Loosing Trust in Wife

[Gatguy]

Hi everyone, 

Let me say this is a long onr but please if you have time bare with me as I could really use the advice. 

Me (31m) and my wife (30f) have been together since we were 14. In all that time we have never really had any issues and have been a great couple together. That was untill last year. In November last year she had a hens night for a friend getting married and a video of her on stage with a male striper emerged. It was not something she was trying to hide (she sent me the vid) but ever since my trust and self worth have been shattered. 

That brings me to why I need help, I really don't want to be a toxic POS but I am finding myself getting more jealous, feeling more insecure and overall less happy in my relationship. I have never had massive self esteem issues but since this happened i have started running marathon's (was really unfit before the striper situation) Doubled my income and doubled down on being a good provider and father and I still feel insecure! 

I feel like she doesn't understand why I am so hurt and when I bring it up I try and tell her I know it's an issue with me and I am working on it but she gets really defensive and shuts down. When she dose seem to listen it means nothing also. For example yesterday I mentioned that I was feeling uncomfortable with a work colleague that she swears black and blue that she never even talks to (I don't really care if there friends at work) that keeps messaging her on Instagram. I said I know it's my issue I'm not asking you to not be his friend but I just wanted you to know I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable. I had a bit of a cry from how frustrating this all is (that I am still feeling this way) and we moved on. Later that same day we are out with people and she is going on about all the "Hot" dads she works with (she is a teacher) and that there was this really hot one but he was crazy. This obviously upset me, important to note it was my grandmother's funeral so I'm already fairly emotional. We got home after and I just said that comment hurt me, that I thought it was kinda gross and why she would think it's ok to say something like that a few hours after I told her how low I was feeling. I got a mumbled sorry and an hour later she asked what was wrong and I said I was still upset by the situation witch seemed to make her mad.

I just feel like 

1. How do I get my self confidence back.

2. How do I make her more sensitive to how I'm feeling.

3. How do i distance myself from her a bit. I can clearly see I am putting her on a peddlestool and that's unhealthy.

Ultimately I can see this is a huge issue and I love her all the world and more and I'm just at Wits end.

[TeeDee]

29 minutes ago, Gatguy said:

1. How do I get my self confidence back.

2. How do I make her more sensitive to how I'm feeling.

3. How do i distance myself from her a bit. I can clearly see I am putting her on a peddlestool and that's unhealthy.

 

You have to get your self confidence back by yourself.  Nobody can do that for you.  It must come from within.   If you are not ready for therapy, at least buy & read a few self help books about self confidence & self esteem.  You can also get some from the library. 

 

You can't make her more sensitive.  You can say "you are hurting my feelings when X happens."  She may not know how much her talk hurts you.  Perhaps she needs to read it so put it in writing.  Be brief.  1-2 sentences.  

 

The healthy emotional distance you need & the balance in your life you need will come when you practice better self care & self talk.  Spin her chatter about hot dads into the knowledge that she married you & you two are together.  She picked you over them & you are worthy of love & admiration.  So give both of those things to yourself.  

[yogacat]

Well --> the good news is you already seem pretty self-aware.

This isn't a wife is cheating on me issue. It's an issue that you're not feeling confident in yourself and your relationship. How would you say your confidence was before this whole situation went down?

[smackie9]

I worked ladies nights for 4 years...in Canada they take everything off. No didn't get a boner if a had a d&*^. Ok to look at but there was never I time I would have wanted to take one of them home. It's just for fun. Totally different that guys watching peelers. 

[Gatguy]

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well --> the good news is you already seem pretty self-aware.

This isn't a wife is cheating on me issue. It's an issue that you're not feeling confident in yourself and your relationship. How would you say your confidence was before this whole situation went down?

 

I agree I am definitely self aware to the other guys point I actually have a session with a counsellor today. 

As far as my self confidence before pretty good, I'd say I always felt like I was a a catch. I look back now and see I probably wasn't. That's kinda what bothers me to. I am in a much much much better place in my life now. I constantly get compliments, I am an executive at work and am valued around the office I feel like I should be on-top of the word. It's like I am getting this admiration from everyone but her. 

 

I feel like the other major thing that has changed in the past few years that I could point to is we have had our daughter. In that time my wife has become more "womanly" if that makes sense. She is much more confident, less out spoken, more flirty with men in general. Maybe I'm just worried I'm loosing "control" (lack of a better term I always felt we have had a very equal relationship) but her respect maybe towards me has shifted and as her confidence has grown she is less concerned about my feelings and that she is lucky to have me? 

 

 

[Gatguy]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I worked ladies nights for 4 years...in Canada they take everything off. No didn't get a boner if a had a d&*^. Ok to look at but there was never I time I would have wanted to take one of them home. It's just for fun. Totally different that guys watching peelers. 

Thanks mate, I don't think it went any further. He was actually dressed so from that level it was pretty PG lol just about 2 minutes if grinding and rubbing.

[yogacat]

Indeed @smackie9.

My sister and I treated my Mom for a milestone birthday to a male revue in Las Vegas.

We were trying to get her on stage when the male dancers asked for volunteers to come up on stage.

Well, instead of taking our mother, they grabbed me, sat me in a chair and tied me to it.

One male dancer put his junk in my face and I was mortified, the opposite of turned on.

I prefer to see it from afar on the big screen. 😂 

Once they untied me I hurried off the stage and a male dancer proceeded to pat me from behind which ticked me off.

Totally different vibe from men with women strippers...

I surmise.

 

 

[yogacat]

25 minutes ago, Gatguy said:

 

I agree I am definitely self aware to the other guys point I actually have a session with a counsellor today. 

As far as my self confidence before pretty good, I'd say I always felt like I was a a catch. I look back now and see I probably wasn't. That's kinda what bothers me to. I am in a much much much better place in my life now. I constantly get compliments, I am an executive at work and am valued around the office I feel like I should be on-top of the word. It's like I am getting this admiration from everyone but her. 

 

I feel like the other major thing that has changed in the past few years that I could point to is we have had our daughter. In that time my wife has become more "womanly" if that makes sense. She is much more confident, less out spoken, more flirty with men in general. Maybe I'm just worried I'm loosing "control" (lack of a better term I always felt we have had a very equal relationship) but her respect maybe towards me has shifted and as her confidence has grown she is less concerned about my feelings and that she is lucky to have me? 

 

 

Did you happen to still give attention to her when she was pregnant and after? Because then is the time most woman tend to feel even more insecure because of the physical changes etc. and the hormones going haywire. 

I'm thinking that the last thing she'll want is for you to give her grieves about your own insecurities during that time.

The male dancer incident likely triggered deeper insecurities that were already present in your relationship. When you've been with someone for such a long time, since 14 years in your case, it's natural for things to become routine and predictable. Those feelings of excitement and unpredictability that were present in the early stages of the relationship start to fade away and it's easy to start to feel insecure in the relationship.

I recommend focusing on yourself.

You mentioned that you've taken up running marathons and have doubled your income - keep doing those things that make you feel confident and good about yourself. Take care of your physical and mental health. Try new things and keep challenging yourself.

Remember that your worth is not dependent on anyone else, including your wife. You are an amazing individual with your own unique talents and strengths.

But in terms of your wife, some advice that I would like to share with you is that people tend to respect others they cannot control. You said she has become 'womanly', meaning she is confident like you said, she's become comfortable in her skin etc., so, this is no longer the small girl she was in her teens. She's a grown woman and you need to treat her like one.

She has a job, they find her attractive, she gets attention from men etc. - you need to consider this normal, given some casual flirting here and there is no harm. Don't ruin the trust showing her that you're feeling insecure.

She shows her composure while ignoring those guys and that's what matters. Do you trust her? Then if you do, even if you're not around, you have won half the battle. 

You shouldn't feel like crap knowing she's gunna be with a bunch of DILFs at her workplace. That sounds like a real sorry state of affairs. You could always ask her beforehand to keep work-related issues at work only and that she doesn't have to share specifics about work dudes unless completely necessary (which is very unlikely, I know but I would just ask her this mostly to see if she gets defensive or gets upset or asks why).

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Gatguy said:

I feel like she doesn't understand why I am so hurt and when I bring it up I try and tell her I know it's an issue with me and I am working on it but she gets really defensive and shuts down.

If you mean that you keep bringing up the stripper issue that happened 7 months ago, then yes, I can see why she doesn't respond in the way you wish her to. The argument/discussion should have been resolved back in November, hopefully both coming to a consensus, and then that's a subject that shouldn't be brought up again. Basically did you 2 have different ideas of what crossing the line means at a strip club. I would've been okay with my husband observing at a strip club but something akin to a lap dance would've made me consider divorce. Since you decided not to divorce her, the discussion should've involved asking her to only observe next time since to you, that's crossing a line. A caring partner would've agreed because her spouse's feelings are more important than the fun of rubbing on an entertainer's body.

I guess you took this as a wake up call for you that things may have gotten stale with your marriage and that she has a social life outside of you that scares you.

Have you ever discussed rules for opposite sex friends? It's a little late in the game if you haven't. It's up to you if you want to discuss what you're okay with and see if she agrees. She might not be receptive right now, though, since you keep trying to discuss your emotional angst with her. If those Instagram posts were just something any friend would post, then maybe you should make it so you don't see stuff on her social media anymore.

For the talking about hot guys thing, yes, you could've just said, "I'd rather you talk to girlfriends about that stuff when I'm not around." Do you think she said it to get under your skin? When you said it's "gross," that's sort of attacking her character.

Do you hang out with guy friends? Are you enjoying the marathons or are you doing that solely for her so she'll stay attracted to you? If you don't have a hobby you can enjoy, get one. Think about fulfilling your own personal life besides having a partner, having time to yourself, time with friends, time on a hobby, while of course, also, spending quality time with your daughter and wife when you're not working.

I think in clinging to her and trying all these ways to impress her will drive her away more than pull her close. Try and have the mindset that if being the best husband you can be, an excellent father to your child, and a great provider isn't good enough for her, well, then maybe you two should go your separate ways and one day you'll meet someone who does appreciate you. Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. 

If you have a portion of your life that doesn't involve her, maybe she will also open her eyes that if she doesn't treat you right, that she could be losing you.

It's time to stop with all of these emotional talks. Take a break from that. If you have a trusted relative or other sitter to babysit, try for at least one date night/day per month. It's time for fun to get you two out of this rut. Try things you normally don't do. Bowling. Roller skating. Salsa or Tango lessons. A Paint and Sip night where you create a painting with a glass of wine which some places offer. You can even tell her that you'll be taking your daughter out to breakfast so "Mom" can have some free time to herself. That'll likely make her feel more appreciative of you than staring at the tighter abs you believe she's desiring.

[Cherylyn]

You're not on the same wavelength with your wife.  Both of your core values and principles are different and on opposite ends of the spectrum.  This is the part which needs to be addressed and discussed with your wife.  Either accept how she is,  seek professional marriage counseling or do what you think is best.  If you refuse to endure and tolerate her ways,  think of an alternative whether it is to remain with her or dissolve and exit the marriage.  It's your choice. 

People don't change for you.  They are who they are.  A leopard cannot change its spots.  You either are satisfied for who they are and accept them as is or get out and be with a lady who shares your same views.  This is why most successful marriages have spouses who are on the same page with each other.  Be evenly yoked so there is no source of contention. 

It looks like at the current rate you're going,  both of you end up arguing and talking in circles which leads to nowhere.  🤨

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Gatguy said:

i have started running marathon's (was really unfit before the striper situation) Doubled my income and doubled down on being a good provider and father and I still feel insecure! 

Being secure and confident doesn't come from external things like your body, wealth, or doing "manly" things like being a provider. You can have all of that and still lack confidence in yourself. True confidence comes from within, understanding and embracing who you are as a person. It is trying to be the best person you can be, and focusing on your strengths and what sparks joy within you. If you focus on what you feel you lack and are always trying to change it, you'll continually feel insecure because they will always be something else lacking that needs improvement.

3 hours ago, Gatguy said:

How do i distance myself from her a bit. I can clearly see I am putting her on a peddlestool and that's unhealthy.

Distancing yourself from a person doesn't help in making them feel more sensistive to you. They are likely to be less sensitive, thinking something is wrong or that you don't want to be around them.

Instead recognize her for who she is, the good and the bad. Thinking she is an incredible person and you are lucky to have her with you isn't putting her on a pedestal. It's simply a sign that you love her, which is a good thing. As long as you aren't being treated as a slave and expected to do everything for her, taking on more then is humanly possible, don't worry about it. If the relationship is equal as you say, then just enjoy what you have and take it as it comes.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Gatguy said:

She is much more confident, less out spoken, more flirty with men in general. Maybe I'm just worried I'm loosing "control" (lack of a better term I always felt we have had a very equal relationship) but her respect maybe towards me has shifted and as her confidence has grown she is less concerned about my feelings and that she is lucky to have me? 

I would think more confidence would translate to more outspoken, not less.

The key word there is respect. You aren't feeling valued or respected in the relationship. You don't feel that she wants you or loves you in the same way you want and love her. So you are becoming insecure about your place. If she is more "womanly" then you feel you need to be more manly and work on your body and income. She has a silly girls night that probably embarressed her more then anything else and you get jealous over the guy. You become more aware of her comments and how she isn't aiming talks of being hot towards you. And each example just fuels the insecurity.

When you talk to her, don't just say you feel low or hurt. Get into the why. Unless you can both understand why these issues are happening, you can't do anything about them. 

You need to work with her to get back on the same page. You need to focus on each other, reigniting the spark. Find the things that made you fall in love in the first place. Work on the romance. Really connect again emotionally. It's not about her being lucky to have you. It's not about you being lucky to have her. It's about the two of you being lucky enough to have each other.

[Gatguy]

Hey everyone, just thought I'd speak to a bunch of the comments in here. First off thanks to everyone that commented so far most seem well mannered and friendly and I appreciate it. 

First off one of the reply's spoke about my wife and me going our seperate ways. This is absolutely not a solution, we both still communicate very well and love one another. 

Secondly agree with all of you that my self worth can't be wrapped up in my achievements it's bigger then that. I will work through that with my councillor today and see if he can give me some strategies to move forward.

Thirdly some of you mentioned not constantly speaking to her about how I'm feeling. I'm actually interested in this. I come from a very communicative family that talk things out all the time. We are a close nit group and love each other. Her family not so much. has anyone got experience with not communicating so much and keeping things to themselves. I legitimately don't think I have the ability to be upset and not show it in my face and the way I act. I'm sure this is a childish problem to have but i am just not sure how if something really hurts me how do I not speak to my partner about it? In saying that I agree that emotionally dumping on her is definitely not working so I would appreciate some strategies. 

Lastly I just want to make something clear. I am committed to her and making this work. I agree couples counseling is probably the right move. I'm scared that I am a fairly complex person with a bit of a history ( brother took his life in 2019 and this is definitely wrapped up in that) and I feel I should work on myself more before taking that plunge. Dose anyone have experience with couples counseling and if so what would your suggestion be and how did you make the decision that it was the correct next step.

[Gatguy]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Being secure and confident doesn't come from external things like your body, wealth, or doing "manly" things like being a provider. You can have all of that and still lack confidence in yourself. True confidence comes from within, understanding and embracing who you are as a person. It is trying to be the best person you can be, and focusing on your strengths and what sparks joy within you. If you focus on what you feel you lack and are always trying to change it, you'll continually feel insecure because they will always be something else lacking that needs improvement.

Distancing yourself from a person doesn't help in making them feel more sensistive to you. They are likely to be less sensitive, thinking something is wrong or that you don't want to be around them.

Instead recognize her for who she is, the good and the bad. Thinking she is an incredible person and you are lucky to have her with you isn't putting her on a pedestal. It's simply a sign that you love her, which is a good thing. As long as you aren't being treated as a slave and expected to do everything for her, taking on more then is humanly possible, don't worry about it. If the relationship is equal as you say, then just enjoy what you have and take it as it comes.

This was a very helpful reply and I feel brought me back into reality a bit. I obviously adore her, I think the distance thing seems more like a defence mechanism and that's not helpful. Thanks for bringing this to my attention

[Gatguy]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

You're not on the same wavelength with your wife.  Both of your values and principles are different.  This is the part which needs to be addressed and discussed with your wife.  Either accept how she is,  seek professional marriage counseling or do what you think is best.  Either endure and tolerate her ways or if you cannot and will not,  think of an alternative whether it is to remain with her or dissolve and exit the marriage.  It's your choice. 

It looks like at the current rate you're going,  both of you end up arguing and talking in circles which leads to nowhere.  🤨

This is an interesting answer. It feels very cut and dry. Reality is it's much more complicated then that. We don't really argue as such and o feel like we communicate really well. It's more her acting on what we have communicated. For instance the thing around the hot dad stuff. She knew right away that it was not appropriate and that it would make me feel *** especially given out conversation that morning. I don't hate her for saying it, it just hurt and made me second guess some things. 

 

I actually think we are on the same "wavelength" in almost every way. But I do agree I need to be more attentive to her love language and better understand when she is being affectionate. It's surprising that we have gotten this far in our relationship without me needing the extra attention but here we are. 

 

 

[Gatguy]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

If you mean that you keep bringing up the stripper issue that happened 7 months ago, then yes, I can see why she doesn't respond in the way you wish her to. The argument/discussion should have been resolved back in November, hopefully both coming to a consensus, and then that's a subject that shouldn't be brought up again. Basically did you 2 have different ideas of what crossing the line means at a strip club. I would've been okay with my husband observing at a strip club but something akin to a lap dance would've made me consider divorce. Since you decided not to divorce her, the discussion should've involved asking her to only observe next time since to you, that's crossing a line. A caring partner would've agreed because her spouse's feelings are more important than the fun of rubbing on an entertainer's body.

I guess you took this as a wake up call for you that things may have gotten stale with your marriage and that she has a social life outside of you that scares you.

Have you ever discussed rules for opposite sex friends? It's a little late in the game if you haven't. It's up to you if you want to discuss what you're okay with and see if she agrees. She might not be receptive right now, though, since you keep trying to discuss your emotional angst with her. If those Instagram posts were just something any friend would post, then maybe you should make it so you don't see stuff on her social media anymore.

For the talking about hot guys thing, yes, you could've just said, "I'd rather you talk to girlfriends about that stuff when I'm not around." Do you think she said it to get under your skin? When you said it's "gross," that's sort of attacking her character.

Do you hang out with guy friends? Are you enjoying the marathons or are you doing that solely for her so she'll stay attracted to you? If you don't have a hobby you can enjoy, get one. Think about fulfilling your own personal life besides having a partner, having time to yourself, time with friends, time on a hobby, while of course, also, spending quality time with your daughter and wife when you're not working.

I think in clinging to her and trying all these ways to impress her will drive her away more than pull her close. Try and have the mindset that if being the best husband you can be, an excellent father to your child, and a great provider isn't good enough for her, well, then maybe you two should go your separate ways and one day you'll meet someone who does appreciate you. Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. 

If you have a portion of your life that doesn't involve her, maybe she will also open her eyes that if she doesn't treat you right, that she could be losing you.

It's time to stop with all of these emotional talks. Take a break from that. If you have a trusted relative or other sitter to babysit, try for at least one date night/day per month. It's time for fun to get you two out of this rut. Try things you normally don't do. Bowling. Roller skating. Salsa or Tango lessons. A Paint and Sip night where you create a painting with a glass of wine which some places offer. You can even tell her that you'll be taking your daughter out to breakfast so "Mom" can have some free time to herself. That'll likely make her feel more appreciative of you than staring at the tighter abs you believe she's desiring.

I feel I answered most of this is my other reply but I just want to make clear we make a lot of time for each other and spend a lot of quality time together both as a family and life partners. We go on dates all the time and adore spending time together. This reply kinda helped in that retrospect, ultimately I feel like that's the issue, from most relationship perspectives we are perfect and yet I feel so insecure....

[Cherylyn]

She doesn't understand why you're so hurt?  It sounds to me that you're disrespected because you wouldn't do that to her.  How would she like it if you were to be with a female stripper?  By the time you came home to your wife,  would she support this entertainment for you?  🤨

How would she feel if you became very defensive and shut her down?  How would she feel if you seem to listen yet it meant nothing to you?  How would she feel if you were messaged by a female work colleague on Instagram?  Would this constant correspondence be fine with your wife?  Or, would it make her feel uncomfortable and disrespected because you wouldn't do this to her out of consideration and because this is not your character?

How would your wife feel if you were going on about "HOT" mothers you work with?  Would she enjoy hearing these comments from you after your day at work?  Then you would add that's there's this really "HOT" one and really let her know about how "HOT" these women are.  Would your wife enjoy hearing your description of how "HOT" these female colleagues of yours are? 

How do you make her more sensitive to how you're feeling?  Maybe you ought to try a little experiment and see how she feels if she received a taste of her own medicine.  When the shoe is on the other foot, she'll suddenly sing a different tune.  😉 

Some people can dish it out but they can't take it.  😒 🙄

You get your self confidence back when you realize there are two sets of rules here.  🫢One for your wife and another rule for you.  Now would you call that fair? 

Love is respecting each other meaning treating each other the way you would like to be treated. 

If you disagree about moral values,  principles,  habits,  how to celebrate,  whom to associate with,  how to speak,  write,  how to think,  etc.  these are key and core fundamental beliefs which make or break all relationships.  It's about integrity and treating each other with dignity.  Nothing else matters.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

I like what Andrina wrote -it was 7 months ago.  Did you both know this was a bridal shower with strippers?Did you talk about it at all in advance? I went to one bachelorette with a stripper as entertainer.  I had a  boyfriend at the time.  I had the opportunity to  dance with him and I don't believe I did even from a distance.  The bride did -I was in my early 20s.  I also kissed a male stripper at a famous male strip club in NYC in the 1980s-I was a teenager and again was there for a bridal shower.  I did have a boyfriend and back then it was kind of understood that it was fine to do something like that - (but honestly I don't remember what our status was at the time).

I am married.  It would be a hard no for me if my husband wanted to go to a party like that.  But the thing is he wouldn't.  In his 20s he went to a few -before we dated -and he wasn't into it but may have danced with one or something.  The first time we were engaged his friend wanted to take him to Vegas and to a strip club.  I told him I wasn't comfortable with the strip club but was with the trip in general and he understood -he didn't want that either. For our second engagement years later he went to a steakhouse with his buddies and had a great time.  

My point is - communication. He would find it bizarre if I even wanted to go to a bachelorette at a strip club -I'd go if I really had to and would do nothing at all.  And he would totally trust me.  

I agree to go for individual therapy and not keep burdening her with your insecurities.  As far as how she conducts herself at work -when I was a teacher many years ago in my 20s it was a sort of environment like that -there were few male teachers (elementary school) so we kind of drooled sometimes over the men who were there -one teacher was sleeping with a school custodian lol.  My husband and I -especially these days ! - conduct ourselves 100% appropriately at work in every way including that way. 

I know this without having to ask him and he travels regularly with female colleagues all over the world.  In fact one asked him to walk with her back to their hotel one night because she was concerned for her safety and made it clear that she meant they should get a group to gether to do so.  but if he had walked just with her I'd have been happy he had done so and made her feel safer to walk at night.  Either you trust or you don't  and either you're on the same wavelength or not -or generally on the same wavelength.

Good luck to you and  your family! And yes spend some one on one time together if you can I'm a mom and I know it is hard.

[Cherylyn]

20 minutes ago, Gatguy said:

This is an interesting answer. It feels very cut and dry. Reality is it's much more complicated then that. We don't really argue as such and o feel like we communicate really well. It's more her acting on what we have communicated. For instance the thing around the hot dad stuff. She knew right away that it was not appropriate and that it would make me feel *** especially given out conversation that morning. I don't hate her for saying it, it just hurt and made me second guess some things. 

 

I actually think we are on the same "wavelength" in almost every way. But I do agree I need to be more attentive to her love language and better understand when she is being affectionate. It's surprising that we have gotten this far in our relationship without me needing the extra attention but here we are. 

 

 

You've known each other since both of you were 14 years old which is a very long time.  You knew what she was like so this is not some new revelation for you.  You knew her character and this is what you've signed up for.  You'll have to accept her the way she is since dissolving the marriage is not an option for you.  She will not change for you.  She is who she is.  You are responsible for your own actions.  This was your choice.

You've made your bed and now you must lie in it. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Talk and communicate 

You trust each other or you don't 

[Kwothe28]

I like how she gets a pass for a stripper, messaging other men and commenting how other men are hot in front of her husband, just because she is a woman. Truly shows double standards some posters have lol

Bro, this is not a "you" issue. This is her issue. If she cant respect boundaries than its OK for you to get mad at her for doing so. This has nothing to do with you having to be more secure in yourself or making her realize how this and that hurts you. This has everything to do with boundaries and one side not respecting them.

[Lilylis]

I can relate to the frustration you must be feeling in this situation… it really is heart breaking to feel like your partner who means everything to you doesn’t see you as the only thing in the world they want and admire. It’s not a you issue, you’re reacting very well in my opinion, your trust and feeling safe in this relationship have been comprised, and you’re desperately trying to get that back but it’s hard because of her “ignorance” towards how you feel. Not trying to antagonise her, for some reason your conversations aren’t getting far and it seems it’s because she doesn’t listen and doesn’t understand the gravity to the situation and the impact it had on you. If she really is the one and she will always try to make you happy and loved, you’re the only one getting her attention and administration. You need to find that in your relationship again and in the way she feels about you. There’s things she does which reinforce your negative feelings constantly. That’s why you can’t let it go, it’s very much on her because she doesn’t get it. Just remind yourself that she loves you and these “slip ups” don’t mean much, don’t look to deep into them. Also if she loves you she will listen, don’t feel like you have to keep it to yourself to not make her mad- you don’t. Tell her, ask her what she feels when you talk about this and what you should do when you feel like this again- because you will. You just need to go through it together. Also you’re strong, most people would develop resentment and make life difficult for your partner- you’re dealing with this in a very healthy way for the both of you. But also remember you’re the one hurt here- your feelings matter so let yourself feel all the emotions don’t try to hide them or feel bad for her. Relationships therapy or coaching sounds like a good option to fix things smoothly. Look online at what you can find. Hope she really is the one for you and this isn’t gonna be a big heartbreak.

[Vesna]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

She doesn't understand why you're so hurt?  It sounds to me that you're disrespected because you wouldn't do that to her.  How would she like it if you were to be with a female stripper?  By the time you came home to your wife,  would she support this entertainment for you?  🤨

How would she feel if you became very defensive and shut her down?  How would she feel if you seem to listen yet it meant nothing to you?  How would she feel if you were messaged by a female work colleague on Instagram?  Would this constant correspondence be fine with your wife?  Or, would it make her feel uncomfortable and disrespected because you wouldn't do this to her out of consideration and because this is not your character?

How would your wife feel if you were going on about "HOT" mothers you work with?  Would she enjoy hearing these comments from you after your day at work?  Then you would add that's there's this really "HOT" one and really let her know about how "HOT" these women are.  Would your wife enjoy hearing your description of how "HOT" these female colleagues of yours are? 

How do you make her more sensitive to how you're feeling?  Maybe you ought to try a little experiment and see how she feels if she received a taste of her own medicine.  When the shoe is on the other foot, she'll suddenly sing a different tune.  😉 

Some people can dish it out but they can't take it.  😒 🙄

You get your self confidence back when you realize there are two sets of rules here.  🫢One for your wife and another rule for you.  Now would you call that fair? 

Love is respecting each other meaning treating each other the way you would like to be treated. 

If you disagree about moral values,  principles,  habits,  how to celebrate,  whom to associate with,  how to speak,  write,  how to think,  etc.  these are key and core fundamental beliefs which make or break all relationships.  It's about integrity and treating each other with dignity.  Nothing else matters.

I totally agree with all that you wrote here. You are absolutely right!

 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Lilylis said:

you doesn’t see you as the only thing in the world they want and admire.

I think if he wanted that he wouldn't be with a person who even attended that sort of event. I don't think she admired the stripper and I don't think she wants the man at work in place of her husband. I think it's unrealistic to expect that your partner will never be attracted to anyone else and in fact the wedding vows- the traditional ones -reflect that reality- they are a promise to be faithful and not act on feelings of attraction or admiration by having sex outside the marriage not a promise never to feel attracted to or admire anyone else.  

For sure if he wants a partner who only attends to him then she shouldn't have a job outside of the home either.  He seems happy she works outside the home.

I think the issue is he already was feeling insecure about his having gained weight and/or being out of shape and then she crossed lines in their marriage by interacting with the stripper and having it videoed- sounds like there was an understanding that this was going too far.  It's also tacky for someone to reference how hot their colleagues are in front of a partner -unless the couple enjoys that sort of thing -for some it is a turn on.  Cumulatively this just fueled things and I do think there is some overreaction on his part because of his internal insecurities.

I'm not sure about her work environment but in mine I avoid personal  texts with men I work with -unless you count giving recs for where to eat in my hometown he was going to travel to -and I think then my husband was in on giving recs).  I avoid personal emails or phone calls beyond sometimes emailing about family stuff, travel plans but typically because it also affects things we may be working on together. It's friendly professionally, and if we end up being friendly outside the office, great and that can be done 100% appropriately.  The OP's wife is crossing the line and objectifying colleagues as "hot Dad" could really sabotage her job - even if it's "accepted" all you need is someone's spouse seeing that and getting upset and/or an employee who changes his mind about wanting to see that sort of comment.

To respond to what Kwok28 wrote -no double standard from me.  At all.  Would say the same if was a woman posting about her husband.

[Lilylis]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think if he wanted that he wouldn't be with a person who even attended that sort of event. I don't think she admired the stripper and I don't think she wants the man at work in place of her husband. I think it's unrealistic to expect that your partner will never be attracted to anyone else and in fact the wedding vows- the traditional ones -reflect that reality- they are a promise to be faithful and not act on feelings of attraction or admiration by having sex outside the marriage not a promise never to feel attracted to or admire anyone else.  

For sure if he wants a partner who only attends to him then she shouldn't have a job outside of the home either.  He seems happy she works outside the home.

I think the issue is he already was feeling insecure about his having gained weight and/or being out of shape and then she crossed lines in their marriage by interacting with the stripper and having it videoed- sounds like there was an understanding that this was going too far.  It's also tacky for someone to reference how hot their colleagues are in front of a partner -unless the couple enjoys that sort of thing -for some it is a turn on.  Cumulatively this just fueled things and I do think there is some overreaction on his part because of his internal insecurities.

I'm not sure about her work environment but in mine I avoid personal  texts with men I work with -unless you count giving recs for where to eat in my hometown he was going to travel to -and I think then my husband was in on giving recs).  I avoid personal emails or phone calls beyond sometimes emailing about family stuff, travel plans but typically because it also affects things we may be working on together. It's friendly professionally, and if we end up being friendly outside the office, great and that can be done 100% appropriately.  The OP's wife is crossing the line and objectifying colleagues as "hot Dad" could really sabotage her job - even if it's "accepted" all you need is someone's spouse seeing that and getting upset and/or an employee who changes his mind about wanting to see that sort of comment.

To respond to what Kwok28 wrote -no double standard from me.  At all.  Would say the same if was a woman posting about her husband.

I think what’s important to point out here is that everyone has different expectations and standards when it comes to their partners, depending on what their love means to them. Physical attraction is indeed natural and maybe unrealistic to think it wouldn’t happen between a partner and someone else, but in this case that attraction is maybe an observation, a remark like “he has nice eyes” or “he’s quite tall and built” etc. It’s more something that catches your attention, rather than something you think about and bring it up in conversation or tell your friends about. In that case it is a big issue, for me it would be at least. When you really have strong romantic feelings for someone you only have them on your mind and they’re the most attractive to you, even if maybe they’re not “objectively attractive”. That’s why it hurts when we see the person act otherwise, we feel like those strong romantic feelings are faded, and our love is not reciprocated anymore. It’s painful.