Bf's ex died, questions arising

[somechick99]

 am still in a bit of shock right now so am not seeing things clearly, please weigh in. I'll preface by saying I understand that my bf's ex dying has nothing to do with me and is not about me. Please just read on and I'll explain.

I've been dating my current bf (both early 30s) for just under 4 months. The first month or so that we dated, I saw in his messages that he was texting someone with a couple hearts next to their name. (I did not go through his messages, it was blatantly visible from his messages screen when he would pull out his phone). More specifically, 3 red hearts. I saw this maybe...4 or 5 times? Each time it would be a message towards the top, and happened on different days. This eventually stopped and I never brought it up with him because we were not deemed exclusive during that time.

Another important piece of info - on one of our first dates, I asked him when his last relationship ended, what happened etc. He told me it ended in December (I met him late February/early March) and they only dated for 4 months and he was totally over it. He claims she left him because she still had feelings for her ex and felt it wasn't fair to him. On a side note, he writes music and he briefly mentioned missing her in a song he wrote only about 2 weeks before we met. He assured me this was just part of songwriting, he is totally over her and they have not been in contact at all since the breakup (this all came up well over a month ago).

Well, today he calls me and says that this is really awkward, but this most recent ex of his died a couple days ago - he found out because a friend of hers reached out to let him know. I assured him that he can talk to me about it, and I understand that each person we date is special us in their own way even if we aren't a good fit for them. The confusion didn't arise until he mentioned that she was there for him the night his father passed away. His dad passed away the last week of January.

I asked "Oh, I thought you said you guys cut contact after the breakup?" and he assured me that outside of coming over to comfort him the night of his father's death, they were not in contact. He claims she actually sent him a message telling him they should not keep talking after that night and so he deleted her out of his phone. Side note - he does not have social media, so news like deaths etc would have to have been communicated directly to be found out.

At that point, I remembered the conversation with hearts next to the name that popped up repeatedly when we were first seeing each other. Obviously, I wondered if this was her. I asked him if this was the case and he is just totally playing dumb. He says he has no memory of ever texting anyone with hearts next to their name, and even took his phone out and scrolled through his messages and there was nothing like that there. The thing is, I saw it enough times that I know I didn't just make this up.

He was apologetic about the situation with the hearts even though he claims that didn't happen/he has no memory? Personally, if someone suspected I was lying and I wasn't, I'd be pissed/hurt and the last thing I would do is apologize.

He also said "I only had one heart next to her name, not three, and I never put hearts next to someone's name unless I'm very serious about them. No offense but there's not even a heart next to your name." Ouch, that one hurt.

Is there any possibility he's telling the truth here or what? He did write that song about missing her a couple weeks before we met, so maybe they really weren't talking after that point....but that still doesn't explain how he "doesn't know" who he was texting throughout the month?

It seems this relationship is probably over no matter what way it's being looked at, especially with his comment. Insight is still appreciated.

[Starlight925]

How did she die?

[Batya33]

Yes how did she die and are you sure she passed away.  How awful of him to make that heart comment to you.  I think he has been in contact and my sense is that even though they only dated properly for 4 months -did he know her prior -maybe they were having an "affair" so that it's a longer interaction. If he found out from a mutual friend that's not typical of such a short relationship.  Is he attending any funeral or service for her?

This doesn't sound right to me.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, somechick99 said:

It seems this relationship is probably over no matter what way it's being looked at, especially with his comment. Insight is still appreciated.

He's proven he's not honest nor trustworthy in regards to his relationship with his ex and with you.

I agree.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, somechick99 said:

Is there any possibility he's telling the truth here or what? He did write that song about missing her a couple weeks before we met, so maybe they really weren't talking after that point....but that still doesn't explain how he "doesn't know" who he was texting throughout the month?

 

Eh, he knows who he was texting. He just lied to you.

I think the better question is "Is he still hung out on her?". I mean, rhetorically speaking, now it maybe doesnt matter as she is quite literally dead. But in the grand order of things, yes he was still hung out on her. He wouldnt still have heart next to her name or write a song about her if he wasnt. 

How does it reflect on your relationship? Well, he still managed to move on and be with you. But he still hasnt healed from his last relationship. Which in turn created the issues in question. Lying, even in the context of you maybe not getting mad at him, is still a bad thing. And its quite telling that he has a heart next to her name. But not to yours. He still hasnt moved on completely. Nore managed to focus on you and yours relationship. And given that now she is dead, dont think that would help the cause. First few months are crucial from the side that its months where you bond the most. Sadly, that bonding in your case has been cut off by him literally messaging and probably still loving other woman. So, I dont think this relationship has bright future, sorry.

[TeeDee]

I had been dating my now husband for 6 weeks when my EX passed away.  The EX & I dated for about 2 years & it had been over for 18 months before I met DH.  But I had gone to HS with the EX & knew his whole extended family.  I also worked with a number of his family members.  

He died under tragic circumstances & I was devastated at his passing.  My heart particularly broke for his teenaged son who reached out to me hours after his father's death. 

I was so upset I forgot to call the cute guy I had just started dating to cancel our date for that night.  So, when the cute new guy shows up for our date I'm still in my PJs & you can tell I've been crying.   

I had to explain to the new guy what happened.  I said that although I did not want my EX back, I did want him to be alive.  DH assured me that he understood my grief at the loss of a childhood friend & of course it's upsetting when somebody you used to love is no longer on this earth.  I fell in love with my husband in that moment because he was so compassionate. 

I'm sorry your BF isn't being honest with you about his interactions with this EX.  He is obviously grateful for her compassion around his father's death & her death is all mixed up in that grief in his head & heart.  IMO you are trying to make his grief into something about you, which it's not.  He needs support not an inquisition.  

[somechick99]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

How did she die?

Boating accident. I was able to verify via news article that he is not making her death up. 

[smackie9]

It's a situation of timing. Yes he still had feelings for her, but not enough to stay together. You two started dating way too early after the breakup so when you do that, you take your chances. Remember people do down play to stay out of trouble and that is what he's doing. Nothing you can really do about it now, whether he confesses or sticks to his story, it's not going to make much difference. So you either stay the course and keep dating and see where it takes you, or punt him to the curb and be done with it....don't keep trying to find the truth, you have seen it pretty much for yourself, so now make a decision. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

He needs support not an inquisition.  

I agree with this^ and thought that upon first read. 

Regardless of whether he still has feelings for her, you're his girlfriend not his interrogator.

He should never have been placed in the position of defending his actions, why he placed a red heart after her name, or why he did or has done anything else for that matter as far as the ex is concerned.

After only four months, if/when you're unhappy with what you've observed, or you suspect something untoward, wish him well and walk.

It's way WAY too early in for so much drama.

I think this RL is probably done but for next time.  

JMO

 

[catfeeder]

That was a crappy thing to say. At this point I wouldn’t care who it was.

[Cherylyn]

He's a shady,  complicated liar.  You need to dump him.

[Coily]

So let me get this straight.

Guy gets dumped by ex, who was there for him when his dad died. She insisted on calling it off after that. While he's single he writes a line in a song about an ex.

OP sees  hearts with someone (possibly the ex) in a text before they are exclusive, then brings it back up after the ex has died. Then interrogates the guy about symbols by names?

Meanwhile we're over here "Did the ex die?" "He's just a lair" Really?

OP, while you have every right to be concerned about how committed he is to the relationship; this is a bit disconcerting that this death needs to be verified. Yeah he's not painting himself as a great guy with the:

10 hours ago, somechick99 said:

He also said "I only had one heart next to her name, not three, and I never put hearts next to someone's name unless I'm very serious about them. No offense but there's not even a heart next to your name."

I think there is a lot more to this than is being put on the table.

[somechick99]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with this^ and thought that upon first read. 

Regardless of whether he still has feelings for her, you're his girlfriend not his interrogator.

He should never have been placed in the position of defending his actions, why he placed a red heart after her name, or why he did or has done anything else for that matter as far as the ex is concerned.

After only four months, if/when you're unhappy with what you've observed, or you suspect something untoward, wish him well and walk.

It's way WAY too early in for so much drama.

I think this RL is probably done but for next time.  

JMO

 

I didn’t ask him anything until his timelines weren’t adding up, because once I realized they were in contact longer than he let on, it clicked in my head that his ex was the girl he was texting the first month or so of us being together. And that makes me see things completely differently than if it was some random hookup or something, since I would clearly have been a rebound. At that point I needed to know and the fact he’s a liar came out. It’s not my job to support someone emotionally who lies to my face. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, somechick99 said:

It’s not my job to support someone emotionally who lies to my face. 

No it's not, again you simply wish him well and walk away. 

You don't need proof he's a liar, there was no need to confront him.  The mere suspicion that he lied causing you such concern you needed to literally interrogate him about it was enough to dump. 

The discussion you had with him about the timeline and hearts was a bit ridiculous, again just dump him when you're questioning things this much after only four months and not even exclusive.

This has been discussed so many times on this forum but these early stages are for observing behavior to determine if someone is the right fit for long term.

Confrontations and questioning are for when you're already in an established relationship and trust has already been established. 

The guy is no saint but I'm shocked he even responded your questions and proceeded to defend himself. 

Like you were his mother questioning her child.

Not a good look for either of you imo.

 

 

[somechick99]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No it's not, again you simply wish him well and walk away. 

You don't need proof he's a liar, there was no need to confront him.  The mere suspicion that he lied causing you such concern you needed to literally interrogate him about it was enough to dump. 

The discussion you had with him about the timeline and hearts was a bit ridiculous, again just dump him when you're questioning things this much after only four months and not even exclusive.

This has been discussed so many times on this forum but these early stages are for observing behavior to determine if someone is the right fit for long term.

Confrontations and questioning are for when you're already in an established relationship and trust has already been established. 

The guy is no saint but I'm shocked he even responded your questions and proceeded to defend himself. 

Like you were his mother questioning her child.

Not a good look for either of you imo.

 

 

He was literally my boyfriend - we've been exclusive for awhile. I was fully ready to support him until his timelines didn't add up. I don't regret asking or the web of lies would not have come to the surface (there are many not even listed on here that all came out due to this).

Anyways, it's over now, thanks to all who replied. 

[tattoobunnie]

He lost his father.  If I had just lost mine, I wouldn't remember who'd be texting and reaching out; they'd be many people, including exes like I have with the loss of his mom whom I really cared about.

So in Feb and March, you've become exclusive, but was texting his ex in January, the month his dad died, prior to you two being exclusive, but they haven't text for months now through her recent death.

Again, why is he a giant dirt bag? Because they texted a bit when his dad died before you were exclusive?  And because the trauma of losing his dad is making things foggy on exact dates?

Sigh.  Look up self-sabotage.  I'd cut him some slack.  And her some slack - cuz afterall, she's dead.

I don't see this relationship lasting.

[shouldhavelearned]

Be glad you found out early 

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, somechick99 said:

 At that point I needed to know and the fact he’s a liar came out. It’s not my job to support someone emotionally who lies to my face. 

You don't have to support a liar.  You know he lied.  So you broke up with him.   That's your boundary & he crossed it. 

The way you phrased it & categorized it, you were making this woman's death about you.  It's not.  Her death may be the reason you realize you think he's shady but her death didn't make him shady.   

What he lied about isn't as important as the fact that he lied and you found out.   Again, that is your boundary & he crossed it. 

It may be true that you were more of a rebound then you thought you were but other than saying something crass / mean about the lack of hearts by your name, I don't the timeline being all that horrible.  He was & probably still is grieving his father.  Now he's also dealing with her death.  That is a lot of death in 6 months.  I didn't see your fledgling relationship surviving not so much because of any unforgivable sin on his part but because you seem to lack empathy.  

It's done so you are free to move on.  

[somechick99]

28 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

You don't have to support a liar.  You know he lied.  So break up with him.  

The way you phrased it & categorized it, you were making this woman's death about you.  It's not.  Her death may be the reason you realize you think he's shady but her death didn't make him shady.   

What he lied about isn't as important as the fact that he lied and you found out.   

It may be true that you were more of a rebound then you thought you were but other than saying something crass / mean about the lack of hearts by your name, I don't the timeline being all that horrible.  He was & probably still is grieving his father.  Now he's also dealing with her death.  That is a lot of death in 6 months.  I don't see your fledgling relationship surviving not so much because of any unforgivable sin on his part but because you seem to lack empathy.  

You just said he lied, then said there was no unforgivable sin on his part. Using me as a rebound and lying about multiple issues, PLUS gaslighting is an "unforgivable sin" to me. I'm not obligated to be empathetic at that point. I have been there for him through a lot. I owe him nothing further now.

[TeeDee]

Since that sin was unforgivable to you, you were right to break up with him. 

What I'm saying is that IMO it wasn't so much of a lie as an attempt to downplay the situation.  To me it's kind of a grey area & to me much less problematic then him cheating.  Whatever happened occurred before you entered the picture & it was all mixed up due to the father's death. 

The more troubling part to me would have been rebound aspect not the timeline per se.  But I'm not you.  You have done what is best for you & that gets to be the end of it.  

[Jaunty]

Wow.  Just imagine the "good old days" when nobody was going to track exactly what month somebody stopped talking to their ex (as long as it was before "we" started dating), nobody was going to make any decisions based on what popped up on a phone screen (because phones didn't have screens - and the only way you would even know if someone called you was if you answered the phone, or they told you they had) and there were no such things as "emojis" that would be tallied and considered when deciding whether to break up or carry on with someone.  

IMO this guy's big crime was saying that you didn't have hearts after your name, and that's really a shame.  I mean it was douchey for him to say that but he was probably livid - that's two significant losses in a few months.

For the record, my ex spouse just died on Sunday and it was a heavy blow, though no torch was being carried and I'm happily partnered up and have been for years.   

Also for the record - definitely you're doing the right thing for yourself by breaking up.  Absolutely no future for you here.

[somechick99]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Wow.  Just imagine the "good old days" when nobody was going to track exactly what month somebody stopped talking to their ex (as long as it was before "we" started dating), nobody was going to make any decisions based on what popped up on a phone screen (because phones didn't have screens - and the only way you would even know if someone called you was if you answered the phone, or they told you they had) and there were no such things as "emojis" that would be tallied and considered when deciding whether to break up or carry on with someone.  

IMO this guy's big crime was saying that you didn't have hearts after your name, and that's really a shame.  I mean it was douchey for him to say that but he was probably livid - that's two significant losses in a few months.

For the record, my ex spouse just died on Sunday and it was a heavy blow, though no torch was being carried and I'm happily partnered up and have been for years.   

I get it, I'm the bad guy here for piecing two and two together at a time when he was grieving. Grieving is not an excuse to gaslight me, lie and be callous. It may sound petty because the story involves timelines and emojis but at the end of the day the fact he was BSing me is not a petty issue. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, somechick99 said:

He was literally my boyfriend - we've been exclusive for awhile. I was fully ready to support him until his timelines didn't add up. I don't regret asking or the web of lies would not have come to the surface (there are many not even listed on here that all came out due to this).

Anyways, it's over now, thanks to all who replied. 

You posted earlier you were not exclusive, but whatever, I still stick to my original opinion.

That said, if you're okay with interrogating boyfriends to obtain "proof" of what you already know or should know based on observations and your own intuition, have at it..  It's not how I conduct my relationships especially so early in (first six months give or take).  Whether exclusive or not.

I trust my own intuition and go with that.  I treat my boyfriends like grown men and when **I** am not feeling comfortable with whatever behavior I have observed, I LEAVE.  Utilizing my intuition and own basic common sense about the situation.  

I just want to say and this isn't to you specifically, but your behavior regarding this situation may be one reason why more and more men are feeling so emasculated and avoiding committed relationships.

No one should be confronting or interrogating their partners the way you did.  Grieving or not. Again I am shocked he responded attempting to defend himself as if he were your child.

Again you are his girlfriend NOT his mother.  Try and remember that in your next relationship.  

I am sorry this one didn't work out.

 

[somechick99]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You posted earlier you were not exclusive, but whatever, I still stick to my original opinion.

That said, if you're okay with interrogating boyfriends to to obtain "proof" of what you already know or should know based on observations and your own intuition, then that's your business.  It's not how I conduct my relationships especially so early in (first six months give or take).  Whether exclusive or not.

I trust my own intuition and go with that.  I treat my boyfriends like grown men and when I am not feeling comfortable with whatever behavior I have observed, I LEAVE.  Politely and graciously.  

I just want to say and this isn't to you specifically, but your behavior regarding this situation may be one reason why more and more men are feeling so emasculated and avoiding committed relationships.

No one should be confronting or interrogating their partners the way you did.  Grieving or not. Again I am shocked he responded attempting to defend himself as if he were your child.

Again you are his girlfriend NOT his mother.  Try and remember that in your next relationship.  

I am sorry this one didn't work out.

 

Haha, no. If someone gets caught in a lie, I am asking them about it. This gives them a chance to clear up any misunderstandings and either be honest or show their true colors. What nonsense to say these things shouldn't be addressed.

Maybe men lying about things then blaming women for asking questions about it is why so many women are avoiding committed relationships.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, somechick99 said:

Haha, no. If someone gets caught in a lie, I am asking them about it. What nonsense. 

Maybe men lying about things then blaming women for asking questions about it is why so many women are avoiding committed relationships.

Fair enough and yeah many women feel as you do, I don't.  Again I trust my own intuition, observations and common sense.  Again I am talking very early stages here (first 3-4 months), NOT a long term established relationship.

I don't waste my time or energy confronting and interrogating when the truth is staring me right in the face.  Doing so is complete waste of time and I have better things to do.

Anyway, again if you're cool with your actions, then so be.  Carry on and all the best moving forward.