Bf's ex died, questions arising

[somechick99]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

He lost his father.  If I had just lost mine, I wouldn't remember who'd be texting and reaching out; they'd be many people, including exes like I have with the loss of his mom whom I really cared about.

So in Feb and March, you've become exclusive, but was texting his ex in January, the month his dad died, prior to you two being exclusive, but they haven't text for months now through her recent death.

Again, why is he a giant dirt bag? Because they texted a bit when his dad died before you were exclusive?  And because the trauma of losing his dad is making things foggy on exact dates?

Sigh.  Look up self-sabotage.  I'd cut him some slack.  And her some slack - cuz afterall, she's dead.

I don't see this relationship lasting.

In Feb/March we met and started dating. Unbeknownst to me, he was still texting her that whole time - we became exclusive in April. I didn't realize it had been this recent ex he was messaging with until his timelines didn't add up and it clicked in my head that it was probably her with the hearts next to her name. This made it clear to me that I was more of a rebound than I realized, and that there was overlap with a relationship he insisted was completely cut off 2 months before I even met him. He then gaslit me about the text messages that I know I saw on multiple different occasions, and on top of that, made the mean remark.

That's why I'm pissed at him. It changes the entire dynamic of those first few months with him. And this is a guy with a lot of friends and family in the area - it seems unlikely an ex who dumped him over a month ago and dated only a few months would be the one person to come over and comfort him upon his father's death. There's simply too much that doesn't make sense here.

I hope that clears things up a bit. It's done now.

 

[TeeDee]

48 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

For the record, my ex spouse just died on Sunday and it was a heavy blow, though no torch was being carried and I'm happily partnered up and have been for years.   

Not trying to thread jack but condolences on your loss. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, somechick99 said:

In Feb/March we met and started dating. Unbeknownst to me, he was still texting her that whole time - we became exclusive in April. I didn't realize it had been this recent ex he was messaging with until his timelines didn't add up and it clicked in my head that it was probably her with the hearts next to her name. This made it clear to me that I was more of a rebound than I realized, and that there was overlap with a relationship he insisted was completely cut off 2 months before I even met him. He then gaslit me about the text messages that I know I saw on multiple different occasions,

@somechick99fwiw this^ is precisely why when the truth is pretty much staring me right in the face, I don't bother confronting or worse interrogating.   

I mean seriously, when you already know the truth based on your own intuition, observations and perceptions, why bother?  Do you honestly believe he's going to tell you what's really happening, what you already know is the truth?

No, typically not, he's going to gaslight you and lie to you just like he did.  Which only resulted in you becoming aggravated, pissed off and made to feel like an idiot. 

That said, I suppose the positive is that it did confirm what you already knew, so in that sense, it was a good thing and you can dump with a clear conscience.  That's fair.

Anyway, I don't think we got off on the right foot and I wanted to clarify my own thought process about it.  You did what was right for you.

1 hour ago, somechick99 said:

There's simply too much that doesn't make sense here.

Absolutely agree!!

I know you said you're done, but how did you leave things?   Do you plan on ending things?

 

  

 

 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, somechick99 said:

I get it, I'm the bad guy here for piecing two and two together at a time when he was grieving. Grieving is not an excuse to gaslight me, lie and be callous. It may sound petty because the story involves timelines and emojis but at the end of the day the fact he was BSing me is not a petty issue. 

No I don't really think that you're the bad guy.  I agree mostly with the other poster who said that if you have a lot of suspicions and questions, this relationship is already doomed.  You don't even need to try to parse together timelines or check emoji counts.   

This was not going to work out and now it's done.

For the record, though, I don't think it's wise to keep very close track of timelines about what happened before "we" met or were exclusive.   If someone said they had broken up in January but I found out it was February I woudn't think they were trying to put something over on me.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

For the record, my ex spouse just died on Sunday and it was a heavy blow, though no torch was being carried and I'm happily partnered up and have been for years.   

So sorry to hear this.  May her memory be for a blessing.  

[somechick99]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

No I don't really think that you're the bad guy.  I agree mostly with the other poster who said that if you have a lot of suspicions and questions, this relationship is already doomed.  You don't even need to try to parse together timelines or check emoji counts.   

This was not going to work out and now it's done.

For the record, though, I don't think it's wise to keep very close track of timelines about what happened before "we" met or were exclusive.   If someone said they had broken up in January but I found out it was February I woudn't think they were trying to put something over on me.

I wouldn't think so either on that basis alone. In this case, he told me they had been out of contact for 2 months during our first weeks together, and was still talking to her at the time he said this to me. If I had brushed over the timeline issue, this would never have come to light.

My intuition knew something was off and his mismatched stories filled in the blanks.

 

[somechick99]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@somechick99fwiw this^ is precisely why when the truth is pretty much staring me right in the face, I don't bother confronting or worse interrogating.   

I mean seriously, when you already know the truth based on your own intuition, observations and perceptions, why bother?  Do you honestly believe he's going to tell you what's really happening, what you already know is the truth?

No, typically not, he's going to gaslight you and lie to you just like he did.  Which only resulted in you becoming aggravated, pissed off and made to feel like an idiot. 

That said, I suppose the positive is that it did confirm what you already knew, so in that sense, it was a good thing and you can dump with a clear conscience.  That's fair.

Anyway, I don't think we got off on the right foot and I wanted to clarify my own thought process about it.  You did what was right for you.

Absolutely agree!!

I know you said you're done, but how did you leave things?   Do you plan on ending things?

 

  

 

 

Thanks for clarifying. I ended things, and he gave me some BS about how he can't force me to believe him and I'll never understand how much he cares about me, and basically brushed off the comment as coming out wrong. I told him the comment was not just an oopsie slip-up and that it was absolutely vile, and not to bother me again until he's ready to tell the truth.

Honestly though, there's not really anything he can do to fix this at this point. Even if he comes clean, it's too little too late, and his continued contact with this ex totally changes what I thought I signed up for.