Why do people do this?

[Enya77]

Everyone calls me a loser and not in a "she needs to get her life together" way, It's more of a bullying/mocking/ in highschool again way. I'll be honest, I'm not good at socializing. I spent my entire highschool life and life up to now staying at home, but the majority of people that have called me this don't know I stay at home all of the time. I get so confused as to what it might be that's causing them to call me this. I think well it's obviously the fact that you are bad at socializing and your awkward , but other people who can't socialize that well don't get called that. Do they???

I've been called this by my aunt and grandma when they came to visit and as soon as I went back to my room, I heard "She's a LOSER!" to which my grandma replied "I know!" "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

This is how most people say it. I've been called this by my mother, my dad, my sisters, aunt and grandma, the delivery worker and the dentist's assistant. Sometimes complete strangers. Actually, I'm hated and judged by strangers I've never even spoken to. Age doesn't matter they all do it and it truly makes me feel bad about myself. I feel it has nothing to do with achievements. I achieve anything I put my mind to, it's just, being disabled has put that to a halt in some areas of my life. 

I don't know what it is. People just don't like me.

Why do they call me that? 

 

I have to mention that they don't call me that to my face directly, but whenever they think I can't hear.

 

[Batya33]

How awful ? Maybe those people are really insecure and unhappy. I’d say “I feel hurt when you call me names”. Use I statements. And if they continue simply walk away.  If I was a good friend and wanted to support someone in personal growth I’d give suggestions if asked. Calling someone a loser has nothing to do with being respectful or supportive. It’s simply mean. 

[yogacat]

18 minutes ago, Heaz99 said:

Everyone calls me a loser and not in a "she needs to get her life together" way, It's more of a bullying/mocking/ in highschool again way. I'll be honest, I'm not good at socializing. I spent my entire highschool life and life up to now staying at home, but the majority of people that have called me this don't know I stay at home all of the time. I get so confused as to what it might be that's causing them to call me this. I think well it's obviously the fact that you are bad at socializing and your awkward , but other people who can't socialize that well don't get called that. Do they???

I've been called this by my aunt and grandma when they came to visit and as soon as I went back to my room, I heard "She's a LOSER!" to which my grandma replied "I know!" "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

This is how most people say it. I've been called this by my mother, my dad, my sisters, aunt and grandma, the delivery worker and the dentist's assistant. Sometimes complete strangers. Actually, I'm hated and judged by strangers I've never even spoken to. Age doesn't matter they all do it and it truly makes me feel bad about myself. I feel it has nothing to do with achievements. I achieve anything I put my mind to, it's just, being disabled has put that to a halt in some areas of my life. 

I don't know what it is. People just don't like me.

Why do they call me that? 

 

I have to mention that they don't call me that to my face directly, but whenever they think I can't hear.

 

Either they're as@holes or they're onto something.

It can't be both.

[Seraphim]

They sound like complete jerks who don’t know how to communicate. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry you're having these problems, but keep in mind that this says more about them than it does you.

In addition to that, as the saying goes, "you never look good making someone else look bad."

Take care...

[ShySoul]

Far too many people in the world are judgemental and rude. They get their kicks from tearing people and things down. It's far easier to hate then it is to love. But what they say is more of a reflection upon them. It reveals the kind of person they are, one so bitter and angry inside that they feel the need to drag people down to their level. Maybe they are really lonely themselves and think it will give them attention or make them feel better since they can pretend like they are somehow better then someone else. 

I've been judged and attacked by strangers as well. I've had people make assumptions about me and unfairly criticize me, including family and people who were supposed to care about me. Even those who don't say it, I can often feel there is a gap there, like they just don't get me. It hurts. I'm sorry you've had to endure this.

I try to remember the saying "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." People are going to think what they think and do what they do. But they aren't us. They don't get to decide if we are a loser, only we decide that. If you choose to believe them, you'll just end up feeling sad and depressed all the time. So don't listen to them. Do what you like and embrace being the real, authentic you, whomever that is. If that person doesn't like to socialize or prefers to stay home, that's fine. Try to be the best person you can be, according to your standards. Feel proud of the person you are. 

Anyone who would say things like that is far more of a loser then you will ever be. You are not loser. So believe in yourself and don't let these people get you down.

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, Heaz99 said:

 being disabled has put that to a halt in some areas of my life.

If I may ask, in what way are you disabled? (Just trying to get a fuller picture of issues/circumstances).

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Batya33.  Mean people are deeply insecure and miserable.  Misery loves company.  Unhappy people will always drag you down to their level. 

People who have a good,  very content life tend to be consistently,  habitually and conscientiously kind or so I've noticed. 

People who are unhappy and irritable 😡 due to the the cards they were dealt with or their lot in life will always say something obnoxious and snide.  This is the way of the world.

I agree with @ShySoul. 

This world is a cruel place and there are times when you truly realize no one cares or they'll go out of their way to be mean spirited.  It is disgusting. 

I hope you can find a way to find joy in your life however it may be.  Truest happiness is peace from within.  😇

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree with @Batya33.  Mean people are deeply insecure and miserable.  Misery loves company.  Unhappy people will always drag you down to their level. 

People who have a good,  very content life tend to be consistently,  habitually and conscientiously kind or so I've noticed. 

People who are unhappy and irritable 😡 due to the the cards they were dealt with or their lot in life will always say something obnoxious and snide.  This is the way of the world.

I agree with @ShySoul. 

This world is a cruel place and there are times when you truly realize no one cares or they'll go out of their way to be mean spirited.  It is disgusting. 

I hope you can find a way to find joy in your life however it may be.  Truest happiness is peace from within.  😇

I didn't write the rest just to be clear.  I don't think many people are miserable and I do not think the world is a cruel place -the opposite. And I think that the people who are referring to the OP in this way -unless it is in true self defense or similar - should be viewed as having issues and should not be taken seriously by the OP.

[shouldhavelearned]

Wrong version of tough love

 

At the same time I would rather hear to my face than behind my back.

[ShySoul]

To clarify, I think most people are good and trying to do the best they can. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. Someone can be having a bad day or going through something themselves, so they lash out at others. The occasional wrong words can be forgiven. Its when it becomes a pattern that I question what kind of person this really is. And even then I hope that they will somehow see what they doing.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of messed up people. Hurt people hurt people. You are bound to run into some of them eventually. When you do you have two choices. Give in or fight back. Giving in leads to depression and you risk becoming the very thing that hurts you. It can be a vicious cycle. So fight. Don't accept their words, simply focus on reassuring words to yourself. As Cherylyn said, happiness comes from within.

[ShySoul]

Enya, do you have a friend or family member who doesn't say stuff like that? Someone you can go to for reassurance? If so,don't be afraid to lean on them if you feel down. There have been times I've felt like I was being judged and everyone was against me. I doubted myself and wondered if they were right. But just having that one friend to cheer me up and get me to think positive and like myself again made it better. 

And if you ever need that reassurance, my inbox is open. Awkward, bad at socializing, likes to stay at home... that tends to be some of my favorite people. 🙂

[Enya77]

Just now, ShySoul said:

Enya, do you have a friend or family member who doesn't say stuff like that? Someone you can go to for reassurance? If so,don't be afraid to lean on them if you feel down. There have been times I've felt like I was being judged and everyone was against me. I doubted myself and wondered if they were right. But just having that one friend to cheer me up and get me to think positive and like myself again made it better. 

And if you ever need that reassurance, my inbox is open. Awkward, bad at socializing, likes to stay at home... that tends to be some of my favorite people. 🙂

I had a very good friend who was also my counselor. She was the one person who accepted me for who I am. Though something happened where she broke my trust and I stopped seeing her because of that. I agree with everything you said in your previous post and I even told myself that many times. Other's do not define me, I do. Though after being reffered to as this so many times, I began to believe it a part of me still holds this doubt and I still do. The thing Is, I don't think these people have problems with themselves. That's a lot of people who are having a bad day if that's the case. 

 

I don't mean to sound negative, It's just what I've seen. No matter what I do, people always seem to have a problem with me. I'm not intentionally rude. I'm not loud or disruptive, in fact I try my best to walk on eggshells so that I don't upset people because very often I do without trying. Though, I do very much agree with that. No one defines me, I do. It's just that doubt based on previous experiences that overrides this peace I get from reaffirming myself of that. Though, you really gave me confirmation through that, so thank you. Sorry if I don't make sense. I'm tired today.

[Enya77]

Just now, ShySoul said:

To clarify, I think most people are good and trying to do the best they can. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. Someone can be having a bad day or going through something themselves, so they lash out at others. The occasional wrong words can be forgiven. Its when it becomes a pattern that I question what kind of person this really is. And even then I hope that they will somehow see what they doing.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of messed up people. Hurt people hurt people. You are bound to run into some of them eventually. When you do you have two choices. Give in or fight back. Giving in leads to depression and you risk becoming the very thing that hurts you. It can be a vicious cycle. So fight. Don't accept their words, simply focus on reassuring words to yourself. As Cherylyn said, happiness comes from within.

You're right! I always used to reffer to that as "hurt others or hurt myself". That's a faaaar better way to reframe it. I shouldn't hurt people, I should fight back against them and even moreso, the voice that tells me I'm not good enough.

And just to clarify, I don't mean actually fight with them, but firmly stand up for myself and if they don't listen, go away.

[Enya77]

5 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I'm sorry you're having these problems, but keep in mind that this says more about them than it does you.

In addition to that, as the saying goes, "you never look good making someone else look bad."

Take care...

This is exactly it.

[yogacat]

Here's the thing. If it is a few people here and there, then it might be that they are just being mean and bullying you. But if you are hearing this from multiple people, then it might be helpful to take a step back and evaluate the situation.

Secondly, have you said or done anything that could be perceived as "loser" behavior?

Sometimes people use this term to describe someone who is constantly negative, doesn't try new things, or refuses to take responsibility. 

I am not suggesting that you are a loser in any way I am just wondering why it is ALL the people in your life are saying it. Not that anyone's opinion of you should define you and if everyone is saying it then just stop associating with those people.

[Enya77]

Just now, yogacat said:

Here's the thing. If it is a few people here and there, then it might be that they are just being mean and bullying you. But if you are hearing this from multiple people, then it might be helpful to take a step back and evaluate the situation.

Secondly, have you said or done anything that could be perceived as "loser" behavior?

Sometimes people use this term to describe someone who is constantly negative, doesn't try new things, or refuses to take responsibility. 

I am not suggesting that you are a loser in any way I am just wondering why it is ALL the people in your life are saying it. Not that anyone's opinion of you should define you and if everyone is saying it then just stop associating with those people.

I don't talk much at all. I never know what to say. I don't smile. Much of the time struggle with intense social anxiety. I think people percieve me as rude. I might be missing social cues because sometimes when I say things that I think are normal, people give me a weird look and there's a brief silence. 

One time, when at a hospital a gay man started a conversation with me. Prior to that, I overheard the staff and patients say I was being extremely rude, but I never saw it. It wasn't my intention to be rude at all. Well, we had a friendly conversation. The whole time I was there, I hardly spoke to anybody and they talked amongst themselves. I heard the counselor say I was "weird" right next to me.

 

The whole hospitalization, I was bullied by staff and patients. I was humiliated in group sessions.  I see the same behavior everywhere. But, the thing is, at the end of my hospitalization, a younger patient said me conversating with that patient was "nice". So maybe It was my lack of willingness to talk to other people??

[Enya77]

Just now, yogacat said:

Here's the thing. If it is a few people here and there, then it might be that they are just being mean and bullying you. But if you are hearing this from multiple people, then it might be helpful to take a step back and evaluate the situation.

Secondly, have you said or done anything that could be perceived as "loser" behavior?

Sometimes people use this term to describe someone who is constantly negative, doesn't try new things, or refuses to take responsibility. 

I am not suggesting that you are a loser in any way I am just wondering why it is ALL the people in your life are saying it. Not that anyone's opinion of you should define you and if everyone is saying it then just stop associating with those people.

I don't know maybe it has to do with my ranking in the social heiarchy and it sucks! 

[Cherylyn]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't write the rest just to be clear.  I don't think many people are miserable and I do not think the world is a cruel place -the opposite. And I think that the people who are referring to the OP in this way -unless it is in true self defense or similar - should be viewed as having issues and should not be taken seriously by the OP.

I meant some of what you've written.  I just added my take.  I'm sorry for agreeing with some of what you wrote.  I respect your opinion.  However, I do very much think this world is a cruel place,  very apathetic and indifferent unless people genuinely love you and when I refer to "love," I'm not referring to passionate love.  I refer to compassionate,  sincere,  "love thy neighbor" type of love or respectful love meaning being treated the way you would like to be treated. 

What I wrote is about human nature in society and unfortunately,  often times this dynamic applies to one's home life or with relatives,  extended family members or anyone for that matter. 

A lot of times a person is responsible for their own happiness despite whatever other people say,  if they feel attacked,  let down or disappointed in a person or people.  There is a way to control one's life in one's favor in order to carve out your own personal happiness and it's not always dependent upon other people to provide your inner peace and contentment. 

OP @Enya77 Yes,  your unwillingness to talk to people makes other people perceive you as snobby and arrogant.  You don't have to be a "Chatty Kathy" but try being pleasant and cordial even if it's brief.  Impressions are everything.  If you come across as too good for a person,  they will receive your negative vibe even if it wasn't your intention.  People read your non-verbal communication and body language as well.  They pick up nuances.  You don't have to be excessively amiable but be nice and it will take you a long way regarding successful interpersonal relationships.  Your behavior puts another person at ease or if you come across as too silent,  it can be perceived as cold.

A tip for you:  Whenever you engage in a conversation,  make it about the other person.  Ask about them because everyone loves a great listener.  If you don't have much to say,  always remember to make the other person feel that you're interested in them,  their life,  their day,  their interests so on and so forth.  It's a fast way to get people to like you.  People get bored listening to you but if you make it about them,  you'll have friends for life.  It's a trick I've since honed and the funny thing is when I walk away,  no one knows anything about me.  They're left scratching their skulls 🫢 because I deliberately made about them and nothing about me.  It's actually quite funny.  ☺️ 

[Capricorn3]

On 6/25/2024 at 8:44 AM, Capricorn3 said:

If I may ask, in what way are you disabled? (Just trying to get a fuller picture of issues/circumstances).

^ I ask this again.

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

Here's the thing. If it is a few people here and there, then it might be that they are just being mean and bullying you. But if you are hearing this from multiple people, then it might be helpful to take a step back and evaluate the situation.

Secondly, have you said or done anything that could be perceived as "loser" behavior?

Sometimes people use this term to describe someone who is constantly negative, doesn't try new things, or refuses to take responsibility. 

I am not suggesting that you are a loser in any way I am just wondering why it is ALL the people in your life are saying it. Not that anyone's opinion of you should define you and if everyone is saying it then just stop associating with those people.

^ I second this post in its entirety.  As Yogacat said above, if ALL people in your life are saying the same thing, then it's time to step back and evaluate the situation.  If ALL people who cross your path have the same impression, then unfortunately you're the common denominator.

You mention people say/think you are rude, even extremely rude etc.  All this probably comes across as arrogant and being a snob.  Maybe time to look within.

Have you ever considered counseling/therapy to help you figure out where all this is coming from?

[Enya77]

18 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ I second this post in its entirety.  As Yogacat said above, if ALL people in your life are saying the same thing, then it's time to step back and evaluate the situation.  If ALL people who cross your path have the same impression, then unfortunately you're the common denominator.

You mention people say/think you are rude, even extremely rude etc.  All this probably comes across as arrogant and being a snob.  Maybe time to look within.

Have you ever considered counseling/therapy to help you figure out where all this is coming from?

My counselors have never really wanted to dig into that issue. I'd bring it up and the subject would be changed. I personally think It comes from my social anxiety and having been bullied. I don't trust people. I can't smile or make jokes because I feel it comes out wrong. No matter how nice I try to be people always dislike me. I try to fix it, but it always fails. I try to change myself, but people still hate me.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Enya77 said:

My counselors have never really wanted to dig into that issue. I'd bring it up and the subject would be changed. I personally think It comes from my social anxiety and having been bullied. I don't trust people. I can't smile or make jokes because I feel it comes out wrong. No matter how nice I try to be people always dislike me. I try to fix it, but it always fails. I try to change myself, but people still hate me.

It sounds like you don't much like people. Most people can sense that.

[Capricorn3]

10 minutes ago, Enya77 said:

 I don't trust people. I can't smile or make jokes because I feel it comes out wrong.

This is a big part of the problem in general (imo).  I once worked with an individual who never smiled, was always very sullen, never friendly etc etc ...... and guess what?  Almost every single person at work eventually just avoided him.  Everyone always tried to include him, were friendly to him etc, but with his sullen attitude it eventually pushed everyone away. 

When you never smile, people automatically step back because you give the vibe of "leave me alone".  It's very difficult to interact with a very negative person.  People get drawn to warm, friendly, happy people.

[Enya77]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like you don't much like people. Most people can sense that.

Maybe that is the case. I'm very bad at being self aware when it comes to this stuff.