How often should you talk to/see each other if you're dating?

[goblin1]

I'm currently 28 years old, male, and this is my first time dating anyone, ever. I've been seeing this guy, 35, since about February. He seemed really nice and easy to talk to, we really hit it off when we first started talking.

 

He also has an extremely busy job with long hours and a long commute and a schedule that changes on a whim, so making plans is often difficult. The most he can do is come over once every 3-5 weeks or so, and we have a fun time together, but once we're not together it's almost impossible to talk to him. Because of his job and that he doesn't want to be glued to his phone, he rarely ever texts or calls since he is too exhausted. He will sometimes send a two or three-word text every few days when he can manage it, and maybe an hour-long call every 2 or so weeks. Even on days he has off from work, he doesn't like to be near his phone or answer texts and is often busy running errands or helping family or just relaxing, so I usually get ignored the entire day when I offer to hang out or just call and talk.

 

I totally get that it can be demanding and unreasonable for people to insist whoever they're dating has to be ready to hang out or talk 24/7, but I am starting to wonder if maybe this is just not enough talking... I really don't feel like I can even form enough of an emotional connection with this person sometimes to justify continuing to see them. I'm wondering if I am being unreasonable now and this is a common/normal experience when dating

[Cherylyn]

If both of you really like each other,  you'll have to be patient and wait every 3 - 5 weeks to see him and accept his phone limitations with you. 

If you're unhappy with this set up,  then perhaps he's not for you long term.  You have to either accept this situation as is with his job,  long hours,  long commute and his not wanting to be tethered to his phone.  Or, be with a guy who has normal work hours,  a reasonable commute,  preferably local,  preferably less commitments to his family,  sees you more than once every 3 - 5 weeks and engages in more phone contact.

Everyone's dating experience is different and they either accommodate everyone's schedules and lifestyles or they choose a partner who is more accommodating and has a more convenient daily life. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, goblin1 said:

The most he can do is come over once every 3-5 weeks or so, and we have a fun time together, but once we're not together it's almost impossible to talk to him.

Not reasonable for the majority of people who want a satisfying relationship. It sounds like you're a hidden side-piece. But if he in fact is a workaholic, he belongs with another just like him who is okay with barely getting together and barely talking. Why sacrifice what you want for who is almost a stranger to you?

The right relationship won't leave you frustrated. When I'd met the right man, we got together a few times per week which quickly progressed to sometimes 3 times a week. We spoke on the phone once at night and texted a few times in the day. I was happy with that. We matched. The secret to relationship happiness is to keep cutting the incompatible people loose to find the keeper.

[goblin1]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Everyone's dating experience is different and they either accommodate everyone's schedules and lifestyles or they choose a partner who is more accommodating and has a more convenient daily life. 

 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

The right relationship won't leave you frustrated. 

Thanks, I really just needed some type of perspective on this. I appreciate the advice!

[Batya33]

With rare exception I only dated extremely busy men and I was extremely busy -most typically we both worked in highly intense competitive environments with unpredictable schedules. I dated from around 1980-2005 (started grad school in 1991 and incredibly stressful full time work 1994-2009 - but I also had a first career that kept me busy after college).  I dated pre-internet, pre-cell phone.  If I was dating someone seriously typically -this is when you called on a landline or-once I worked in an office -left messages on voicemail etc - we spoke once or twice a week, saw each other two-three times a week if we were exclusive, more like once if we weren't in the first couple of months of dating.  Within the first 2-3 months if we were exclusive and serious we spoke almost every day if not every day and spent all weekend together plus a day during the week give or take.  

I had one more casual dating relationship in my late 20s -he was one year older, an investment banker who traveled a lot -I was busy finishing grad school and getting ready for exams.  We saw each other once a week.  We spoke once or twice a week and we dated for about 5-6 months.  It was right for me at that time of my life and we were not exclusive.  We did not have sex.  I didn't expect more because we were fine sort of dating/doing fun activities/hanging out with each other's friends but it wasn't really going anywhere and that is why we mutually ended it.  Nice guy.  Even when he traveled he still called me at least once a week even from overseas (a big deal in 1994!)

It also depends on the couple.  When I dated my future husband in my late 20s and again in my late 30s once we were an item -we spoke every day.  Skipped a day very very rarely.  We worked together so we had internal email in our late 20s.  In our late 30s we also emailed - I was a cell phone hold out! We were long distance a lot of that time and yet we spoke daily, we saw each other ever 10-12 days.  Even though we were both insanely busy.  I would not have been ok without having our nightly phone call -about like 20-40 minutes depending on what we wanted to catch up on. But others might have been.

I would not be ok with seeing someone that infrequently based on "too busy" at work.  It wouldn't sit right with me.

[TeeDee]

The correct amount of time to spend together is whatever works for the two people in the relationship. 

Once every 3-5 weeks works for him but it's not working for you. 

Busy people prioritize what is important to them & make time for that.  When I met my now husband, I had just opened my own company; had a PT job; served on 3 boards of trustees; & was on my way to being the state president of an organization.  On top of that I was the primary caregiver to my aging parents & I had a dog.  Still, I saw my then BF 2-3 times per week while he had a FT job, a PT job & was going to school on line.   

I don't really see your BF making an effort to spend time with you.  Never prioritize somebody who thinks of you only as an option.  

[smackie9]

Everyone has different expectations. This is something that should be discussed with your partner. If it's too conflicting, then you are not a match. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/25/2024 at 1:24 PM, goblin1 said:

The most he can do is come over once every 3-5 weeks or so, and we have a fun time together, but once we're not together it's almost impossible to talk to him.

I agree with others that every couple has their own dynamic with regard to how much time is spent together and talking in between dates.  There is no 'one size fits all' about that.

However, what's quoted above is a bit troubling imo.   You say he comes over once every 3-5 weeks, is that where you spend most of your time?  In your home?   Do you ever go out, does he plan fun dates and things for you to do together outside your home?

Does he spend the night?  Have you ever been to HIS home?

In other words, what is the 'quality' of your time together?  Versus the 'quantity' of time.

That is what I would be focusing more on.

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

The important thing is that both parties are happy with the frequency and, more importantly, quality of the time togeher. Some couples want to be in constant contact, others will be fine going days without hearing from each other. The question is what do you want and are you okay with any compromises that have to be made.

On 6/25/2024 at 1:24 PM, goblin1 said:

rarely ever texts or calls since he is too exhausted... Even on days he has off from work, he doesn't like to be near his phone or answer texts and is often busy running errands or helping family or just relaxing, so I usually get ignored the entire day when I offer to hang out or just call and talk.

He is too tired for a call but can run errands or "relax?' A call doesn't have to be a an hour long ordeal. It can be a quick chat. He doesn't have five minutes anywhere in the day to let someone he cares about know that he is thinking of them? He can't send a quick note to say he is missing you or looking forward to seeing you again?

I dislike using the phone as well. I can leave it turned off all day and be perfectly happy. But when it's someone I care about, I make the point to stay in connect. Showing a person they are important to me, helping them to feel loved, is more important then my need to have solitude. I find a way to make it work so both sides are happy. I call my mom once a week without fail. If my best friend/roommate is out of town, we still check in each night. And with someone I've been involved with, I've spent hours on the phone just because I liked to hear there voice. I wasn't too exhausted for it. It actually energized me and made me feel better.

It comes down to the fact that you aren't feeling valued in the relationship, that you aren't a priority in his life. If you feel this, there is a problem. Let him know. Figure out what would be a reasonable compromise for you. How much contact do you feel is right? Then ask for it. Let him know what you need to feel comfortable and secure. If he isn't willing to give it, then he's clearly not in the right space for a real relationship and you should be with someone who will pay you the attention you deserve.

[goblin1]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

However, what's quoted above is a bit troubling imo.   You say he comes over once every 3-5 weeks, is that where you spend most of your time?  In your home?   Do you ever go out, does he plan fun dates and things for you to do together outside your home?

We always spend it at my house and he sleeps over. We don't have much sex though as I don't really feel ready for it and he's been very understanding. Neither of us enjoys going out or being in public, so it's more comfortable for us to just do activities in the house, cook, talk, and cuddle.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, goblin1 said:

We always spend it at my house and he sleeps over. We don't have much sex though as I don't really feel ready for it and he's been very understanding. Neither of us enjoys going out or being in public, so it's more comfortable for us to just do activities in the house, cook, talk, and cuddle.

Yes do you think he enjoys it so he isn't seen with you in public and/or doesn't run into one of your friends or someone he knows -or where a photo could be posted on social media? Has he shown interest in having you meet his friends or family or meeting yours -have you suggested having people over for dinner -your people?

[goblin1]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes do you think he enjoys it so he isn't seen with you in public and/or doesn't run into one of your friends or someone he knows -or where a photo could be posted on social media? Has he shown interest in having you meet his friends or family or meeting yours -have you suggested having people over for dinner -your people?

I don't think it's like that, we live in totally different towns and I don't really have any friends or family here it would be possible to run into. I have lots of awkward and noticeable things about me that make me not have a desire to meet his friends really, I don't even know if he has many friends since he never mentions them and only talks about coworkers. Neither of us uses social media... I also don't think he would feel comfortable introducing me to his religious/homophobic parents and I don't have any interest in letting my family even know about him either, we just aren't that close with our relatives. I know it sounds weirdly secretive but we are just very introverted and private.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, goblin1 said:

I also don't think he would feel comfortable introducing me to his religious/homophobic parents

You really don't know him. He could be lying about this so you never expect to meet them.

 

1 hour ago, goblin1 said:

I don't really have any friends or family here it would be possible to run into. I have lots of awkward and noticeable things about me that make me not have a desire to meet his friends really

Did you just move there? What are the awkward and noticeable traits you're speaking of?

Isolating yourself by not seeking a social life besides a romantic partner will doom any success. You will likely settle, as in this case, because you have zero support system otherwise. And then if you bond with a new partner, it will be far more devastating if you break up when you are close to no one else in the world.

We all don't need to be extroverts and bubbly people-person's to accumulate a circle of friends. I've always been an introvert and am not everyone's cup of tea, but I've always had friends in my life. You can't smother someone in that he will will be the sole center of your universe. Usually partners also like it when their SO can expand their world, not make it small. It gets boring to just do stuff as a duo all the time. That's why many people go on double dates or hang out in a group.

I suggest you work on engaging in some activities that get you out into the world with hobbies/interests you can be passionate about. Could be book discussion groups, being a docent at a zoo or museum, taking an oil painting or watercolor class, cooking lessons, etc. You have to have a full life besides having a partner, which will show you're an independent interesting person, which will attract other mentally healthy people instead of predators seeking easy prey.

[rainbowsandroses]

I agree with @Andrinaand  @goblin1sorry to say but something sounds terrible off about the entire situation.

Of course there is no one size fits all but most if not all of what you described suggests he may be hiding things from you or prefers to keep your relationship secret.

It's NOT how a healthy functional relationship between two single people works from what I've observed and experienced.  

Also it's been six months.  Without getting too personal what is it about sexual intimacy that causes you such discomfort? 

Are you both comfortable with your sexual orientation?  Do each of your parents know? 

You don't have to answer here, but at least consider these questions within yourself, again something doesn't sound quite right about it. 

[Batya33]

I think in your situation and given your excuses and justifications and willingness to settle then every 3-5 weeks sounds fine - especially since neither of you is willing to plan actual outside dates, to meet each other's people, to explore new places -like a day trip, to go see performances etc then this frequency sounds right. It doesn't sound right for building towards anything serious or long term but that's your choice - you just said you are dating/seeing him and haven't mentioned wanting anything long term. Sounds like a casual dating situation and if you tried to increase frequency it could get really boring given how limiting your activities are and your self-imposed limitations.

[LotusBlack]

My ex-husband worked (and still works) 7 days a week, all year long - with the exception of 4 weeks “off” a year. He is a research scientist (developmental biologist) and the nature of his work requires him to feed his cells every day, otherwise they risk dying and he loses months of research in a matter of hours.

When we met, I was doing a very intensive research masters degree at a highly demanding university, where they squeezed the typical 2 years into 11 months and no semester breaks. My time was super super busy.

My ex-husband’s daily routine during the week was and still is is to get up at 8am, start work at 9am in the lab, work until 7pm, cycle home and make dinner, then analyse his data and read/write research papers until 2am and then head to bed to do it all over again. Any down time he had was/is somewhere in those hours after dinner and between Independenzen research.

Despite that, when we were dating (and later when we became a family), he would text throughout the week and my place was on the way home to his from his lab and he would stop by a couple of times a week and we’d make dinner together and wash up together and he‘d keep going to his place. We spent no more than an hour and he found a way to incorporate our relationship into his very busy schedule. On weekends he is only at the lab for about 3 hours and so we would plans little outings around that. If we wanted to do something a bit more of a time commitment, like go away for the night, he would have a colleague feed his cells for that one day. It didn’t happen often, but he was committed to our relationship. 

The point is, even the busiest of people have a way to prioritise that which is important. Everyone can make time if they want to and it can be as simple as a few minutes here and there to let someone they care about know that they are important to that person.

I would say your relationship goals are incomparable and, therefore, you and he are incompatible (unless you’re happy with the arrangement, but if you were you wouldn’t be posting here). Sorry, OP.

[yogacat]

I always disliked comparisons because each relationship is different and people approach their personal lives differently in that someone that works a lot might need more down time compared to someone who can keep operating all cylinders 7 days a week.

That said ---> seeing each other every 3-5 weeks and he has time for hour long calls and constantly with his family and he can't relax around you or anything? This is just being really looooow down on his priorities. 

He sounds.. disinterested. I'm glad his life is busy, that's an important quality that a lot of people don't have but there's diminishing returns on how busy someone can be and he is getting exactly what he wants, minimal time and effort.

You aren't happy, and you should move on. It's really that simple. He's either not willing to or not capable of giving you what you need in a relationship - you're incompatible.

And really, you aren't asking for much at all.

[ShySoul]

On 6/26/2024 at 4:40 PM, goblin1 said:

he's been very understanding. Neither of us enjoys going out or being in public, so it's more comfortable for us to just do activities in the house, cook, talk, and cuddle.

On 6/25/2024 at 1:24 PM, goblin1 said:

I really don't feel like I can even form enough of an emotional connection with this person sometimes to justify continuing to see them.

Answer the following questions just from the top of your head, without thinking or debating with yourself:

Are you comfortable with him? Do you feel an emotional connection? Is the time together fun and enjoyable? Do you feel that he shows you how much he cares for you? Is your happiness truly important to him? Are you a priority to him? Is your life better for having him in it?

If you can answer yes to those questions, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does. It is your relationship, with your own unique dynamic. If you are really happy in it, that's what counts.

If there is a no mixed in there but the rest are a yes, then talk to him about it. There is a middle ground between everything is perfect and there must be something fishy going on. Sometimes people just need a wake up call to realize they are doing something. If you need him to be in more contact, just say so. Communication is vital and most problems can be dealt with by honest, sincere conversation. It's almost always best to give it a full try and work on the issue together before making up your mind one way or the other.

[catfeeder]

Since the two of you aren’t at sexual risk of STI transmission, I’d consider raising with the guy that we can either be exclusive and see one another more often and communicate more frequently, or we can be casual and keep his current contact limits in place while also dating other people.

This means he can’t have it both ways. If he’s not willing to satisfy your desire for contact and closeness, then he can opt for part time status in your life while you explore additional opportunities.

It makes no sense to settle for crumbs from anyone who opts not to offer you what you want.

[poorlittlefish]

This guy could WhatsApp you when he's sitting on the toilet.  He could call you when he's walking to his desk or (hands-free) in the car.  He could make arrangements to meet you for a quick coffee while he's out doing errands or a walk in the park in the time when he wants to "relax"... but he doesn't.  Nobody who wants to be in a relationship with someone else is ever TOO busy for little things like that.  They MAKE time for the person they're interested in.

[Kwothe28]

I read somewhere that dating is like a second job now. As you need to make time to talk to and see another person. If he cant do that for you, then maybe he shouldnt date. I get that he maybe wants to have somebody, its the need of people to have somebody in their life. But if he cant make time for that somebody, then why date at all?

In fact, I can go even further. Now you are at the beginning so its maybe OK to see sporadically. But in future you would maybe want to see him more, maybe even live together. Do you think that somebody who see you every 5 weeks, would be a suitable partner for something like that? When he cant make time to even see you at least once a week. 

[tattoobunnie]

On 6/25/2024 at 4:24 PM, goblin1 said:

I really don't feel like I can even form enough of an emotional connection with this person sometimes to justify continuing to see them. I'm wondering if I am being unreasonable now and this is a common/normal experience when dating

Focus on this: He is not able to give you what you need.  It's not personal.  He is just not the right person.

It's not about what everyone else needs.  It's what works for you.  You do not have to keep dating everyone that says yes to a date.

 

[Cherylyn]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Never see each other and both of you will become extremely fond of each other.  😉