New Found Single Life Not Going As Expected

[Indiana_Rizzler]

Just wanted to get a few things off my chest and get some feedback, I had so many helpful comments on my last post.

I did the right thing and well - I didn't break up with my ex, we both just kinda ghosted each other so it's a win-win. I've been single for over a month now and Tinder pool is empty (I even shelled out $50 for Platinum), Bumble is empty and Feeld is empty, I'm all tapped out! This isn't how I envisioned this going and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Currently thinking of taking a month off from online dating and hopefully coming back to a new scene.

Other than my romance life, I feel so blessed. Have a job in which I'm fairly compensated and truly appreciated. I have a mom and dad who're both in relatively good health who love me. I recently earned my biggest tech certification to date, doing okay financially and I'm in good physical shape. Again, I just don't get what I'm supposed to do in order to find someone, despite of all my success. I feel like living in a rurall area really hurts me, but again with the job and the fact that I have a two bedroom apartment for just $485 a month, I can't just walk away from that. I'm 35 years old and haven't made love in years, I feel like I'm missing out on one of the greatest aspects of life. Romantically I'm floundering. 

And it's not even just sex. It's the fact that when I do have bad days or the rare off-day at work - like Tuesday last week for example; I cried on the way home. Just KNOWING nobody was going to be there, that I'd be going to bed alone and that I have nobody I could be vulnerable with. It wears on me, ya know?

[Batya33]

I do love how you count your blessings. I did all my dating in NYC where I grew up. When I was single and 28 I moved 9 miles to be right in Manhattan. Because that’s where all the action was for singles. Back then there was this thing “GU” - geographically undesirable lol. But it really was a thing. Men didn’t want to travel far to date someone. Neither did I preferably. 
totally understand how economical it is to live where you live and if it’s possible I’d relocate. I have a few friends who did end up meeting men in their 30s despite living in the burbs but it was much harder. 
Also cities have more activities and volunteer opportunities that attract single people. Again I totally get if you can’t move just making a suggestion. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I did too. For years. 

[ShySoul]

If all these dating sites haven't worked out, maybe dating sites aren't the answer? If the search for romance is getting you down, maybe it's time to stop searching and let love find it's way to you when it's right?

Believe me, I understand the longing for something more. You can have the perfect life in every other way, but somethings always missing until you share it with somone else. It's draining. I've spent many a night crying myself to sleep. The longing for a real, pure connection, having someone there by your side to share the ups and downs of life. Make love? Just having someone to hold and be with would be a dream come true. It's the emotional connection that we ultimately crave.

It's okay to be sad, even a little depressed. But don't let that feeling control you or dictate how you behave or think about yourself. Time and again I've seen how the longing for a relationship just creates a cycle of misery for a person. I've felt it myself. They become so obsessed with what is missing that they don't appreciate what is there. And it's not just about money, job titles, or physical appearance. It's about the joy of simple being alive. It's about finding something that is fulfilling and meaningful for you. Pick up a hobby, volunteer.... do something that fills this empty spot in your life. It could be anything, as long as you find a purpose in it. Shift your focus from the negative thoughts of what you don't have, and fill your time with positive thoughts about what you are doing to find meaning in your life. And you just may make friends or even find someone special along the way.

When I've felt like you, I found something to take my mind off the heartache. I tutored adult literacy, volunteered at a library, gave advice here. When I wallowed in my hurt I just felt more alone. But when I turned the pain into a push to do something and help others, I felt better about myself and found I wasn't alone. And I was even able to meet some women along the way. Things turned around and love came my way because I wasn't dwelling on it, I was just focused on doing what I wanted and became more open and confident because of it. 

Do the things you want to do. Do what makes you happy and feel complete. You can be happy on your own, you just have to believe in and embrace yourself. The relationship will happen when the time is right.

 

[Indiana_Rizzler]

@ShySoul Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. I just feel as though, dating sites have to be the avenue as they're the ONLY avenue realistically. I don't go to bars, the gym I go to is a guy-fest and I'm not the most outgoing person.

It sounds like you know exactly what I'm going through and have been there before. You've echoed some sentiments I've said to myself many a time. I may differ from you that, outside of finding someone and being happy with them, I don't really feel like I have a purpose. Computers, meh they're mildly interesting and being good with them earns me a check. Fitness - I only do because I want to look good for someone. I just keep going back to those two things in the hope that it'll help me find someone/be good enough for someone. I do a good job of not dwelling on things and I'd even go as far as to say I'm a happy person but as far as feeling complete, looking back the only times I've felt truly complete is when I was in a happy relationship (messed it up because I was young and dumb), having a fling, or snuggled up with a stripper at the club.

Maybe that's an issue, I guess. I never really feel complete. I spend time around my family because it makes me happy and I push myself to do things to improve, just because I want to be "good enough".

[Indiana_Rizzler]

@Batya33 Thank you for the encouragement. I may get desperate enough to move at some point, who knows. I just have such a sweet deal where I'm at. $485 two bedroom apartment all bills included except electric + a gym I get to use *for free* and I'm just 15 mintues from my parent's, 25 minutes from work, and have a cousin that lives just a block away

[Kwothe28]

And again with that username how do you expect some action? Rizzler? Really?

Joking aside, I think you are not in a bad position. Its important that you at least have some security aa far as the dating goes. So you can “build” on that after. For you, you have a financial security. Maybe geographically your area is “dry”, but unless you live in some forest, my opinion is that you can at least pull something. Maybe not Caitlin Clark(she is probably not rural Indiana) but at least something. As long as you be active. Keep in mind that doesnt mean dating apps. If you havent been successful on them before, its hardly gona happen now. You need to be more active as far as going out goes. Social gatherings, concerts, any group activities etc. That is the kind of things you can expect to meet at least somebody.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Indiana_Rizzler said:

I don't go to bars, the gym I go to is a guy-fest and I'm not the most outgoing person.

I suggested volunteering including backstage at a church or community theater. I think I also recommended salsa or swing dancing lessons.  I went to bars (but never got drunk or even close) - most often in my 30s if it was a professional event or singles event - I went to the gym.  I also had many friends doing volunteer work including myself -I met a man while volunteering but didn't date him (he was interested, I was already dating someone), but over the 7 years I weekly volunteered in my 30s at a shelter in my city, I met many adults including lovely women who had single male friends.

I set up my friends with my male friends and they reciprocated.  You don't have to be the "most" outgoing person at all to meet people especially if you're doing a shared activity. 

There are hiking groups, For years I was part of a book club and a female networking group -and yes many women are happy to introduce their female friends to suitable guys.  I've been doing it regularly for around 40 years and still do although not as often.  Then the dating sites are just a supplement. 

My divorced friend in her 40s -mom of teens -met her serious boyfriend a few years ago and he is not hot -from the photos -but they make the most adorable couple and he seems lovely-she is so happy! I know she was using dating sites but also attending singles events.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Indiana_Rizzler said:

@Batya33 Thank you for the encouragement. I may get desperate enough to move at some point, who knows. I just have such a sweet deal where I'm at. $485 two bedroom apartment all bills included except electric + a gym I get to use *for free* and I'm just 15 mintues from my parent's, 25 minutes from work, and have a cousin that lives just a block away

There of course are major upsides! I get it! It depends how badly you want to meet people.  I wanted marriage and family badly.

When I moved out at 28 in 1994 I paid over $1500 a month for a one bedroom (after a cheaper sublet through a friend didn't work) - I'd been paying zero.  I lived on my own for 14 years. I lived with my husband after that -after marriage.  My rent was then $1000 more.

I did make a great salary so it wasn't a struggle and I was able to save $ - but the $ was well worth it for the location and social life -plus I could walk to work in 30 minutes or take public transport -no car, no car expenses ever. My neighborhood was teeming with singles in my age group well into their 40s.

Does your cousin know any suitable single guys for you?

[TeeDee]

Get off the apps.  They are disheartening at best.  

You don't have to be the most outgoing person but you do have to make an effort.  Try the following: 

1.  Tell everyone you know that you are open to being fixed up.  You have no idea who knows somebody who might be perfect for you.  

2.  Join a group doing something you care about: investing, hiking, supporting a political candidate, saving the whales.  It doesn't matter what the group does just that you care about the subject & find it interesting.  Become a regular to meet like minded people.  Do not hit on everyone you meet there.  Focus on the subject & let the rest develop organically. 

3.  Reconnect with former classmates through alumni associations.  In my 30s I attended a HS homecoming game & started dating a guy who had been a few years ahead of me in HS.  We never interacted as kids.   There are always a mixed group of people at my college's football watch parties.  

4. Check out who is regularly around when you are out & about.  Who's there when you get coffee in the morning?  When you are at the grocery store etc.?  In the elevator of your office building?  At the lunch place near work. 

5.  Even if you don't like bars, find some place to become a regular . . . . a coffee shop, a diner, the library.  

6. Attend larger industry functions for your work like a convention, a containing education opportunity, a networking event, a chamber of commerce function etc.  I met my now husband a business card exchange. 

7.  See if there any singles events near you that interest you.  I went to one where you could bring your dog.  At another you showed up & played board games.  There were ones about golfing, tennis, watching movies, drinking beer etc.  

8.  Take or teach a continuing education class.  I'm not talking about something for credit but one of those 1-2 evening things:  excel for beginners: the nuts & bolts of starting your own business; the art of negotiation; writing for business; start your own novel etc.   

9. Venture into the next town over or take a weekend & go to the nearest big city to see who you may find there 

10.  Join an organization that does good in your community:  the Elks, the Moose, the Kiwanis, the Lions, the Rotary, your local church; the volunteer fire department or ambulance squad.  Become a little league coach or Scout leader.  

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, Indiana_Rizzler said:

I've been single for over a month now

Did you think you would magically find the love of your life in less than two months of being single?

[smackie9]

A) you shouldn't be out there trying replacing her. You are not in any kind of head space to be doing that. 

B)you need to give yourself time for the past to dissipate, and adjust to things anew. 

C)just find things to do, spend time with friends, make friends, get out there doing fun stuff, go on adventures. Join a club, a group, start socializing. 

[Kwothe28]

50 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Did you think you would magically find the love of your life in less than two months of being single?

Happened to my friend. He got out of 8 year old relationship, gone to some concert 2 months later and met single mom from different town. He claims he would marry her but he says that about every woman he meets so...

But my friend is proactive and, I dare to say, not too choosy(I dont mean about single mom, havent met her, but his last relationship and ones before were something). So he doesnt stay single for long lol

[yogacat]

Aye, take this time to ironically, love on yourself.  Take naps, have quality time with yourself, eat right, exercise and take walks. Cook new easy recipes and remember how bomb your biscuits are.

One day you'll have your person to do those with. 

[catfeeder]

I’d consider which weighs more, rattling around in a two bedroom out in the middle of nowhere versus downsizing to a smaller place with more potential to build a social life and connect with more people.

Consider it a temporary move for a purpose with a view of possibly connecting with someone who would be willing to move back to rural land and save money in the future.

[Elite Romancer]

Dating Apps are simply an online market, people are looking for good quality partners but it can be tough figuring out if someone is good or not. You have to compete with a lot of men because there aren't many women on these apps (compared to guys). Meaning that a basic profile that you slapped up on the weekend with random photos on your phone won't cut it. You need to invest time into researching for photo inspirations of models that look similar to you, research what type of photos make a good profile, then buy stylish clothes and take similar photos, buy a tripod, go out taking photos, using the same photography techniques, lighting, angles etc. Once you do this, then you can make a profile and of course if you are out of shape, you gotta put in the hard work to get at least under 16% bodyfat before even considering dating apps.  

You cant buy this, you gotta physically put in the effort and build your profile up to a good quality. Once you're done then you'll get dates, and when you try again, try hinge.  Hope this makes sense. 

[ShySoul]

On 6/19/2024 at 5:50 PM, Indiana_Rizzler said:

as far as feeling complete, looking back the only times I've felt truly complete is when I was in a happy relationship (messed it up because I was young and dumb), having a fling, or snuggled up with a stripper at the club.

Well the obvious answer is get to the ATM, take out some cash, and find that cuddly stripper at the club for a VIP experience. 😁

Seriously, I feel just like you. The few chances I've had at romance were the most complete I've ever felt. I don't really know what my purpose is either. It's a day by day battle sometimes. Many days I feel like giving up. But I can't. I keep going forward and as long as I'm here I have to find something to keep my hope up. All I know is that only two things have really mattered to me. One, finding the one person who really loves and understands me. Two, finding ways to help others so they don't have to be hurt or alone (as I've often felt). Since the first doesn't seem to be in the mix anytime soon, I throw myself into the second and keep telling myself the first will come eventually.

On 6/19/2024 at 5:50 PM, Indiana_Rizzler said:

Maybe that's an issue, I guess. I never really feel complete. I spend time around my family because it makes me happy and I push myself to do things to improve, just because I want to be "good enough".

Think that's a starting point. You are "good enough." You've got your life together far more then a lot of people. Don't compare yourself to anyone else or think you need to improve for someone else. Do it for you, because you want to. Find completeness as an indivual first. Having that relationships doesn't make you whole. Things work out best when it's two people who are whole on their own, combining to form something that's even greater then the sum of its parts. So find a passion to pursue that helps you to feel whole just being you.

 

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, Elite Romancer said:

You cant buy this

17 hours ago, Elite Romancer said:

then buy stylish clothes and take similar photos, buy a tripod, go out taking photos, using the same photography techniques, lighting, angles etc.

Something tells me buying a new wardrobe, a tripod, and learning how to do photography would be more costly and a rather large investment of time and energy. Unless a person already has an interest in photography, then by all means they should do it for them, not to attract a partner. Otherwise, just focus on whatever interest you have.

18 hours ago, Elite Romancer said:

of course if you are out of shape, you gotta put in the hard work to get at least under 16% bodyfat before even considering dating apps

What about dating apps that celebrate body diversity? There are quite a few men and women out there who don't mind a few extra pounds on a person. Dare I say, they might even find it sexy. There are specialized dating sites for anything you can imagine, including people in the plus size community.

https://www.wooplus.com/

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What about dating apps that celebrate body diversity? There are quite a few men and women out there who don't mind a few extra pounds on a person. Dare I say, they might even find it sexy.

I became more open to dating men who weren't as fit as me not because of settling just my tastes changed.  I am typical of many people I know and none of them celebrate body diversity generally -just as individual people when it comes to dating the sort of people they are physically attracted to might change. 

I preferred shorter men.  I don't celebrate being short and I have no interest in getting involved generally in celebrating people who are shorter or taller than average. 

When I was pregnant I was overweight and fat - not all over fat as it was obvious why I was overweight - but -for sure, fat.  My husband and I happened to talk about this yesterday in a rambling date like walk and conversation.  He said with a shrug that he didn't think of me at all negatively when I was fat and pregnant and waddly. I remember when he first saw my baby bump -we were long distance -his eyes widened lol.  We agreed it's probably typical that if it's your wife who is pregnant with your child the extra weight is such a positive thing.

The number one complaint I heard when I was dating through online sites and blind dates was men told me that women lied with photos or about their weight so they met them and  they were quite a bit heavier.  So it was the lie and lack of physical attraction.  If I had met someone who had long scraggly hair and his photos had short hair I'd have been turned off -I am friends with and have always been friends with people with long hair -men and women -but not for romantic dating purposes. 

Who we are attracted to looks wise or body type often has zero to do with whether those people could be our friends or whether we generally support someone's right not to be slim and fit (of course I do- as long as the person isn't requiring others to support their lifestyle financially, or hurting their families like a person who chooses to eat unhealthily and chooses to smoke and drink to excess but is also a parent of young kids for example).   

I think there are fetish websites for everything - but I wouldn't date someone who had a fetish for petite women -that would make me feel objectified.  Just like a person who has a fetish for obese people might not be the kind of person an obese person would be comfortable dating. 

I was always slim.  It was a huge plus in dating from 1980-2005 when I dated.  I am even slimmer and fitter now and almost 58.  My husband is not slim.  I don't care at all -it's totally fine as long as he is healthy.  He is fit and healthy.  When I was 25 I wouldn't have dated someone who weighed what he does most likely.  Tastes can change.  But for dating apps I agree being fit and healthy and slim is a huge plus.  

[Elite Romancer]

On 6/23/2024 at 12:16 PM, ShySoul said:

Something tells me buying a new wardrobe, a tripod, and learning how to do photography would be more costly and a rather large investment of time and energy. Unless a person already has an interest in photography, then by all means they should do it for them, not to attract a partner. Otherwise, just focus on whatever interest you have.

What about dating apps that celebrate body diversity? There are quite a few men and women out there who don't mind a few extra pounds on a person. Dare I say, they might even find it sexy. There are specialized dating sites for anything you can imagine, including people in the plus size community.

https://www.wooplus.com/

Is investing $250 into yourself worth less than being lonely and sad? I didn't think so when I first invested in myself. It's up to the individual if they are too cheap to help themselves then they can accept their difficulity in romance.

Apps to celebrate body diversity? If that is what OP wants, he can go for it but it's not ideal for getting the best romantic partner. 

[waffle]

13 hours ago, Elite Romancer said:

Is investing $250 into yourself worth less than being lonely and sad? I didn't think so when I first invested in myself. It's up to the individual if they are too cheap to help themselves then they can accept their difficulity in romance.

Apps to celebrate body diversity? If that is what OP wants, he can go for it but it's not ideal for getting the best romantic partner. 

Yes, the better-looking and more in-shape someone is, the better partner they will be.

[ShySoul]

On 6/26/2024 at 8:01 PM, Elite Romancer said:

Is investing $250 into yourself worth less than being lonely and sad? I didn't think so when I first invested in myself. It's up to the individual if they are too cheap to help themselves then they can accept their difficulity in romance.

I invested in myself. I focused on my strengths - my heart, my humor, my compassion towards others. I focused on being happy with who I was. I did the things that made me happy. It give me confidence in mself - real confidence that came from within and couldn't be taken away like external physical objects could. It attracted several people to me, as friends and potential partners.

And it didn't cost me a single penny.

On 6/26/2024 at 8:01 PM, Elite Romancer said:

Apps to celebrate body diversity? If that is what OP wants, he can go for it but it's not ideal for getting the best romantic partner. 

Right. I mean it's not like anyone every thought Ashley Graham or other plus size models were attractive and would want to be in a relationship with them. Oh wait, seems like she's been married since 2010. Guess bigger people can find love too.

Be the person you are, look however you look. When someone is right for you, they will love you inside and out. Anyone who doesn't, isn't worth the worry.