Family struggles

[Seraphim]

6 hours ago, arjumand said:

Hey Seraphim,

As someone with very old parents we have been looking after for a long time (although they are in an assisted living facility), let me suggest that your mother needs a life of her own. I realize she just moved in, but you need to work out places where she might find her people. Church? Volunteer situations depending on what she likes -- food banks, homeless shelters, theaters, art galleries, public gardens -- or maybe she can take a class in something she enjoys? It will take some time, but of all my friends who have a parent living with them, the parents has friends and life of their own. Back when my parents were in better shape and we persuaded them to move into independent living we did so to make sure that as they were starting to show signs of dementia that they would be busy without having to go out by themselves. Busy is really important. 

Good Luck! You are a very good daughter. 

 

Absolutely. She wants to join a uchre club but it is over for the summer. Maybe she could join the deaf community I am sure they could teach her things about how to communicate since her hearing loss is pretty severe and gets worse every year. Her friends text her all the time but it is not the same as seeing them . She hasn’t emotionally adjusted to being a widow yet I am not sure she will . She needs to find a life here for sure . I am hoping as she finds friends her death grip on me is less. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Absolutely. She wants to join a uchre club but it is over for the summer. Maybe she could join the deaf community I am sure they could teach her things about how to communicate since her hearing loss is pretty severe and gets worse every year. Her friends text her all the time but it is not the same as seeing them . She hasn’t emotionally adjusted to being a widow yet I am not sure she will . She needs to find a life here for sure . I am hoping as she finds friends her death grip on me is less. 

Would she want to do something like volunteer -even in the deaf community - channel that need to mother/nurture/protect (from her perspective) by working with kids or adults who have learning differences, etc?

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Would she want to do something like volunteer -even in the deaf community - channel that need to mother/nurture/protect (from her perspective) by working with kids or adults who have learning differences, etc?

I am not sure , maybe. She was a foster parent for 17 years with my step dad and it kept her more than busy. 

[yogacat]

21 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Oh I get her instinct, I do, as I am a mother myself and my son is an adult and I still want to mother him so I do get it . I know she wants me to feel better but pointing it out to me doesn’t make it better ….lol. 

I follow.

Mom just wants to help. Understand that you cannot change mom--she is 78. Don't let a silly hair cut take your feelings captive. 

Sometimes it's best just to smile and move on with the day.

Like "Thank you Mom, I appreciate your kind words. So, what's for dinner tonight? You cooking?" 😂

[mylolita]

18 hours ago, yogacat said:

I follow.

Mom just wants to help. Understand that you cannot change mom--she is 78. Don't let a silly hair cut take your feelings captive. 

Sometimes it's best just to smile and move on with the day.

Like "Thank you Mom, I appreciate your kind words. So, what's for dinner tonight? You cooking?" 😂

I get this approach Yoga and understand where you’re coming from. 
 

Family is family and Seraphim - she is now under your roof, that’s a cause for diplomacy and peace if there ever was one.

 

But what people technically say, their actual words, to me is only a tiny part of what they mean. Some people can say very nice things, but the intention and meaning behind it is actually nefarious, or manipulating, or plain mean spirited. 
 

If you think Seraphim your mother is playing mean games with you, to me, you can only do a few things. Brush it under the carpet; or call her out on it. 
 

Brushing it under and ignoring is a great mode of moving along if you’re the type of personality who can put on a face and make peace, whilst not addressing your true concerns or worries. But if you know going on like this for months or years is going to drive you nuts? Personally for me, I would simply and calmly call her out. 
 

I would have a conversation with her. Ask her if everything is okay, tell her your observations and concerns about her behaviour since your stepdad passed. Tell her because of past history, you feel like when she compliments you she is stirring the pot and being mischievous rather than truly sweet. It will most likely go south, and I imagine she’ll be angry and defensive, but the real gain from having that type of conversation is that, if she is being cheeky and bad - she’ll be in no doubt you’re onto her.

 

That or slide a leaflet for a “Retirement Community” under her door one night… 🤪 
 

x

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I get this approach Yoga and understand where you’re coming from. 
 

Family is family and Seraphim - she is now under your roof, that’s a cause for diplomacy and peace if there ever was one.

 

But what people technically say, their actual words, to me is only a tiny part of what they mean. Some people can say very nice things, but the intention and meaning behind it is actually nefarious, or manipulating, or plain mean spirited. 
 

If you think Seraphim your mother is playing mean games with you, to me, you can only do a few things. Brush it under the carpet; or call her out on it. 
 

Brushing it under and ignoring is a great mode of moving along if you’re the type of personality who can put on a face and make peace, whilst not addressing your true concerns or worries. But if you know going on like this for months or years is going to drive you nuts? Personally for me, I would simply and calmly call her out. 
 

I would have a conversation with her. Ask her if everything is okay, tell her your observations and concerns about her behaviour since your stepdad passed. Tell her because of past history, you feel like when she compliments you she is stirring the pot and being mischievous rather than truly sweet. It will most likely go south, and I imagine she’ll be angry and defensive, but the real gain from having that type of conversation is that, if she is being cheeky and bad - she’ll be in no doubt you’re onto her.

 

That or slide a leaflet for a “Retirement Community” under her door one night… 🤪 
 

x

Right.

I dealt with a family member that was awful (to put it nicely) for years and getting into it with her was crazy making. One day, I stopped. I stopped talking to her. I relied heavily on text communication. It saved our relationship.

When she was rude, I wouldn’t respond, when she laid on guilt trips, I wouldn’t respond. When she asked why I wasn’t talking to her or spending time with her, I told her it was because I didn’t appreciate her behavior. She hadn’t changed her game, but know one did the game dance better then me...

It was still trying at times to be polite but at least I had my sanity back.

Like you said, people’s behavior is more than just their words, it’s their actions too. Honestly, I deal with others the same way. There are people in this world with with large personalities and they always want to be in control.

It’s up to you to decide who gets to push your buttons.

😽

[catfeeder]

I like the often overlooked ‘iceberg’ option of remaining unmoved and keeping the response at the same level as the remark. One great example was Carrie Bradswhaw’s retort to a woman who asked whether her jacket was made of pleather. She said, “How kind of you to ask…” and simply moved forward without answering the question.

Decide what’s worth the energy.

[mylolita]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I like the often overlooked ‘iceberg’ option of remaining unmoved and keeping the response at the same level as the remark. One great example was Carrie Bradswhaw’s retort to a woman who asked whether her jacket was made of pleather. She said, “How kind of you to ask…” and simply moved forward without answering the question.

Decide what’s worth the energy.

Standing up for yourself is always worth your energy, in my world! 
 

It’s not the easy, peaceful, or always socially correct thing to do - but you get to walk away knowing you said your piece and this knowledge can nip resentment, bitterness and overthinking in the bud for me! 
 

Just because someone is related to you doesn’t give them the right to treat you badly and catch an easy ride without consequences.

 

Some personalities find it easier to ignore or brush aside - I can’t. You have to do what aligns best with your principles, morality and personal standards!

 

x

[mylolita]

16 hours ago, yogacat said:

Right.

I dealt with a family member that was awful (to put it nicely) for years and getting into it with her was crazy making. One day, I stopped. I stopped talking to her. I relied heavily on text communication. It saved our relationship.

When she was rude, I wouldn’t respond, when she laid on guilt trips, I wouldn’t respond. When she asked why I wasn’t talking to her or spending time with her, I told her it was because I didn’t appreciate her behavior. She hadn’t changed her game, but know one did the game dance better then me...

It was still trying at times to be polite but at least I had my sanity back.

Like you said, people’s behavior is more than just their words, it’s their actions too. Honestly, I deal with others the same way. There are people in this world with with large personalities and they always want to be in control.

It’s up to you to decide who gets to push your buttons.

😽

You’re a better person than me Yoga! 
 

If they want a fight, I like to give it both barrels then tell them to p*ss off after I’ve said my piece. You go straight to ghost but I find the justice deliverance of their own medicine before that part the sweetest bit!!!

 
You aren’t obligated to do anything. A parent doesn’t have to live with you. Just because they’re family, it doesn’t give them a free pass to act badly. I mean, depending on the history and how bad things are, if in Seraphim’s situation I would personally be looking for alternative accommodation. You may find her Mum’s behaviour suddenly snaps into real pleasantries and cooperation when she knows - disrespect and snide comments aren’t accepted under this roof! She probably thinks she can do whatever and stay. 

 

My kids will carry on with all sorts until there is a consequence they know I am serious about. People can tell when you are going to take whatever they’ll give you.

 

May seem hard line but, life’s too short for bs and I say, shoot from the hip, then go from there - LOL! 
 

x

[DarkCh0c0]

@Seraphim  if it's any help, just don't "let it in". Don't let her words affect your nor let her get a reaction out of you.

Let it pass over you like wind over your head.

I empathize as I have a similar dynamic with mine. As family, we tend to get to each other's nerves more quickly.

I feel you on the haircut 🩷

[yogacat]

On 6/23/2024 at 3:25 AM, mylolita said:

You’re a better person than me Yoga! 
 

If they want a fight, I like to give it both barrels then tell them to p*ss off after I’ve said my piece. You go straight to ghost but I find the justice deliverance of their own medicine before that part the sweetest bit!!!

 
You aren’t obligated to do anything. A parent doesn’t have to live with you. Just because they’re family, it doesn’t give them a free pass to act badly. I mean, depending on the history and how bad things are, if in Seraphim’s situation I would personally be looking for alternative accommodation. You may find her Mum’s behaviour suddenly snaps into real pleasantries and cooperation when she knows - disrespect and snide comments aren’t accepted under this roof! She probably thinks she can do whatever and stay. 

 

My kids will carry on with all sorts until there is a consequence they know I am serious about. People can tell when you are going to take whatever they’ll give you.

 

May seem hard line but, life’s too short for bs and I say, shoot from the hip, then go from there - LOL! 
 

x

It's not a matter of being better.

I am no better, or less better, than anyone in terms of my worth as a human being.

Deciding who should get to push my buttons is useless if controlling my buttons is a process driven largely by other people who don't give me leeway is to be accepted exactly as who I am. I think it also largely depends on the interaction and the relationship as no two situations are the same.

I decide if my buttons should be pushed and by whom, meaning I choose the relationship in which I'm most fulfilled.

And beweevveee me, I've lost my cool many times 🤪

If someone wants to yield power over me, that's something I crumb when I have decided that someone is a fixture in my life and I need nothing from them to be happy. If it's a relative I want to see, that's all fine and good, but if they are not open to constructive dialog and lack insight into their own behavior, it is wasted energy for me to further engage.

So, I will opt to disengage and they no longer get access to me.

Also, when I tell someone to p*ss off, or come to that decision, I have to be at peace with it. Otherwise, it's them pushing my buttons to the point surrendering all of my well being to them. I'm basically allowing them to determine what kind of day I'll have, good or bad.

It's a game they will win until they get hit with a pleasant surprise of disinterest from me. Even then, I can't control how their guts will writhe and will drop the issue.

@Seraphim , and without knowing the personality of your mother, you were displeased with your haircut and your mother (taking her comment at face value) said you looked beautiful.

Right there, I would have left the situation better off than by responding with an opinion. Now, if it's a genuine issue between you and a relative, it doesn't have to be a battle of nil satisfaction. At times the only power we have in controlling pet peeves is our choice over whether we escalate or de-escalate. The ability to do either is more powerful than that of the one looking to fuel conflict.

IF YOU FELT that her comment was a put-down, you need to tell her that but if you concluded completely that she was passive aggressive or outright malicious, it's who she is. I suspect she was trying to be kind and her complementary word entails no bad destiny for you.

Again, I do not have insight into the intricate details of your relationship with your mother, and for all I know she could have said what she said to be a [explicitly inappropriate word], in which case, disengage, walk away, and smile, or give her the middle finger with a smile, but walk away none the less, and more so because her ability to piss you off is NOT going to affect her life story.

In fact, people who make a habit of making others miserable are not perturbed or strongly affected by it. They enjoy it. So, cut them off.

Let your mind recycle the thought if you need to, or if you find it strangely discomforting, ask her, why would you do that? Its OK to ask her if she intended to elicit anger from you as a reply.

[Seraphim]

No, my mom never means any ill will or malice. It is sometimes the delivery is wrong or she feels she KNOWS better contrary to what I have to say about it .

My dad, now he meant malice and hate and he was cut out like 33 years ago and has since passed. 
 

My mom I would never cut out . It is just getting through to her sometimes her opinion or guidance isn’t wanted or needed. But usually we are very good and loving with each other . 

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

No, my mom never means any ill will or malice. It is sometimes the delivery is wrong or she feels she KNOWS better contrary to what I have to say about it .

My dad, now he meant malice and hate and he was cut out like 33 years ago and has since passed. 
 

My mom I would never cut out . It is just getting through to her sometimes her opinion or guidance isn’t wanted or needed. But usually we are very good and loving with each other . 

This is good Seraphim.

 

Some mothers can shroud terrible intentions behind “nice” words.

 

You know yourself she’s not like that, and her miscarriage comments now you talk about her character seem simply misguided.

 

I’m never about popping off on someone out of nowhere but if they mean bad I say give it with both barrels then dust yourself off and go! 
 

Looks like you’ll just eventually navigate this new living situation and your ever evolving relationship with her as you go.

 

I’ve done that with my own parents and it’s a lot better now we have our own space and I live in my own house but when you’re under one roof - tensions can run high.

 

They say you truly know someone once you’ve lived with them - or go on holiday with them; I’ve heard said! 
 

x