 
And to answer your last question I have a very busy schedule and prefer the situation where I don’t have to see my boyfriend every day I do miss him at times but it also gives me full reign to focus on my work and school.

[Honeybeans]

21 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think your roommate overreacts and that its over the board to just straight up ban your boyfriend. You are not in jail and have a right to bring somebody as much as they do.

However, I also believe that your boyfriend is rude. Anxiety or not, its basic courtesy to greet somebody. Otherwise, yes, they will interpret it as "rude". With that and jealousy issues over clothes, I would rather wonder about the quality of the man you call boyfriend as well.

I whole heartedly agree. I honestly forgot about the clothes issue we talked about it a long while ago when I posted that and he agreed he was out of line and has so far hasn’t had a problem with anything I wear and often helps me pick outfits. He definitely had some insecurities which stemmed from previous relationships and I pointed that out we ended up fixing that situation luckily. But back on topic I try to make sure that no one has problems with each other so I’m sure when we first entered the house I made sure he said hi to everyone. And I vividly remember he said hi the previous time he visited me. We both stay in our own world and they had their own boyfriends over so there wasn’t really situations where everyone was hanging out so I talked to him and said I’ll just visit him or he just gets a hotel. It works out a bit since I prefer visiting him than him coming to me.

[Honeybeans]

21 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I can see why all of you are uncomfotable, for different reasons. 

Is your boyfriend getting any help for his severe anxiety? It is going to be difficult to sustain a relationship with someone who hides from the world. 

He’s had to deal with this for years and has been trying to get help. I also help him by initiating conversations with other people so he doesn’t have issues with that. It’s why I was caught off guard by my roommates comment since I’m sure I help in those situations so he was able to greet them. But being someone who can’t tell if people are serious or just joking I wonder if I’m just overthinking since a similar situation happens with our other roommates boyfriend and her. I also know that this time and last time he visited he greeted them upon entering the house.

[Honeybeans]

1 hour ago, Vapecoin said:

It's just another classic example of "I'm a normie and will find any excuse I need to justify to myself too be insufferable". I can switch from not caring to breaking beer bottles to make shanks like a light switch. I had to be that way to make any progress with my awful parents and really, they were just a tutorial level. Because that will happen often in life.

You can pretend like it was a joke and maybe it is half joking and they just wanna talk *** but wouldn't actually raise conflict beyond smarmy rumors behind his back. But if it were my boyfriend, I'd wait to see what happens and go off on them if they did live up to their threats because that's your place too and he makes you happy. So basically what they're saying is, is that they don't care about your happiness nor do they care about your opinion on the place you help pay for. Which is exactly what I delt with with my parents when I paid for the roof, I do all the mundane chores, I have to hear their lies, and when I went off on mom, my girlfriend at the time got the blame for it. The only reason I didn't put my foot down was 1: I found it comedic that mom was placing the blame on her so she didn't have to blame herself. Yes, my girlfriend groomed me into smacking her, leaving for three months, and saying I don't ever want to see any of you again. Yep. That was totally her. She wrote me a script and everything lol. 2: My girlfriend at the time I knew wasn't the best. She was just a coomer and kinda stupid. I don't think she's a terrible person, but she's not a particularly good one either. She's basic. 3: She's the one who insisted I come back. She along with other family, everyone just wanted things back to normal SO BAD. Well you all got your wish. You appeased the horrible woman who speaks nothing but badly about all of you. Oh but I'm unstable, I'm autistic. It's all a giant gag and I refused to be the punchline so my girlfriend now ex became it. Ironically I think it had a lot to do with why we broke up because we couldn't have sex on the regular and like I said, she was a coomer. 

It'll never be good enough for them. This is just hearsay. They'll just find something else to complain about if not that. That's what those types of people do when they don't like something and they don't even know why they don't like it because they're not smart people either. All you need to worry about is how this guy makes your life better. Which he does. They don't.

I understand what you’re saying. He’s helped me get through some low points I tend to have and I try to help him work through his anxiety so he one day no longer gets panic attacks when he’s in large groups if that’s ever possible.

i wondered if it was a joke because I don’t always understand when people are joking or not. But also telling me straight that everyone had conspiracy theories for example if he pees in a cup in my room cause they didn’t see him very often was not very cool.

if the rule was greeting the people in the house when they’re in the same room or first entering i know he has done that she even once praised him for it cause she made a comment that our other roommates boyfriend couldn’t do it at first. He thought they had a very nice and cordial relationship I also thought the same but I appear to be wrong. But at the same time since I don’t know if was meant to be a joke comments like those tend to make me overthink.

i do think it’s interesting though because they didn’t see me probably the same amount they saw him, we just chilled in my room or went out so it just caught me off guard when she said that to me. After that conversation I talked to my boyfriend and even staring thinking and know he has greeted them on several occasions. Besides we slept most of the time cause we needed it.

i also forgot to mention he was sick during his stay with me I had to care for him since his stomach hurt constantly and couldn’t hold down food well. So another reason he didn’t leave the room.

[Honeybeans]

I’m not sure if people will read this reply but after reading everyone’s advice I came up with a few conclusions 

1. I will visit him in his state more because I prefer that way no conflicts occur anyway or have him book a hotel.

2. I might later have to ask why my roommate made that comment since I do know they’ve greeted each other of several occasions

3. Help my boyfriend even more build a stronger resistance to people (we’ve been working on it and helping each other since I also have a bit of anxiety myself)

The situation caught me off guard since the reason he came to my state in the first place when I told everyone I prefer flying to him was because they had pressured us to have him come to me instead. Also I usually have him greet them upon entree to the house so telling me he doesn’t when I know he does also caught me off guard. 
just communicating with everyone is the best solution.

[Batya33]

It seems to me you're dating a "project" not a person - and you're not his therapist, you're not his mother. And as his girlfriend you are too biased to help to this extent as if you were his mom or therapist.

My sense is you prefer a safer relationship where you can not see the person as often (I had an extremely busy school then work life for the 24 years I dated on and off- crazy schedules as did my partner and we focused on our work/school/family responsibilities AND made time for each other regularly and frequently).  It is safer to see a person infrequently -safer emotionally and you can tell yourself it's too focus on work and school.  It's totally fine if you don't want a serious relationship right now nor do you need to see someone daily - but then please don't try to take over his life in this intense and personal way and have him be your  therapy project - if you prefer to spend less time with him, have that time be fun and light and casual IMO. 

Then if you two decide to get serious and spend more time together you can see then whether each of you has gotten the help you need in whatever way that is to be together in a healthful way. 

I would ask my roommate -if you want to ask anything - "how can I make the situation better the next time my boyfriend visits?" see what she says.  If she says he cannot come remind her politely that you all agreed that it was ok to have overnight guests. "Be curious not furious" as the late Dr. Joy used to say.

[Honeybeans]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It seems to me you're dating a "project" not a person - and you're not his therapist, you're not his mother. And as his girlfriend you are too biased to help to this extent as if you were his mom or therapist.

My sense is you prefer a safer relationship where you can not see the person as often (I had an extremely busy school then work life for the 24 years I dated on and off- crazy schedules as did my partner and we focused on our work/school/family responsibilities AND made time for each other regularly and frequently).  It is safer to see a person infrequently -safer emotionally and you can tell yourself it's too focus on work and school.  It's totally fine if you don't want a serious relationship right now nor do you need to see someone daily - but then please don't try to take over his life in this intense and personal way and have him be your  therapy project - if you prefer to spend less time with him, have that time be fun and light and casual IMO. 

Then if you two decide to get serious and spend more time together you can see then whether each of you has gotten the help you need in whatever way that is to be together in a healthful way. 

I would ask my roommate -if you want to ask anything - "how can I make the situation better the next time my boyfriend visits?" see what she says.  If she says he cannot come remind her politely that you all agreed that it was ok to have overnight guests. "Be curious not furious" as the late Dr. Joy used to say.

See I thought I might be too biased on this topic as you said since I care for him a lot. I do have a question since I’m not well versed in dating in general this is my first relationship. I thought relationships you’re supposed to help each other in times of need? For example when I have my own panic attacks he helps calm me down and such while when he’s in a panicked situation I do the same. Am I doing this wrong? I don’t try to be his mother or therapist I even directly told him that as well. Also the spending time I always thought we spent a good amount together; calling everyday and when we see each other we go on dates and enjoy each other’s company. I do wish I could see him more often so we always try to save up to see one another. But again this could be my own bias thinking so based on what I’ve said what is your advice you would give me I’m genuinely curious and welcome your thought process. 

[Cherylyn]

Tell your roommate this is your boyfriend's personality and / or character and not to take his standoffish behavior personally.  I know it's hard to do because many people experience this.  However,  if she's still  uncomfortable with your boyfriend,  out of respect for your roommate,   it's better to be with your boyfriend elsewhere.  No sense creating tension and awkwardness in your apartment.  Enforce healthy boundaries for everyone. 

[Honeybeans]

42 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Tell your roommate this is your boyfriend's personality and / or character and not to take his standoffish behavior personally.  I know it's hard to do because many people experience this.  However,  if she's still  uncomfortable with your boyfriend,  out of respect for your roommate,   it's better to be with your boyfriend elsewhere.  No sense creating tension and awkwardness in your apartment.  Enforce healthy boundaries for everyone. 

To me at least so take this with a grain of salt since I’m not a mind reader everything seems fine when he was here and when we wasn’t there wasn’t tension nor awkwardness everyone went on like they usually do at our house and they all did their own things with their boyfriends. I also explained his personality to them and explained my roommates personality to him so he does genuinely try his best to say hi to them when their in the same room which he did when I left him in the living room one day which I said in the original post he said hi she didn’t respond but a minute or two said hi and he seemed to not response either I genuinely thought I was bad timing for both of them. I now see that seems very standoffish on both ends and frankly rude so I talked to him about it asking why he didn’t try the second time he explained the awkwardness that occurred from the interaction. I never knew she was uncomfortable because she actually on multiple occasions said how he is able to say hi to her over our other roommates boyfriend. But there have been occasions where she explained that we all have a bit of anxiety so he needs to ‘grow up’ as well as one time told me that us being on the phone all the time is something high schoolers do. It’s very hard to set boundaries with people but I’ll certainly try my best. I’ve also decided that if there is tension when he’s around I don’t need to bring him around so hotels or visiting his house is best for me.

but this could also be me being bias towards his as I am romantically involved with him. I’m not trying to pick one over the other but on random occasions she will bring topics that are truly out of the blue for me and make me uncomfortable by her words only because of my own preconceptions or it contradicting pervious statements she’s said before. In those moments I don’t really speak up as I don’t tend nor like to have conflicts with people.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Honeybeans said:

. I thought relationships you’re supposed to help each other in times of need?

In a romantic relationship you are supposed to be supportive of each other and be each other's cheerleader and yes in times of need.  But what you are doing is trying to be the person in his life who motivates him to change who he is as a person. 

For example: "Help my boyfriend even more build a stronger resistance to people (we’ve been working on it and helping each other since I also have a bit of anxiety myself)"

I think that's not appropriate for a girlfriend -I think it would be appropriate to suggest to him books or therapeutic resources that might be related to this abstract concept/goal of yours.  

Today my husband had really important meetings that came up at the last minute.  So there were logistical issues (where is his tie?) and tons of emails etc.  This is part of his job and career- it happens from time to time.  It's stressful!

I saw my role as: get out of his way and be quiet so he could find his stuff and focus, respond to questions -like what I thought of his clothing choice, whether he should do all of the interviews or just some etc. 

But we were adult to adult.  He didn't need me to take him by the hand and tell him step by step what to do -he appreciated the innate support but he didn't need me to coddle him and tell him how awesome he was going to do etc - because he is an independent adult who is reasonably secure and confident. He'd have found it overbearing if I fawned all over him and understandably.

By contrast when my son was bullied in middle school he needed his mom and dad to intervene.  And oh did we.  He needed us when he struggled with virtual school during the pandemic when he was only 11.  And he needed my help when he had an accident on the way to the school bus and needed clean clothes and to be told he'd be ok.  But he's 15 now so I see my role as letting him figure stuff out, be resilient, to the extent possible, to the extent age appropriate.  He's tried lots of new stuff last few years -ice skating, kayaking, taking a uber by himself, navigating disagreements in friendships, being away from home for the first time.  And my role is to let him go off and explore the world as much as possible - so I don't text him, don't check up on him, don't micromanage.  So that when he achieves his new skills, his friendship accomplishments -they are -his.  They are from him taking two steps forward and one step back once in awhile. So even mother-son means my role is to raise him so he can leave me -on his own two feet. Or I guess in a raft or kayak.

My husband lost his parents years ago.  He needed me then for sure.  But I didn't try to show him how to grieve, show him how to deal with grief, change him into a person who grieved differently or experienced the tremendous loss differently.  I did suggest he seek out grief counseling at work but I suggested -I didn't take over the role of making phone calls and escorting him to the best counselor I could find.  See the difference? 

Find someone who is reasonably healthy and stable and who you accept as he is.  Be there for that person as adult to adult -as reasonably healthy adult to reasonably healthy adult.  Your role in this situation seems overbearing and he's going to feel like he has to  change for you and he's going to feel mothered/smothered which is a romantic turn off for most people. 

[TeeDee]

On 7/1/2024 at 3:23 PM, Honeybeans said:

 I thought relationships you’re supposed to help each other in times of need? For example when I have my own panic attacks he helps calm me down and such while when he’s in a panicked situation I do the same. Am I doing this wrong? 

Your BF has major issues.   

Somebody hurt him & his response was to try to control what you wear.  Yes, you two worked that out but the idea that he can't trust because he never got over whatever happened is a problem. 

Now his anxiety is so bad he can't say hi & hid in your room with a stomachache the whole time he was visiting.  That was psychosomatic.  He worked himself into a frenzy that debilitated him. 

You can't love somebody through that to become a functioning member of society.  He needs therapy for that.  You are his LDR GF, not his shrink. 

Yes, relationships are about mutual support but you are not doing him any favors by enabling him.  

When we first started dating my husband had a painfully shy socially awkward roommate. The 1st time I went to the apartment & said hello to the guy he practically jumped out the window.  It was really horrible.  DH moved out of that place within a few months of us dating but it took that roommate almost 2 years to be able to say hi to me.  He managed to shake my hand at a funeral in a group setting but he never came to our wedding & he has disconnected from my husband because normal human interaction was beyond him.  It's sad. 

[Daisy98]

It's a difficult circumstance, but with thorough consideration and an optimistic attitude, we can discover a workable solution. Let's keep focused, examine all views, and collaborate to get through it successfully.