Looking for advice, wisdom

[takefiveely]

@rainbowsandroses I’ve never seen Goodfellas (movies aren’t my thing), but I do understand the point you’re trying to make.  My entire life has been unstable and there has been nothing I’ve craved more than stability.  I generally avoid drama because my childhood was filled with it.  When he and I have had passionate fights that’s partly why I push him away and we’ve gone through periods of time without seeing each other.  I don’t like the drama and I hate the conflict.  We recently realized we have different needs when we fight.  He needs to resolve it “now” and I need space to think about it before engaging.  We both made each other angrier because we were unable to understand each other’s needs.  We’ve recently talked about how we can better accommodate one another when conflict arises so neither of us feels ignored or misunderstood.  I think this is a huge win!  My hope is that we’ll do better now.  In fact, he was giving me financial advice last week.  I was deeply listening to what he had to say, so at one point, he said, “You’re being very quiet, I feel like I may have pushed you too hard.”  I smiled and responded, “not at all, just really taking in what you’ve said and processing it.”  He was checking in with me to make sure we weren’t heading in a bad direction.  That did my heart a lot of good and I think it had the same effect on him too.  It feels like progress!  Other areas still need some work, but it feels like things are trending in a positive direction.  I chose to get back in touch with him recently because it felt stupid and immature to avoid each other until we’re 80.  He told me his heart dropped when he saw my email and that he was so glad to hear from me.  He also told me he was intentionally giving me space which was the only reason he didn’t reach out to me first.  It was quickly obvious we both really missed each other.  
 

I understand what you’re saying about being sure it’s what I want and the possible changes that might occur.  You’re absolutely right about that.  It’s funny, I’ve often told him we’d kill one another if we were married.  He always responds, “that’s not how I picture it at all” and he then goes into how he perceives it (which is a much more normal type of relationship).  I find solace in his perception and am starting to think he may have been right all along.  However, I don’t take your words of wisdom lightly.  It’s definitely worthy of well thought out consideration.  Thank you for that.  😊

[rainbowsandroses]

@takefiveelyjust one more question before I skedaddle for the evening and I ask this question with absolutely no judgment whatsoever, no matter what the answer, I promise you.

Has your relationship been mostly conducted on line?  If not, how often have you/do you spend actual in person time together?  Do you live near each other or is it a long distance relationship?  Are these long intimate talks you have done in person, on line or on the phone?  

I am just trying to get a clearer picture of the dynamic between you, that's all.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like you are in general not available for an intimate serious romantic relationship and this person's unavailability is a safe way to yearn and pine and be emotionally intimate -but from a distance without being truly vulnerable. 

I am not saying this is you, however there IS truth to this^ comment for many people who fear in-person committed relationships in general.

It's an emotionally safe place for them to be and while yes you're able to express your feelings to this man and make yourself vulnerable in that regard, without actually communicating with him in person about what you want (a committed RL) and spending real time with him, in person, you are still living in that "safe emotional place" and essentially "unavailable."

So is HE.

Like tends to attract like so it's understandable.

Anyway, again just my opinion and I truly do wish you all the best and please keep us posted!  

I'm rooting for the both of you and truly hope it works out the way you envision and hope.

Good night. 💛

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Okay I just read your last post and wanted to respond.

47 minutes ago, takefiveely said:

My entire life has been unstable and there has been nothing I’ve craved more than stability.  I generally avoid drama because my childhood was filled with it.  When he and I have had passionate fights that’s partly why I push him away and we’ve gone through periods of time without seeing each other.  I don’t like the drama and I hate the conflict.

But yet you continue to return to just that (bolded) and have for 30 years.  Why is that?   

That's a rhetorical question for you to answer privately within yourself.

I realize this is probably sounding quite "heavy" but I have recently learned this myself.  I have learned we often return to what's familiar to us and what feels most comfortable due to our childhood experiences..  Even though we dislike it and desire something different for ourselves.

But whenever we encounter that difference (stability, peacefulness and calmness), we often run from it.  It's too scary, it causes us to feel "too vulnerable."

We feel more comfortable with the chaos no matter how much we may dislike it.  

We are constantly "on the run."  We run away from the chaos, drama and conflict (like you do when you push your guy away), we run away from stability, we then return to the chaos and drama, lather rinse repeat.  Might I suggest you stop running?  

I AM projecting a bit here and I apologize but as I said, I have recently learned this myself having been raised in a chaotic and abusive environment and although I have been in a few committed relationships and one marriage, I spent most of my adult life "on the run."  

Like I said, running away from the chaos and drama, finding peacefulness and stability and running away from that.  Back to the chaos and drama.

I am now learning with the help of my therapist and pastor to "stand still" with stability and peacefulness no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. 

I think it's important.

Time will tell if you're able to find that stability and peace with this man, I hope you do and that you're able to fight off any urge to run from it by creating chaos in whatever form or fashion.

You deserve happiness.

 

 

 

[takefiveely]

@rainbowsandroses Good question/valid question.  Over the past 30 years, 95% of our relationship has been in person!  He currently lives about 45 minutes away, not close but not far either - it’s doable.  Since we’ve reconnected, it’s been largely over the phone.  I told him I’m not sure if I’m ready to see him - largely because I know a surge of emotions will resurface if/when we do.  He is being patient with me.  I want to make sure we’re on the right page before we make plans to see one another again because I don’t want those emotions to interfere or cloud my rational brain. 

I appreciate your kind words, very much.  It’s a complicated situation for sure, but it does have some redeeming qualities.  He’s also a guy my family likes and everyone (not just family) always asks why it didn’t work out.  Not that it matters, but another interesting dynamic is that it’s an interracial relationship (he’s Asian American, born in Japan, raised in the US — and I’m white) which is not a dynamic that is seen very often (usually white male, Asian female).  Everyone really likes him, he’s a very personable, generous, intelligent and kind person.  

Good night to you too!  🙂

[takefiveely]

@rainbowsandroses Just saw your second post with the rhetorical question and I get what you’re saying and understand better what you mean now.  I also appreciate that your responses and questions come from a place of kindness.  I’m a real person with real feelings!  Love what you said about being still in the peacefulness and stability no matter how uncomfortable and this sounds like a worthy topic to bring up in my therapy sessions as well.  Haven’t even had a chance to discuss all this with my therapist yet but it’s on the agenda.  

I appreciate you 💚 and wish you luck on your healing journey as well. 😊

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, takefiveely said:

 If two people care about each other, is it not worth seeing if it will work?  

It depends.  Caring is not enough, love is not enough.  And with a 30-year investment and your mental health concerns which you see as obstacles to being direct with him about what you want to know about his intentions - seems to be not worth it.  IMO. Especially since "it" in the "will work" means a committed serious relationship -which over 30 years you've never had.  My husband and I tried again with almost 8 years in between but not just because we cared/felt a strong spark.  I considered why it ended the first time, whether our goals and values aligned for the second time around, and whether the risk of it not working out again was worth the potential benefit. 

That I cared about him, felt strongly was one of many factors.  Looking back I'm so glad I took all that into account especially because we have a teenager now who loves to see us close and caring about each other -it's so important to him to see two people in a healthful relationship - which requires love of course -but so much more/other qualities IMO.

[TeeDee]

14 hours ago, takefiveely said:

  We both prefer for things to happen organically and not planned which is why this is like an elephant in the room that neither of us is discussing.  

That's a cop out.  You two have to talk.  You also need to get right with yourself.  If kissing is too much for you & you stopped inviting him over because that was too intimate, I can't fathom what you want.  He's probably equally confused.  Talk to your therapist & move forward but move. 

This romanticized idea that things will happen "organically" is magical thinking & unrealistic.  If you want something or someone, go after them.  Stop sitting there wringing your hands & lamenting that nothing is happening.  You have the power to improve your situation; exercise that power. 

[Jaunty]

On 6/25/2024 at 11:39 AM, takefiveely said:

 .  I’m only concerned about the present moment.  

But you asked a question:  

Quote

Should I continue to wait / hope?

Well that question shows me that you are not only concerned about the present moment. 

The idea of "taking it slow" and letting it happen "organically" is not realistic in your situation.  

You've been taking it slow.  30 years.  Thats slow.  

I'm sorry about your PTSD and the issues that you are having around that but if you are not able to tolerate the intimacy of kissing, how will you handle a relationship, assuming that the man would want physical intimacy?

I hope that if you do choose to try for a relationship with this man, one where you are both committed to giving it a shot, you will just ask him for that.  Be ready for whatever his answer may be.   If it's not "yes," I would advise you to let go of this situation.  

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

 If it's not "yes," I would advise you to let go of this situation.  

I agree and yes with total enthusiasm and joy.  Otherwise it's not worth it IMO.

[catfeeder]

Thanks for your answer on the barriers. I’d decide what, exactly, I want in terms of a relationship. Clear goal—no more navel gazing. Then I’d explain this to him and ask whether his goal aligns with yours. If not , there’s your answer. If so, I’d skip the ‘organic’ sidestep and do the work.

Unless and until you’re both ready to do that, it’s all just noise.

Head high, and I hope you’ll let us know how things go.

[takefiveely]

Just a quick update.  Took the time this evening to put together a well thought out letter and invited him to talk about it.  I suspect he’ll be a little taken aback, but this will give him a little time to think before he responds.  I did mention that his response either way will have a big impact for going forward.  If it’s not what he wants, we need to cut ties.  If it is, we need to talk to determine how to move forward.  I have to work a long shift tomorrow so it might be sometime this weekend or early next week before we can really discuss anything.  What will be, will be. Appreciate all the thoughts and advice.  

[Batya33]

I think it's a fine approach.  And in your situation and after all this time if it's this complicated as far as whether you want to be together as a couple that you have to write a well thought out later, anticipate him being "taken aback" and that he needs time to respond - that is your answer.  On the really positive side I'm glad you wrote out your feelings, intentions, goals, standards and expectations.  That can be so helpful!

[Jaunty]

Are you willing to share here what you told him you want in a relationship with him?  I have to confess that I am soundly confused.   Also have to confess that I could never read your original post because of the weird formatting so I might be missing important facts.

Are you proposing to have a relationship that includes physical intimacy?   

Have you and this man had sex before?

Why do you have "passionate fights" with a person with whom you have an intermittent and seemingly peripheral connection, though I understand that your feelings about him are strong?

I do hope that whatever results from this letter brings you clarity and leaves you in a good place to move forward, whatever path that takes.