First Move

[inmyeyes]

So I met him where I work, he had been a regular customer. I had a crush on him for more than a year, but had been so nervous to tell him about it. Every time I see him, I'll think I'll tell him the next time definitely, but out of my nervousness, it never happened. Now it's been over a month since he had been to store, I would like to be in touch with him. I had talked to him a few times before in-person whenever I met him in store and know him by name. Will it be okay to try contacting him through social media?

[Batya33]

No I wouldn't since if he feels uncomfortable at being contacted he may choose not to come into the store anymore and part of your job is to make customers feel comfortable coming into the store.

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No I wouldn't since if he feels uncomfortable at being contacted he may choose not to come into the store anymore and part of your job is to make customers feel comfortable coming into the store.

^ I second the above.

OP, if you did contact him, what would you say?

[ShySoul]

What were your interactions like? Was it strictly customer/employee? Or was it more friendly banter? Did he ever seem open to getting to know you better, outside of the store? If you contacted him, how do you feel he would react?

Your responsibilty to a job ends at the job. It should never dictate who you can or can't be friends with on your own personal time. His decision to use the store is up to him, it is not your responsibilty to monitor that if you are off the clock. And on the slim chance it does scare him away, will one customer (who has already slowed down or stopped shopping there) really drastically hurt their bottom line?

You will never know what could happen unless you try. If this is something you feel you want to do, then do it. Just be careful to keep expectations low and be open to any possible result. You don't know what's happening on his side. He may be busy or not respond. On the other hand, he may welcome the contact. Try to let what happens, happen.

[Jaunty]

IMO it would be a big mistake to tell this stranger that you have a crush on him.  Generally that is not good - you are putting the other person in a terribly awkward position if they don't happen to also have a crush on you.   

Also finding him on social media is not professional and like the other posters said, could make him stay away from the business where you work.

If he is interested in you, and single, he WILL definitely come back in the store.  When and if that happens, don't tell him about your crush.  But you could tell him to give you a call or text if he'd like to meet for a drink or coffee, and hand him your business card.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Nope

In person 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, inmyeyes said:

Will it be okay to try contacting him through social media?

To try to add him on social media to see if he is interested as well? Yes.

To try to tell him how you have a crush on him? Hell no.

[rainbowsandroses]

What @Jauntysaid, 100%. 

What would you even say?  "Hi this may sound awkward but I have a crush on you"?

That's not how it's done.  Be friendly, pay attention to how HE responds to you and if he appears open and friendly back, suggest a casual coffee when you're off the clock.  Something like that. 

Sorry to say but there's a bit of a creepy vibe here, for you a fantasy of sorts.

How experienced are you at having real relationships?

 

[catfeeder]

I receive friend or follow requests from random people who I only know in passing all the time, and I’m certainly not offended by them. I often accept just because I wouldn’t mind if they add some interesting stuff to my feeds now and then. But if he accepts, I’d just wait and see if he ever reaches out. If not, I would not message him.

[yogacat]

I might receive some backlash for this, but he's not a female. It's highly unlikely that he will complain to management if you make advances towards him. At worst, he may either already have a girlfriend or simply not be interested.

Unless he's a total jerk, he will kindly tell you that he's flattered but it won't affect his regular runs to your store if you give him your social handle.

Lots of folks are hesitant to hit on employees because they never know if you're just friendly to everyone, or they don't want to make it weird or get in trouble.

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I might receive some backlash for this, but he's not a female. It's highly unlikely that he will complain to management if you make advances towards him. At worst, he may either already have a girlfriend or simply not be interested.

Unless he's a total jerk, he will kindly tell you that he's flattered but it won't affect his regular runs to your store if you give him your social handle.

Lots of folks are hesitant to hit on employees because they never know if you're just friendly to everyone, or they don't want to make it weird or get in trouble.

Or his girlfriend or wife may complain. I might depending on what the store employee did.

[yogacat]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Or his girlfriend or wife may complain. I might depending on what the store employee did.

Sure. Always a possibility. People have also met and found love in unconventional ways.

[rainbowsandroses]

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Or his girlfriend or wife may complain. I might depending on what the store employee did.

How would the girlfriend or wife find out though?  In my experience men aren't inclined to share with their partners how often they get hit on or by who. 

When/if not interested, it's typically a big nothingburger. Unless he's interested.  If not, meh. 

Not to sound sexist but that's typically something women do, or some women.  I never did and don't.  There's no reason to other than to stir jealousy and bring out a man's competitive nature. 

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I might receive some backlash for this, but he's not a female. It's highly unlikely that he will complain to management if you make advances towards him. At worst, he may either already have a girlfriend or simply not be interested.

No backlash from me, I agree with you!  Placing myself in his shoes (IF OP were to make an advance) I would not complain to mgmt but I wouldn't want to return to the store, unless of course I were interested. 

But if not interested, I just wouldn't feel comfortable returning and interacting with him again. 

I can't speak for this guy, he may feel differently. 

 

[yogacat]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No backlash from me, I agree with you!  Placing myself in his shoes (IF OP were to make an advance) I would not complain to mgmt but I wouldn't want to return to the store, unless of course I were interested. 

But if not interested, I just wouldn't feel comfortable returning and interacting with him again. 

I can't speak for this guy, he may feel differently. 

Yes.

And that's really what it boils down to.

IF OP, is creepy about it or he isn't interested in exchanging socials he will perceive this a completely different way.

But if he found her attractive and he isn't taken, I am sure he would be a bit more receptive.

I tend to think that men (for the most part) are usually pretty receptive to advances made by women unless 1. It is out in left field and you're blatantly not their type or 2. you are crazy about it.

[smackie9]

First off try and find out if he's single. Lots of people have their SM open to the public. If the coast is clear send a friend request, and see if he will communicate with you on that platform. If he's chatty, welcoming to you then build a rapport with him. If he's interested in you, he might ask you out on a date or you can suggest to meet up for a coffee. But Never ever say you have a crush on him...you are not 12 you are an adult. Adults ask each other out on dates to show their interest. You tell him that, it will be looked at as obsessive and creepy.

[ShySoul]

Probably just a good idea to never tell someone you like them or have a crush until you've actually gotten to know them. And really, how much can you like them if you haven't spent any real quality time with them? The more you learn about the person, you might realize they aren't at all what you thought they were and there goes the crush.

If you've been friendly in person, reach out. The worse that happens is he isn't interested in speaking further, for whatever reason, and you'll have an answer for sure and can move forward. Or for all you know you could hit it off, start something, and he'll be coming around the store every chance he gets just to see you. There is an infinity of possibilities, speculating on them is just going to take up your time and energy. So don't think about it, and just reach out as a possible friend. What is supposed to happen, generally will.

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How would the girlfriend or wife find out though?  In my experience men aren't inclined to share with their partners how often they get hit on or by who. 

When/if not interested, it's typically a big nothingburger. Unless he's interested.  If not, meh. 

Not to sound sexist but that's typically something women do, or some women.  I never did and don't.  There's no reason to other than to stir jealousy and bring out a man's competitive nature. 

No backlash from me, I agree with you!  Placing myself in his shoes (IF OP were to make an advance) I would not complain to mgmt but I wouldn't want to return to the store, unless of course I were interested. 

But if not interested, I just wouldn't feel comfortable returning and interacting with him again. 

I can't speak for this guy, he may feel differently. 

 

I want to edit what I wrote -I would not complain unless I felt harassed etc but I wouldn't go back and therefore an employee shouldn't take that risk -their loyalty is to the employer.

I haven't had the experience of a man not sharing what happened with his partner -based on gender.  Depends on so many things- like if the wife plans on shopping there, if her friends do, the way husband and wife interact etc.  It wouldn't be to stir jealousy. It would be based on lack of professionalism.  Or believing there was something off or weird about it.  Safety concerns.  

I think individual people are receptive to advances made by the gender they are interested in if they find the person interesting and/or attractive.  I do not think it is at all gendered.

[yogacat]

A little experiment:😂🥰

 

[Batya33]

In 1990 I was a headhunter.  I made cold calls. I cold called a corporate executive.  I was in my early 20s and he was 3-4 years older.  We spoke and he said truthfully he wasn't looking to leave his job but would I like to have dinner with him? I believe I actually asked my boss permission.  I just didn't know how this worked lol.  I was single and I hadn't flirted at all by phone.  No idea what he looked like.  She said sure but I knew I should ask her.  We did meet -we had dinner and ice cream and a nice time! One and done.  As small worlds work 5 years later I ended up working with his sibling.  She actually told me he told her that he had a nice time with me and how we met. 

I knew not to mix business with pleasure even though it was the client who asked me out. Never ever would I have asked out someone I cold called while on the job no matter what.  I didn't have to ask my boss about that.  It's common sense as an employee in the sales field especially. 

[ShySoul]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I want to edit what I wrote -I would not complain unless I felt harassed etc but I wouldn't go back and therefore an employee shouldn't take that risk -their loyalty is to the employer.

Perhaps it's the companies I've been at, but I've never felt my employer has had loyalty to me. Certain managers or co-workers sure, but not the company. I've been let go out of nowhere despite doing nothing wrong and being one of the better employees. So my loyalty to an employer extends to doing the best job I can on the actually work given. When it's time to work I give 100%. When it's my personal life, my loyalty should be to myself, not letting a corporation dictate what I should or should not do and who I can or can't speak to.

Obviously, don't harrass people. That should have nothing to do with work, it should just be common decency. Don't use your job to intentionally hit on someone. But if something happens and it's off the clock, would think you'd owe it to yourself to see where it goes.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Perhaps it's the companies I've been at, but I've never felt my employer has had loyalty to me. Certain managers or co-workers sure, but not the company. I've been let go out of nowhere despite doing nothing wrong and being one of the better employees. So my loyalty to an employer extends to doing the best job I can on the actually work given. When it's time to work I give 100%. When it's my personal life, my loyalty should be to myself, not letting a corporation dictate what I should or should not do and who I can or can't speak to.

Obviously, don't harrass people. That should have nothing to do with work, it should just be common decency. Don't use your job to intentionally hit on someone. But if something happens and it's off the clock, would think you'd owe it to yourself to see where it goes.

It's not my personal life if I meet someone while I'm at work and the person is work related.  I feel immense loyalty to all my employers including now.  When I'm working.  Not because they are loyal to me -because it's my job as a professional.  I did meet my future husband at work.  I never ever would have gone on a date with him if we worked together or if I supervised him or vice versa.  Or if he was a client. I don't let my employer "dictate" -I am being paid to do my job and to follow all workplace rules and procedures and protocols.  I have a choice not to work for that employer.  I have a choice to be my own boss (although I'd likely have clients/customers and therefore have loyalty to them).  I feel strongly that the OP should not express romantic interest in any customer unless he stops working there.  Then if he has that customer's contact info and wants to be personal friends or take the person on a date fine.  I've done that. 

I also think depending on what the job is he can choose to change jobs if this person asks him out on a date, etc.  I didn't get a sense of how important the job was to him.  

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

A little experiment:😂🥰

 

LOL!!  

Should we analyze this?  

My theory?  It's so rare when men get hit on by a random woman, they're not annoyed or put off, they're flattered and will reject in a kind polite way.

On the other hand, attractive women get hit on soooo much that they simply have no patience for it or the time to stop and chat and politely reject each guy.

Just a theory. 

Me?  I'm a bit in-between how the women rejected and the men rejected.  Not completely rude and dismissive but not as engaging about it like the men. 

Great video though, thanks for sharing! 

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

LOL!!  

Should we analyze this?  

My theory?  It's so rare when men get hit on by a random woman, they're not annoyed or put off, they're flattered and will reject in a kind polite way.

On the other hand, attractive women get hit on soooo much that they simply have no patience for it or the time to stop and chat and politely reject each guy.

Just a theory. 

Me?  I'm a bit in-between how the women rejected and the men rejected.  Not completely rude and dismissive but not as engaging about it like the men. 

Great video though, thanks for sharing! 

Haha.

Ok confession time. But I think it ties nicely into this subject.

So there is a guy that I've known for 10+ years. He's married with children. I recently updated my SM profile to include a more professional photo of myself.

He flooded me with messages and then just craziness. I did not return the comment. I just thanked him and tried to close out the conversation. He is giving of a "ughhh" vibe to me.

Now, we weren't ever close but we used to belong on the same sports team and I guess I would say our friends we're all friends. We haven't seen or talked to each other in years. Coming out of no where like that and when you're married is 1. inappropriate and 2. a bit icky.

So, I think that's a good example of 1. Inappropriate and 2. Way too forward with someone you don't know that well.

Approaching this cautiously and slow OP, is your friend. 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I've been let go out of nowhere despite doing nothing wrong and being one of the better employees.

SS, have you considered the possibility that you may have been let go precisely because you lacked loyalty to your employer?

That lack of loyalty can display itself in numerous ways and I speak from experience when saying loyalty is extremely important to employers often times more so than actual knowledge or even ability. 

If an employee displays a willingness to learn and conform to company policies and displays a certain loyalty, that employee is valued and will not be let go so dismissively.

Just a thought; I agree with @Batya33and I'm the same. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

Haha.

Ok confession time. But I think it ties nicely into this subject.

So there is a guy that I've known for 10+ years. He's married with children. I recently updated my SM profile to include a more professional photo of myself.

He flooded me with messages and then just craziness. I did not return the comment. I just thanked him and tried to close out the conversation. He is giving of a "ughhh" vibe to me.

Now, we weren't ever close but we used to belong on the same sports team and I guess I would say our friends we're all friends. We haven't seen or talked to each other in years. Coming out of no where like that and when you're married is 1. inappropriate and 2. a bit icky.

So, I think that's a good example of 1. Inappropriate and 2. Way too forward with someone you don't know that well.

Approaching this cautiously and slow OP, is your friend. 

That's good of you to not respond to a married man's inappropriate messages.  What I have done in a work situation at least once recently was Facebook friend the female spouse of the male employee.  Example - a male employee who I had a lot in common with joined my office.  A few years ago.  He also was new to the area.  I quickly learned he had a wife and a son.  So we had a really good conversation -mix of work and personal -meaning about where they'd chosen to live, schools, like that.  I  then asked him if his wife had FB and could I friend her.  So from then on I communicated with the wife -who I still have not met - about personal stuff - mom stuff, what's going on where we live, offers of local FB groups she might like, etc. And when I see her husband at work -when I go into the office -or when we talk by phone it's 90% work and 10% friendly conversation.  But I feel 100% comfortable since I involved his wife from the get go. Also I am linkedin with the husband -I think?- but not Facebook.  Again showing boundaries.