Why do people do this?

[Enya77]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

This is a big part of the problem in general (imo).  I once worked with an individual who never smiled, was always very sullen, never friendly etc etc ...... and guess what?  Almost every single person at work eventually just avoided him.  Everyone always tried to include him, were friendly to him etc, but with his sullen attitude it eventually pushed everyone away. 

When you never smile, people automatically step back because you give the vibe of "leave me alone".  It's very difficult to interact with a very negative person.  People get drawn to warm, friendly, happy people.

I still fail to understand why they make fun of me. I've witnessed people that were negative, no one did mess with them.

[Cherylyn]

Because you make yourself unapproachable.  People immediately sense an unfriendly attitude from you and no one enjoys being with a sour person.  A negative person makes others feel uneasy,  uncomfortable and wary. 

Try stepping outside of yourself and offer a kind word.  You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Enya77 said:

My counselors have never really wanted to dig into that issue. I'd bring it up and the subject would be changed. I personally think It comes from my social anxiety and having been bullied. I don't trust people. I can't smile or make jokes because I feel it comes out wrong. No matter how nice I try to be people always dislike me. I try to fix it, but it always fails. I try to change myself, but people still hate me.

You were bullied so don't trust people, which is fair. That causes you to put distance between yourself and others to protect yourself. That in turn is perceived as being cold and rude, even when its not your intent. So they respond by being cold or rude to you, which you see as more reason to not trust people. And the cycle repeats over and over.

A lot of people have been conditioned to expect the extrovert ideal. They believe everyone should be smiling, talkative, and joking. A person being quiet or reserved seems strange. They believe something is wrong with that person. Many will judge them by their standards of how a person should behave. So they throw out labels and assumptions like loser or arrogant. Rather then respecting you for the individual you are, they expect you to be the same as what they think people should be. They assume that because they are a certain way everyone must be that way.

To be clear, I'm not saying everyone is like that, but there are a good deal of people who judge others based on there standards and expectations, having nothing to do with who a person actually is.

I used to try to fit in, to change myself. It never worked either. So I stopped. You aren't broke, so why fix yourself? You are simply you, the person you were born as. You shouldn't have to change yourself or fit what others think you should be. They aren't changing themselves for you, so why do you always have to be the one to change for them?

The important thing is learning to accept and embrace yourself. Its not caring what others think and striving to be the person you naturally are. Its focusing on the things that make you happy and hopefully finding "your people" who share those interests and who you have a built in common ground. Its realizing that someone who is worth your time will see the real you inside and be okay with you however you are (as long as the person isn't hurting people which I know you aren't.) And its having confidence in yourself to know you are a good person, just the way you are.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Enya77 said:

I still fail to understand why they make fun of me. I've witnessed people that were negative, no one did mess with them.

In my experience, I don't understand it either. Some people seem to be a magnet for being picked on, while others who are negative or rude themselves seem to coast by just fine. I bonded with my best friend partly because of this. She too seems to get people who go out of their way to put her down or dismiss her ideas. And its not because of her behavior. She'll be extra nice and polite, joking and doing the standard social graces. Her past has made her very cautious and aware of the mean things people say, so she's always taking the most diplomatic and safest course to not cause waves. And yet, people still misinterpret or try to put her in her place.

The world isn't fair. Some people have to endure far more then they should. But its my belief those are the strongest people have all. They are special people who have a lot to offer this world. So don't lose hope. 

[Capricorn3]

On 6/25/2024 at 8:44 AM, Capricorn3 said:

If I may ask, in what way are you disabled? (Just trying to get a fuller picture of issues/circumstances).

^ I'll try this a third time.  OP, can you respond to the above please? Thanks.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Enya77 said:

I still fail to understand why they make fun of me. I've witnessed people that were negative, no one did mess with them.

Apples and oranges - you are an outsider and it depends on individual factors. And past interactions.  I feel differently around a person who is negative for a specific reason I know about - problems at home, a medical ailment, a migraine.  Or maybe it is directed at me and maybe it is based on my attitude.  Being kind and approachable -appropriate to the situation of course -goes a long way.  My mom did customer service work for many years and when I was very young she taught me -always answer the phone with a smile -back then there was no caller ID- all landlines - so her point was start off with a positive attitude so the person calling feels welcomed. (With caller ID of course you might speak very differently to your mom calling as opposed to a business call).

Make people feel comfortable in their own skin.  

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ I'll try this a third time.  OP, can you respond to the above please? Thanks.

Agree, the answer to this^ would be helpful.  If it's a mental disability (or even if it isn’t) allow me to present another scenario for you to consider. 

Given your distrust of people and general dislike of them, combined with your negative experiences of being bullied among other things, it's quite possible what you "hear" people saying (you're a loser) and what they actually "are" saying, are two different things. 

It's your perception that they believe you are a loser so this is what you perceive they're calling you behind your back. 

Our minds can play tricks on us like that sometimes especially if/when one has a mental disability.  Or even when we don't. 

Our perception is our reality but that does not necessarily mean it's always the truth.  

On 6/24/2024 at 1:37 PM, Enya77 said:

This is how most people say it. I've been called this by my mother, my dad, my sisters, aunt and grandma, the delivery worker and the dentist's assistant. Sometimes complete strangers. Actually, I'm hated and judged by strangers I've never even spoken to.

I'm not invalidating what you believe to be real and true but @Enya77, the delivery worker and dental assistant?  Strangers you have never even spoken to? 

I'm very sorry but something sounds terribly off about that and again supports the notion that it's your perception that they call you a loser, but in reality, how would you know this? 

I mean a delivery worker?  Strangers you've never even talked to?

If I may ask, when do they say this?  After the delivery person delivers your package?  Or a stranger passes you by on the street? 

You actually hear them say the words "She's a loser"?  Loud enough for you to hear? 

I agree with some others, people can sometimes be cruel and say cruel things but typically not strangers who have never spoken one word to us.  Or know anything about us.   Or delivered a simple package to our door.  Or checked us in at the doctor's office. 

Just curious, but are you under the care of a medical professional? 

For the record, I do NOT believe for one second that you're a loser. 

I believe you yourself may believe you are and as such believe everyone else in the world believes you are too and that this is what they're saying about you. 

But that does not make it real.

Again it's your perception, that little voice/voices inside you that speaks to you wreaking havoc on your thought process and poisoning it with negative thoughts.

Just my read on it, that's all. 

I wish you all the best @Enya77 truly.

Please take care of yourself, strive to be happy. 

 

 

[Batya33]

This morning I went to pick up my mobile order at that famous coffee chain but I went about an hour later than typical. So it was mobbed. And I had to wait for my order as did many. The barrista who called out the names was a big guy with kind of a booming actor voice. I’m sure he doesn’t love his job but you wouldn’t have known it. He called out those orders with a big smile as if the person was on a game show. I mean not that dramatic but his smile made it like the person was important. It was delightful. Everyone who approached to retrieve their order smiled back and this is in a busy office complex at around 9:10am. I smiled too and said thank you as always 

Consider what a different interaction this could have been if the employee had a resting “witch” face or called out names in an annoyed way etc. Maybe he’s just a positive person or maybe he made a choice to make the best of his job at a busy time of the morning. Sure you can tip on the app and he knows that but seemed to me that wasn’t the whole reason why.
 

A small interaction for sure but you know I bet at least some of of the office workers benefited by starting their morning on a positive note. It’s cumulative and pay it forward. And worth it to put in that small effort like he did. 

[Enya77]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree, the answer to this^ would be helpful.  If it's a mental disability (or even if it isn’t)  allow me to present another scenario for you to consider. 

Given your distrust of people and general dislike of them, combined with your negative experiences of being bullied among other things, it's quite possible what you "hear" people saying (you're a loser) and what they actually "are" saying, are two different things. 

It's your perception that they believe you are a loser so this is what you perceive they're calling you behind your back. 

Our minds can play tricks on us like that sometimes especially if/when one has a mental disability.  Or even when we don't. 

Our perception is our reality but that does not necessarily mean it's always the truth.  

I'm not invalidating what you believe to be real and true but @Enya77, but the delivery worker and dental assistant?  Strangers you have never even spoken to? 

I'm very sorry but something sounds terribly off about that and again supports the notion that it's your perception that they call you a loser, but in reality, how would you know this? 

I mean a delivery worker?  Strangers you've never even talked to?

If I may ask, when do they say this?  After the delivery person delivers your package?  Or a stranger passes you by on the street?  You actually hear them say the words "She's a loser"?

I agree with some others, people can sometimes be cruel and say cruel things but typically not strangers who have never spoken one word to us, I'm sorry.  Or delivered a simple package to our door.  Or checked us in at the doctor's office. 

Just curious, but are you under the care of a medical professional? 

For the record, I do NOT believe for one second that you're a loser.  I believe you yourself may believe you are and as such believe everyone else in the world believes you are too and that this is what they're saying about you. 

But that does not make it real.

Again it's your perception, that little voice inside you that speaks to you wreaking havoc on your thought process and poisoning it with negative thoughts.

Just my read on it, that's all. 

I wish you all the best @Enya77 truly.

Please take care of yourself, strive to be happy. 

 

 

I don't think I dislike people right off the bat, I only dislike them in response to their rudeness. I have disability for bipolar disorder. I don't know. I've been told that a lot. That It could be me being paranoid, but I don't believe that fully.

 

[Enya77]

Just now, Capricorn3 said:

^ I'll try this a third time.  OP, can you respond to the above please? Thanks.

Disabled for bipolar

[Enya77]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Because you make yourself unapproachable.  People immediately sense an unfriendly attitude from you and no one enjoys being with a sour person.  A negative person makes others feel uneasy,  uncomfortable and wary. 

Try stepping outside of yourself and offer a kind word.  You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. 

I must be doing something like that because I just thought of something. Two psychiactric nurse practitioners told me I was "being nicer" I had no idea what they meant because I always try to be nice.

So I must be accidentally being mean? It must be bad because those were two different ones.

[yogacat]

Excellent share @Batya33.

It reminds me of a recent trip to In and Out Burger.

Let me tell you, if you've ever been in an In and Out burger ---> those workers hustle hard like I've ever seen!

Sure, it's just "fast food" but man do they work their tail off and what a difficult environment/job!!

And, each and every one smile and speak cheerfully with customers. Even after rapid fire shouts of orders and rapid movement, the workers would still ecstatically thank and wave goodbye to customers as they passed. Kind of silly right? But a nice reminder that a simple smile or positive attitude can make a big difference in someone's day. It doesn't cost anything, but has the potential to brighten someone's mood and possibly even have a ripple effect on others. 

Do you have a single person in your life that doesn't feel like you're a loser? If so, can you get genuine feedback from them?

One thing I've noticed is that you have painted all your interactions with one brush. Meaning, each person that you've encountered you perceive to be looking through these same invisible glasses of judgement and criticism, and it's possible the reality is something very different.

It can be hard when we feel like everyone around us thinks poorly of us, but it's important to try to find a different perspective and get a more objective view. 

Also, have you ever directly asked someone why they call you a loser? It might be uncomfortable, but it could provide some insight into their motives.

If they don't have a solid reason or just seem like they're being mean, it's possible their opinion doesn't matter as much as you think it does. But if there is valid criticism, use it to better yourself and your interactions with others.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Enya77 said:

I have disability for bipolar disorder. I don't know. I've been told that a lot. That It could be me being paranoid, but I don't believe that fully.

Thank you, this^ information is extremely helpful. 

Again I ask, are you receiving care from a medical professional?  Or managing your illness on your own?

Have you talked with your doctors about what you're experiencing?

Are your doctors the ones who have told you you suffer from paranoid thoughts?

 

 

[Enya77]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you, this^ information is extremely helpful. 

Again I ask, are you receiving care from a medical professional?  Or managing your illness on your own?

Have you talked with your doctors about what you're experiencing?

I have a dr. And I'm going to see a counselor later. I've spoken to them about this and they said the same thing, but I just can't bring myself to believe that it's not happening. People usually say these things about me within earshot, most of them trying to get a reaction out of me. 

[Enya77]

Just now, yogacat said:

Excellent share @Batya33.

It reminds me of a recent trip to In and Out Burger.

Let me tell you, if you've ever been in an In and Out burger ---> those workers hustle hard like I've ever seen!

Sure, it's just "fast food" but man do they work their tail off and what a difficult environment/job!!

And, each and every one smile and speak cheerfully with customers. Even after rapid fire shouts of orders and rapid movement, the workers would still ecstatically thank and wave goodbye to customers as they passed. Kind of silly right? But a nice reminder that a simple smile or positive attitude can make a big difference in someone's day. It doesn't cost anything, but has the potential to brighten someone's mood and possibly even have a ripple effect on others. 

Do you have a single person in your life that doesn't feel like you're a loser? If so, can you get genuine feedback from them?

One thing I've noticed is that you have painted all your interactions with one brush. Meaning, each person that you've encountered you perceive to be looking through these same invisible glasses of judgement and criticism, and it's possible the reality is something very different.

It can be hard when we feel like everyone around us thinks poorly of us, but it's important to try to find a different perspective and get a more objective view. 

Also, have you ever directly asked someone why they call you a loser? It might be uncomfortable, but it could provide some insight into their motives.

If they don't have a solid reason or just seem like they're being mean, it's possible their opinion doesn't matter as much as you think it does. But if there is valid criticism, use it to better yourself and your interactions with others.

I've tried asking, but people will always deny ever saying anything.

 

I think it's them being mean and in that case I should take their opinion with a grain of salt. I have had my dad tell me I should learn to stand up for myself and they might just be doing it because they can.

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, Enya77 said:

I've tried asking, but people will always deny ever saying anything.

 

I think it's them being mean and in that case I should take their opinion with a grain of salt. I have had my dad tell me I should learn to stand up for myself and they might just be doing it because they can.

I'm glad that you responded to some of the other member's question in that it was revealed you have a mood disorder.

That is certainly a factor especially if you suffer from low self-esteem.

Some people will dislike us, that's a given, but all isn’t reasonable.

There's no logic in it, you see?

[Enya77]

Just now, ShySoul said:

You were bullied so don't trust people, which is fair. That causes you to put distance between yourself and others to protect yourself. That in turn is perceived as being cold and rude, even when its not your intent. So they respond by being cold or rude to you, which you see as more reason to not trust people. And the cycle repeats over and over.

A lot of people have been conditioned to expect the extrovert ideal. They believe everyone should be smiling, talkative, and joking. A person being quiet or reserved seems strange. They believe something is wrong with that person. Many will judge them by their standards of how a person should behave. So they throw out labels and assumptions like loser or arrogant. Rather then respecting you for the individual you are, they expect you to be the same as what they think people should be. They assume that because they are a certain way everyone must be that way.

To be clear, I'm not saying everyone is like that, but there are a good deal of people who judge others based on there standards and expectations, having nothing to do with who a person actually is.

I used to try to fit in, to change myself. It never worked either. So I stopped. You aren't broke, so why fix yourself? You are simply you, the person you were born as. You shouldn't have to change yourself or fit what others think you should be. They aren't changing themselves for you, so why do you always have to be the one to change for them?

The important thing is learning to accept and embrace yourself. Its not caring what others think and striving to be the person you naturally are. Its focusing on the things that make you happy and hopefully finding "your people" who share those interests and who you have a built in common ground. Its realizing that someone who is worth your time will see the real you inside and be okay with you however you are (as long as the person isn't hurting people which I know you aren't.) And its having confidence in yourself to know you are a good person, just the way you are.

This is so true! There are some things I can't help completely like the anxiety. It causes me to give one word responses and in turn sound "mean". I try to get other people to understand that I'm not a bad person, but they never understand me. Like you said, why fix something if it isn't broken?

 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Enya77 said:

People usually say these things about me within earshot, most of them trying to get a reaction out of me. 

Can you share what a person delivering a package would say?  Or a stranger you've never spoken with?  What type of reaction do you believe they're seeking? 

A dental assistant or any other type of medical assistant risks losing their job for such behavior.

In any event, please listen to your doctors and follow their instructions.

Good luck at your appointment today. 

[Batya33]

I reported a dental hygienist who commented negatively on my son’s appearance when he was 5 - on his height. Which he heard and felt badly about. I mean my son was hesitant enough about getting his teeth cleaned etc. the result was they had a team meeting with all staff to discuss appropriate interactions with kids. Yes this was a pediatric practice and I was really upset. If you are called a name like that by a health care provider report it. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Enya77 said:

I must be doing something like that because I just thought of something. Two psychiactric nurse practitioners told me I was "being nicer" I had no idea what they meant because I always try to be nice.

So I must be accidentally being mean? It must be bad because those were two different ones.

There are times when you have to force yourself to be nice and pleasant because you want the atmosphere for others to be calm and relaxed.  Even if you're in a foul mood,  you have to force yourself to be kind if you want those around you to treat you well.  This is how society is.  You don't want to clam up and be perceived as aloof otherwise people will either ignore you or give you the cold shoulder. 

You're not accidentally mean.  Your behavior stems from your core inner unhappiness.  A lot of unhappy people are grumpy and quiet or cantankerous.  All scenarios give a negative vibe.

Whenever you deal with people,  you have to be selfless.  It's only temporary and then you can be your true self when you're by yourself. 

 

[Bertram]

This might be a case of finding your tribe, not sure. People with mental health diagnoses, neurodivergent diagnoses, etc, often feel much better when they find a community of people they have some more in common with, and who share social norms. Some people, for example, find happy smiley people extremely stressful, and like nothing better to sit quietly with someone who doesn't blast them with toxic jollity. Peer support groups in short might be something to look for. 

You have my sympathy. I work with a lot of autistic people who report similar issues. Many of them feel much better after finding other autistic people to hang about with. From your posts on here you seem really nice and polite, for what its worth. 

[Enya77]

Just now, Bertram said:

This might be a case of finding your tribe, not sure. People with mental health diagnoses, neurodivergent diagnoses, etc, often feel much better when they find a community of people they have some more in common with, and who share social norms. Some people, for example, find happy smiley people extremely stressful, and like nothing better to sit quietly with someone who doesn't blast them with toxic jollity. Peer support groups in short might be something to look for. 

You have my sympathy. I work with a lot of autistic people who report similar issues. Many of them feel much better after finding other autistic people to hang about with. From your posts on here you seem really nice and polite, for what its worth. 

That's interesting. I actually might be autistic. I'm going to be evaluated soon.

[tattoobunnie]

I know this will come off as rude, but nothing about what you are saying screams, bipolar disorder. Tons of women are misdiagnosed with this when really they are simply on the Autism Spectrum, hence regularly missing social cues and social anxiety.  So while you are just have a sensory overload, and need to be on your own to decompress, people mistake it for not wanting to confirming to their standards, and thus, calling you a loser.  In reality, these people are just ableist piece of sh*ts.

Honestly, a correct (2nd opinion) diagnosis makes a huge difference.  

[Jaunty]

On 6/26/2024 at 7:44 AM, Enya77 said:

. People usually say these things about me within earshot, most of them trying to get a reaction out of me. 

I have to say that I think your imagination might be playing tricks on you.  The reason is that the term LOSER is not really in very common usage currently.  It's a little out of date as an insult.  I can't remember the last time I've heard it used except when somebody failed in a competition and said "I'm such a loser" as they walked off the course.  Sure there are people who will still use it but if every person you know, your relatives, and strangers say you are a LOSER I am thinking that it might be something you think is happening but really is not.  

[Bertram]

4 hours ago, Vapecoin said:

That is beyond ***ed and I am so sorry you have to go through that Enya. Family often takes for granted us, mine does. More specifically my mother. My father annoys me, and simps ALL THE TIME for my mother and it just makes me have no respect for him. But in the grand scheme of things what he does is just obnoxious and petty. I'll get over it.

 

But my mother is an evil person. I'm not being hyperbolic. She's catty, she instigates fights for no reason, just yesterday she was ready to throw fists because I made a sassy joke where she woke my ass up about groceries or something and I can't hear her from downstairs, so she's peering down the stairs and I'm like fiiiine I'll get up. And she's like "well excuse me" and I did this Pope hand gesture thing you're excused lol. And she got all bent out of shape, went to her room and slammed the door, only ten minutes later to call me slurs, saying I should drop dead, how I don't do anything. (I literally do everything and at this point I don't need to defend what I do or don't do. She's the one that needs to drop dead but clings to life to rob everyone of time and dignity.) it's suffice to say I hate her. Not dislike, hate her. I dislike my cousin who lives with us too. She's a giga-Karen, I dislike my father and how he just enables then behavior and noone can speak ill of his bloated troglodyte queen. But I hate her. She... Is a loser.

 

And she's not alone. There are many losers. Internet moderators come to mind, most of my exes, lots and lots of losers in the world. You are not one of them. You're a sweet girl, who has to live day by day overcoming handicaps you didn't ask for. I don't know what those handicaps are, you don't have to tell me. I'll take your word for it that whatever it is, it isn't fun or just something that can be ignored. And now on top of it, you have family who despite has known you for a lifetime, know all the good in your heart, could say such horrible things even if not to your face.

They don't deserve you. They don't deserve anything. If ever you need to vent about it personally, my inbox is open. Because I know personally talking about family can be very embarrassing. That's why abuse is hard to stop. You're not just a victim, you're ashamed. Ashamed people could act this way, ashamed of your own hopelessness and powerlessness, ashamed of how long it's gone on and you don't know anything different. It's demonic. It truly is.

Haha! Best thing I've read for a while. :) You write really well, and you have something to say. Your fortitude seems to have preserved you. Hope it helps the OP.