yogacat Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 Their ex wife, who hates him BTW, is coming on this trip that they would be going on together? Sounds like he wanted you to *not* go, knowing that it would seem quite the awkward situation. If he had planned it and she happened to be on it, he would have definitely mentioned it long before it got to last minute. That's weird that his ex wanted to go on the hiking trip if she hated him. That doesn't look good for your (ex)boyfriend. Good you found out. My ex-fiance was unfaithful and I would never want to go on a hiking trip with him. Not because I "hate his guts" but because a) it would be weird and b) he would think it was an opening to reopen the door to a relationship (he tries every so often, but I am very happily moved on now). Who pops the news last minute that 1) his ex-wife is in the hiking group, 2) he’s divorced without previously mentioning any marriage/divorce during 2.5 months of dating? 'By the way, my ex hates me because I cheated, she will be there, and I want you to meet her!' So awkward! Or, maybe he wanted to make her jealous. Yikes. Bullet dodged. I'm sorry your trip was bamboozled. You made the right call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 5 Author Share Posted August 5 46 minutes ago, yogacat said: Their ex wife, who hates him BTW, is coming on this trip that they would be going on together? Sounds like he wanted you to *not* go, knowing that it would seem quite the awkward situation. If he had planned it and she happened to be on it, he would have definitely mentioned it long before it got to last minute. She didn't HATE him yogacat, not sure where you got that? I never posted that. As I said, she could not move past his cheating however it was many years ago and while they are not "friends" per se there is no bitterness between them and they remain cordial to each other. She is now happily in another RL. He told me he wasn't quite sure she WAS going until the last minute and that is when he told me. He had no other choice but to tell me at that point. He was quite upset when I chose to NOT go, texted or called every night while gone and came back early so we could talk as he knew I was troubled by it. Bottom line, the guy lacks integrity and he is weak imo. He allowed fear to steer his ship as he was "afraid" of my reaction to him being previously married (and divorced) and the knowledge that he cheated on his ex, given the fact MY ex-husband cheated on me which is essentially why (among other things) I left him. He is a coward in my eyes. Yeah it is REALLY good I found out! Better late than never! And like I said, try as I might to get past this and attempt to understand why he withheld that he had been previously married (which IS the issue), I simply don't view him in quite the same light as before and lost my attraction to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 5 Author Share Posted August 5 53 minutes ago, yogacat said: Sounds like he wanted you to *not* go, knowing that it would seem quite the awkward situation. Yoga, I got to thinking about this^ and you could possibly be right even IF as he said, he didn't know for certain she was going until the last minute. Which under the circumstances who knows if THAT is even true! Frankly I don't trust anything he says or said anymore, which is why I had to end it. Apparently he didn't trust ME either which is why he didn't tell me until he was forced to. Thank you for your comments, I appreciate your chiming in. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: She didn't HATE him yogacat, not sure where you got that? I never posted that. As I said, she could not move past his cheating however it was many years ago and while they are not "friends" per se there is no bitterness between them and they remain cordial to each other. She is now happily in another RL. He told me he wasn't quite sure she WAS going until the last minute and that is when he told me. He had no other choice but to tell me at that point. He was quite upset when I chose to NOT go, texted or called every night while gone and came back early so we could talk as he knew I was troubled by it. Bottom line, the guy lacks integrity and he is weak imo. He allowed fear to steer his ship as he was "afraid" of my reaction to him being previously married (and divorced) and the knowledge that he cheated on his ex, given the fact MY ex-husband cheated on me which is essentially why (among other things) I left him. He is a coward in my eyes. Yeah it is REALLY good I found out! Better late than never! And like I said, try as I might to get past this and attempt to understand why he withheld that he had been previously married (which IS the issue), I simply didn't view him in quite the same light as before and lost my attraction to him. I thought I read initially that you wrote she she hated him. 🤔 Misread I suppose... Glad you have come to a peaceful place with it all. Telling you he was formerly married would have been the more kind and considerate thing to do sooner rather than later. Especially if she was joining you both on the trip. I would call it a dealbreaker too if someone had not told me that they had been previously married and he cheated, because previous partners didn't like it when they told them. You can't put all women in the box because 1 or 2 didn't like he was married in the past. This would be the same for a woman too... It takes away agency to make your own decision given your past husband cheated on you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 5 Author Share Posted August 5 Thanks @yogacat. What is interesting is that this happened in a previous RL years ago too! I had been dating (in a RL) with a man for around 9 months. We were visiting his sister at her home, it was my first time being in her home. There was a picture of my then-boyfriend with a woman on her mantle and I asked her "who is the woman"? She replied, his ex-wife. What???!!!! Just like this situation, I never knew he had a ex-wife! He never told me he had been previously married and divorced. I recall creating a thread about this on another forum I was on and the general consensus was outrage, a dealbreaker and immediate DUMP. His reason was (I hope you are sitting down lol), he didn't think "it was a big deal." I was a lot more forgiving (stupid lol) back then and continued dating him after that, but came to realize he was deceptive in other ways too and eventually dumped him. Man I sure know how to pick em, don't I. Ugh. Yeah I need a major overhall in how I choose men although with this recent man, I honestly thought I had chosen wisely this time. It's a disappointment for sure but I am not broken by it and as you said yoga, I am glad this happened now and not later. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 Sorry things didn't work out. You absolutely made the right decision. How could you trust him after that? Once the trust is gone, its not going to be the same. If you're committed to the relationship, you have to be willing to face the fears and not take the easy way out. You need to be honest and say the hard things. That he couldn't shows he's not ready for something serious. You're handling it well. Far better then I probably would. Take all the time away from dating that you need. Love life on your own for awhile. Give these foolish guys a chance to catch up to where you are. You deserve someone special. Hoping one day it happens for you, but until then carry on being the cool person you are. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Yoga, I got to thinking about this^ and you could possibly be right even IF as he said, he didn't know for certain she was going until the last minute. Which under the circumstances who knows if THAT is even true! Frankly I don't trust anything he says or said anymore, which is why I had to end it. Apparently he didn't trust ME either which is why he didn't tell me until he was forced to. Thank you for your comments, I appreciate your chiming in. I feel you. Curious though, and not to play devil's advocate, but if he was initially forthcoming about his wife and how the relationship ended, would you continue seeing him? I'm bummed for you, and for also not going to Yellowstone National Park as I know how much you were looking forward to that trip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 22 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Which would have been okay (she was part of the hiking group) however, I had NO idea until that moment that he had an ex-wife! Or that he had been previously married! Where do you find them lol I simply dont know how he withhold that information thinking it wouldnt be a big deal later. I mean, sure, lots of questions. But couldnt he said "It didnt worked out"? Still not whole truth but not a lie as well. If you were serious about each other and you met friends, wouldnt friends maybe said anything about his last marriage? I live in a small town so things like that are not really a secret about anyone. So I get its easier to hide stuff in big California. But simply cant see how he thought not telling you about his ex wife wouldnt get discovered down the line. And how he thought it wouldnt be a big deal. Its simply too big of a lie(or just withholding the truth) for anybody to get over it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 6 Author Share Posted August 6 1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said: But couldnt he said "It didnt worked out"? Still not whole truth but not a lie as well. That is exactly what I was thinking!! All he had to say was he was previously married, and if I had probed further as to why (which I'm not sure I even would have!), if he didn't feel like telling me right at that moment that he cheated, he could simply have said he's not comfortable discussing it just yet and I would have respected that! Bottom line, the way I see it, he didn't trust me to respect his boundaries. He "assumed" that by telling me he was previously married I would dig deeper, asking uncomfortable questions (for him) just like his previous girlfriends did (or so he claimed). Thank you @Kwothe28 you hit the nail on the head with that one! 🙂 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.jpg.3e85d5d4c4ee969a7b00fd1045c3ab7d.jpg)
Recommended Posts