Boyfriend still has photos with his ex all over his social media

[tattoobunnie]

On 6/21/2024 at 2:01 PM, MissButterfly said:

I do trust him and I’m not concerned about him cheating on me with his ex. I wanted him to delete those photos only based on how I told him they made me feel.

You know how hard it is to get to posts from 3 years ago?  It takes forever, and I literally don't remember them.  Speaking as a jealous person, I honestly would 100% let it go.  Focus on making new memories with new photos, and stop cyber stalking his past.  Just don't.

Move on, like he has.  Never for one second think social media tells you the real story on a relationship.  It didn't work out.  So who cares about the photos.  Just don't keep digging for trouble.  Play stupid games, earn stupid prizes.  I get it...I remember feeling the way you did in my 30's.

In my 40's I realize it was my insecurity alone, and had nothing to do with the relationship itself.  Do yourself a favor, and stop looking at his posts from years and years ago. He is allowed to have a past.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Move on, like he has.  Never for one second think social media tells you the real story on a relationship.  It didn't work out.  So who cares about the photos.  Just don't keep digging for trouble.  Play stupid games, earn stupid prizes.  I get it...I remember feeling the way you did in my 30's.

In my 40's I realize it was my insecurity alone, and had nothing to do with the relationship itself.  Do yourself a favor, and stop looking at his posts from years and years ago. He is allowed to have a past.

This^^ especially what's bolded.  Focus on the present and your relationship, in the present. 

I don't disagree with voicing your concern however before you do, realize these are your feelings, your insecurities.  For which you are responsible for managing. 

He's done nothing wrong or bad imo.  They're old pics from 3 years ago on SM.  

I'm wondering if there is another deeper issue going on?  You've been dating for five months, are you feeling anxious, more vulnerable and your fears of getting close and/or getting hurt are surfacing?  Which can happen as we fall deeper in love and feel more vulnerable.

Are you looking for reasons to "disqualify" him?  Think about it. Why does this suddenly bother you after 5 months? 

Just asking, it's not uncommon, from both genders. 

 

 

 

[MissButterfly]

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

If this guy has these photos up, has been throughout the 3 years since his divorce, and has dated a bunch of women that he has on there as well...he's never wanted to take them down because I'm sure anyone else he's been with has said something to him...meaning you are not the first and the requests still have not been complied with. He's not oblivious, he just doesn't want to do it. He's a grown adult...he knows how you feel but he ain't gonna be changing a thing. He likes having those on his FB page. Shows you truly what kind of mind sent he has.

Apparently none of his other girlfriends before me mentioned anything to him about being bothered by the ex wife’s photos. But his other exes all were divorced with kids and they also had photos still up of them with their ex husbands. I just think that this is so bizarre that I’ve never come across anyone that does this before, and here it turns out that several people exist that think this is absolutely normal. 

[MissButterfly]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

You know how hard it is to get to posts from 3 years ago?  It takes forever, and I literally don't remember them.  Speaking as a jealous person, I honestly would 100% let it go.  Focus on making new memories with new photos, and stop cyber stalking his past.  Just don't.

Move on, like he has.  Never for one second think social media tells you the real story on a relationship.  It didn't work out.  So who cares about the photos.  Just don't keep digging for trouble.  Play stupid games, earn stupid prizes.  I get it...I remember feeling the way you did in my 30's.

In my 40's I realize it was my insecurity alone, and had nothing to do with the relationship itself.  Do yourself a favor, and stop looking at his posts from years and years ago. He is allowed to have a past.

The thing is you don’t need to scroll at all, they are the first thing you see when you click on his albums. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

Apparently none of his other girlfriends before me mentioned anything to him about being bothered by the ex wife’s photos. But his other exes all were divorced with kids and they also had photos still up of them with their ex husbands. I just think that this is so bizarre that I’ve never come across anyone that does this before, and here it turns out that several people exist that think this is absolutely normal. 

To me, it's no different from keeping old photographs in a box or old photo albums.  Except now we have SM and can store old photos/memories there.  Which is what they are -  memories and there is nothing wrong with that. 

Like @tattoobunniesaid one would have to dig pretty hard to find them from 3 years ago.

What prompted you to go searching for them?  

It's possible his previous girlfriends did not go searching and never found them, which explains why they were never bothered by it.

JMO.

[MissButterfly]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ especially what's bolded.  Focus on the present and your relationship, in the present. 

I don't disagree with voicing your concern however before you do, realize these are your feelings, your insecurities.  For which you are responsible for managing. 

He's done nothing wrong or bad imo.  They're old pics from 3 years ago on SM.  

I'm wondering if there is another deeper issue going on?  You've been dating for five months, are you feeling anxious, more vulnerable and your fears of getting close and/or getting hurt are surfacing?  Which can happen as we fall deeper in love and feel more vulnerable.

Are you looking for reasons to "disqualify" him?  Think about it. Why does this suddenly bother you after 5 months? 

Just asking, it's not uncommon, from both genders. 

 

 

 

This is something that has been bothering me since the second that I noticed how differently we use our social medias and maintain connections with exes. I mentioned it to him right away, before we were ever in love, because I knew it would become a bigger and bigger problem for me as feelings got involved. The first time I just pointed out our differences about how we use our social media, how I think about it, and what I find appropriate, and I asked him to not post me because I didn’t want to be added to an already existing long roster of “conquests” put on display for the world to see. I hoped he would get the hint and delete them. He didn’t. And he kept posting photos with me. The second time, after he kept posting me and when we were already in love with each other, I expressed very clearly how bothered I was by the photos with his exes being still up and how it turns me off sexually looking at photos of him kissing his exes and being in photos doing the same exact poses with them as the photos that we’ve been taking. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You have to decide how far you want to take this 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

I expressed very clearly how bothered I was by the photos with his exes being still up and how it turns me off sexually looking at photos of him kissing his exes and being in photos doing the same exact poses with them as the photos that we’ve been taking. 

Perhaps I'm missing something and apologies if I am, but imo if it bothers you to see these old photographs, then why did you go searching for them?  

How were they stored, in a photo bucket of sorts? 

22 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

The first time I just pointed out our differences about how we use our social media, how I think about it, and what I find appropriate, and I asked him to not post me because I didn’t want to be added to an already existing long roster of “conquests” put on display for the world to see.

JMO and general sense, but this^ comment reflects animosity and dare I say even some anger.  

Yes I agree, clearly there is a major incompatibility with regard to the use of SM.  The ex-wife situation is simply a symptom of that larger issue.  

In some ways, I agree with you.  I cannot stand SM.  I personally believe it can and has destroyed relationships.

I have a minimal online presence and I prefer to date men who feel same.

You've already voiced your concern from the beginning, and he ignored it.  I don't see the point of bringing it up again.

Either accept he's going to continue to maintain a strong SM presence, posting pics, past and present, or find a man who shares your same views about it.

You won't change him but you can change yourself and your reaction to it. 

Best of luck whatever you decide. 

 

 

[smackie9]

I dunno....if I was divorced I sure as hell wouldn't be keeping photos of my ex...any ex for that matter. I think you two are way too far apart on this...not compatible. 

[yogacat]

32 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

The second time, after he kept posting me and when we were already in love with each other, I expressed very clearly how bothered I was by the photos with his exes being still up and how it turns me off sexually looking at photos of him kissing his exes and being in photos doing the same exact poses with them as the photos that we’ve been taking. 

I could understand if something else was lacking in your relationship and I could understand if you were second-guessing this relationship, but that seems to not be the case.

So in light of everything good, it seems to be a small thing, not significant enough for you to throw everything away, but that's what you're doing.  

People might keep photos of their exes because they are comfortable not wanting to throw away the past even if the future is the bee's knees, but also they don't like to toss out photos of themselves.  I think you might be giving yourself a big disservice here, and this is one of those situations where you should practice nurturing yourself.  

In fact, I think this is a critical junction that everyone goes through many, many times in life where they become starkly aware how what they won't stand for really won't stand for it, but in the next moments, they also understand the price of pushing their desires on others too hard. 10 years from now you might kick yourself for not handling this with more grace.  

But by all accounts, your relationship is good.

If looking at the photos of your boyfriend and his ex are turning you off sexually, maybe this isn't the relationship for you. It's not like you're looking at a porn video of the two of them, and who the hell would want to any way.  But looking at old photos of a past life might be something you don't want to be involved in.

On one hand, it means you're trying to make things better for yourself. On the other hand, you're threatened by something he's done before. But I'm guessing that you're so concerned about the past and you're so conscientious about scheduling and overlapping relationships, that any x or z relationship would alarm you and toss you back into your little cocoon. 

The only excuse you have for not creating happiness is the happiness you're creating for someone else but he's creating his own cavalcade of thought. And once he distances himself from your emotional problems, he's going to say good bye.

[MissButterfly]

25 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Perhaps I'm missing something and apologies if I am, but imo if it bothers you to see these old photographs, then why did you go searching for them?  

How were they stored, in a photo bucket of sorts? 

JMO and general sense, but this^ comment reflects animosity and dare I say even some anger.  

Yes I agree, clearly there is a major incompatibility with regard to the use of SM.  The ex-wife situation is simply a symptom of that larger issue.  

In some ways, I agree with you.  I cannot stand SM.  I personally believe it can and has destroyed relationships.

I have a minimal online presence and I prefer to date men who feel same.

You've already voiced your concern from the beginning, and he ignored it.  I don't see the point of bringing it up again.

Either accept he's going to continue to maintain a strong SM presence, posting pics, past and present, or find a man who shares your same views about it.

You won't change him but you can change yourself and your reaction to it. 

Best of luck whatever you decide. 

 

 

@rainbowsandroses I saw the photos because the first thing that was visible when clicking on his fb photos were pics of him kissing an ex girlfriend. So I got curious and I scrolled a bit further and everyone he’s ever dated was posted. And when I clicked on his fb photo albums, it’s all photos of him and his ex wife being in love, on vacations, kissing, and tons of photos of just his ex wife with captions such as “the love of my life”, those are the first visible albums - no need to be scrolling and searching for them. 

[MissButterfly]

33 minutes ago, yogacat said:

The only excuse you have for not creating happiness is the happiness you're creating for someone else but he's creating his own cavalcade of thought. And once he distances himself from your emotional problems, he's going to say good bye.

@yogacat could you please rephrase/explain this differently? I didn’t understand - apologies, English is not my first language.

[yogacat]

19 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

@yogacat could you please rephrase/explain this differently? I didn’t understand - apologies, English is not my first language.

Forget about that.

No worries....

My first suggestion might be to take some time and think long and hard about what you're really after here. You might find that your ideals don't fit in the real world.

Several photos mean nothing, other than they, might be nice for him to look back on. Sure, he could sentimentalize that possessions or old love letters probably mean a lot to this guy, but so what? What's wrong with that? 

Because the next thing you'll do is to ask him to not talk to certain people from his past, for fear he'll run into an evil ex, and then hopefully, you'll demand he give up getting together with friends, because one of them might have come from an old connection that didn't work out well.

This is a simple one, you have to think through what you really want. If you feel emotionally neglected about it, tell him, but if it's the way he's going to maintain control of a photo on social media in such a way that you feel it violates you in any way you might be self-centered, so think it through. You might not have a leg to stand on...

In layman's terms, he has personal things like social media photos that he cherished from years ago. It's where he wants them to be. You're taking a stand here and trying to change that, and in your efforts you might cast a nuance over yourself that isn't very pretty. 

Now, I still contend that if it bothers you to this degree, staying silent isn't helping you and stuffing your feelings is going to lead you to resent him.

Talk WITH him.

Share that it bothers you and why it bothers you. Share that it makes you feel like you're just another one of the girls and that you don't feel anything special between you. But you cannot, and I repeat, you cannot demand that he delete those photos. That is controlling behavior and speaks more to your insecurities than anything else.

Not suggesting that is what you intend to do.

Think it through and find out where your head and heart truly are on this subject. That's the only way to have a conversation with him about it when you come to that realization.

[rainbowsandroses]

28 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

@rainbowsandroses I saw the photos because the first thing that was visible when clicking on his fb photos were pics of him kissing an ex girlfriend. So I got curious and I scrolled a bit further and everyone he’s ever dated was posted. And when I clicked on his fb photo albums, it’s all photos of him and his ex wife being in love, on vacations, kissing, and tons of photos of just his ex wife with captions such as “the love of my life”, those are the first visible albums - no need to be scrolling and searching for them. 

OK fair enough, thank you for clarifying. 

I still maintain my original opinion though.  He already knows you are bothered by this yet he still does it.  To me that may be the larger issue although your differences re SM are still an issue. 

The way you phrased your concern as you posted may not have been the best way to address it imo.  That you don't want to be added to a long roster of previous "conquests"?   

It makes it sound like you view him as some big 'player' or something and you feel you're simply another notch. 

What was HIS reaction to that? 

None of this sounds good or posture on both sides for different reasons, hopefully you'll both figure it out. 

Again, good luck. 

[Andrina]

Can I ask the reason why he and his wife broke up? What's been the usual length of the relationships he's had after that?

It is concerning that he ignored your reasonable request to not post photos of you two. So doesn't that clue you in to the possibility he will also ignore your reasonable requests in other areas?

If you saw a "long list of conquests," why didn't that give you pause that maybe he's not longterm material since I'm guessing he's having one brief fling after another. How old are you two? Has he spoken of future plans with you without prodding from you?

[MissButterfly]

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK fair enough, thank you for clarifying. 

I still maintain my original opinion though.  He already knows you are bothered by this yet he still does it.  To me that may be the larger issue although your differences re SM are still an issue. 

The way you phrased your concern as you posted may not have been the best way to address it imo.  That you don't want to be added to a long roster of previous "conquests"?   

It makes it sound like you view him as some big 'player' or something and you feel you're simply another notch. 

What was HIS reaction to that? 

None of this sounds good or posture on both sides for different reasons, hopefully you'll both figure it out. 

Again, good luck. 

@rainbowsandroses
I don’t think I used the word “conquest” with him, I think I phrased it “I don’t want to be added to an already very long roster of people you’ve dated put on display for everyone to see. I love your posts of us, but if I’m being posted on my boyfriend’s social media, I like being the only one that is on his social media, I don’t want to be posted alongside photos of him kissing someone else. I think the only photos that are appropriate with your exes are the ones with your ex wife post-divorce in the posts about your kid”. In the same conversation I  brought up also him liking a random ex’s selfies and how I thought that was disrespectful. He said I was right, apologized, and then deleted all ex girlfriends photos - except the ex wife. 
One of the other things that bothers me about the photos he has up with his ex wife is knowing that he is getting almost daily notifications from fb of their memories of happy times together. As I told him, I don’t expect to get rid of the memories completely. But I think storing them elsewhere where they are not a daily reminder and accessible to everyone is more appropriate. I don’t see how having them still up is doing anything to make our relationship better, healthier, or stronger. 
I feel like he’s stuck in the past. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

@rainbowsandroses
I don’t think I used the word “conquest” with him, I think I phrased it “I don’t want to be added to an already very long roster of people you’ve dated put on display for everyone to see. I love your posts of us, but if I’m being posted on my boyfriend’s social media, I like being the only one that is on his social media, I don’t want to be posted alongside photos of him kissing someone else. I think the only photos that are appropriate with your exes are the ones with your ex wife post-divorce in the posts about your kid”. In the same conversation I  brought up also him liking a random ex’s selfies and how I thought that was disrespectful. He said I was right, apologized, and then deleted all ex girlfriends photos - except the ex wife. 
One of the other things that bothers me about the photos he has up with his ex wife is knowing that he is getting almost daily notifications from fb of their memories of happy times together. As I told him, I don’t expect to get rid of the memories completely. But I think storing them elsewhere where they are not a daily reminder and accessible to everyone is more appropriate. I don’t see how having them still up is doing anything to make our relationship better, healthier, or stronger. 
I feel like he’s stuck in the past. 

This^ adds a lot more context and I do understand your concern, it's valid.

However it still doesn't change the fact that after you addressed it, he still chooses to display pics of his ex wife and that he receives and accepts daily notifications about their happy times together and memories?

After only 5 months, may I ask what keeps you in this relationship?

This is considered early stages, the time for observing to determine if he is the right fit for you long term. He should be doing same.

You don't like what you've observed, either his SM activity and him ignoring your concerns, perhaps it's time to reconsider this relationship especially since it's now impacting your sexual attraction/intimacy in a negative way. 

I would be, I'm sorry. 

 

[yogacat]

16 minutes ago, MissButterfly said:

I feel like he’s stuck in the past. 

Based on photos of his ex? And, how do you know about his notification settings?

[MissButterfly]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Can I ask the reason why he and his wife broke up? What's been the usual length of the relationships he's had after that?

It is concerning that he ignored your reasonable request to not post photos of you two. So doesn't that clue you in to the possibility he will also ignore your reasonable requests in other areas?

If you saw a "long list of conquests," why didn't that give you pause that maybe he's not longterm material since I'm guessing he's having one brief fling after another. How old are you two? Has he spoken of future plans with you without prodding from you?

@Andrina Reason they broke up - I think I got the politically correct answer. But they had a kid and started arguing/didn’t cope well with the changes/extra stress of a newborn. She may have had postpartum depression. Also, she cheated on him shortly before she got pregnant, but he was open to trying to forgive her and make it work. She’s the one that filed for divorce, although he made it seem like it was mutual.

His relationships after his ex wife seem to be between 4 months and 1 year. But from his posts it looks like he jumps from relationship to relationship and gets serious right away very fast with everyone. 

We are in our 40s and he has bringing up future long term plans on his own. 
 

Given his posts, I am struggling visualizing him as “my person”, bringing him around work functions, and fully integrating him into my life. At first I thought that he just had not thought about how those pics being up were coming across and I thought if I explained to him how they made me feel and what my thought process about social media and exes is - that he would make changes accordingly. I don’t want to be telling anyone “you must delete these photos”. I’d want him to do it because I told him how they make me feel and I think they are inappropriate and it’s out of respect to me and our relationship. 

[MissButterfly]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Based on photos of his ex? And, how do you know about his notification settings?

Because he showed me how he received notifications about “memories” from a different post. He’s also very active across all social media platforms and receives notifications for everything. 

[yogacat]

Just now, MissButterfly said:

Because he showed me how he received notifications about “memories” from a different post. He’s also very active across all social media platforms and receives notifications for everything. 

If he receives notifications for everything, then what's the problem?

Did he tell you on his own accord about his notification settings or did you ask him?

Maybe you just have different views when it comes to social media.

Incompatible.

Look, you obviously don't feel secure in this relationship. So, what are you doing exactly?

[MissButterfly]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ adds a lot more context and I do understand your concern, it's valid.

However it still doesn't change the fact that after you addressed it, he still chooses to display pics of his ex wife and that he receives and accepts daily notifications about their happy times together and memories?

After only 5 months, may I ask what keeps you in this relationship?

This is considered early stages, the time for observing. 

You don't like what you've observed, either his SM activity and him ignoring your concerns, perhaps it's time to reconsider this relationship especially since it's now impacting your sexual attraction/intimacy in a negative way. 

I would be, I'm sorry. 

 

@rainbowsandroses Aside from the pics of exes and how they make me feel - the relationship is great. He is a great boyfriend. I trust him completely and he makes me very happy. I’m hoping that he will delete those photos before it gets to the point where I’ll choose to walk away from the relationship because it bothers me too much. I know that with time, they will bother me more and more.

[MissButterfly]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If he receives notifications for everything, then what's the problem?

Did he tell you on his own accord about his notification settings or did you ask him?

Maybe you just have different views when it comes to social media.

Incompatible.

Look, you obviously don't feel secure in this relationship. So, what are you doing exactly?

@yogacat He showed me of his own accord the notification he received about an old “memories” post. And since he has so many photos up of his ex wife, it means that he receives almost daily notifications of “memories” of photos of her. 

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, MissButterfly said:

Apparently none of his other girlfriends before me mentioned anything to him about being bothered by the ex wife’s photos. But his other exes all were divorced with kids and they also had photos still up of them with their ex husbands. I just think that this is so bizarre that I’ve never come across anyone that does this before, and here it turns out that several people exist that think this is absolutely normal. 

yes "apparently" but is there any real proof of that?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissButterfly said:

@yogacat He showed me of his own accord the notification he received about an old “memories” post. And since he has so many photos up of his ex wife, it means that he receives almost daily notifications of “memories” of photos of her. 

Does he also reference her in conversation - like if you mention you went to X place (restaurant, vacation spot, saw so and so in concert) does he use it as an excuse to bring her up?