Family struggles

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, TeeDee said:

I know.  Been there.  Done that.  Would you like to borrow my t-shirt? 

You don't have to agree with her.  You just have to make mummering noises confirming that you heard her.  I'm kidding but pretend you are a guy.   I swear they sit there saying mmhmn mhum but not paying one lick of attention 

Hahaha I wish could make murmuring noises. She can’t hear it. You have to yell even with her hearing aids in or she can’t hear you. And if she can’t hear your response she just keeps asking. Then you yell and she bites back don’t yell you scare me. I said I have to you can’t hear. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[TeeDee]

Try nodding or offering a thumbs up.  👍

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Try nodding or offering a thumbs up.  👍

Good idea. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey Seraphim I'm sorry about your hair :( 😞 if you lived near me, I'd invite you over, I'm pretty sure I could fix with bang extensions that look natural; barring that you can also purchase clip-on side bangs that look natural, until your hair grows back anyway!  

Below is a pic (not me!) of clip-on side bangs if that interests you. They sell  on amazon.com in all colors. 

Re your mom, my mom could be annoying too, however she was critical, not complimentary.  

I agree with others who said your mom's comments come from a place of love; my mom was critical however I still wish I had been kinder to her and more understanding while she was alive and I will live with that regret every day. 

Just something to consider. 

Anyway, again below are the clip on bangs, easy to use.  Comes with an instruction video.  You can take to another stylist if they're too long, and they can trim and style.

Hope you feel better...  😀

 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I can see that point for sure. The hair cut reaction is a symptom of a bigger issue. She told me sorry I am always your mom and I will always want to guide and protect and mother you . I told her well just as you say it makes you feel not wanted , your incessant constant mothering makes me feel wrong . I said when I need advice I will absolutely ask, but I am 12 no more. Just yesterday I had to get something done for my son to do with his disability payment because we moved . Again advice was offered, you could have done that after your breakfast. Whatever way I do something she has got a way to do it better. 

I hear you and I am sorry you are experiencing this!

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

She definitely has anxiety. She was put on medication for it 9 months ago. She became very anxious after my step dad died. Also last year some woman walked into her apartment and walked into her bathroom when she was in the shower. She had accidentally left her keys in the door. The woman was insane to look all over and invade her apartment she could have just thrown the keys inside the door. Then this year someone rear ended her at a red light. Plus she has 90% hearing loss and needs cataracts taken off and she is also mobility disabled so she feels incredibly vulnerable. So, yeah, feels a lot of anxiety but refuses to believe it . Because anxiety is mental weakness. I have had anxiety my entire life so I recognize it and last year told her to get into therapy and on medication because she was getting an all over body rash ( hives ) from anxiety and other physical symptoms. 
 

When I was in therapy my counsellor told me to gain boundaries and especially with my mom. However when I try to instil a boundary I am “ mean” to an old lady. If I react being upset , “ Jeebus you’re over sensitive. “ Something I was always told as a kid and when I was younger . And if I don’t follow her advice I am “ stubborn as hell.”

 

Whatever way I try other than total capitulation is WRONG. 

I’d keep reminding myself that I won’t have this problem much longer, so I’m going to behave toward her in ways that will make me proud after she’s gone.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Try nodding or offering a thumbs up.  👍

Yep! Or, “Thanks, Mom, I’ll consider that.”

It doesn’t obligate you to a thing, and it shuts my Mom up happily.

[Seraphim]

58 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’d keep reminding myself that I won’t have this problem much longer, so I’m going to behave toward her in ways that will make me proud after she’s gone.

My mom is 78 so not super old and in reasonably good health. They did a whole physical on her recently and said her terminal disease hasn’t progressed it is the same as they discovered it 5 years ago which is incredibly good news. Her heart condition is no worse either. They expect to live pretty much another 5 to 10 years. 
 

I do want a great relationship with her and a lot of the time we do. It is just sometimes a few times a day she says she KNOWS better because she is 20 years older and so she knows more etc etc … she just burns my biscuit some days . 

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hey Seraphim I'm sorry about your hair 😞 😞 if you lived near me, I'd invite you over, I'm pretty sure I could fix with bang extensions that look natural; barring that you can also purchase clip-on side bangs that look natural, until your hair grows back anyway!  

Below is a pic (not me!) of clip-on side bangs if that interests you. They sell  on amazon.com in all colors. 

Re your mom, my mom could be annoying too, however she was critical, not complimentary.  

I agree with others who said your mom's comments come from a place of love; my mom was critical however I still wish I had been kinder to her and more understanding while she was alive and I will live with that regret every day. 

Just something to consider. 

Anyway, again below are the clip on bangs, easy to use.  Comes with an instruction video.  You can take to another stylist if they're too long, and they can trim and style.

Hope you feel better...  😀

 

 

Hahaha I wish . It has to grow much longer for that. Right now my hair is basically a bristle brush.. 

 

You made me giggle though which is a good thing . 

[mylolita]

On 6/19/2024 at 4:44 PM, Seraphim said:

Yes, I know it is best intentions , really . She hates it when I am hurt . It remind me of when I had my second trimester miscarriage the month before my niece had a birthday party. One of the party goers was 7 months pregnant and my mom said 7 times to me in the space of an hour “ hey did you know C is pregnant. “ I kept saying, “ yes I see that.” I was devastated and heart broken at my own loss and she kept pushing pregnant people in my face because she wanted me to stop being hurt . Make ZERO sense to me to rub someone’s nose in it. I left that party in tears and she had the nerve to be offended. She was “ just trying to help.” 🙄

I think she wants to help but has no clue how. Bringing up the difficult issue over and over isn’t help. I have told her this directly and she keeps at it . 

That is very strange behaviour Seraphim and I want to give your Mum the benefit of the doubt but, at the very least it’s being a bull in a China shop and at the worst purposefully being mean and goading. 
 

I thought you were going to say something like “And my mum said to me 7 times in the space of an hour… it’s okay! Are you comfortable or would you like to leave a bit early?” 
 

I can’t imagine my daughters confiding in me that they suffered a recent miscarriage and then harping on over and over about someone else being newly pregnant?! Insensitive and beyond - I’m sorry.

 

x

[mylolita]

…you could maybe suggest taking her to your ex hair stylist for the same cut if she likes it so much? 
 

🥲🤣

 

x

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

…you could maybe suggest taking her to your ex hair stylist for the same cut if she likes it so much? 
 

🥲🤣

 

x

She made the appointment and picked the salon since we were new in town. So the woman cut her hair as well. However, my mom is bald on top due to severe stress from living with my bio dad. She started going bald at 45 and she even had transplant surgery etc because she was so distraught. She wears a wig now. The other half of the time she says how would you like to be bald ???!! As a woman that is horrific . Or she complains I have left my hair to go white as she still dyes hers . She dyes hers because she has a wig that only covers the top of her head and it clips to her existing hair. It is human hair and cost $1200. At least 3 times a week she mentions I should dye my hair and I say no I like my colour people pay massive amounts of money for my pure glossy  white . 

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, mylolita said:

That is very strange behaviour Seraphim and I want to give your Mum the benefit of the doubt but, at the very least it’s being a bull in a China shop and at the worst purposefully being mean and goading. 
 

I thought you were going to say something like “And my mum said to me 7 times in the space of an hour… it’s okay! Are you comfortable or would you like to leave a bit early?” 
 

I can’t imagine my daughters confiding in me that they suffered a recent miscarriage and then harping on over and over about someone else being newly pregnant?! Insensitive and beyond - I’m sorry.

 

x

My mom was with me when I had the miscarriage she saw my son’s poor dead body with me so it stunned me that she would keep talking about some other woman’s big 7 month pregnant belly like I didn’t notice . After the 7th time I burst into tears and left because I had said every time yes I know she is . 

[mylolita]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She made the appointment and picked the salon since we were new in town. So the woman cut her hair as well. However, my mom is bald on top due to severe stress from living with my bio dad. She started going bald at 45 and she even had transplant surgery etc because she was so distraught. She wears a wig now. The other half of the time she says how would you like to be bald ???!! As a woman that is horrific . Or she complains I have left my hair to go white as she still dyes hers . She dyes hers because she has a wig that only covers the top of her head and it clips to her existing hair. It is human hair and cost $1200. At least 3 times a week she mentions I should dye my hair and I say no I like my colour people pay massive amounts of money for my pure glossy  white . 

Sounds like the comments come rolling in which way every way Seraphim! 
 

Stick to your guns - it’s your hair! Your life! 
 

Your situation reminds me a bit of my own Mother and her Mum. It was love hate, it really was, and a lot of my childhood memories surrounding my Grandma on my mothers side included my Mum being stressed out about something she had said, done - or sometimes she was really upset and my Dad would comfort her. They went through phases of not talking for months on end. My Grandma also (apparently) used to play her three daughters against each other and then deny it all. 
 

I wasn’t there for any of this so I can’t say, but after becoming a mother myself and having my two daughters… I can’t imagine winding them up, playing mind games? Or purposefully trying to make them feel unhappy? I don’t know, it’s a funny world. 
 

Some people get old and cranky. Bored even? They start to meddle? 
 

Do you find she likes an argument? 
 

Do her good qualities outweigh the bad? And I wonder Seraphim, for your own sanity, if your property could accommodate your Mum a “little further” aka, here in the UK we coin them “Granny flats!” People convert a basement, or floor, or have an extension or even a separate smaller house in the garden, for their parents. Keeps them a little further but they’re still technically living with you. I wonder if anything like this is possible? 
 

x

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

My mom was with me when I had the miscarriage she saw my son’s poor dead body with me so it stunned me that she would keep talking about some other woman’s big 7 month pregnant belly like I didn’t notice . After the 7th time I burst into tears and left because I had said every time yes I know she is . 

I’m sorry Seraphim - to me that is heartless and cruel and I don’t know what on earth her thinking was behind her behaviour. 

 

x

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I’m sorry Seraphim - to me that is heartless and cruel and I don’t know what on earth her thinking was behind her behaviour. 

 

x

She wanted to “ snap me out of sadness” but I am afraid I wasn’t going to “ snap out it “ a month after seeing my dead baby. That took years. If I had suggested she snap out of losing her husband she would have smacked my head . 

[Seraphim]

8 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Sounds like the comments come rolling in which way every way Seraphim! 
 

Stick to your guns - it’s your hair! Your life! 
 

Your situation reminds me a bit of my own Mother and her Mum. It was love hate, it really was, and a lot of my childhood memories surrounding my Grandma on my mothers side included my Mum being stressed out about something she had said, done - or sometimes she was really upset and my Dad would comfort her. They went through phases of not talking for months on end. My Grandma also (apparently) used to play her three daughters against each other and then deny it all. 
 

I wasn’t there for any of this so I can’t say, but after becoming a mother myself and having my two daughters… I can’t imagine winding them up, playing mind games? Or purposefully trying to make them feel unhappy? I don’t know, it’s a funny world. 
 

Some people get old and cranky. Bored even? They start to meddle? 
 

Do you find she likes an argument? 
 

Do her good qualities outweigh the bad? And I wonder Seraphim, for your own sanity, if your property could accommodate your Mum a “little further” aka, here in the UK we coin them “Granny flats!” People convert a basement, or floor, or have an extension or even a separate smaller house in the garden, for their parents. Keeps them a little further but they’re still technically living with you. I wonder if anything like this is possible? 
 

x

My son has claimed the basement as an apartment for himself . 
 

Absolutely her good qualities outweigh the bad I think that since my step dad died and all her disabilities she wants a death grip on me in every way possible . One weekend when I went to visit my husband she created an “ illness” so I would stay with her at home. I went anyway and she was magically better . 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

My son has claimed the basement as an apartment for himself . 
 

Absolutely her good qualities outweigh the bad I think that since my step dad died and all her disabilities she wants a death grip on me in every way possible . One weekend when I went to visit my husband she created an “ illness” so I would stay with her at home. I went anyway and she was magically better . 

Evening Seraphim! 
 

I don’t think all seniors go through this but, a pattern I see that is unspoken about can happen. Maybe the elderly one is extremely lonely? They realise they are on “borrowed time” and I also see signs of reverting back to being childlike, exceptionally needy, clingy, and anxious. My Grandma went through this kind of behaviour from being about 70 and onwards until her death at 94. All her life, she has been prone to worry and “her nerves” as she called them, which would now be labelled I am sure as anxiety and maybe even depression. 
 

After my Grandad died she went on to live by herself for 15 years. But it was very hard Seraphim, and was a huge strain on my Mum and her sisters. Although she was physically near perfect, mentally she was an acrophobia state and they all went and sat with her, helped with housework, on a rotation which meant she never spent more than 3-4 hours alone on any day. 
 

I am not dismissing how bad this is for you but, I see it happen for some elderly people and the denominator is the loss of their partner. 
 

I wish I had answers for you! What I’m trying to say is, you’re not alone, and if my Mum was a member of ENA (😆) she would have said such similar things about her own Mum too. It’s tough because you love her but don’t want to accept bad treatment just because she is old and is your mother! 
 

x

[Seraphim]

32 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Evening Seraphim! 
 

I don’t think all seniors go through this but, a pattern I see that is unspoken about can happen. Maybe the elderly one is extremely lonely? They realise they are on “borrowed time” and I also see signs of reverting back to being childlike, exceptionally needy, clingy, and anxious. My Grandma went through this kind of behaviour from being about 70 and onwards until her death at 94. All her life, she has been prone to worry and “her nerves” as she called them, which would now be labelled I am sure as anxiety and maybe even depression. 
 

After my Grandad died she went on to live by herself for 15 years. But it was very hard Seraphim, and was a huge strain on my Mum and her sisters. Although she was physically near perfect, mentally she was an acrophobia state and they all went and sat with her, helped with housework, on a rotation which meant she never spent more than 3-4 hours alone on any day. 
 

I am not dismissing how bad this is for you but, I see it happen for some elderly people and the denominator is the loss of their partner. 
 

I wish I had answers for you! What I’m trying to say is, you’re not alone, and if my Mum was a member of ENA (😆) she would have said such similar things about her own Mum too. It’s tough because you love her but don’t want to accept bad treatment just because she is old and is your mother! 
 

x

That is exactly it , the loss of her husband . When she had him I was of far less consequence or concern. 🤣

[yogacat]

Hmmm. I think a compliment can be sincere even when we don't necessarily agree with it. Your mom may genuinely think you look nice with this new haircut, even if you strongly disagree.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but perhaps she feels good when she thinks she lifted your spirits and made you feel nice. 

Why is it so important to you that she does not compliment you? Do you think her doing so is undermining your pain/aggravation of this hair cut?

[Seraphim]

50 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Hmmm. I think a compliment can be sincere even when we don't necessarily agree with it. Your mom may genuinely think you look nice with this new haircut, even if you strongly disagree.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but perhaps she feels good when she thinks she lifted your spirits and made you feel nice. 

Why is it so important to you that she does not compliment you? Do you think her doing so is undermining your pain/aggravation of this hair cut?

It isn’t that I don’t want to be complimented, it is the fact she knows I HATE HATE HATE the hair cut and she still insists on commenting on it instead of remaining silent and letting me forget about it . As it is I have to see my ugly hair every morning in the mirror.  

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Hmmm. I think a compliment can be sincere even when we don't necessarily agree with it. Your mom may genuinely think you look nice with this new haircut, even if you strongly disagree.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but perhaps she feels good when she thinks she lifted your spirits and made you feel nice. 

Why is it so important to you that she does not compliment you? Do you think her doing so is undermining your pain/aggravation of this hair cut?

Because some comments come off as backhanded compliments which are insincere.  It's better to err on the side of caution by remaining silent than talk too much.

There are some people who don't compliment if you look good,  wear chic clothing or if you take great care of yourself.  My mother said that there are times when silence is the sincerest form of flattery.  Or,  there are other people who compliment when you're obviously not looking your best but say it just for them to feel superior and play you for a fool if you believe it.  Or, they'll say a remark so you won't feel good about yourself nor feel self confident.  They deliberately want to take you down a notch or two in order to "put you back in your place" for their satisfaction.  Or, if you look great or accomplished something great,  they'll say something snide.  It sounds harmless but it's unkind.  Misery loves company.  It's human nature.  I've experienced it myself so I know what it feels like. 😒

I agree with you regarding some aspects though.  Some people are clueless and have chronic "foot in mouth disease."  They say without thinking and it is not received well.  If this is the case,  teaching a person the art of empathy and common sense social graces during adulthood is often times a senseless,  hopeless,  lost cause.  ☹️  I no longer deal with people like that. 

[yogacat]

14 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It isn’t that I don’t want to be complimented, it is the fact she knows I HATE HATE HATE the hair cut and she still insists on commenting on it instead of remaining silent and letting me forget about it . As it is I have to see my ugly hair every morning in the mirror.  

Right. But she's a mother, and mother's tend to want to "fix" things for their children, even if they can't. She probably can see how much you dislike this hair cut and wants to alleviate some of your pain by telling you you look good.

But, I get it, you prefer she doesn't. It seems like you are in a no-win situation.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Right. But she's a mother, and mother's tend to want to "fix" things for their children, even if they can't. She probably can see how much you dislike this hair cut and wants to alleviate some of your pain by telling you you look good.

But, I get it, you prefer she doesn't. It seems like you are in a no-win situation.

Oh I get her instinct, I do, as I am a mother myself and my son is an adult and I still want to mother him so I do get it . I know she wants me to feel better but pointing it out to me doesn’t make it better ….lol. 

[arjumand]

Hey Seraphim,

As someone with very old parents we have been looking after for a long time (although they are in an assisted living facility), let me suggest that your mother needs a life of her own. I realize she just moved in, but you need to work out places where she might find her people. Church? Volunteer situations depending on what she likes -- food banks, homeless shelters, theaters, art galleries, public gardens -- or maybe she can take a class in something she enjoys? It will take some time, but of all my friends who have a parent living with them, the parents has friends and life of their own. Back when my parents were in better shape and we persuaded them to move into independent living we did so to make sure that as they were starting to show signs of dementia that they would be busy without having to go out by themselves. Busy is really important. 

Good Luck! You are a very good daughter.