Snooping Diary

[Lexy361]

I read my girlfriend notepad, she texted  me that she want to discuss our future with me, she said she will write everything down not to forget, I was curious, that’s what led me to check the notepad the discussion was about our marriage with was to be dated this year, we already had our introduction couple of months ago, after reading the notepad I realized she had spent 2 weekend with this person

”Now I cannot stop thinking about you i had a huge crush on you that’s y I never wanted to hangout with you because I know it will get complicated as it is now 
I cannot stop thinking about how u were touching me like you were scared I knew u needed consent but I was not sure if I wanted to give u that consent that’s y I froze on the bed knowing that u are jst sexually attracted to me makes it hurt more it makes me think after the sex then what? would u still chat me up ? would u still want to hangout ? At least now I know u are thoughtful….. I asked if u wanted to kiss me and when u declined it made me feel bad and makes me wonder who is this person …. The night with you made me wonder and now I am more curious as ever to know who this person really is ”

This person was her co-worker 2 years ago,

asking to hangout but later giver him the chance 

“”keep asking myself questions and wanting to text you to get answers but I do not know what we are yet so I cannot brin it g myself to do that
Sometimes I jst just to say *** everything that could go wrong and just do it but then I have a big space in my heart for regrets and I do not want to add this to my list”

“It’s too crazy I think about u everyday I want to text you but I can’t I don’t know what is holding me back I hate that it feels like I turn you down all the time u ask to hang but it’s just not to get too attached , I truly don’t know how to feel when it comes to you, it feels like u are within my reach yet it feels like I cannot get to you Maybe it’s jst in my head lol 
Now I text you on my notepad without getting a reply it’s really crazy😂 I am crazy sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were to date how you would be with me 
Would you want me by your side every time? Would you love me with your all? U look like someone who would put in their all in relationships but who knows I might me wrong because y won’t you be married by now ? And y did u have a failed relationship so they said 
But on the other hand u have a relationship now I think so me coming into your life would only hurt me 😔 “

all this was before  she contacted about discussing about future” then she came to discuss it with me that we should pend everything and give ourselves time 

“Finally we meet againnnn😂 after much hesitation 
I think I see it now u are scareddd I see it  let’s see how it goessss 😂😂 you are not scared I am jst foolish urgghhhhhh why am I foolish ? God please let me be loose from all this craziness 
I jst want you to see me more not as a sex piece see me moreeeeeee it’s impossible I guess I tried I really tried  y are u giving me *** vibes I thought you were thoughtful now u left me to bed  reeeeeaaaalllyyy !!  U are so unbelievable  You act repulsively another new thing I noticed about u , I do not know how u feel towards me I really want to know this is so crazy ahhhhhh!!!! 
I am supposed to have a boyfriend supposed to be with him but here I am with an uncertain person it’s crazy like I said I am crazy 
I really feel like u are a jerk and I hate the way I feel I like u and I wanted to know what the experience would be like that’s y I hanged on till now I want more I want u to chat me up and say u love me but I guess it’s impossible and u got your chance with me I hate that I felt you my body wanted you and my body fell for you I guess my body is stronger then my will now I feel  weak urrrgghhhh I hate u for this “

 

now all this got me thinking, we have been together for 8 years, I discovered in the past that was the first 3 years in the relationship that she cheated on me and I forgive her, her curiosity when opposite gender called me made me check some of her chat then, although I forgave her, but it now happens few months back that she check my social media account and found out I chatted lot of random girls which I don’t take them serious, we talk through it and she said she’s not mad and forgave me, and I found this now again, I was so heartbroken, I don’t know what to do, I feel devastated when my parents call me and ask me about her, I know I’m wrong reading the notes, curiosity made me did, cos of what she told me, she want to discuss with me, now I feel lost, I don’t know what to do, I need advise 

[Cherylyn]

You're both incompatible.  Your snooping is no better nor worse than what she did.  It's better to go your separate ways. 

When your parents ask you about her,  it's your choice.  Either refrain from disclosing or reveal the truth.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Lexy361 said:

she check my social media account and found out I chatted lot of random girls which I don’t take them serious, we talk through it and she said she’s not mad and forgave me,

So she checks you're social media and you read her dairy. You chat with random girls but don't do anything serious. She has a serious crush on a co-worker, but may not have done anything and she later realized it wasn't serious. Sounds like you are both guilty of very similar things.

3 hours ago, Lexy361 said:

I was not sure if I wanted to give u that consent that’s y I froze on the bed knowing that u are jst sexually attracted to me makes it hurt more it makes me think after the sex then what? ….. I asked if u wanted to kiss me and when u declined it made me feel bad and makes me wonder who is this person 

I find it telling that despite the temptation, both of them declined. The rest of her writing indicates a strong attraction but doesn't actually confirm what happened. It's a lot of focus on how she feels drawn to him, wants him physically, but doesn't say how far it goes. And all the while, she's still hating herself for her actions. It's not quite the same as a person who wantonly cheated without a thought as to the consequences. 

That's not to say she is innocent. Whatever happened, she had feelings for another man. That is something you have to work through. You have to decide how okay with things are you and do what you feel is best for you. The only people who matter here is you and her, no one elses opinions matter. You need to work on this together. Right now you just have words on a page. You don't know her feelings about it all. You haven't heard her voice when she tells you. You don't know if there is sorrow and regret or cold indifference. You don't know if she wants to work it out. Until you do, don't rush to conclusions and make up your mind. Two people are in the relationship, two people should discuss this and come to a conclusion together on how to move forward.

[Kwothe28]

I don’t understand because its confusing. She cheated on you with some Fboi, that I understand. You forgave her for that but now she snoops around your private messages?

That is all normal when it comes to cheaters. See., cheaters think that because they will cross the line, you will do it too. So its natural that she thinks you are too. Its called “projection”. And no, its not the same as cheating. Its inappropriate for sure, but the line for cheating is much further. Especially when she clearly had feelings for that man.

Also, I don’t understand that either. She cheated in first 3 years of relationship? And you read journal now so find out about colleague that is on her work for 2 years. So that is a new cheat or old one? 

Also, please dont marry somebody who says stuff like “I am suppose to be in a relationship but I love you and you think of me as just a sex object” to another man. 

[JoyfulCompany]

Your post is very confusing in terms of chronology but I want to point out that you not only read her notes but posted (some of) them word by word here. Unlike you, I feel majorly uncomfortable reading someone's diary. Hopefully there won't be a next time but if there is - please, just rephrase what you read, don't quote it like that.

As to the situation - if she's cheating and you're talking to other girls - you both have a lot of maturing to do before entering any serious commitment. Better break up, this marriage would be a disaster without having trust in one another.

[ShySoul]

If I'm reading correctly, the timeline is:

Got together 8 years ago. Within first three years so cheated. She checked his messages so he checked hers and found out. He forgave her.

Within last two years she's developed feelings for a co-worker and apparently spent time with him that would be deemed inapproriate. She checked his messages then told him they need to talk. He was concerned what she would say, so read her diary. 

So basically, history is repeating itself.

Neither of you have behaved in the best way. You don't seem to have learned from or grown from what happened the first time. At a minimum I would hold off on marriage. Rather or not you want to continue the relationship is a call you two need to make together. Doing so would require full honesty and transparencey from both sides going forward. You both need to work on trust and committment, regardless of if you stay together or end up with someone else.

[Lexy361]

So I try to point out some things I observed and what she said I’m doing’

 

she Said I put morals to everything even in normal conversations 
She said I treat her my younger sister, that I want to be head of everything not as her boyfriend 
V) talking about me not getting her a phone when she first ask, the one she’s using I bought for her, but want something new, I refuse to buy because I felt there’s no need when the phone you’re using is not faulty and not giving you problems, why the change of device.

birthday aspect, she knows I don’t put too much on birthdays, but for her she see relevance in birthdays, in her words “ I get you a gift no matter how small because it’s what I like to do, she mentioned two of her birthdays “ I feel like I push you to do for me” to me I see everyday as celebrations, this is a girl that anytime I see stuffs I like online I buy for her, I don’t wait until birthdays before I get you stuffs, why should I wait till birthdays before I get you gifts.. birthday is just ones in a year, it might come at the time you’re not financially stable and you might be stable.. yet I always made it a memorable day for us… but then in all this I felt like she haven’t felt what a heartbreak feels like,  she has dated like  two people before me, but not serious as ours, maybe she should learn an explore to see how relationship work.. to find someone who truly love and care about you is heard, to me I feel like she doesn’t know because she haven’t dated many, and I love her than she knows, she won’t cheat on me if she knows… should I let her go and heal on my own…?

[Elite Romancer]

If she cheated on you many years ago, you found out and forgave her, you're more likely to cheat on her back as a self soothing mechanism. But if she cheated, you cheated and then you both came clean about both of your terrible behaviour, then you're both in the wrong. Regardless of the reasons, this marriage is inevitabley going to end, don't prolong and waste your time in it, as soon as someone cheats it's basically over, 50% of marriages divorce, what % do you think divorce when cheating is involved... You get my point?

I recommend you seriously sit down with your thoughts alone one night, and write on a diary how you feel about the relationship, and whether you want to stay or not. Decide and make a decision on what's best. 

Never stay with a cheater, and never cheat. That's how you get a happy relationship. 

[ShySoul]

Have you actually sat down and talked about all of this yet with her? You are going through all of this things you see as potential issues and trying to find reasons to end things. You're justifying your actions and point of view while listing all the things you think she doesn't understand or has done that you disagree with. Instead, you need to have a real serious conversation with her and work TOGETHER. That's what being a couple is about. You each calmly talk about how you feel and you compromise. You don't assign blame. You don't get defensive and act like you are in the right. You both own up to your mistakes, you figure out where the misunderstand is and what went wrong, and you find a way to adress it together.

Don't get married unless you've both learned these things. Don't marry each other or anyone else until you can handle this level of maturity.

21 hours ago, Lexy361 said:

she Said I put morals to everything even in normal conversations 
She said I treat her my younger sister, that I want to be head of everything not as her boyfriend 

First one I'd say is a good thing. Morals and values should be a part of everyday considerations. Though where were the morals when you were talking with other girls or going through her dairy?

Second, do you try to be the head of everything? Relationships require compromise. It's 50/50 with each person needing to be willing to give in a little at times. You're not her boss, you are supposed to be her partner.

21 hours ago, Lexy361 said:

birthday aspect, she knows I don’t put too much on birthdays, but for her she see relevance in birthdays, in her words

I don't like celebrating birthdays either. I prefer random acts of thoughtfulness just because someone wanted to do it. But someone else's birthday isn't about me. It's about them. Likewise, her birthday should be about her. If she wants a card, a gift, a romantic dinner - give it to her. It's about making her feel special on her special day. As long as it's reasonable, you got to give the lady what she wants.

21 hours ago, Lexy361 said:

maybe she should learn an explore to see how relationship work.. to find someone who truly love and care about you is heard, to me I feel like she doesn’t know because she haven’t dated many, and I love her than she knows, she won’t cheat on me if she knows… should I let her go and heal on my own

Every relationship works differently. It's the interplay between the two people involved and their own unique dynamic. If you are right for each other you figure out how to make it work. You say you love her more then she knows, yet want to let it go? If you love her that much, tell her and show her. Fight for it. If you aren't ready to do that, perhaps it is best to set her free to find one who will.

[smackie9]

The only way to start...is to communicate with her.

[Lexy361]

Tried to, but feel remorse about the whole thing  and trying to blaming me why I read her notepad, isn’t that manipulative?

I only read the notepad cos I was overzealous about what she said she wanted to tell me, didn’t know I will see something like this 

[shouldhavelearned]

Get away and get away fast 

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Lexy361 said:

Tried to, but feel remorse about the whole thing  and trying to blaming me why I read her notepad, isn’t that manipulative?

Are you saying she was blaming you for reading the notebook? I wouldn't say that's manipulative, You did snoop, whatever the reason. She has the right to be upset by it. Just as I'm sure you were upset when she read your messages.

Who is feeling remorse? And regarding what? 

If the two of you can't have an honest conversation about things, it doesn't bode well for the relationship. A relationship with repeated lies, secrets, actual and potential cheating, spying, an inability to discuss and work things out together - this is not healthy for anyone. Either get it together and talk as mature adults, or set each other free and work on growing as individuals before thinking about being in a relationship.