My husband has an addiction

[day]

Get ready cause this is a long one. 

Me and husband have been together almost 5 years. We got married about 10 months ago. 

Recently found out he has addiction to porn/ phone sex. In the past I've caught messages with him and random women on IG but didn't think it was an addiction just thought he was trying to hook up with someone else. 

Fast forward to now I find messages with other women contacting for phone sex, I find payments he's made to these women for pictures videos etc. 

We have a conversation about it he admitted to everything and says he doesn't know how to stop. 

I told him I would stay but that he needed therapy individually and that we had to get marriage counseling because this was a lot to take in. 

Sex had been bad between us for some time, it was cold, he would finish quickly, didn't really put much effort into it. I remember one night putting on lingerie for him and him not really reacting to it, practically had to explain to him that it meant I wanted to have sex with him. 

We're in the process of moving and at the moment he is in one state with my parents and I am in our previous home because he got a job up there and I can't move until our lease us over up here. Un the month we've been apart he hasn't told me he's horny, hasn't asked for pictures, doesn't talk dirty to me, doesn't show any signs of physically needing me. I know he's not looking on his phone for sex because I have an app that tells me what websites he goes on (this is something we both agreed to do until He'd feel he could control himself so someone could hold him accountable) I feel cheated because he never told me this was a problem. I'm never sexually satisfied with him anymore. He wants me to stay but he doesn't give me a lot of reasons to. I love him but I don't know what to think or how to make things better. 

[Andrina]

54 minutes ago, day said:

In the past I've caught messages with him and random women on IG but didn't think it was an addiction just thought he was trying to hook up with someone else. 

Wow, and this is the man you wanted to devote a lifetime to? Mind-boggling to me. You're the one who wants him to stop. It wasn't his idea to stop or seek therapy. If he accepted your ultimatum, there is no guarantee it would work and everything between you two would be rosy. 

If it were me, I'd get an annulment. Loving someone is only one element in choosing to be with someone, but of course to live a satisfying life with a partner, so many must-haves and a lack of dealbreakers need to exist. 

Why put yourself through all of this? Because you have low self-esteem and subconsciously believe you deserve no better. I'd divorce or get an annulment and spend money on therapy for myself to improve my self worth. Being alone is a million times better than being cheated on. And yes, telephone sex, etc. is cheating.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, day said:

Recently found out he has addiction to porn/ phone sex. In the past I've caught messages with him and random women on IG but didn't think it was an addiction just thought he was trying to hook up with someone else. 

 

He did? Just because he has an addiction doesnt mean its an excuse for his overall behavior. Addiction doesnt excuse you for doing the things you do. It just explains them.

Case in point: Your sex life. Are you really surprised that somebody who has a porn addiction and gets off by looking at porn and chasing women on Instagram to call him for phone sex, isnt really excited by you who are probably not IG model in looks? He has an issue that directly influences your marriage. And he is not doing anything to stop that. An app wont help you control the problem. He can easily go to his computer and find porn. Addicts are notorious for finding a solution to feed their addiction. And until he doesnt get treated, your marriage will suffer. As he is showing no signs to want to get treated, I see no reason for you to stay there.

[ShySoul]

One problem with porn is that it it is never really fulfilling. It's a quick fix that leaves you feeling empty and wanting more. So you go back to it hoping you can get what you need this time. But you never do. It becames a habit, an easy answer to fall back to. You need more to get the same level of excitement. A video isn't enough, now you need personalized content, interactions with live women. And there are plenty of women willing to profit off of it, or who are just as lonely and empty themselves. Plus the hypersexualized fantasy world allows you to disconnect from the real world. It's not that one doesn't love their partner of find them attractive. It's that a person becomes used to the fantasy element, needing more extreme things then an everyday encounter is likely to contain. 

He has admitted this is a problem. But has he admitted why it is a problem? What is it that drove him to do these things in the first place? People turn to addictions to fill an empty spot in their life. What did he feel was missing? The two of you need to address the cause of his feelings, what he thinks he can get from porn that he didn't think he could get otherwise. That will help him find a way to stop himself, my filling that emptiness with something more meaningful. 

Of course this is not your fault. Don't blame yourself. You should feel loved and desired - physcially and emotionally. Listen to your heart and do what you think is right for you. If you are willing to stay and work through it, then try to be understanding of what he may be feeling. But he needs to put in the effort himself. And if it's ultimately too much for you to take, thats okay too. It's a difficult situation. Keep pushing forward and I hope you feel better.

[tattoobunnie]

20 hours ago, Andrina said:

If it were me, I'd get an annulment.

Yes, you qualify for annulment; he purposely concealed things from you.

[ShySoul]

On 6/19/2024 at 2:18 PM, Kwothe28 said:

As he is showing no signs to want to get treated, I see no reason for you to stay there.

Day, is he showing signs of getting help? You mentioned he was willing to have the app, but you didn't say the status of going to counseling, just that you said he would need to. I realize that moving might also be occupying your time, but has he taken any steps to addressing the issue? If he has, is it just him or does it involve both of you? That might be able to help you deal with your feelings. And if hasn't, why the delay? It's something you need to push and get going as soon as possible if you want to make this work. 

Wishing you well.

[day]

We agreed we would go to counseling. Money has been a little tight lately because he ended up getting fired at work due to not having enough work to provide 40 hours that's why we are moving. 

He got a new job and we set up a counseling appointment for the first week of next mmonth.we will both be attending to it but it bothers me that I was the one who had to put in the effort to find the therapist and get the appointment. I don't see initiative from him in the sense of winning my trust back or my love. He's my husband and I'm not going to talk down about him or disrespect him because I myself have dealt with certain addictions but I confused them to him way before we got married because I wanted him to know the good and bad about me. 

Our sex life is dull, he swears he hasn't done anything since I found out and I do monitor his phone with the app (he doesn't have a computer or tablet) but it's hard to believe he's not finding another way to feed his addiction because he's barely sexual with me. The last time I saw him I drove all the way to him to see how he was, we had sex that night, he finished in less than 5 minutes and didn't think about finishing me. He left me high and dry to say the least. So he's not being romantic, he's not being sexual, I don't feel desired. I feel like a friend to him a really good friend but that's all and I see that he admits he has a problem and he's willing to get help but I don't see initiative in other aspects I've told him I need in order to make things work between us cause I don't think I can be or should be the only one planning dates or trying to make our sex life more active(something that has been extremely hard after feeling embarrassed from everything that happened) 

[day]

I'm also religious so the idea of a divorce or annulment is extremely hard for me to come to terms with because I'm the type to believe that a commitment like marriage is for life, you accept that person at their best and their worst but I at the same time don't think it's fair to myself to settle for a relationship where I'm not wanted the way I want to be and I'm trying to stress to him that if things continue the way their going I'm going to have no option but to go down the road I don't want to because besides everything I do love him and I did make a promise to him 

[ShySoul]

Sorry you're going through this. Everything you are feeling is reasonable. You should be in a relationship that makes you feel wanted and needed. You should be satisfied in and out of the bedroom. And he should be the one to take the initiative and address his own problems. You can help, but at some point he needs to take responsibility and address his own issues.

See how the appointment goes. Hopefully once he is there the therapist can help get him to start doing more himself. My oldest brother had a drug problem for a long time. He could admit there was a problem at times, but he wasn't able to take the steps of getting help on his own. It took a family friend recommending a rehab center, another friend convincing him to go, and my parents actually driving him and living him there overnight and bringing his stuff to him later before he was willing to work on himself. Sometimes a person needs to be pushed into something before they step up.

But if he doesn't step up, you aren't wrong to go down that road. You made a promise to him, but he also made a promise to you. If he isn't keeping that promise, then he's forfeiting his right to expect you to stay to yours. I want to believe marriage should be for life as well. But no one should be stuck in something that makes them unhappy for the rest of their life. If you've exhausted all alternatives, then divoce is the right choice. To me the essence of religion is love. If you aren't feeling love in your marriage, then love yourself enough to know when it's not working.

[Elite Romancer]

The problem here isn't that he has a sex addiction, the problem is that you were aware of his cheating behaviour previously and you forgave him and then decided to marry him. What do you expect from him if you are aware of the way he is? The only way to get rid of someone cheating is to actually get rid of them (break up). 

When he got into a relationship with you, yall already discussed being faithful, commited and no longer dealing with anyone else. It's already been discussed, you trusted him and he broke it, now fast forward yall are married and you find out it's even worse, he's a sex addict which means who knows what, he lies to you about cheating regarding minor things (cheating and not telling you is lying), so you think he wont lie about major cheating things? 

I recommend do what is in the best interest for your well being, and picture his behaviour in the future based on his behaviour in the past. Based on this do what you think is best. Hope this makes sense. 

[redswim30]

On 6/21/2024 at 12:13 PM, day said:

I'm also religious so the idea of a divorce or annulment is extremely hard for me to come to terms with because I'm the type to believe that a commitment like marriage is for life, you accept that person at their best and their worst but I at the same time don't think it's fair to myself to settle for a relationship where I'm not wanted the way I want to be and I'm trying to stress to him that if things continue the way their going I'm going to have no option but to go down the road I don't want to because besides everything I do love him and I did make a promise to him 

I can understand that.  But within that, I also think God wants us to be happy and not force ourselves to live in lies or unhappiness because  "the rules" say.  

You can love someone and still not be able to live with them.  Promises can't always be kept.  The fact is, he concealed this addiction from you.   That alone is grounds for annulment as he was concealing this from you before marriage, thereby already breaking vows to you.  (which if you want to feel better within your religious beliefs IS acceptable).  

This goes beyond an addiction.  That's actually not the root of the problem here.  Addiction starts because something is going on with that other person.  What that is with your husband, I cannot say.  But he is not healthy or happy. He is trying to fill some void of unhappiness.  You both have to find out what that is.  That is not going to be easy, as it may be a much deeper issue than you imagine.  

Neither one of you is happy right now.  But this will NOT be made better by you tracking his action- that sort of thing rarely works anyway, especially when it's a spouse.  Before you even consider couples counseling,  He needs to go to individual counseling to really get to what the root of his issue is.  Be prepared, he may not want to share what that is with you.  He probably won't, since he sought refuge in secrecy from you, not with you.  It may be connected to being unhappy in this marriage, it may not.  

If you want to make this marriage work, you can expect things to get worse before they get better.  No "band aid" quick fix methods are going to work for what is clearly something deeply rooted within your husband, that for whatever reason, he does not feel comfortable confiding in you. 

Be wary.  He isn't seeking help because HE wanted to, but because you gave him an ultimatum.  I really wish you luck, just please be aware people rarely change for others.  They only change when THEY truly want to.  I honestly think you might be better off seeking an annulment.